[jer77od]

Or is it? This is my first time asking for help. I wanted to help 10+ people before I started bxtching about my life. and well.. here we are. To the internet our problems subside. I'm probably posting in the wrong subforum/forum... whatever.

Anyways. I'm asking for help, yes, that's right. I said it. It all started when I got dumped almost immediately after xmas.

From that day forward, which has only been about 3 months now, life has seemed like it has been spiraling down like a toilet with all my hopes and dreams and I got to gain plenty of old emotions. YAY.... I love repressed memories and deep dark depressions happening all over again. (I'm being a smartass)

Let's start from the beginning. It all started when I graduated college last year, I immediately got a job as a technician at some hole in the wall crap hole. I met such an amazing woman. Rare, into video games, tattoos, super kind, blah Fn blah. I only mention this because we didn't last long. Anyways it seemed we hit it off, quickly. I've been without a relationship since 2005 because the last one really messed with my head. I tried hard to be with this girl, and finally, she said ya. It was not forced tho, I know that's what it sounds like. She was actually happy to be with me.
Days turned to months of mushy gushy romantic bs, I don't want to get into detail but there was a LOT of heart shared. A lot of emotional development. I don't mean that mushy gushy like you get in every beginning of every relationship, I mean that "mushy gushy" for years and years. Things were going great until...

until things didn't start going so great. We both got new jobs at the same time. Me, at Intel (thank god) working graveyard, and her working all in the AM mon-fri. So we never, ever got to see eachother. Hardly ever. We had to plan accordingly. I got to see her maybe just a few hours a week. I was really started to get pxssed off. So I said something, we then worked out a new schedule. Which crumbled at my feet as quickly as it was created. Every time we had time off she would rather be smoking weed with her friends and just watching movies at home. Idk about you but that is not the life for me. So I brought up the point. Her response, was heartbreaking and very powerful. Apparently I'm too serious for what she wants. And that is where it all ended.

I tried everything in my book to not end what was already ended. From mind games to pity parties to "truth be tolds". Ya I fxcked up big time. Whatever. I'm really good at fxcking up. A few weeks of this went by and I started to get furious how she could just dump me like that. I even offered to take a break and a breather but apparently that also, wasn't good enough. Then I knowingly talked **** about her to her friend knowing she would tell her. And that is when things got really bad. She text me saying how messed up it was, what I said and we need a break. It's been about 3 months now...

So, here I am waiting for a considerable amount of time to pass before I even think about contacting her again, trying to rekindle what was once had. During the wait I've been losing it. I mean, just losing it. I don't know how to deal with this very well. From drugs to tears. Every single one of my days off are spent totally obliterated on drugs and alcohol. I can't stand reality. I refuse it. I even want to resort back to the old times of cutting and smoking speed. Though I doubt I will, I still want to. I can't chance my dream job.

Everything I do, everywhere I go, every single little tiny thing reminds me of her. She got me a teddy bear for xmas and I still sleep with it. lol It's very irritating! I want to burn it with a nail it's head attached to our ticket stub from our first movie and our first kiss. My sleep has been very sporadic and my eating is... when? I get full off a $1 item. I sit here writing this feeling like I'm going to have another anxiety/panic attack. It's driving me crazy! My heart is always at twice the rate it normally would. Why do woman always play the key/controlling factor of my happiness or sadness. It's pathetic. I can't even live a normal life anymore. But why? Is it true love? Is it puppy love? am I filling holes from a long time ago? Am I just lonely? I don't know......

I mean.... I have my dream job. One major recent success in my life. I live my own life. Throughout my mountain of problems and a severely messed up childhood, I've done quite well for myself. I own land, a house, my own truck, whatever the F I want. Why am I always so down? Money isn't **** to me anymore. I throw it away every paycheck. I tried to put together a list of negatives that I hated in her to try and change my mind and not want her and find something that is 10 times better. I mean... Who wants a girl that has cheated on you, who is way too easy, a stoner, uneducated, lazy, etc. Being cheated on HURTS by the way. A ton. And for only dating 3 months I should have just told her to hit the bricks. But I couldn't. I saw something special. I just wish I knew all the answers. Nobody really does.

I'm sure everyone is thinking, "Well you should let this one go. You're obsessed. Just face reality, you have issies, (but don't we all?) blah, blah, blah" I know the realistic facts. It's just so hard to face especially by myself. I've never told anybody this story before. To everyone else it's just "yeah we broke up F her".

Anyways, any help would be much appreciated. I could seriously use it before I make yet another terrible decision.

Thanks for listening (or reading, rather) to my extensive rant. It helps regardless of who replies. It took a lot for me to write to even random individuals.

