Mother will not speak to me

Ys I agree I can't make him do anything. It's just really hurtful that I have so much understanding because of how much I care for him about his past life. Yes it is true that I knew going into this marriage years ago that his kids came with him. You have to understand that I had them when they were five and 9. My husband was divorced for four years before I even met him. The children were great, yes there were some small issues I observed with them and their dad but nothing out of the norm. Since we got married their mother has poisoned them against us. She basically tells them to do bad things things while they spend time with us so that my husband and I argue. When I found out about that years ago, I knew it was going to be a difficult lifestyle for us because they are very close with their mom. Their mom hates my husband so much that she has told the children lies about him so that they resent him even more. Then she started telling lies about me, when in reality I have never said one word to her. I don't know her, and I thought it would be better for the children going into this that everything should be handled by my husband with the ex so that the kids have a healthy relationship with me.
Unfortunately, as time went on, things got worse. Sure, I spent time researching how to deal with these issues and help the children nothing seemed to work. No matter what I planned for the children or what I did seemed to help. I have taken care of those children as if they were my own. Stayed up late with them while they were sick, took them to the doctor, handled their teachers, had them participate in school functions, you name it i did it because I wanted to give them a normal life with their dad and us. But they still hate us. They are now almost 17 and 13. The things they have done and lied about really hurts. The older son told me flat out when he was 10 that he would go in front of the judge and lie and say my husband hits him so he could live with his mom and that his mom will tell him what else to say to the judge. I almost freaked out then. I remained calm and took a few breaths and then told him that if he ever wanted to live with his mom full time the is no need to lie , and that I'm sure we all could work something out. I then went into my closet and screamed in a towel.
Oh please I can tell you so much of what has gone on. I don't like the children walking on us and treating us badly. They only come to us for money or if they need new clothes shoes, whatever. When they come in our house they stay in their rooms and don't say a word to us. I call them in for meals and they don't say anything. When they come home from school they don't say hello they just go in their rooms. I have tried countless times to talk to them, and I get blank stares. If my two children ever disrespected us or anyone else for that matter they would be told that its unacceptable. My husband agrees its horrible but doesn't say anything to them. Just a few weeks ago the 13 year old put a hole in our bathroom wall and my husband didn't do a thing. I couldn't believe it.
The children think its funny if I see them out driving with their mom to give me the middle finger. That was done more than once to me.
The mother is crazy as well. She has called up and left horrible messages about me and have harassed us left and right. She has told my husband that she puts the old clothes on the kids when they come to us because she knows we will throw them out and snd them back to her with new clothes. I mean who does this? She had another child with her 15 year younger boyfriend several years ago. I thought things would be better but there not.
I could write a book. Anyway, that is a whole other part of my life. It's just hard to deal with and I feel that my husband should have the same compassion for me as I do for him. I have a lot of understanding and I wish he had the same for me. Yes I couldn't agree more that my mother is also at fault but I never would have done that to his mother. It's very painful to me. Yes I can go alone however, I feel that we all need to work things out. It is my only wish. I have never asked for anything going into this marriage nor have I ever made demands. I have been unhealthy for a while and I am scared that th eis. Chance I don't make it through this birth. I just want peace before I have the baby. I want to feel at peace. This is all I ask. What is so wrong with that?

Wow, I feel and understand your pain. I have had mother issues all my life with somewhat similar father responses. I have a different prospective for you though as I now have daughter issues also. Oddly enough it is the issues with my daughter that prompts my reply. I want to encourage you to go alone and try to regain what you had between you and your mother. We want nothing to do with our daughter's husband, he is dishonest, disrespectful, and ungrateful as is she because he has complete control of her. It hurts my heart so much to see her behave as if she doesn't have a mind of her own. Yes, they are both very young and very immature. She will not see or speak to us if he cannot be with her. As with all of us it is a long and complicated story but what I want to express to you is how desperately I wish my daughter at least wanted a relationship with us and was strong enough to do that on her own. The relationship you had with your mother certainly could use improvement which, of course, will never happen if you're not speaking, but if you have the courage and strength to go to her, hopefully you could start down that path to a better understanding of each other. It without a doubt will take a considerable amount of time but if you got back together with her, it would open the door for your children to see her again and, if you just let them stew about it each on their own, one day maybe she and your husband will at least be able to be civil to each other again. I would hope that if your husband truly wants you to be happy he would have no problem with you and your children having a relationship with you parents. For your part don't force him into it or give a blow by blow of every visit. The same with your mother, she needs to let you have your family and does not need to hear reports on every move your husband makes. I don't know, I just thought I might give you another view of the situation. I wish you the best and keep taking care of yourself and your baby physically. Good luck.

