Mother will not speak to me

Obsessive conversations or thoughts may stop, by themselves.
Or YOU stop them, realizing how bad they are making you feel.

Let me ask you something, baker: when you think that it is all somebody else's fault (your mom, your husband) are you letting out who you really are or what your Mum would say, think and do?

I guess you got yourself too tired, with the housework, yesterday and you could control less those repetitive, useless refrain: it's all somebody else's fault!! I'm just an innocent victim!!

Stop that! It takes you nowhere. You will let these thoughts out once you are with a therapist that would show what to do with thm and why you have them.

You know what Baker? You just spent the day caring for your family. You just got your self too tired and all the old patterns exploded.
Nothing really happened to make your day worse. You made it worse.

Do you really want to go on like this or better start thinking what a lucky mother you are, having 2 healthy children? and what a happy wife you are, with a husband taking care of the house income?
The way you wanna look at the world It's up to you, you choose it.

You made you own day, yesterday, cause nothing happened.
You chose to have a bad day.
Next time don't get yourself too tired, remember that you are not well and that a new baby is on the way and when those thoughts come sing aloud, force yourself to think about different things.
And you will change your day

Bonnie, there are so many times when I get upset or I say things that sound so much like what my mother would say. I have always tried to control it so its not as bad. Yesterday was a day to remember ill say. I just had so many evil things in my mind from the past. A lot of anger and resentment. It turned to me crying and feeling guilty that I haven't called her. That i am a bad person and i am hurting the ones i love the most. I have guilt that I'm sure my dad is feeling bad because he doesn't get to see us the way it used to be.
You are right, I always have to remember that I am blessed with my two children. How do I stop the thoughts about my mother? I mean as I just wrote that I thought, why doesn't my mother feel this way about me and her grandchildren?
Bonnie, I'm scared that I will never have contact with her again. I'm scared because I don't want my life this way. I'm scared that I am not a different person and that I could have controlled my relationship with her all this time. Maybe I could have prevented the argument she had with my husband.
For now, I will concentrate on my priorities and just try and be happy. It's just sometimes I do feel bad that I am going through so much with this little baby and I feel so alone. I feel that way for a little while and then I get over it and move on. But it enters my head and I feel so hurt that my mother isn't here with me. Maybe that makes me a baby. Who knows.

you know Baker, in a sense i think you should say good bye forever to something.

Part of your suffering is that you superimposed the mother you always wanted to the person that your mother really IS.
I want you to know that wanting a good mother is natural, that you deserved a good mother, probably someone much more like you.

But your real mother could never fulfill your dreams: she is a different person, no matter how hard you tried to pull her or to attach your lovely dreams to her figure.

You are suffering so much just because that little girl, long time ago, was too forlorn to think: all right these are the things i need from my mother but i am not getting them from this person. Let's turn somewhere else.
You were too young, not strong enough to think that.
So you continued to dream on a good mother looking at your mother: no way.
You know that, now.

So a first step out of suffering is dividing your real mother from the one you wanted, needed and deserved.
Take some paper. Write on the left part all the things you want(ed) from a good mother. All of them. Be precise. Don't let nothing out.
Then take some other paper (it's better if you don't read what's written on the left part, while writing the right part) and write what is your mother. All her applications of the idea of mother.
You better do this exercise 2 different days, so your mind is concentrating only on the wishes, for the left part, and on reality for the right part.

I hope you won't see your mother anymore with those hungry looks of expectations of things that would never come from the person you were born from. Not because it is her fault, your fault or my fault, but simply because she is a totally different person from your expectations.
You applied the magic thinking, like all babies: if i really want this with all my heart, my mum will became what i want.
No.

You must really separate your desires of a mother from the reality of your mother.
Once done that (again, help is needed and recommended to be supported in the process) you may look at the person you have called Mum for all of your life, but your eyes will not be burdened with all expectations that never came true. You would look at her, for what she really is. You will learn to have fun with her, where possible, stay away from her, when necessary. But for the first time in your life you will really look at your real mother and say "ah! that's who you are"

Bonnie, that is a classy, clever and excellent idea. Very good advice.

Please listen to this advice Baker, I think really it would be the first step to understanding what has happened and is still happening. I also think that you know some of this deep in your heart from all the anger you've felt while re-living some of the ways your mother has treated you in the past and that she has never been the mother you want. It is unlikely to change now, sorry to say.

Wish you luck and a peaceful future.

Today, when my daughter takes a nap I will do this exercise. Thank you for taking the time and trying to help me. I will let you know how I do.