[jer77od]

OH yeah, that reminds me. I've done so many things to cope. Ever since it happend I freak out on all my days off cuz I feel so alone. I fear my days off of work cuz I never have nothing to or nobody to be with. To the point of making online dating profiles. I was very skeptical at first. Turns out it's not that bad. But I'm only finding more and more drinking buddies. My days off are either being stupid and drunk, staring at the wall for endless hours, or sleeping. Ok I'm done.

[Yoda]

You need to accept what things in your life you can control and what things you cannot control. Her behavior, thoughts and feelings are part of what you cannot control.

Congrats on getting a great job at Intel.

Am so sorry to read about what happened, love is wonderful, but it sure does hurt when it goes wrong.

Yep, am going to tell you to move on. It's going to be hard, but you've got no choice. Surely you do not want to stay in this bubble of hurt and anger? Surely you want to get some peace? You've got to let her go.

Oh, and personally speaking whenever I've broken up with someone I've put all the things that remind me of them into a box (or in the bin) and away out of sight to give me a change to breathe and not have my home remind me of them all the time. It's not for everyone but perhaps this would help you?

Be kind to yourself. Breaking up hurts, and so does the loss of hopes and dreams. Do something (non-destructive) that you love to do. Go on a break, have some fun, go see friends. If you dread days off, go do something with them - learn a new skill, join a club, go away and explore around you. Perhaps retail therapy? Buy yourself (if can afford) a treat or two, or some gadget you've always wanted.. and take it easy.

[jer77od]

I know, I can be a bit controlling. But if I don't control my life, who will? But like you've said, I've put everything away. if only I could put my mind away in a box. lol And that damned cute *** teddy bear!! I can't sleep without him. I've bought myself plenty of gadgets. Probably more then I even need because I'm a tech junky. If it plugs into the wall I'm already fascinated. lol. I'm trying to take it easy. I really am. Everything that I used to love has become .. obsolete now. I find joy in nothing but getting as high and drunk as I can possibly get. Sometimes it turns to be quite the challenge for myself. I do want to get some peace. It's just so hard. I wish they made a drug that makes you forget about a particular passed. Imagine how rich that person would right now. I still have things in a box from like 6 years ago that Ive never even seen. Is that weird?

[hamster-bamster]

Please remove the name of the employer from your post as it is too personally identifying, even though the company is big.

Do you have a doctor or therapist?

[Danininja]

It's only been a few months since the break up...I'd say wait another 4 months and you might start to feel a little better....as far as contacting her again...I don't think that's a good idea...I did that with my ex fiance (who was also a lazy, uneducated stoner)...even up to 7 months after breaking up...I drunk dialed told him I wanted him back and he told me no, and it broke my heart all over again...since than I've had no contact with him....I haven't thrown anything that reminds me of him away...but I hid it away from sight...since the NC (no contact) started, I've been feeling more and more like I've released the reigns on that one. There's also a website that kinda helped me called Baggage Reclaim....it's about mending your broken heart after someone unworthy (and if they did break up with you...than they are the ones not worth it) broke up with you...lol I mean it helped, but not 100%...but it wouldn't hurt to check out...
I give you props for not letting the breakup send you in to a spiral that could potentially cost you your dream job.
I think that's actually really cool that you wanted to help 10 people before posting your story...but if you could find the advise people need than use some of that advise for your own predicament.
Once you find "the one" and lose them, it hurts....a lot....than others will come along and some might be able to actually take your mind off that person, and others just won't add up to the greatness that was "the one"...but I guess it kinda helps to one day face reality and say to yourself, "She's not coming back and I'm better off without." than remind yourself of all the ways why you are better off without...I mean not like a list of negatives about her....but actually sit there and think of all the hurtful things she has said and done to you...anger is better than sadness when it comes to having your heart broken...lol...at least in my opinion.

Originally Posted by jer77od

Everything that I used to love has become .. obsolete now. I find joy in nothing but getting as high and drunk as I can possibly get.

You're hurting and you sound like you're thoroughly depressed. But you know what? These are things that we all go through when we get our hearts broken and you're not alone. Good news is, is that time pretty much always heals, even if we will never understand the reasons why things ended.

You've hinted at a past too. Perhaps a little bit of therapy could help you? Sometimes it can help so much. Try and make peace with your past, so it doesn't screw up with the present, and perhaps with your next relationship, things will go much better. Oh, and it may be healthier option than drinking and drugs. Am all for a good drunken session when a person breaks up with someone, but its not good to keep getting drunk. You're not dealing with anything when you are in this state, and I think you may be putting off the inevitable, as well as in danger of becoming dependent.