I don't know what to say. It's a horrible situation, everything is. Huge resentment on your behalf with you life, kids, husband and mum. Mentioned numerous times before, therapy would help you out so very much.

If you want to get peace with your mum, then go. You do not need your husband there, you really do not. You talked before about wanting to be stronger, then let this be your big first step.
And no, there is nothing wrong with wanting peace, it's time to do things for you, and not worry about anyone else - that includes doing less for you husband and his children if it helps you let go with some of the resentment and be a little happier. This is what I mean by actions - it's lovely that you do all these things for your husband/his children, but without his support to put things right (and his role as the father) then you need to start putting your foot down and insist he does it or refuse to have them until he does. And stop doing things like the clothes - buy new ones to wear while they are with you, and send them back to mum in the old ones. Stop playing into the mum's hands and hopefully it will stop - if not, at least it will stop being so upsetting to you because you're not giving her the satisfaction. Oh, and I would keep a note of all the abuse she has left for you and harassment in a book - you may need it one day.

The thing is, we can get upset so very much about other people's actions, but it's important to know that if reason, caring or kindness does not change the way they keep walking over you, then there is only you and your own actions left. Getting more confident, getting fairer about the way you are treated - if demanding doesn't work, then withdraw some of the kindness you keep showing. Be tougher. OK, it sounds tit-for-tat, but without you putting the effort and emotional effort in, you'll start to feel less resentment and things will wash over you a bit more because you're less emotionally invested. And who knows, it may make other people finally see where you are coming from and improve their behaviour towards you. If things do not improve at all at home, and you are never happy, then perhaps there will be a time for a rethink.

We really can only do our best to make sure our own happiness is there. It's unhealthy and wrong to keep putting other people's happiness before our own, esp if it creates resentment.

I agree with riot (I usually do ) Do less for others and more for yourself. Balance is important

It's obviously very important that you try and patch things up with your mom. Do that, do it for you, and leave hubby out of the equation. If him and your mum ever fixed things, it will be in their time on their terms.

I guess I'm just scared. I really am. As the time comes closer to having this baby and I think about everything I have been through with this new little person I'm just scared that there will be complications. For the past several weeks all I have been feeling is anxiety and just wanting peace. I just want to be able to have my husband and my parents support.
I have never treated anyone this way before. I feel guilty. My mother has a lot of control over me. I know this has to stop. My husband says that he has never stopped me from seeing her or speaking to her but he absolutely refuses to have anything to do with her. I mean for heavens sake it was just an argument. Yes it was ugly but can't they both act like grown ups and move on? I'm not even saying that things will be better if we went over to her and talked but at least I know I hav tried.
I feel so weak to make the attempt by myself. I just wanted his support. I have a lot of issues because I still have pain that my mother doesn't care enough to make an effort on her own for me. It's always me. I just thought I could be the bigger person and talk things out. I don't know how that will go because that has never happened between any of us in my family.
This s not how I thought my life was going to end up. I have so much pain, resentment , and fear inside.
I know I need someone to talk to, but I can't do it now. I pray I make it through with this baby and get better and hopefully then can find someone to go to.
My heart hurts it really does. I be know what people mean when they say they feel like they have a broken heart. I just really feel alone.

Thank you, I appreciate your advice and I'm sorry that you are dealing with these types of issues. I sincerely am. I know what it's like to feel trapped and controlled and the one thing I always wanted is support from my family. Not a lecture of how can I allow someone to take my identity away, just someone there to say I love you and it's going to be ok. I think if I had that I wouldn't have been so damn stubborn to not see clearly what was going on. This was when I was very young. I just thought it was my mom not letting me have what I thought at the time was happiness. Good grief if I could go back in time. Funny thing is, for me once things became easier I started to see the big picture and I ultimately moved on and it felt good regaining my independence. It is hard because my family does not know how to communicate, I am slowly learning how to now. It sounds ridiculous but in my family especially when I was little if my mom stopped talking to her sisters and mother for whatever stupid reason, when they finally got back together years later they acted like everything was fine. They never talked about why they stopped talking to begin with, I never understood that. But I learned that way of behavior. I feel it just brings so much resentment and built up anger about unresolved things. Not healthy. The thing is I know if my mom came to me I would break down and cry and just hug her. I would want to crawl on the couch with her and lay on her and just not say a word. It's really sad isn't it. At my age all I want is my mother. All the hurt and pain I have from the past I would forget just so I could be that child again. Oh god, I'm just a mess of emotions.
I am too weak. I have always been. She knows this too. How could she leave me when I need her? I mean she knows how sick I have been, and its like she doesn't care. My dad, who has been decent doesn't even call. I have to go to him. It's always been that way though. I just would like some peace. I feel this baby deserves it too.

So I had a big blow out with my husband today. It started out that he was upset I spent money on a pair of sneakers for my son. He said its ridiculous. I bought my son sneakers for the start of the school year because I know it will be crazy in a few weeks and I thought it was easier for us. They are a pair of air Jordan's, but I found them at a great price on amazon. My husband flipped out and said that he told me he doesn't want me to spend money on a big name shoe, that he thinks its crazy you pay money for the name. He said then its not about the money it's the principle that he had told me in the past no more "name" shoes. Oh but I could get him Nike shocks. Makes no sense.
Then he said that he would send them back or cancel the order. That he was going to tell my son. I started to get emotional which I usually never do in front of him, but the past few days have been hard with dealing with so much and having tension between us because of my mom. I said please don't be cruel. It's a pair of sneakers. He said I was being sneaky about it. I said your crazy. You would have seen him wearing the shoes to begin with and I told you that I bought him shoes for school. Then this led into a fight about my mom and how he absolutely will never see that woman again and how if I want to I can go but he won't. I then brought up how unfair he is with me. That I just go along its whatever he wants or needs. I mean, he bought a brand new tv, ok it was a good price, but he just brought it home and set it up on Father's Day. Said it was his gift, even though I bought him a watch. Anyway, it was ok, I know it made him happy and he does need some happiness, since lately things have been so stressful. But I never complain. I told him its unfair that I have to put up with his ex wife and children. He then goes into the whole he has no control over those things. I said its ok because I care for you and we can work on these things but can't you have feelings for me and see that this is important and help me? He just won't budge. So that was that. He then decided he was going to go into work. He's been gone all day and he is still not back. It is almost 7 pm, here. What a nice way to spend a Sunday. Again, its ok because I know he needs time to catch up with work, but he doesn't care enough to fix our issues. I trid calling him and he blew up at me, then hung up. I sent him a message saying that I wanted to talk things out and we need to be healthy together. It's no use he hasn't reesponded. So I got up enough strength and took my kids to the deli for lunch then came home and played games with them. My son thinks my husband hates him. It's really sad how my husband can be so selfish sometimes. It hurts because my husband can be so giving and caring especially to the children, but when he gets upset he just shuts down. He probably will come home later and not say a word to me. This is how he behaves. A 42 year old man. And he calls my mother ridiculous.
I think they are both being childish and quite frankly morons. I have a mother who doesn't care enough to call me even when she knows my husband won't be home and a husband who shows no support because of his stubborn ways.
Maybe it's the hormones talking now. I don't know. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and it hasn't stopped so I can get off yet.

Sneakers, where my boys are concerned, is where the name brand comes into play for me. I rationalize it, like this, I don't have daughters. I spend the money on the shoes, that end up lasting the entire school year.

And honestly, yes, I worry about the social factor. If you got a good deal, you got a good deal. Are brand name shoes, something your husband has a not so good childhood memory from? My exh grew up really poor, family of 11, but subscribes to the notion of the shoes with his sons.

They are mainly sweats and t-shirt kids, as it is. I can get away with some serious bargain hunting, where their clothes are concerned, and offset the price of sneakers.

I am getting into the realization, that my son has a friend, a couple friends, in fact whose mom's buy them the newest name brand sporting clothing apparel, not necessarily the team jerseys(which if can last longer, provided there are no trades, if there's a name and number on them--lucked out this year)

Just really sorry to read that you and your h are arguing and you are still going through all this with your mom!! And aren't you, also expecting? ((if I forgot, please forgive me, been going through much myself and there's room for confusion on an online forum, as to who is who ))

Maybe, he's stressed about the new little one's arrival? The fact that you were shopping around, using amazon, tells me, that you aren't the type to just run out and max that cc or anything, know what I mean? Could just be projecting my own style of spending here, because that's how I'd do it, sometimes.

Hang in there!!!

Thanks. It could be that my husband never had those types of sneakers. Actually I'm almost certain of it because his mother never would have spent money on the children like that, it would've gone to something for her instead. So that's a good point. But I mean, usually we never buy my son sneakers. Actually my mother was always the one to buy him sneakers for school. It was like a tradition every year she would take him and buy him sneakers and some clothes for the school year. They would have a fun day going to lunch and then coming home and showing me what they bought. So naturally that is not happening this year, I wanted to make sure I took care of it. Besides its just one less thing for me to worry about. I just feel like a prisoner when he does and says things to me like he did earlier.
I mean I found the sneakers at a good price, I didn't go to the expensive sneaker stores, I don't spend any money besides groceries. I would love to decorate my house the way I see some homes in magazines, but I don't. I don't go out and shop for myself hardly ever. i usually buy online for Christmas or birthdays. I mean I know my husband knows this, but I guess he just fights for principle. It makes me sick.
Yes I'm expecting. I also would like to buy some things for the baby but its like now I feel like I need to ask permission. I know he's truly not like that but he is making me feel this way. I don't know how to deal with his moods. It is now almost 8 pm and still no word from him.

Sounds like your husband is really angry and hurt by your mother's lack of following through on her yearly tradition with his(and your) son and instead of directing the anger in the most appropriate direction(your mom), he's taking it out on you!

It's not fair, and puts a ton of extra stress on you, his expecting wife!

One expression, that could help, when your husband is in a more calm and stable mood,

When you mentioned dismay over the sneakers(can even use word for word what he said), it seemed like you were angry. I can appreciate that, because it hurts me too, that my mom isn't helping us out this year. I would appreciate a little less backlash for my purchasing decisions, this is also a hard time on me, too. I am pregnant, and the less stress on me the better.

If you do, berate me, over these purchase choices again, I will need to walk into the other room, or outside in order to ensure that I don't get overstressed. Then, when I come back into the room, we can discuss, just how we will budget this new expense on our budget. I do love you, and respect the stress you are also experiencing. ((or that last line, could be the opening to the conversation??))

Funny thing is, my husband would get mad when she would buy him the sneakers or clothes or whatever. He would say, does your mother think I can't buy for my own son? There would be an argument and I would tell him that its something she likes to do with him what's the big deal?
Even for our daughter if my mom was out shopping, sometimes she would pick up a pretty dress or outfit for her and my husband would say to me we don't need your mother to buy things for our children. So when my mom would do it I would have to hide what she bought and pretend if he ever asked that I bought it. It sounds ridiculous I know.
I'm not sure what's going on in my life anymore. I feel more alone now then ever before. It's like I don't even have a husband. We don't talk, or communicate. I've been so depressed and I hate this feeling. I have no one so I'm always all by myself. I just sit and think all day long. Yesterday he didn't come home until 9. He didn't say a word either. Before I went to bed I said to him, so, is this the way it's going to be, your going to ignore me and pretend I don't exist? He said, I'm not doing anything, I'm just sitting here. I have nothing to talk about.
I had no fight left in me, I just said, ok. Then I said you know this is not easy, and I don't like living this way, just as I'm sure you don't either. We need to be healthy together. He just sat there watching TV. I said, its like talking to a wall. I then went to bed.
What a life, right? It's getting worse and worse. I feel like I've fallen into a trap. My mother doesn't care enough to put her pride aside and talk to me, and my husband is once again acting like a big child. So what do I do now? I don't have any friends. It's like I've turned around and said what has become of me? I don't even have a dog anymore because my husband thought he shed too much. Ok he did, but I was always vacuuming and sweeping twice a day or more.i kept up with it. So my mom took him last year. At least I was able to see him when I would go to her house. These are the times I wish he was here. He never left my side. It's funny to think that dog can be more of a friend then my own husband.

I get the feeling alone in the marriage. And I've been in a position, where my mother and I weren't talking. Both her husband and my husband didn't like one another. And, she wasn't being the greatest of mom's to me, at the time, either.

That's when I pulled back. Not only struggling in marriage, but with my mom. Was a stay at home mom, at the time, and only a couple years into a new town, surrounded by people I didn't know.

I delved into a ton of self-help, that summer. Went to therapy. And reached out for on-line support, one that specifically geared towards my marital woes and how to better communicate with him. I learned I couldn't effectively communicate without getting to the root of my own trigger issues.

Mom and I were in the middle of this rift, a rift where a lot of not so nice things were floating around from both sides of the table. So even, when she called to break the news, it took me a while to get out of denial enough to even believe a word she was telling me.

Anyways, I was fortunate enough to have a Phd for a therapist, at the time. Working out the apron string issue in therapy, I was then able to assert myself better in the marriage and more effectively communicate with my husband.

He and I ended up moving to the location I currently reside. I decided that I needed to get myself into the community. I could not count on him for friendship. Not at that time. I told him, that going back to church, was important to me. Getting a part time job, that was afternoons and evenings was important to me. And through church, I found a volunteer opportunity. And I was making new friends. ((not saying church is the answer, it was the getting out and doing for me, what needed to be done for me that is the moral of this point))

I realized, through this volunteer opportunity. I am CORI material, meaning, I pass a background check. When I needed a new job, I was able to look into town employment. Two jobs were open for application. One was for a clerical position--more hours, sure, but daycare was a factor, the other was more labor intensive. In this labor intensive one, I found myself surrounded by women, with various life backgrounds, various personalities and it just was such a boost to my self esteem. And it's mother's hours. Some of these women, have become personal friends of mine. I have numbers to call, to set up times to go for lunch, hang out, etc.

It's hard to find other mom's to just hang out with. We all have busy schedules, different types of home life situations to deal with, etc. On-line can be fine up to a point.

Making new friends is daunting. Wishing that things between the mother daughter relationship were better, it's difficult, to let go of that dream. And being stuck in a home, with a man who just isn't meeting that need for emotional safety and security, someone who just isn't being a best friend...stinks!!!

I would love to get involved with something, anything reall. One time I suggested getting involved with church, but he said something like, you don't have time for the things you do now how can you have time for that? So I gave up on that idea. Plus, my husband absolutely refuses to go to church anymore. The last time I think my husband went was for our daughters baptism four years ago. I need to get strength so I can just take my kids b myself. M not saying he doesn't have faith because he doesn't go but sometimes I think our life seemed better when we went. I needed it I guess. I went to catholic school as a child, and when I got older I stopped attending church even my parents did. When I met my husband I knew we were to be married in church so we started going every week. We did this also for the children, I thought it was good for them. Now he just won even budge. So we don't go.
I want so badly to get a therapist. At first I wanted one for the two of us to go.i thought it would be healthy for us. My husband said no. The kicker is, he actually went with his ex wife years ago. I felt horrible when he told me he did it with her. I mean why wouldn't he want t put effort into us? He said that its because it didn't help and that it made things worse. Whatever. So now because of all these issues in my dysfunctional life I told him I would go for myself. He didn't seem to mind that. He just kind of laughe and said ok but you realize your going to put this therapist to sleep with everything you have to say. Everything is like a big joke with him. So I'm hoping that I will be able to go in a few months.
I woke up this morning and he didn't say anything. I'm not going to get sucked in to his bs anymore. I'll just got about what I have to do and that's it.

