[lido78]

My boyfriend and I have been dating 2.5 years. He is not very open about past relationships, but he has been pretty open about his long-term girlfriend from high school and has told me almost everything about his prior marriage of 6 years. As for other relationships, he's almost silent. He says it doesn't matter...it's in the past and has nothing to do with us. I agree with this for the most part even though I'm a bit different. I'm pretty open about my exes (many are friends on Facebook), and he's even met one of my more significant exes from 10 years ago. Because I'm still friendly with many of them, I've been open from the beginning and told him he can ask me anything. He has not asked any questions saying that it's part of my past.

So, he's very consistent. He doesn't really talk about his exes and doesn't ask me about mine. Fine and good. Recently, however, he's been getting posts on his Facebook page from a pretty young lady...not too big a deal, mostly just friendly comments on his pictures. For some reason though, it hit me the wrong way when the same young woman "liked" a post I'd made on one of his pictures. I asked him if she was an ex, and he said yes. He said she lives overseas. When I asked if they were still in touch, he said "Not really." The vagueness of this response really bothers me...this is kind of typical for him when he doesn't really want to talk about something. I didn't ask anything more and we went about our day.

But I can't seem to get it off my mind. I want to be respectful of his privacy but wonder if there is more to the story that I'm getting. He's so open with me about many other things (problems with his business and financial situation, family issues with his parents and brother, etc.) that the contrast is what worries me. In his culture (he's not American), you don't really talk about other men/women when you're in a relationship, so I am just not sure how to react or to just try to forget about it.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Id say to try to get over it. I deal with the same issues. When i met my fiance we drank quite a bit in the early stages and i learned more than i ever should have about his past and it only made things more difficult. He was a bit of a wild thing and his past is a hard pill to swallow. My stomach turns every time we run into his ex, every time a girl approaches him with a big hug etc. But i have low self esteem and his exs are beautiful. It also doesnt help that we live in a small town and most of his exs still live here. But in the beginning i would confront him on the issue and drill him for it, asking all kinds of questions. The questions never made me feel better and only caused a riff in the relationship. You say that you have exs on your facebook you still communicate with so he should be able to communicate with his from time to time. I deleted my exs about 4 months into our relationship when he deleted his. But we got into an argument that caused him to delete his, his ex still had him tagged in like 15 pictures of them kissing or him acting like he was licking her chest or him staring at her chest with the caption "he likes my boobs". And currently ohr relationship is a little rocky because i found out too much info from his past. Im sure we will get through it but my jealousy yesterday really got to him and hes still distant this morning. Some things once you hear them you will never be able to forget and it wont make you feel better knowing so just leave it in the past where it belongs. Hes with you now not them and theres a reason for it

[NinaNina]

Originally Posted by lido78

My boyfriend and I have been dating 2.5 years. He is not very open about past relationships, but he has been pretty open about his long-term girlfriend from high school and has told me almost everything about his prior marriage of 6 years. As for other relationships, he's almost silent. He says it doesn't matter...it's in the past and has nothing to do with us. I agree with this for the most part even though I'm a bit different. I'm pretty open about my exes (many are friends on Facebook), and he's even met one of my more significant exes from 10 years ago. Because I'm still friendly with many of them, I've been open from the beginning and told him he can ask me anything. He has not asked any questions saying that it's part of my past.

So, he's very consistent. He doesn't really talk about his exes and doesn't ask me about mine. Fine and good. Recently, however, he's been getting posts on his Facebook page from a pretty young lady...not too big a deal, mostly just friendly comments on his pictures. For some reason though, it hit me the wrong way when the same young woman "liked" a post I'd made on one of his pictures. I asked him if she was an ex, and he said yes. He said she lives overseas. When I asked if they were still in touch, he said "Not really." The vagueness of this response really bothers me...this is kind of typical for him when he doesn't really want to talk about something. I didn't ask anything more and we went about our day.

But I can't seem to get it off my mind. I want to be respectful of his privacy but wonder if there is more to the story that I'm getting. He's so open with me about many other things (problems with his business and financial situation, family issues with his parents and brother, etc.) that the contrast is what worries me. In his culture (he's not American), you don't really talk about other men/women when you're in a relationship, so I am just not sure how to react or to just try to forget about it.

I agree with the above post. Try and move on from it. I have had very similar issues, and sometimes learning about your bf's past isn't really that much of a good thing. My boyfriend doesn't open up about his past too often, but every once in a while he tells me stuff about past relationships etc., and sometimes it is good to know but you can't push it. I'm sure your boyfriend will eventually open up more about certain relationships when he's ready, just give it time.

For example, I always knew my boyfriend had been cheated on before, but just last night we were talking about his exes and he really opened up more about it, telling me which girlfriends had cheated etc.

Just be patient with your guy, I'm sure hes not trying to be secretive or keep you in the dark

[lido78]

Thanks for both of the above responses. Made me feel tons better!

[lido78]

There has recently been a little bit more to the above situation. On the very good advice of some of the folks on this site, I did not bring up the situation with my boyfriend again until recently (i.e., for about 3 months). I felt fine about letting it go with the orginal two minute conversation until his ex-girlfriend increased the frequency or her posts and began to reference things from their past. Nothing intimate or anything like that, but just statements making it clear that they shared some kind of past. Her comments were also very sarcastic at times and a bit rough.

I could see that he was not responding in any way publicly to her, and this made me question why she continued to post on his profile. So, I brought it up again. I just wanted to know if he'd been encouraging the contact with private messages or phone calls when I'm not around. Yes, I know...he's entitled to have friends and people in his life other than me...but, I'm not comfortable if it's a "private" friendship with an ex. I'm very open about my prior relationships and would introduce him to any one of them.

Although he said that he had not responded to anything she'd posted either privately or publicly, he did admit that about a year and a half ago she sent him an e-mail telling him that she loved him (this was about two years after they broke up and a year into our relationship). He also said that he did not respond in any way to the e-mail. I would LOVE to believe him, but I find it strange that she would continue to contact him after (1) he did not acknowlege her love letter (even to say "thanks, but I have a girlfriend" and (2) he continues to not acknowlege any of her public posts.

Maybe she's just lonely, or strange, or both. But, it makes me bit uncomfortable. I know that he cannot control what she says or does, but I'm just curious if anyone else thinks her behavior is a bit odd.

[NinaNina]

Originally Posted by lido78

There has recently been a little bit more to the above situation. On the very good advice of some of the folks on this site, I did not bring up the situation with my boyfriend again until recently (i.e., for about 3 months). I felt fine about letting it go with the orginal two minute conversation until his ex-girlfriend increased the frequency or her posts and began to reference things from their past. Nothing intimate or anything like that, but just statements making it clear that they shared some kind of past. Her comments were also very sarcastic at times and a bit rough.

I could see that he was not responding in any way publicly to her, and this made me question why she continued to post on his profile. So, I brought it up again. I just wanted to know if he'd been encouraging the contact with private messages or phone calls when I'm not around. Yes, I know...he's entitled to have friends and people in his life other than me...but, I'm not comfortable if it's a "private" friendship with an ex. I'm very open about my prior relationships and would introduce him to any one of them.

Although he said that he had not responded to anything she'd posted either privately or publicly, he did admit that about a year and a half ago she sent him an e-mail telling him that she loved him (this was about two years after they broke up and a year into our relationship). He also said that he did not respond in any way to the e-mail. I would LOVE to believe him, but I find it strange that she would continue to contact him after (1) he did not acknowlege her love letter (even to say "thanks, but I have a girlfriend" and (2) he continues to not acknowlege any of her public posts.

Maybe she's just lonely, or strange, or both. But, it makes me bit uncomfortable. I know that he cannot control what she says or does, but I'm just curious if anyone else thinks her behavior is a bit odd.

