He Hit Me Last Night

You definitely need to leave him. He can then reorganize his kitchen till the cows come home - HE said "it can always be reorganized" so let him enjoy the process.

domestic violence is more than just physical abuse -

Sometimes situations start to look normal after awhile so that we don't see what we're living with.

Living like you are is not normal.

Thanks Yoda, bountifully helpful!

Hugs!!!! Unfourtunately I can relate :[

I often wonder if he ever even realized he's been abusing me. I mean, after I started crying saying last night "I didn't do anything!" he started yelling at me to stop acting like I was the victim:
Him: "Stop it!! Stop saying that!! STOP SAYING THAT!! You always do this!! You always try to make yourself look like the victim!!!"
Me: "I was just washing dishes and you hit me!!!"
Him: I didn't hit you!!
Me: "Yes you did!!"

That's when he looked at my arm and realized he did hit me

Him: "Oh my God!! Did I do that?! I did!! Oh my God! I did! I did!! I'm so sorry!! I did!! Oh my God!! I just meant to grab you!! I never meant to hurt you!! I should've never done that to you!"

It's after this I wasn't sure if he was trying to cover it up or if it really was an accident. Still...I often wonder if he realizes he's been verbally and mentally abusing me. I mean, I looked at that Power & Control wheel in the Power & control in dating relationships thread and he does a huge majority of everything on that chart but does he realize he's doing it?!

It does not matter. His mindset does not matter. If abuse were a crime in a court of law then judges or jury would ponder as to his state of mind because it is generally worse to do bad things being aware of what you are doing and having malice than being blissfully ignorant. But you are the victim and for you it does not matter.

I hope you get this resolved and stand up for yourself. No one deserves to be abused, whether he realizes or not you deserve to be treated with respect and valued as a person. I had a friend that dated another friend. He was real controlling and verbally abusive. It made my others friends life miserable for several months before she left him. Don't let his problems wreck your life. Be strong and stand up for yourself. You deserve to do what you want and not cater to his will.

Thanks everyone, you've all been really helpful. I'm glad I have people I can talk to now. I don't really get to see my friends or family anymore. Only people I talk to now are the people I play games online with. I'm glad I can talk to people who can relate or have great advice on my problems. I'm really glad I joined this site

Agreed that it doesn't really matter if he is fully aware of what he is doing or not. You will have plenty of time to wonder about that after you have removed yourself from the situation. Maybe he actually didn't mean to hit you, but really that's not the point as far as I'm concerned. As I've stated a rare hitting or two is not necessarily a big deal, but from what you have described, this person has the mentality of an abuser, and that's what's important. He won't change, and it will get worse.

http://www.domesticpeace.com/ed_safety.htm

Safety during an explosive incident

Decide and plan where you will go if you have to leave home (even if you don't think you will need to).

Practice how to get out of your home safely. Identify which doors, windows, elevator or stairwell would be best.

Have a packed bag ready and keep it at a relative's or friend's home in order to leave quickly. Use the checklist below to decide what is important for you to take.

Identify one or more neighbors you can talk to about the violence and ask them to call the police if they hear a disturbance coming from your home.

Devise a code word to use with your children, family, friends and neighbors when you need the police.

If you believe an argument/incident is going to occur, try to move to a room or area where you have access to an exit. Stay away from any weapons, the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom or other rooms without an outside door or window.

Use your own instincts and judgment. If the situation is very dangerous, do whatever is necessary to be safe. This may mean giving the abuser what he wants to calm him down.

If necessary, call for help. Dial "0" or "911".

Always remember - You Do Not Deserve To Be Hit, Threatened, or Live in Fear!

Safety when preparing to leave

Open a savings account and/or credit card in your own name to establish or increase your independence. Think of other ways in which you can increase your independence.

Leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents, extra medicines and clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly.

Determine who would be able to let you stay with them or lend you some money.

Keep the shelter or hotline number close at hand and keep some change or a calling card on you at all times for emergency phone calls.