You know I sat here, and I started to write an email to him. I decided not to send it because I won't ever get a response back from him and I don't think i want to be shot down again. But I started to say things like " I just would like for one time you give me a hug or just say, you know , I understand your dealing with a lot, and I know it's not easy, but I'm here for you and I'm so sorry that all of this has happened, but I hope I can help you take away some pain and help you get through this" just once would I love for him to say this or something like it. At least I would feel that he cares for me and wants to be my friend. I know I should expect things from people, but it would be nice to have someone on my side for once. Not once while I go through tests or bloodwork or wait for results did he ever say, it's going to be ok. Lie to me to make me feel somewhat hopeful, I wouldn't mind. But when I would say to him, I'm so scared, I'm just so scared about the baby, or I'm scared this test will be positive or that one will be, he just said, relax your crazy, it's fine. I know I can't fault him for not being a bit warmer towards me, because his mom is a cold fish. But it would've been nice for him to not make fun of me everything I stressed about things, or if I read something online about my conditions, he would say he was going to turn off the Internet because I'm reading crap and its only making me feel worse. I like how he tries to find humor in some situations but sometimes you have to be serious. I started telling him that I'm writing letters to my children in the event things don't go as Planned with this baby. I started writing a letter to my son and in it I also included a letter if someday he gets married ...all of that. Then i will write one for my daughter, and another one for this baby. i I just want to make sure my children know how important they are to me. I told him this and he thought it was ridiculous. If this makes me happy and I feel at peace then why make fun of it? I'm also thinking of writing a letter to my parents and even my husband but right now I want to make sure I remember everything of what I want to say to my children on paper. It's very hard actually doing this. I thought it would be easier.
So I wrote out this email to him and I poured out my feelings, but then I quickly deleted it.
I know I'm just going on and on lately ranting here, I am sorry. I just feel like I have no other outlet. It really helps me when I read responses because I truly listen to the advice and try and put it towards good use. I don't feel that alone then.

As far as I'm concerned I think it is helpful for you to be able to go on and on as you put it. To me this feels like a safe place to do that. I do it in my head around the clock but it gets me nowhere because I'm the only one who hears it. There is no one in my life who cares about how I feel but I can see understanding and compassion from so many here. You can tell that people are interested and care by the number of responses you are getting. Please don't stop letting us know how you are getting along.
I think it is wonderful you are writing the letters. I keep trying to do that myself but I can't seem to get things out right even by writing. Wouldn't it be nice if you added to them every few years or so as your children grow. Keep well and keep posting.

That is the most beautiful thing, any mother could do for their child!! My grandmother, wrote a note to each one of my sons. It is in a sealed envelope, and I placed each note, in each one of their baby books. In each book, is a loving note from me to them, after they were born. Similar, yet different.

It is good to recognize that you have a need from your husband, that isn't being met.

This is a safe place to get supportive feedback, keep it coming, as you feel the need to.

By the way, I went to church, alone. Just alone. It was about me. I don't get there, much now. Something happens, in my community, with us parents of children involved in sports, but they get that, I get that, and that's between myself and you know who I contribute, in little ways--- 1/5 of my town goes there.....

Yes I feel this is a safe place for me to talk about my feelings and thoughts. Have been very lucky that I found a place like this where there are people like you who actually read what I have to say and help me. . I too, feel there isn't anyone who cares about what I feel. It's amazing to me that I have gotten responses from so many lovely people, people I don't even know. It's quite touching and I'm very humbled. I feel like I have gotten better since posting what goes on in my life. I never had that before. It's like a relief for me.
I think the idea of continuing the letters god willing is great. I will hopefully do that. I have been having a hard time writing them but for me I think no matter what my children will like having them.

