[Rhapsody]

So.... please tell ME (or help me to understand) - how does a female change their way of feeling about MEN and/ or TRUSTING them.... when every thing (and every one) in their personal and sexual life has told them differently.... always the negative side of it all - and rarely the positive.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[bebop]

rhap not sure what you mean..interesting topic though. we could meet in chat and talk about it!

[Rhapsody]

Thanks Bebop..... but I really do not do well in chat rooms.... and I am about to get ready for bed.... its 12:30 am here and we got a big day planned tomorrow for hubby.

I will check for any new replies in the morning.... needing to TRUST again.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[(JD)]

I think you have already begun. Next you need to maybe make a list of what you currently believe about men. That way you will be able to directly see where you are at... and also it might make it easier to determine where the errors might be.

Not all men are the same. (Just like all women aren't the same. All children aren't the same.)

Your history with the men in your life not only colors how you view all men, but might also cause you to bring more men of the same poor quality into your life.

Looks like a good journey, imo! TC!

[Rhapsody]

I hear YOU and agree SKY.... and yet I remain lost and a little clueless to how I can completely change my own inner belief system (of which I know has been tainted by past sexual abuse, both as a child & an adult) - but then again life & society does not help much either.... every thing we see, hear, read and some times even experience tells us that men are only out for number one and sex / sexy females.


LoVe,
Rhapsody - << >>

[(JD)]

It will be a slow process, but worth it, imo. Finding safe ppl along the way will help. TC! Have a good night

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_Sky said:
It will be a slow process, but worth it, imo.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes.... it is a slow process and it is a path that I am determined to remain committed to.... I just might need to re-hash this subject many times over before I get to the finish line - and with that I pray that you all do not grow tired of me during this difficult period in my life.

And I also know that the AGE of a male has a lot to do with how a man behaves in life & in love..... and while my husband had once lived the life of a foolish youth and now at age 41 is wanting and desiring to change his ways / habits - I still need time to heal from the consequences that his action has caused in our marriage and in ME.... I wonder if trust can ever be the same again.

BTW.............................. Our actions have consequences to Others.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[(JD)]

Ah true words! sigh. Wish I could always remember them. Well, maybe by beginning with elderly men in nursing homes...for a safe place? IDK just a thought.

I think rehashing is what we all do here. It's a good thing sometimes! TC

[Kalamity]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_Sky said:
Your history with the men in your life not only colors how you view all men, but might also cause you to bring more men of the same poor quality into your life.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I too have a very difficult time trusting men (and women as well). I think part of the problem is our/my self-image. I believe I continue to attrack the same types because I don't feel I'm worthy of better men, or capable of attracking someone better.

[jennie]

Rhapsody . . . I felt the same distrust of men.

For me, I realized my "picker" was broken. I realized I kept surrounding myself with the wrong types of people. I'd pick mates who were substances abusers or sex addicts; this is how my picker was broken.

After I realized my picker was broken, I quit looking for mates and began working on healing for myself. I asked myself why was I drawn to doomed relationships? Also, why was I willing to give so much and get little or nothing in return? Those answers related to the nature of my sexual abuse and neglect I endured as a child.

I believe it is easier to find a healthy relationship when you are on more solid ground. That is, if that (a healthy relationship) is what you value.

Everyone has different values. I worked at finding a mate who had similar values as I did (do). I'm not going to list all the things I desired in a mate . . . but this one . . . I wanted children, a family.

One major attractive quality about my hubby is that he doesn't push me to have sexual intimacy when he senses I'm being triggered to memories of my past assaults. He can't read my mind. We had to work at effective communication to ensure my feeling of safety. He cares and respects me completely. Those are priceless values!

I'm certain you can find a mate who values what you value and cares and respects you completely. (((((((((Rhapsody))))))))

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jennie said:
I'm certain you can find a mate who values what you value and cares and respects you completely. (((((((((Rhapsody))))))))

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thank YOU....... and YES I have found that person, my husband of 20 years, I just had to be willing & strong enough to stay around long enough for him (and I) to work through our own inner struggles and wounds, and now we must walk the path we have choosen and heal from the consequences created by negative actions.

BTW - I am not posting this thread to say or ask if "I Can ever Find that type of MAN" (but) rather to say does any one else out there believe he is real and does exist..... unlike the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

P.S.

My husband is slowly becoming that MAN..... after cheating on me before we married, after turning 40, after almost losing me, after hurting me, after creating fear &amp; doubt in me (his wife &amp; only love), after facing sexual addiction, after loosing a child, and most importantly after he started to HATE the young male ways he still held onto.

and NOW....... I must learn to TRUST again after all that.
To trust men in general..... and all with a father that was never around and a past of sexual abuse.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[bebop]

all I can say is WOW! that shows excellent growth for anyone!

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rhapsody said:
Thank YOU....... and YES I have found that person, my husband of 20 years, I just had to be willing & strong enough to stay around long enough for him (and I) to work through our own inner struggles and wounds, and now we must walk the path we have choosen and heal from the consequences created by negative actions.

BTW - I am not posting this thread to say or ask if "I Can ever Find that type of MAN" (but) rather to say does any one else out there believe he is real and does exist..... unlike the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't believe a perfect relationship exsists. I don't think you need to change your inner belief system about men, either. It's your husband that needs to prove he has similar values as you do. Through time, you'll trust your hubby again. Thus, the saying goes . . . By their fruits you shall know them.