I really wish you the best, and good luck Mr Gadget Man! Hugs

[jer77od]

I do not have a therapist of any sorts. I've probably been through 20 of those when I was a kid. I just feel I'm too smart to be told what is wrong with me at the price they want to charge. Not to sound cocky. I should really consider finding me one tho.

I probably will feel better after a few months. You are probably right about contacting her again. I've put away almost everything of hers as well. Just not the teddy bear. If you saw this thing you would feel the same way. lol It's just so dammmmm adorable. You are right. But how does the kindest person leave such a negative footprint? It's hard to believe. I'll check out that website. I still think this is doing a fine job tho. I mean... how often do you meet someone that has been to Willcox and lives in Sierra Vista?? Lol I've seen everything. I'm ready to die now. haha just kidding.
I wouldn't let anything get in the way of my job. Well I just lied. Alcohol has but I never drink on days I work. I would love to tho. lol Work now is always my #1 priority and I hope to work myself into the ground and up in the ranking system while I sit back and wear my mask of sanity, climbing the ladder.
About helping ppl too, I've always been much more of a giver, then a receiver. Especially to those people I care about. I would give the world up to make someone happy at my own demise. And I usually do.
I have noticed over the years that my ex's seem to get better and better. Something tells me my next one is going to be great because I've been looking out for all those warning signals I see in woman. Every ex was another lesson learned. Kind of like a game. But I can't go around comparing everyone to the last. They are all so different. Which is great.
I couldn't agree with you more. I've always told myself that hatred was a better coping mechanism then depression. And now I'm one of the meanest people I know because of it. Lol. Kind of screwed myself there. I'm working on it. I'll work backwards when I find someone worth my time. Thanks for responding by the way.

Yeah, I guess you could say I'm depressed. But this is the third heartbreak and I'm getting rather sick of the emotional anguish. There's like a void the size of an anvil weighing down my heart causing me to grow more and more emotionless. Kind of like a psychotic patient of emotional abuse. I know I'm not the only one that deals with this but I feel I'm the only one with my mountain of disorders making this a thousand times worse to deal with. You are right. time does heal. I've dealt with this b4 I know what to expect. usually I sleep and drink just long enough until I hate the other person and could care less about them.
Yeah my passed was not pretty. But I just don't think a therapist would do me any good. But who am I to judge? My passed actually did mess up that relationship. I want to say I regret it. But I don't want a life of regret anymore. I actually prefer to remain unsober tho. Not only do you forget but eventually it's as if it never happened.

Thanks all 3 of you. I talk a lot, I know. lol Some call it a problem, I call it a gift. I hope I'm not being self-defeating here. I really am being thankful and taking into grave consideration.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by jer77od

Or is it? This is my first time asking for help. I wanted to help 10+ people before I started bxtching about my life.

OK, so you clearly prefer quantifiable, measurable goals. Then I think you need to make several lists:

1) List and rank the things you do to cope, in terms of the value/relief that they provide.

2) List and rank the danger/harm of those things. Harm to health, risk to employment, etc.

3) List and rank 5 material possessions that you do not have but wish you did. You apparently have everything that plugs into the wall, so maybe start with wireless devices.

Post your lists and we will take a look at what can be done without a therapist, as a problem-solving exercise.

[Danininja]

It sounds like you're rather optimistic about moving on, which is great! I don't know if it helps...but if you check out my thread: 5 years roller coaster...or whatever I titled it...I have a little paragraph that I wrote the week my ex and I split...I was feeling sooooo much despair....but I feel a million times better than that now....when I wrote that I was ready to do anything it took to make the pain just disappear...as I mentioned to you before I got bad into coke and xanax and everything...but I would have been much happier to just have died in my sleep...I know that sounds so morbidly sad....But even though I still have that place in me that misses him, I'm far from those feelings when it comes to him anymore.

[jer77od]

1) I try a lot of coping strategies from replacement to hatred. I oversleep, never sleep, overeat, never eat, project my feelings in wrong ways. I break as many hearts as I possibly can. Stare at the wall. Drinking, drugs. Work my butt off at work. Post long diatribes online. lol My entire life right now is a coping strategy. A weird, mixed up, spiraling, and confusing one at that. In order tho I'm going to have to say: Drink, work, sleep, repeat. For the most part. I get my spurts of "wtf did I do that for?"

2) BAD: Drinking, drugs, emotional projection, heartbreaking, cheating, overeat, never eat, lies, deceit, mind games... My coping strategies are rather unorthodox, aren't they? I feel the need to bring others down with me. What a jerk.

GOOD: Work, music, stare at the wall, talk online, chill with select few friends. (I need more of these. Probably my problem)

What a terrible list we've created.