That is lovely that your grandmother wrote notes to your children. I would have loved something like that. All of my grandparents are gone now. I was especially close with my moms mother when I was younger. I would have liked to have something like that from her.
My husband is still being a child. Yesterday the sneakers came for my son. He picked up the package by the front door and threw it on the kitchen table where I was sitting. So naturally I thought he was in his stupid way saying here, I'm upset you bought them but I'm not going to send them back. So I gave them to my son, who was thrilled. Later on my husband asked me where the sneakers were, I said that our son already put them away in his room. Then he says , why? I didn't even respond. It's better I don't even look his way right now. I am so sick today. Last night was horrible. I was up more than half the night.
I think I've gotten to the point where I am so sick and tired of putting up with his nonsense. Even small things that I've done for years, like pick up after him. For goodness sake, he's a grown man. He drops his dirty clothes on the floor instead of the hamper which is in his closet mind you, and it stays there until I pick it up. Of course I do it because I can't stand things like that, but really? He can't even put his cereal bowl in the dishwasher. He just puts it in the sink. If I don't clean up after him things become a mess because he doesn't do it.
I can go on and on. He will take a snack and sit on the couch leaving crumbs everywhere then whatever is left he will just leave on the coffee table. I mean c'mon? And he complained about my dog?
I'm just disgusted, and I guess everything is bothering me. I know no one is perfect, because I have faults just like everyone else. But I never thought I would be picking up after a grown man besides my children.
So it's a new day and I am just not paying any attention to him. The kicker is, I know he likes it this way. He hates it when I "argue" with him, when in reality I'm trying to talk things out. He can't stand it. It's like he doesn't want to deal with anything important with us.
So now, I have lost my mother, and I have lost my husband. Maybe this is a test. Maybe this will allow me to become stronger. I'm trying to see positive in everything. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I refuse to cow down to him.

Hi baker007, I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing. Hope you're feeling well and tensions are easing. Take care

Thanks for asking. Means a lot. I guess I'm feeling alright. Just been exhausted, but i guess thats to be expected. Things are pretty much the same around here. My husband has been talking to me but nothing of importance. Just the usual day to day things.
I just go day to day and do what I have to do.
My dad surprisingly asked my son to go to a baseball game with him this weekend. Well actually I think it was the other way around, but my dad actually got the tickets. He even asked if my husband would go, but unfortunately he can't make it. I was so happy that my dad is making an effort for my son. Still nothing new with my mom. She is just going about her life as well.
I told my dad that my son could spend the night at his house after the game so I'm sure my mother will be thrilled to see him. Who knows...
I just want my kids happy. I know my son is really looking forward to it. It's all he has been talking about.
My daughter would love to see my mother too. It's really sad. The other day my daughter saw my dad and asked if she could speak to her grandma, so my dad immediately called her and put my daughter on the phone. Of course my mother was happy but this whole situation makes me depressed. I don't understand how my mother could be so cold and just stop seeing us the way she did. Over a stupid, petty argument. It makes no sense. I just have resentment in me that won't go away. She would never do this to my brother. But the more I think about her and everything that has been going on, I miss her dearly. It's this control she has over me. Why doesn't she care enough for the people that have always been there for her like me and my family? Why doesn't she care enough to put her pride aside and say hey, this is my daughter, these are my grandchildren, I am lucky to have this time to be around them so much, so lets move past this. But no, she is stubborn and just won't do it.
She didn't care about this pregnancy and she didn't care about all the medical issues I have.
I just feel so conflicted. Thank you again for asking about me. How are you?

I am very fortunate, to have my grandmother in my life I am the oldest grandchild in my mom's family, and my grandmother has always said that I came into her life, as she started menopause, small blessings in disguise!

I will say, there is something about bring a third child into one's life. Perspective really begins to change! I don't quite know how to articulate it, but it happened to me too. Raising 3 or more is life changing, to say the least. Symbolically, you no longer can hold all your children's hands at once You can sit two to a lap, but not three.

"maybe.' you say, 'this will allow [you] to become stronger." Oh Yes, it will!!