((((Baker))))

I spent the last couple of weeks sick as a dog. I have to go to the blood lab today to check my antibodies, and hopefully things have gotten better. I feel much better but there seems to be always something. I have called this part of my life my health adventure. Now I have such pains that its so hard to get out of bed or even walk a few steps. I am in a better space now where I can laugh at myself and not feel sorry for myself. I just keep telling my mind that I can do this and I can get through all of this. It actually works for me.
Throughout all of this I have such dramatic vivid dreams, almost every night. Almost all have to do with my mom.
Last night I dreamed she was in a helicopter flying above me yelling at me. The night before I dreamt that she was by my side helping me and telling me she was sorry and I kept saying is this a dream? Please pinch me to make sure this is real. I woke up feeling so sad. Sad for everything. Another night I dreamt she passed on and I didn't have anymore chances to reconnect or make things right.
I feel like my mind is trying to tell me things but I just can't get the message.
I was at my high risk obgyn yesterday to check in the baby. They did a sonogram and one part was 3d. I was totally amazed. I was able to see the baby's face and watch her move. I was in total awe. It immediately made me feel so much better. The thing is she looks so much like my mother. Odd that I can tell already. I just smiled to myself, but as I was watching this little baby I knew how much we both have gone through together. She really is a miracle.
I have on,y seen my dad once since my earlier posts. I told him what's been going on. I feel he is pulling away slowly. Maybe it's just me. I don't ask him about my mom. I want to but I try and keep our conversations easy. I was sick on Father's Day but my son had called him on his cell phone and then I was able to say a brief hello.
I'm just so tired. Tired of the bad. This has been quite a process of healing for me. It has been over two months since I spoke to my mom. My husband still thinks she will not come to the hospital when the baby comes. He says she will ignore us. Funny thing is my dad will defend it too. Good grief my head is in a million places. Why do I still want my mother? I feel like a child.
I feel like I've taken two steps ahead then three back.

Bonnie, I wanted you to know how I did with the exercise you gave me. I of course had so much to write down from the wanted part. I cried as I was completing it. But I also cried as I wrote down what she is part. I actually felt guilty writing down words like manipulative, judgmental, using, hurtful..
I did think about how and when to avoid her if at all we have a relationship again. That really helped me think about where the positives lay. There weren't many but it was insightful. It's hard to see it all come down to this. To see what I write, and to think about it.
I just wanted to thank you for lending a hand to me.

((((Baker)))) luv and hugs to you. I hope you feel better with each day. That was so sweet what you wrote about baby. Just lovely. Do you play classical music for her? My friends told me when they were expecting it was a great moment just for mom and baby.

Is your husband being supportive and there for you?

I know how hard it is with the parent thing. It hurts a lot. My T said something the other day that really stuck with me and make me think (she is no-nonsense, and very direct). "Your mother has a lot of power over you." I nodded kind of instinctively and then I started thinking about it as it settled in. It is true. She did. As of that moment.

It takes time to process things. I have been working on this in T for almost a year and a half. I am an adult too, and it still hurts, though. I understand that part of it too. But as I focus on healing, the matter feels less in the limelight as my life and priorities take center stage. Much and hugs to you.

I am sooo glad you are feeling a bit better

Rose, I keep thinking about what your T said, how your mother has a lot of power over you. I can't get it out of my mind. My mother still has this power over me. I'm scared of it actually. I realize she always did. I still find myself thinking when making choices, "what would my mom think", or " what would she do". It's like I feel that way because she always bred in me that she was always right and her way was always the right way to do things.
I'm paying more attention to that for positive changes. Every day that goes by I also think about a conversation my husband had with her not too long before the argument. We were at lunch and the conversation was about if I ever did the things my bother did to her she would never pick up the phone and call me again,like she does with my brother. My brother will drop them in a second and she will call him even if she was angry. She wouldn't do that for me. Oh my mom said, that's not true. My daughter is my best friend. My husband just sort of looked like, yeah right and the topic was dropped.
I guess he was right.
I just feel in my heart that o matter what happens, we are only human. Even if she feels my husband was wrong, people make mistake. But to cut us all off like we are the scum of the world, and not even try to communicate just sickens me. Sure I could pick up the phone or go over there, but I just don't have it in me anymore to fix it. I love my children and could not conceive the possibility of dropping them like that. I would try my very best to make things right. Not have the mentality that my kids should come to me because I am the parent.
The power she has over me. I want to be able one day to say the power she had over me.
My husband has been very kind to me, especially during my health scares here and there lately. He is always stressed about work, but he is better about bringing it home now. I don't know if that will last but its been peaceful. I just started the eighth month so I have been counting down the weeks.
I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes. Mentally and physically. Sometimes I feel like no one understands what's in my head but me, so that's a big reason I don't communicate well.
I could blame it on my dysfunctional family but I'm done with the blae game. I realized I was no better then my mom shifting blame all the time and being miserable voicing these things that I decided the best way to get through it is laugh it off and focus on changing this behavior.
It's hard because there are times I just want to scream, but I have been trying to live healthy. Some days are better than others, but there isn't one day that goes by I don't think of that woman. That's the power she has I guess.
Sadly, if she came to me I would turn into the biggest baby and cry and hug her. I know it. My dreams haven't changed. I still dream of her all the time.
I just want all the ugliness to go away.
I agree with you whole heatedly that its important to focus on the healing because the priorities take cener stage and those issues dwindle over time. I kow they don't completely go away but they are not important as they used to be. i can't wait to get there.

((((Baker))))

So yesterday I talked to my dad. I had some good news from the doctor. He basically said that one of the tests he took was negative. Basically I am still cancer free from my thyroid for now. He says that sometimes it reoccurres after childbirth but for now I am good. Still on meds but that and my body somehow helped repair the bad things that were going on. So now I just have to worry about my stomach after the baby is born and get on a high dose of antibiotics. So I am thrilled out of my mind to say the least. Still feel awful with everything else but I can handle it for sure. The nurse gave me a hmotoma during the bloodwork I had done yesterday and I was like don't worry it's fine. I was completely numb from the good news, that nothing would bother me. Lol.
So I told my dad. He said oh I knew everything was going to be alright. Then he said oh I took the pictures you showed me of the sonogram and 3d images of the baby to your mom. ( last week I showed my dad the latest sonogram of the baby. They check the baby every three weeks to make sure she is developing well since I am on high doses of meds for thyroid, I also told him that I see my mom in some of the pictures of the baby) then he says, your mother said that the baby doesn't look like her, it looks like your husband. That was it. No omg that's incredible that we can see her face so well, or how pretty she is, or anything like that. I mean lie to me if you have to. It is your granddaughter for heavens sake. So I just said oh, did she say anything else, I mean was she surprised to see how clear the images were? He said, oh yes. I dropped it then. Oh well. Nothing could bring me down yesterday but there was one point that after I received the news from the doctor I wanted to call my mother and tell her. I realized then, I didn't have anyone else aside from my husband that I could share it with.
The one girlfriend I have that is my neighbor has been very strange with me. Don't know why. I have my conspiracy theory though. She and her husband do not have children yet, they are married a few years and are in their thirties. Very sweet couple. However, ever since this happened with my mom, we don't socialize that much because my parents would watch the kids if we went out for dinner with them. It was usually about once a month. Now I don't have or really trust anyone else to watch my kids so we tried once going out with them and the kids one night and although my kids are very well behaved, that was the only time we did that. So I'm guessing they don't want to go out with the kids. But also I think that once I told them I was pregnant which was when I was about five months, she has distanced herself from me. The day I told her we had them over for dinner and we told them what was going on with my health and how it's hard to be excited because of all the goings on, but that we wanted them to know because we like them so much and enjoy their company. That nigh she sent me an email saying that she was trying to conceive and that I shouldn't ask her about it because she wants to be able to wait a few months before telling anyone and that she doesn't like it when people ask her when they are getting pregnant. I just simply responded by saying that I will be here whenever you need and that I wish her all the best.
I don know if that changed our relationship or not. But the only times we talk is really through email. I saw her a month ago because I bought her a birthday present and she came over to get it. It was a small wristlet purse. She hardly opened it. She did give me a hug and said thank you but that was it. That wa the last time I saw her. Of course she always asks about what's going on with my mom, and I always tell her things are the same.
I don't want to be hard on people the way my mom has always been, but I just feel disappointed.
And maybe my conspiracy theories are completely wrong. But I really don't know what else to think.

talk about your status, without asking her.

Maybe you are feeling 'strange' and thinking that everyone is behaving 'strange'. It happens.
Tell her how much you need and like her friendship. Also tell her to feel free to tell you that this is not the right moment to chat or whatever.
You need to reach out to other people and create a web of support.
Don't give up on her, before knowing for sure that she is withdrawing, for whatever reasons.

don't be surprised about your father's behavior. If he wanted to fight with your mother, he could have had plenty of reasons, before you. Quite evidently he doesn't want to fight her.