Review your safety plan as often as possible in order to plan the safest way to leave your batterer. Remember - Leaving Your Batterer Is A Very Dangerous Time!

Safety at home

Change the locks on your doors as soon as possible. Buy additional locks and safety devices to secure your windows.

Discuss a safety plan with your children for when you are not with them.

Tell your children's school, day care, etc., who has your permission to pick up the children.

Notify your neighbors and landlord that your partner no longer lives with you and that they should call the police if they see him near your residence.


Safety with a protection order

Keep your protection order on you at all times. Give a copy to a trusted neighbor, family member or clergy person. Keep a copy in the glove compartment of your car.

Call the police if your batterer violates the protection order.

Think of other ways to keep safe until law enforcement arrives.

Inform family, friends, neighbors, and a physician that you have a protection order.

Safety in public or at work

Tell your co-worker(s), boss and/or office or building security about your situation. Provide a picture of your batterer if possible.

Arrange to have an answering machine, caller ID or co-worker screen your telephone calls if possible.

Devise a safety plan for when you leave work. Have someone escort you to your car or bus, and wait with you until you are safely on your way. Use a variety of routes to go home if possible. Think about what you would do if something happened while going home.

Go to different grocery stores, businesses, and banks if possible. If this is not possible, change the time and day which you go shopping.


Checklist - Important things to take with you when you leave

Identification

Driver's License
Children's Birth Certificates
Your Birth Certificate
Social Security Cards
Work Permits/VISA
Passport

Financial

Money and/or credit cards
Bank books
Checkbooks
Public Assistance documentation
Tax return from previous year
Pay stubs for you
Loan information

Other Important Papers

Your Protection Order
Lease, rental agreement or house deed
Car registration and insurance papers
Health and life insurance papers
Medical records for you and children
Vaccination records
Divorce papers
Custody papers


Other

House and car keys
Medications
Address Book
Phone cards
Pictures of you, your children and your abuser
Change of clothes for you and your children
Children's toys
Jewelry

Important phone numbers
(Numbers will vary depending on your location)

The closest domestic violence/sexual assault program: __________
Police: 911 or __________
Sheriff: __________
Victim -Witness Unit: __________
Prosecuting Attorney: __________
Clerk or District Court: __________
Probation Department: __________
Private Attorney: __________
Other: __________
Other: __________

Shauna, I can so totally relate to you. You have got to talk to him, and make absolutely certin this NEVER , EVER happens again. I would suggest going to T together. Have a friend, neighbor, relative, someone over while you discuss what happened. That way if he does get angry there are witness. That also puts extra eyes on you and him if someone knows this has happened. I know this sounds crazy, I am in a similar situation but my H has not hit me as of yet, But I would stay for the time being. Get your finances in order, make a safety plan, create documentation by calling an abuse hotline. If something like this happens again, leave and do not return. You will have a plan and you will have finances.

Yoda had some very wize words. Ones I need to copy and be aware of for my self. Thanks Yoda.

IF HE TOUCHES YOU AGAIN DO NOT STAY, LEAVE

It is certainly a great idea to first remove yourself from the situation and then wonder about the great mysteries of his psyche. However, even that should have its limits. You cannot spend the rest of your life deciphering his behavior and motivation and level of awareness. You just need to extract your lessons learned that would help you avoid such situations in the future.

ok so i have been in a very similar relationhip , i wanted to cuddle the guy - he flipped out
and so he got on top of me and pressed all his weight to his hands and pressed it against my forhead, hurt really bad , and slapped me in the face several times
i cried and said ur a ****ing idiot
then after that i turned the lights off and went in a diff room slept ont he couch , he came in and started yelling " say sorry!"
and hit me on the arm as well and pushed me against the furniture really hard and screamed in my ear " this is me mad"

k so - he stopped and
left
and i ended up sleeping on the staires and
he texted me cuz he heard my phone going off, i was asking people to pick me up
he said he was sorry
and i was like u scare me
and next day he gave me roses and tried to make it up
no one can make anything like that up

- i saw a aprt of him i never saw before but now i know its there
and i dont want to be a part of it anymore

**** i wouodnt want to have kids with a guy like that and have him be around them

u got to look at the big picture

u can find a man better for u - sexier- and non violent

Hitting is always a huge red flag regardless of whether one thinks humans are animals or not. I suppose it is a matter of what happens in the future. If it happened once and never again I would be hurt but would forget it. If it is a pattern and he cannot handle his anger, I would get out quickly.