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jennie said:
I don't think you need to change your inner belief system about men, either. It's your husband that needs to prove he has similar values as you do. Through time, you'll trust your hubby again. Thus, the saying goes . . . By their fruits you shall know them.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


Thanks.... now I wonder how long that might just be, for I have lived with the opposite for so long. My husband wonders too, for while he is trying to be patient he says he often feels hopeless for himself as a man due to the way I feel inside.

Is there any one out there that can help me or give me straight forward advice on how they solved this issue with in themselves and with in their marriage? - for while I know all the why and how's.... I am lost in the healing of self.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rhapsody said:
Is there any one out there that can help me or give me straight forward advice on how they solved this issue with in themselves and with in their marriage? - for while I know all the why and how's.... I am lost in the healing of self.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

There is no mathematical solution for the answer you want.
You want us to fill in your blanks to the formula of achieving trust or healing (happiness).

_________ + _________ = happiness

Everyone is unique. We can't fill in your blanks. I'm not sure a formula even exists for happiness. If you figure it out, patent and copyright it.

For me, in my situation of learning to trust my man was like this Alcoholics Anonymous saying: Fake it 'til you make it. You could pretend you trust your hubby; give him a chance to convince you he is trustworthy.

[Rhapsody]

I wasn't asking for a formula for happiness.... I was asking for help in learning how to reestablish TRUST and how to HEAL from this type of hurt.... of the heart, of broken trust, of broken vows, and of sexual fear of one that you love.
................................ then and only then will my happiness come.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
I too have heard the "FAKE IT until you MAKE IT" theory and yet it is hard to say the least.... but I have honestly tried, and then again.... emotions often have a mind of their own.

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rhapsody said:
I wasn't asking for a formula for happiness.... I was asking for help in learning how to reestablish TRUST and how to HEAL from this type of hurt.... of the heart, of broken trust, of broken vows, and of sexual fear of one that you love.
................................ then and only then will my happiness come

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

you did indirectly ask the formula for happiness . . . let's see if i can apply what you wrote into the formula . . .

trust your man (variable A) + your healing (variable B) = your happiness

you want us to tell you how to do A and B, right?

(((((((((((((((Rhapsody)))))))))))) I'm sorry I'm not able to solve your problem. I want to be more supportive, so I'll shutup if you want me to. Sending hugs your way.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rhapsody said:
I too have heard the "FAKE IT until you MAKE IT" theory and yet it is hard to say the least.... but I have honestly tried, and then again.... emotions often have a mind of their own.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

It is hard. Pretending takes deception (deceiving others and/or self). The "Fake it 'til you make it" method is not for everyone.

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jennie said:
(((((((((((((((Rhapsody)))))))))))) I'm sorry I'm not able to solve your problem. I want to be more supportive, so I'll shutup if you want me to. Sending hugs your way.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks (smiles) - and NO you do not have to shut up, for it is through talking that I find my solutions at times.
And you are right the fake it part is not for every one and I doubt that it will be for me..... for I believe in honestly and truth at all cost, and every turn.

And while I know that there is no specific formula for trusting and healing (and that every one is differently) there still has to be a general guide line.... like with all issues / addictions that need to be healed, hence the reason for this site..... so with that I thought that maybe some one that has been thru the exact same thing that I am going thru might be able to shed some light in my darkness.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rhapsody said:
And while I know that there is no specific formula for trusting and healing (and that every one is differently) there still has to be a general guide line.... like with all issues / addictions that need to be healed, hence the reason for this site..... so with that I thought that maybe some one that has been thru the exact same thing that I am going thru might be able to shed some light in my darkness.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Just a thought . . . I'm not sure all issues need to be healed for one to find happiness. Some issues go to the core of one's identity. Can some of the painful issues be let alone and then one can "move on" to a better place? Maybe that requires denial, which again is deception, which you said you couldn't do . . . sorry, I'm not helping again.

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jennie said:
Just a thought . . . I'm not sure all issues need to be healed for one to find happiness.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You are right.... all issues do not need to be healed in order to find happiness, but it does need to happen to TRUST again and to Change my inner belief system about men (and my husband).... which btw was the original thought process behind this thread.

Thanks....................

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Sujin]

Sky

[Sujin]

Rhapsody, I think it just takes time to learn to trust and change the way you feel, especially when you've had to deal with negative issues, but I have faith that you will. After being fed the negative for so long, it takes a while to build up the positive. I know you will succeed though, you already seem like you are on your way! I wish you peace.

Love to you,
Zen

[walkswithspiritbear]

((((((Rhapsody )))))))) I am uncertain of all your issues of late as I am still new at being back here at PC. but I certainly understand the mistrust issue, I understand the abuse issue and I understand how hard it is to trust even when there is not reason to mistrust/. All I can do is extend my heart and eyes in friendship to you and listen when you need an ear, offer a hug when you can use one.. Please take care and sleep well.... Linda

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_Sky said:
I think you have already begun. Next you need to maybe make a list of what you currently believe about men. That way you will be able to directly see where you are at... and also it might make it easier to determine where the errors might be.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


Ok - Sky....... I am going to make that list today and then post it online and then hopefully everyone can help me prove or bust the MYTH(s) that my past life experiences has now created in my mind.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -