Is it Me? Is it Him?

So I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now... we have lived together for the past 6 months. (Quick, I know - but these are the decisions I make). There is a 9 year age difference (he is older), and he has a 12 year old son that stays with us from time to time.

We have already had our fair share in challenges for year one. We met when I lived in Maryland & he lived in NYC and for several months I would drive up to NY every weekend to see him and then drive back to my full time job & full time school. I was already in regular therapy and on medication for my issues (bipolar, anxiety, add..etc). I would say that I can pull off a pretty "normal" front... it wasnt very long into our getting to know eachother that I explained that I had very severe anxiety. He didnt really understand what anxiety really was... I explained the best I could, but its hard to explain the psychosis part without getting a bulging eye look....

Anyhow, the past few months of living together have been great in so many ways.. The good days are amazing, but the bad days are really bad. He has a bit of a temper.. not violent or abusive but get really loud really quick. Also, he has a lack of empathy for those with emotional issues... he doesnt really understand what these conditions are and doesnt seem all that interested to find out about them.

I'm still on medication... but my anxiety has gone up and I have had to make several changes with them. I get moody very easily still, and he doesnt have to do much to piss me off...which usually puts me into silence mode for hours. Not a good way to deal, I know, but for fear of saying something I will regret - I try not to say anything. I have tried to explain to him how my thought process works... the imaginative ideas... the daydreams that I think are real and that give me anxiety to the point that I will have panic attacks. He doesnt have much of a reaction, maybe he has doubts about that reality?

I just dont know how to get him involved and interested. I want him to care about what my mind does to me sometimes and how hard I try to control things.. but I wish he would learn how to be more of a support system and maybe learn about my conditions so that he could help me snap me out of it or make me not feel so alone at times.

When I'm silent, upset/crying... he is just quiet and ignores me for the most part. Doesnt ask questions... sometimes I'm not even sure if he cares or is interested? Or maybe he is scared to ask... I had to force him to read an article on bipolar recently... I was having a terrible panic attack/anxiety/depression day and I was just desperate for someone to understand. He is like a best friend to me most of the time, so its hard that he cant help me during my lowest lows.

He has never been the one to go out of his way or making extra effort for me. I am a naturally overly-generous type of person... I buy him nice shoes and clothes all the time. I bought his son custom shoes, his mom flowers, his dad a smartphone, and we are saving a downpayment for me to get a motorcycle...mainly for him to use.

^^ not everyone would agree with me doing all of this... but this is how I have always been. In every relationship, friendship..with family or whatever. I cant help it although I have definitely tamed myself as I used to spend ridiculous amounts of money each month on gifts to the point where I was so in debt I would have to take out personal loans to eat every day. So I cant say I havent improved.

I guess I wish that sometimes he would think about me in general and buy me flowers or plan something special for us to do. He is definitely not much of a romantic, more of a comedian (which I enjoy very much) but I do miss feeling like someone was as crazy about me and wanted as much happiness for me as I do for them. I have talked to him about this multiple times and he constantly stresses that he has changed so much and that he DOES try but these things dont come naturally to him since he has never really been this close to any female before. I have to give him credit.. he definitely spends almost all of his time with me which I know for a fact wasnt the case in his other relationships.

But still... how do I make him care? or think of me? or want to be involved?

These are things I mull over every day. I absolutely love him, but I do sometimes feel like I am making ginormous efforts to make our relationship a happy one.. and that he is going along but not really going above and beyond. I am more dedicated to keeping my emotions in check and staying steady on medications with him because from my past I know how badly bipolar can ruin a relationship... but sometimes I think that I do ALL of the apologizing and all of the work and that maybe he doesnt feel like he needs to because he knows I have all of these issues? Or am I just overthinking?

I dont know... I have had very few decent relationships... I really want this one to work.

Suggestions? Similar Stories??

Hi my friend ~ I hate to say this, but there's no way you're going to change this guy. He is what he is, and that's it. WE woman always think we can "change" a guy to meet our emotional needs, but unfortunately it can't be done. These guys may TRY but they can only do what comes naturally to them, and usually it's not much when they're brought up to be emotionally distant.

I would guess he didn't have much physical contact as a child -- his parents probably didn't give him the affection that a child needs. His Dad was probably more of a "guy" and didn't show his emotions and wasn't much of one to do the hugging/holding of a child. So he probably grew up thinking that a male wasn't supposed to be like that -- only females were. That's unfortunate cause personally I think a guy is more of a "man" if he can show his emotions, and be more of a hugger, etc.

So -- I think you're stuck with what you have sweetie. Unless he gets some therapy -- which I doubt he will -- this is the way it's going to be. But that doesn't mean that YOU have to keep spending huge amounts of money on HIM and his FAMILY. Personally I think that's foolish, and uncalled for. Perhaps if you stop too, he'll realize how much you care and see how much you've spent on him thru thie relationship. I don't mean to stop spending out of vindictiveness -- it's just to your advantage to save your money!!! If he needs stuff, let HIM buy it!!! Buy yourself some nice things, for heavens sakes!

God bless and please take care. And please keep us updated on how things are going. Hugs, Lee

The reality of the situation is - you can't make this guy behave differently. Nothing you do or say is going to change him. Some men are naturally more reserved but i think he could be more supportive during the times when you feel particularly low. Perhaps you're right; maybe he doesn't really know what to say or do - its not like you've got a broken arm or a physical ailment which he could aid more practically. Men are very practical - and if this guys previous relationships haven't been more 'emotionally' centered i doubt he's going to get much better than what he is already. It sounds to be honest like you're looking for qualities which this guy doesn't necessarily possess. This is an issue which is likely to fester over time so i would perhaps have another discussion with him and talk frankly about whether you're both giving all that you can to the relationship and if it looks like that isn't the case it might be better to end things now rather than later. No its not ideal but there aren't really many other options open to you - you might want to try marriage counselling but it doesn't really sound like you're in trouble, more like you're not 100% suited to each other. You've only been together a year so it would be a shame to call it quits just yet but at the same time if you know in your heart of hearts that it isn't going to work theres no use waiting around in the hope that it will. These are just my thoughts. I hope ive been helpful. All the best.

If it helps to know... there are guys out there in the world that would more closely fit your personal needs.

My wife, after 11 years together, is in the process of separating from me for being too caring, supportive, and available. It sounds insane to me, but there you go.

I agree 100%. It sounds like you'll only end up with the short end of the stick here.

Dont,

My wife has bi-polar(type 2 rapid cycling). OCD, BPD, agoraphobia, bulimia. My daughter and I recently went through NAMI's (National Alliance of Mental Illness) family-to-family course. It has helped me tremendously to empathize with what my wife is going through. She did not ask to have a brain illness. I am in it for the duration. Maybe you need to ask your SO if he is? If so, I cannot recommend this course enough. See if it is available in your area. Check out their website. It has lots of good info.

All the best.

I think Leed got it right...try as we might, we cannot change who someone is. If he's not emotionally available to you now, it is unlikely he would change.

Have you spoken to him about his aloofness makes you feel? Would he be willing to have that conversation with you?

Oh if I only could have seen the issues you described in my H before we got married not after. That sounds so much like me and my H. It will soon built resentment and you'll be even more miserable. This doesn't sound like the right guy for you. I hate to say that because the dating would I'm sure is not an easy place to be. But don't settle for less because thats all that seems availiable. I know you have a lot of time invested but it's easier to get away before you have 5 , 10, 15 years invested and issues that have grown bigger and stronger.

You can't buy affection or love, you need to live life for yourself, but also with someone that supports you unconditionally. People have a hard time grasping what anxiety really is, even older educated people. You need more time before making any more big decisions, you have your own life to live, he already lived his (with a kid, and older than you).

If you keep apologizing and buying stuff, you're at a risk of going bankrupt. He is already too comfortable, don't let him try to push your limits or take advantage of you. Set limits, make him work for it!