3) I literally want nothing... Not a single material possession in the world would make me feel any different than I do now. I could actually do without a lot of what I already do own. All I need is my ipod and some headphones. ...and maybe a Lamboghini. jk

[jer77od]

I'm optimistic about everything, really. Some people find it annoying that I question everything.

I'll check out your post.

I have those feelings about someone. Well HAD, I should say. 2 years of psycho talk. But I actually tried to die. Tried to go out the pill way. Some A-hole called the cops on me and had me rushed to get my stomach pumped. Sometimes I wish that day would have went a lot different. I'm glad it didn't tho.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by jer77od

1) I try a lot of coping strategies from replacement to hatred. I oversleep, never sleep, overeat, never eat, project my feelings in wrong ways. I break as many hearts as I possibly can. Stare at the wall. Drinking, drugs. Work my butt off at work. Post long diatribes online. lol My entire life right now is a coping strategy. A weird, mixed up, spiraling, and confusing one at that. In order tho I'm going to have to say: Drink, work, sleep, repeat. For the most part. I get my spurts of "wtf did I do that for?"

2) BAD: Drinking, drugs, emotional projection, heartbreaking, cheating, overeat, never eat, lies, deceit, mind games... My coping strategies are rather unorthodox, aren't they? I feel the need to bring others down with me. What a jerk.

GOOD: Work, music, stare at the wall, talk online, chill with select few friends. (I need more of these. Probably my problem)

What a terrible list we've created.

3) I literally want nothing... Not a single material possession in the world would make me feel any different than I do now. I could actually do without a lot of what I already do own. All I need is my ipod and some headphones. ...and maybe a Lamboghini. jk

I would rank never sleeping as the top danger and work on eliminating that first.

[hamster-bamster]

Just take very small steps. Baby steps. Reachable goals. Eliminate sleep deprivation and then revisit the list.

[Danininja]

Another site that might help take your mind off things is imgur: the simple image sharer but be careful...I believe it is known as the number one source of procrastination.

[Danininja]

http://http://imgur.com/gallery/Pmb0Y

[jer77od]

Well the only way to combat sleep deprivation is to take pills for me. Which knock me out for so long. I don't wanna sleep all my days away. Plus those pills give me that weird "RLS" stuff u c on TV. Working graveyard too really messes with u. What do u think? Pills?

I actually find myself surfing "stumbleupon" for hours and hours on end. Almost like an unhealthy habit. Recently tho I'm never on the computer or play video games anymore. I don't really do shxt. Lol I bought all these games recently and they r all still sitting around brand new.

[hamster-bamster]

You might have a sleep disease caused by working graveyard shift. You will need to take Nuvigil or Provigil in the AM (both FDA-approved for this disease, whose name I do not remember). So yes, sleep medicine at night and Nuvigil/Provigil in the morning.

What are you taking that gives you RLS? There are lots of sleep medicines to try.

[jer77od]

Every sleep aid I've ever tried gave me RLS which kept me awake while tired unless I took like 8 pills. I'll look into those meds also.

[hamster-bamster]

The best thing I have found is Elavil. I take 20 mg. It causes no side effects (in the first week, there is morning hangover, but it then disappears). I do not think that it can cause RLS because it is a tricyclic AD (very old, so cheap, although with your insurance you do not care). It is not an AP. So it is worth a try.

[hamster-bamster]

Also, very low dose of cannabis works very well for me.

Medical Marijuana Info for Arizona | Medical Marijuana of AZ - medicinal Cannabis in your state.

10 mg to 25 mg THC capsules - try those. I have never heard of anybody getting RLS from marijuana. And marijuana has been used for millennia, so we would have known about RLS by now, I believe.

I sometimes combine marijuana with elavil because they are synergetic (they fortify each other). Try 10 mg Elavil (the lowest dose of Elavil) combined with 10 mg THC capsules (likewise, the lowest dose of THC).

I hope it helps.

[jer77od]

U know a lot about pills. I used to be on a wide variety of pills. From antipsychs, antidepressants, to sleep aids. I hated how they made me feel. It was literally like numbing my pain away for that day. I didn't even talk, or eat. I've shyed away from pills since then because I felt like a zombie b4 I started abusing the pills. I then stopped taking everything all at once. I wish I could just sit back and smoke weed all the time. The right amount would put the world at ease. But I'm not allowed to smoke given my job. I did on accident the other day. Ah, it was wonderful. Usually I get nervous and paranoid, but not that time.

[jer77od]

I couldn't legally get THC, anyhow.

[hamster-bamster]

What about medicinal?

Elavil at that low dose acts as a muscle relaxant, not a psychiatric drug. So you won)t feel any side effects you felt before.