I was hit and abused by my first husband. I thought I deserved it and did not know any better. It is a horrible thing to become dependent on someone who abuses you. Once it becomes a pattern and an acceptable way for him to channel his anger it can be come really dangerous. Be careful and have a back up plan to stay safe.

What the guy needs is a cleaning service with an hourly pay. Not fixed rate but hourly. The maids organize the kitchen and he pays for it. He messes the kitchen up and says that it is easy to reorganize. The maids agree with him and are happy to reorganize but charge him for another two hours of work. Eventually he will learn to appreciate the fruits of someone else's efforts and not mess the kitchen up.

Shauna, in other words, people treat their maids much better than he treats you.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

He's trying to make it up to me with ice-cream. It made me want to laugh at his stupidity but I didn't and inside I was pretty much thinking he's an idiot if he thinks ice-cream is supposed to make me feel better...I wouldn't dare say it though. It amazes me how fast and easy he thinks it'll be for me to get over this. If he hits me again I'm calling everyone in my family who live in the next city over to see if someone can come pick me up because I'm not gonna deal with "It was an accident" again. I agree with what you say about the kids as-well. I grew up with a drunk and abusive father..he verbally, mentally and physically abused me and my mother but treated my brother like a God. I wouldn't EVER want me and my kids to go through what my mother and I went through before my dad got Cancer. He died in 2010 but I still have the horrible memories...

I had past abusive relationships as-well, even one where the guy raped me. He knows of these things and got mad at me when I flinched because I thought he was going to hit me, he took it as offense that I instantly thought he would start abusing me. He got into the habit where he kissed me after I flinched...I got comfortable knowing he wouldn't hurt me, I was glad I was in a relationship I could be proud of then he started making all the chores my responsibility then started humiliating me in-front of his friends and family to verbal/mental abuse to "accidentally hitting me in the arm when he meant to grab me"...

I'm sorry you had to go through that. You deserve better than that. I hope you find people in your life that can appreciate the cute, intelligent person you are and treat you right. There are good people out there. I hope things get better for you.

that guy is a complete and utter wan*** .
show him the door & hope it hit's him on the way out! i'am sending you courage and love, stay safe

It will take some time getting over the abuse/flinching. Sounds like you are just getting involved with the wrong men. There are lots of good hearted people out there you just need to find them. Don't feel for one second that you have to put up with abuse because nobody deserves it or should put up with it.

Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/dome...es_effects.htm

"
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe."

get out and stay safe......

I would tell him ice cream isnt going to make up for it. I would see he needs to work out his problems and go to anger management or something. I would also tell him if he hurts you again you are calling an the police and leaving him. Make sure you have a place to go too if things get nasty. Personally I think the guy sucks and you deserve someone better. It sounds like you had to deal with a lot of a**holes in your life. I hope things improve or you have the strength to walk away from a bad releationship. I wish you luck.

The first signs of a dangerous abusive relationship cycle is when the victim starts making justifications and/or excuses for the abuser's behavior. "but he didn't mean to", or in your case "he wasn't even aware he did this" Ummm no unless he's a dissociative personality afflicted person and blacks out suddenly - he was aware of hitting you! Don't let him lie and convince you it was any other way. You did something that he let himself get angry about, then he reacted in kind, he hit you. Period. He made a choice and I don't believe for a second his hand "accidentally" caused your arm to turn red. O.o Please step back and see the logic in this before you're caught up in the cycle. It will keep happening if you let it. Get out now.

Why wouldn't you dare say it? Are you afraid that he'll hurt you?