I would be in the same boat you are in thinking that her behaviour is a bit odd! And it would also get me to thinking that he has been communicating with her privately. Aaaand I would also not be okay with him having a private relationship with his ex! I, like you, am very open and honest with my boyfriend about who I talk to and my past. And like your bf, my bf is not as open and honest. I know he still talks to one of his dreaded exes and doesn't tell me, but I just try not to think about it

In your case, his ex is kind of rubbing it in your face, and that would bother me as it does you. My suggestion would be to bring it up with him, but not in a jelous way. Just let him know how you feel about her constant comments and such. Because it makes you uncomfortable and he claims not to talk to her, could you ask him to delete her as a friend? Again you don't want to come off jelous, but if it were me that is likely what I would do.

Sometimes...well most of the time...I really wish facebook didn't exist for reasons like this.

Good luck

I agree that you should try to move on from this for good reason that you mentioned.

He's been consistent, he doesn't talk about exes and doesn't ask about yours so you know he just doesn't do that sort of thing. Seems pretty consistent with the fact that it's cultural too. You mention the contrast in what he'll be open about and spoke as if this is a negative but I don't think so. That speaks also to his consistency. If he was open with talking about some of his exes and just not this one, I would begin to worry but that doesn't seem to be the case. The fact that he simply said "not really" was also just related to the fact that he only said as much as he had to, he just answered your question and that was that, well, again, because he just won't go into detail about her.

From what you've mentioned it doesn't sound like you have evidence of them contacting each other at this point either. It was simply "liking" a picture related to him or of him and that, to me, isn't the equivalent of them really keeping in touch anyway.

Trust me, I'm like you, if it happened to me, I would probably be on here looking for reassurances, as I have a very sensitive radar when it comes to other women when I'm with someone, and can be quite insecure when my SO is keeping in touch with exes.

Hope this helps *hugs*

sorry I didn't read your follow up related to the love letter... but my opinion remains mostly the same. It's understandable that it would bring up more suspicions in you. That being said, I think that still at this point nothing he's said brings up red flags for me about him. Maybe about his ex, but she could be determined to get him back even as he keeps ignoring her. Some people will try even harder when their target person ignores them.

Even though she may be the one pursuing him and he's ignoring her, I think for your sake, if it were me, I would cut off all communication and unfriend her. Not saying he is doing anything wrong per se, but that it's always best to eliminate (if possible) anything that's feeding the insecurity of the other, if it's in your power to. As a man, I just think he would be doing the right thing to do so. Whether or not you should ask him to overtly is another question. I'm not sure if I would, since at this point, he hasn't shown any real evidence of really communicating with her. At the very least, though, I would bring it up, not so much about his past, but his contact with her. Keep the focus on your feelings and let him know it just makes you uncomfortable, without telling him to do anything, explain why but don't probe too deeply about what they were together or anything like that. Just talk about how you feel and then leave the ball in his court at that point.

[Leed]

I agree mostly with the above, but you're going to have to be very careful due to his cultural differences. If you get too pushy or ask too many questions, he's going to get angry, and shut down completely and you don't want that. You already know that in his culture, they don't talk about this kind of thing, so asking questions is already over the line! So I'd be very very careful about this.

Like has been said, he's been pretty consistent and you have no evidence that he's contacting her so I think I'd just let it go and figure she's just lonely and is trying to start trouble. She MUST know he's in a relationship, so just chalk her up as a bimbo.

Stop worrying -- he chose YOU. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[lido78]

Thanks for the responses, and I've taken everything very much to heart. To his credit, my BF actually asked me if I'd like him to "de-friend" her. I said "no" because I think she'd likely then reach out to him in private, and all I really needed was for him to offer....of his own accord without my pushing him into it.

I do respect his right to have female friends, including female friends who are exes...since I have quite a number of male friends and some ex-boyfriends who've moved safely into the "good, old friend" zone. This one particular girl just seemed a bit wacky and clueless.

Strangely enough, an ex-boyfriend of mine is having the SAME issues with his girlfriend...she's jealous that he's still in touch with so many of his exes. Ironically, she's okay with me...probably because I take very extra care to make her comfortable (maybe even to her boyfriend's detriment)....When we've all gotten together, I only refer to him as my friend and never as an ex-boyfriend...my current boyfriend is always with me at these group encounters, and I really do try to make her and their relationship the focus since they are a "newer" couple. But, I think some of his more recent ex-girfriends have not been as careful...and it's caused them a lot of problems unfortunately. :-(

Originally Posted by lido78

..my BF actually asked me if I'd like him to "de-friend" her.

This is good news. I understand the need to have him offer to unfriend her and I'm glad that he did. Sounds like a good guy and I'm glad it helped make you feel better!

[lou123]

I am going through a similar situation.

After fighting every few months for 2.5 years about HER and me making myself think I had jealousy issues, it turns out I was right THE WHOLE TIME. They were talking about sex, had a make out session, went to lunch, went to a movie, he tired to get in her pants several times.

My advice? Where there is smoke, there is fire. If he had an ex and you felt jealous that would be one thing. The fat that they've communicated and he wasn't upfront about it speaks volumes. Let me guess.. he didn't tell you for fear of YOUR reaction?

Yep. sounds about right

Originally Posted by lou123

I am going through a similar situation.

After fighting every few months for 2.5 years about HER and me making myself think I had jealousy issues, it turns out I was right THE WHOLE TIME. They were talking about sex, had a make out session, went to lunch, went to a movie, he tired to get in her pants several times.

My advice? Where there is smoke, there is fire. If he had an ex and you felt jealous that would be one thing. The fat that they've communicated and he wasn't upfront about it speaks volumes. Let me guess.. he didn't tell you for fear of YOUR reaction?

Yep. sounds about right

I can understand your perspective after having gone through what you did and many times where there is smoke, there is fire, like you say..

But if you read through the post, he hasn't communicated with her and in his culture they don't talk about exes. She(the ex) was posting on his FB and pursuing him, but it was never stated that she (the gf) found him to be communicating back. He stated that he hasn't communicated back and on top of that offered to defriend her on fb. I don't think there's enough evidence to show that he's pursuing his ex at all.

I'm sorry you went through what you did too though, as I've been there and understand what you're saying.

[lido78]

I'm so sorry that you were right about your "gut" feelings. That must feel absolutely terrible. As mentioned above, my boyfriend has told me that he is not in touch with her (other than to wish her happy birthday), and he has not publicly responded to her posts with friendly comments or even a "like." Of course, he could be doing all kinds of things in private but, for now, I will believe him until there are red flags other than HER behavior. Culturally, he believes that talking about exes is tacky and somewhat irrelevant, but I've let him know that I'd prefer to be aware of any exes that he has an active friendship with...I've also told him he can meet any of my exes and/or ask me any questions that he may have. He's met one or two but never asked any questions about the relationships themselves. It's just his way.

[lido78]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

This is good news. I understand the need to have him offer to unfriend her and I'm glad that he did. Sounds like a good guy and I'm glad it helped make you feel better!

Yep...it spoke volumes to me that he'd offer. I'm a bit of a suspicious person by nature, and I really don't want my issues to get mixed up with imaginary red flags.

Originally Posted by lido78

Yep...it spoke volumes to me that he'd offer. I'm a bit of a suspicious person by nature, and I really don't want my issues to get mixed up with imaginary red flags.

Well I don't think they were imaginary flags. Really any flag that comes up related to exes being in touch is justified. Whether or not they remain up is the question

[lido78]

Well, the old adage about where there is smoke, there is fire is kind of true in my case. Although I chose to believe my boyfriend about how much he is in touch with an ex-girlfriend who lives overseas, I just found out that he was lying about some stuff that he'd told me.