So I'm going through some problems with my husband now. I really don't know how to handle it. I have been crying all day. I feel so alone. Of course my husband still wants nothing to do with my mother. I have had no one to talk to bout it for o long. Lately I've been emailing my cousin, who my husband doesn't care for. I've told her everything that has happened and even my frustrating feelings towards my husband. Today my husband read my emails because somehow I left them open.
Anyway he didn't tell me at first but I knew something was bothering him. I kept asking until finally he jumped own my throat and said you've been complaint to your cousin about me? You have been trashing me to her?
I stayed calm, and just said, no I haven't been trashing you, I adore you. All I did was tell her what's going on, and how I feel. He was being so sarcastic. Ind you this was all on the way to the food store. Even inside the store. Then he basically told me my mother could rot and he never wants to see her again. I mean this is getting ridiculous. The pain I am in mentally is so exhausting. I'm constantly hurting. Then we left the store buying nothing. I tried talking to him on the way home, spilling my feelings especially about what I've endured with his ex wife and children. I said, you should put yourself in my shoes for once. He doesn't care at all.
I am so alone. When we were home I tried talking to him and just said, we need to talk about things. He refuses to, he just says there's nothing o talk about. I don't know what to do anymore. Things feel broken. It's like he has no compassion for me or this unborn baby. I'm just so tired of not knowing what to do, or walking on eggshells to not set him off.
I should mention that on Friday I spoke to my mother for the first time, it was only a few minutes but she told me that she prayed for me and this baby everyday. That she misses me and loves me. She was crying. I hung up and cued my eyes out as well. I don't know if we will talk again, or if we do how things will be. But I was happy with myself that I found courage inside of me for once. I'm always the one following, or the one who runs after everything because I'm so weak. For once I didn't feel that way.it was a release. The feeling was indescribable. I felt great the rest of the day. I told my husband and I thought he would have been happy for me. He just basically said, that's good. I thought maybe we could go and talk to her since she seemed like she was in the mood to do it, but he refused. I didn't push the issue, but today it really hurt when he knew how much it would mean to me to fix this family problem and he adamantly said no.
I feel like he doesn't care enough to give me a hug if he sees how distraught I am. Tonight I was a mess. All I wanted was for him to say, I'm here, and its ok. But again, nothing. I'm not asking for this man to change, I'm just asking for him to show some warmth towards me and us.
He used to be different. I fell in love with this man for so many reasons. Now it seems like he's a totally different person. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared about everything. I don't have that courage feeling anymore. I feel worthless again. I feel beaten and I feel like this time I can't get up. I'm lost again. I feel so out of control.

I'm still a wreck this morning. My husband is just not happy. I swear I think he hates me deep down. He told me he's hurt that I complained about him, that he is all alone in the world. He didn't want to hear what I ad to say. I know he had a troubled childhood, its quite sad actually. He talked to me for the first time yesterday morning about it. I felt a connection to him and I really felt for him. He has been through a lot. He has been angry for a few years. Maybe it's all related to his past. I'm not sure. But there are times when we can be so happy and other times we are miserable. Things have gotten worse between us since the argument with my mom.
He has no compassion for me with that situation. He said to me this morning that I would be happy if he kissed my *** and made up with my mother. I said you have it all wrong. I want us healthy, I want you happy. Yes, I want things back the way they were. I want my family back too, but we come first. It's no use. He is just stewing in his mind.
I am an absolute mess. I don't know how to handle my life. I really don't know how to handle my husband. I mean I don't know how to make things better. I feel so exhausted, so mentally exhausted. I don't know how to fix things. I just feel like everything is falling apart around me. He had the power to help ease my pain. I can't do it alone anymore.
I really don't know why he ever married me.

So I wrote him an email. I know I won't get a response but I'm glad I poured out my feelings. I apologized and told him that I'm sorry for anything that ever hurt him. I basically just let it all out. I tried to keep it short. I hope he feels better after reading it. The problem is he doesn't communicate well with me so ill ever know. I haven't heard from him at all today. The thing is I know he would kill me if he knew I was on this site. I'm so worried about it.

I really do recommend therapy for you. Am sorry that you've not really considered it yet. I understand the fear, but surely you can see this is just not the way to keep living? Please get some help.