The lies are about stuff that happened before we even met and don't really have anything to do with me, but they do concern this ex-girlfriend. They are things he could have told me up front that would not have bothered me too much. But, now that I find he's lied about them, all I can do is wonder what else he'd lied about. My stomach is a mess and I feel like there is now a huge wall up between us. Because he didn't cheat or anything like that, and the lies don't have anything to do with me, he thinks that I should just move on from it. We had a big fight concerning the lying, but he's been acting totally normal since then. Inside though, I feel really disappointed.

He said he lied because he knew that I'd get upset. I'm just not like that...even if I might upset someone, I tell the truth when asked a direct question. I do not volunteer hurtful information if not asked but, when asked, I tell the truth.

He told me that they had broken up when she moved from the States back to Europe and didn't speak much after that. In actuality, they had a vacation together a few months after they broke up (he met up with her in Europe as part of a bigger trip to see family also overseas). Although they stayed in touch after the vacation, he says it was the last time he's seen her. This was three years ago and the summer before we started dating. So, this all happened before he and I ever even met. But, I had asked him point blank if they were in touch after the break up and if she'd been the girl he'd gone to Spain with. He said no to both and indicated that the trip had been with someone else.

He also admitted that, more recently (this summer), she'd asked him to be a referral for a job she was applying for (still overseas) so they'd spoken about that and he provided her with the referral.

None of this would have upset me that much if he'd just been up front since they have nothing to do with me. As I've said in prior posts, I'm in touch with many ex-boyfriends and would definitely help them with job stuff. Even the fact that they were still kind of seeing each other after they broke up has nothing to do with me since we were not dating at that point. And many people continue to "hang out" after a break up if they're not with other people. He could have been honest.

It's just all the lies. Was he simply trying to avoid a fight (he is very confrontation averse) or can I expect more significant stuff to come out of the woodwork?

[NinaNina]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I have been in very similiar situations with my current boyfriend, about him lying about stuff that happened before we met, but it is still lying and of course it makes you worry about what else they lie about. I, like you, am a very honest person and I don't understand our signficant other's cannot be the same.

I wish I could give you advice to help you get through this, but I honestly haven't figured out how to get past it myself, so I don't know how much advice I can give Just know that I know how you feel, and I hope your boyfriend is more honest with you in the future.

[lido78]

Thank you NinaNina! It helps a lot just to hear that I'm not the only one. Many men avoid telling their girlfriends/wives about stuff they think will upset them because they don't really understand or feel comfortable with the emotional response. I think my b.f. is that way and that he wasn't really trying to hide stuff. He doesn't realize yet that my getting upset doesn't mean that I don't love him or that I will break up with him. I just express myself and then move on.

[NinaNina]

Originally Posted by lido78

Thank you NinaNina! It helps a lot just to hear that I'm not the only one. Many men avoid telling their girlfriends/wives about stuff they think will upset them because they don't really understand or feel comfortable with the emotional response. I think my b.f. is that way and that he wasn't really trying to hide stuff. He doesn't realize yet that my getting upset doesn't mean that I don't love him or that I will break up with him. I just express myself and then move on.

No, exactly that is very true.

One main thing my boyfriend lied to me about was his past with a girl that he still kept in contact with and that we hung out with a bit together. I had asked him if they had ever been more than friends. He said they had always been just friends. I ended up finding out they had hooked up numerous times, the last time only a month before we met. Its not the fact that it happened that upset me, its the fact that he outright lied about it, obviously wanting to avoid me being upset or jelous. Men sometimes

I'm sure its the same with your boyfriend, just trying to avoid any negative emotions from you.

Originally Posted by NinaNina

No, exactly that is very true.

One main thing my boyfriend lied to me about was his past with a girl that he still kept in contact with and that we hung out with a bit together. I had asked him if they had ever been more than friends. He said they had always been just friends. I ended up finding out they had hooked up numerous times, the last time only a month before we met. Its not the fact that it happened that upset me, its the fact that he outright lied about it, obviously wanting to avoid me being upset or jelous. Men sometimes

I'm sure its the same with your boyfriend, just trying to avoid any negative emotions from you.

As a man, I find this additional information disconcerting. I mean, why lie about a relationship that happened before you were together? I'm one that believes in full disclosure of my past. I mean but then, I don't have a long history with girlfriends and dates so it's not difficult, but still... What concerns me is that anyone (male or female) is willing to lie about anything so readily. For me, it would make me wonder if there are other things that I haven't discovered them being dishonest about. That's a real warning flag for me, tbh.

[NinaNina]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

As a man, I find this additional information disconcerting. I mean, why lie about a relationship that happened before you were together? I'm one that believes in full disclosure of my past. I mean but then, I don't have a long history with girlfriends and dates so it's not difficult, but still... What concerns me is that anyone (male or female) is willing to lie about anything so readily. For me, it would make me wonder if there are other things that I haven't discovered them being dishonest about. That's a real warning flag for me, tbh.

Yes, I know, and it was a huge red flag for me. After this we had a long conversation about being honest...this was over a year ago and has been sorted out.

[lido78]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

As a man, I find this additional information disconcerting. I mean, why lie about a relationship that happened before you were together? I'm one that believes in full disclosure of my past. I mean but then, I don't have a long history with girlfriends and dates so it's not difficult, but still... What concerns me is that anyone (male or female) is willing to lie about anything so readily. For me, it would make me wonder if there are other things that I haven't discovered them being dishonest about. That's a real warning flag for me, tbh.

And, this is what has me a bit sick to my stomach. I will admit that even though I would tell the truth about any question that he'd directly ask me, I don't always offer up all the details if they have not been solicited by him. He has never, not even once, asked me about an ex-boyfriend, so I've only ever volunteered fairly generic information if I know that they'll end up meeting one day. He has met some guys that I've dated in the past but not known about the relationship becuase he's said he doesn't want to know. So, I just introduce them as friends and he doesn't ask anything more. If he were to ask me if I'd ever dated them, I'd tell him the absolute truth. So, I really only volunteer information about guys who have been real "boyfriends" but not about every guy that I've ever dated or hooked up with...At this point, I'm not mad about the information, just the lying. Grrrr.

I've asked that on a going-forward basis he just tell me the truth the first time I ask a question and not worry about whether I'll get upset. He's promised to do this, but I will definitely feel the fool if this happens again.

[lido78]

So, there have been no additional episodes were I've found him to have lied about stuff from his past....I've just been trying to move on from this and see if I can rebuild some trust. I do believe he lied because he could see that this woman bothered me, and I don't believe that they currently have a very active friendship. That being said, she continues to post on his Facebook, and he continues to not respond or even "like" her comments. But, every time she posts something, it reminds me that he previously lied to me about her (just about their history together and when their relationship actually ended).

This is making it very difficult for me to try to put the lies in the past and move on. When he offered to delete her from Facebook, I said "no" because I don't think it's my place to ask for this and, to be honest, I didn't want to drive her to message him privately. I just don't understand what she's getting out of posting when he appears to not be responding. If I posted and never got feedback from someone, I'd probaby stop after a fairly short period of time.

He says he think she may be a bit lonely or even a tad psycho....but I still have to wonder if he's encouragnig her in some way that I don't know about. He's offered to let me see his Hotmail messages, but I declined....I do believe that someone's messages are private but her behaviour still seems off to me....

Over the weekend she made several comments on pictures he posted months or even a year or two ago...it kind of makes me uncomfortable that she's obviously going through his old pictures...honestly, it feels like a bit of cyber stalking...but I'm hoping someone can tell me that I'm just paranoid and that, as long as he isn't really responding, her behaviour really has nothing to do with us.

[NinaNina]

Hmm...that is a little strange, but it honestly at this point does seem like it is a problem of HERS and not anything to do with you and your boyfriend.