And remember that every time your mother does not call, or comment shows the extend of her problems. Not yours.
It her. Not you.

Keep up the good word and your new baby seems a perfect work

Oh I think it just might be hard for your neighbor to be around you right now if they are having fertility issues. I have a couple I have been friends with for 30 years who are childless I think not exactly by choice and it seems difficult for them to be around children. I would not take it personally and would try to be extra sensitive.

Your right Bonnie. I just emailed her and filled her in as to what has been going on, and asked when we could catch up. Hopefully she will respond. I don't really want to talk too much about the baby in case it makes her feel bad. Maybe that's why she hasn't been around.
I actually feel quite bad for my father. I know that he is in my old shoes with my mom. He gets to take the blunt of everything there and he probably feels what else is he supposed to do. He is stuck there. So many times my mother would just beat him down and although he would fight back he would go in his room and just read or whatever to get away from her. Basically it's how I survived living there years ago. But she really does have problems that she doesn't believe she has. I know my dad thinks there is something wrong with her, but who knows if he would admit it now. Shes had almost three months to fill his ear about how bad my husband is and how bad i am. she is so good at manipulating its not even funny. i have aeen her in action for years and i know her so well i can picture her doing it about me now. It's quite sad that she thinks its everyone else and not herself. I don't think she will ever be helped because of that. Besides did I mention that she is just going about her life like she doesn't have a care in the world? If I pick up take out for dinner the man in the restaurant will say, oh your mom and brother were here today for lunch. Or my dad will say something like oh when your mom was shopping yesterday...whatever. I'm ok with it now. It still stings but doesn't hurt as much as it did before.
She should only remember how she treated her own mother. How for years she didn't talk to her. It was like an off an on pattern during my childhood. On it was never her fult. Always something her sisters did or how my grandma sided with her sisters.
Too dysfunctional.

I think you might be right. I think that's why she never asks me about the baby or asks me how I'm feeling. I know she has another friend who is pregnant as well, and she talks about her, but I think it's different because this friend lives far away from her.
I kind of picked up on it and haven't said anything about the baby to her. I just talk about things she likes. She is into fashion and goes out a lot with her husband. She has made some new neighbor friends. There are two couples they tend to go out with a lot. One that has a smll toddler, And another without children. She never asks us to do anything anymore. I have been sick here and there this past month, but before that I had asked her to do get together and every time she said that they couldn't. I'm sure they were busy but the is a small doubt in my mind about it.

Bonnie, I wanted to ask you something. There was a movie you recommended to me, an Italian movie about family. Can you give me the title of it? I have been trying to go back to the past posts to see if I could find it, but for some reason i can only go back new pages. It may be a computer glitch, I can always restart my computer and try later.
I'm just in need of a good laugh..

That might have been me, im first generation! Il Pranzo di ferro d'aogusto. A midsummers eve lunch. It has like 5 different italian grannies in it, I found it heartwarming.

I also like anything by Nick Park - he did Wallace and Gromet?

Yes that was it! Thank you so much. My apologies for making the mistake. I am going to try and look it up now.
Thanks again

I am beginning to feel weak again. In my mind that is. I was actually planning out in my head last night that I should visit my mother before the baby comes with my husband and try and make things work. One part of me is saying go do it and feel better, but the other part is like, are you crazy? You have come far without cowing down, don't do it. I just feel like she doesn't deserve us in her life since she hasn't and won't contact us.
I have visions of all of us together again, but I just don't see it happening.
I just wish I knew the right thing to do.

Whenever you think in terms of 'deserving' you are thinking her patterns again: there is a scale in human relationships, if i give out 5, i must receive 5 or 6.

leave out the thoughts of what should be done. Ask yourself, your real self what do you want to do.

Your strength and your happiness are within you. No one took them away.
They are there.

Btw, i might have given the advice for a movie, but i couldn't remember it now

The thing is, how do I really know what I want? I mean I think I do but my mind gets so confused. I just feel like a weakling again. I feel pathetic actually.
Your right, thinking about deserving is her way. Am I ever going to be released from her ways of life? Do I want to get back into a relationship again where it's an effort to be around her? It's been so easy I must admit. Hard to deal with my feelings, with all the pain, but easy to actually just live without getting "permission" about everything.m
I know my heart says, be a good person, be kind, and don't have bad thoughts.
I shouldn't feel scared, or dread wanting my mother.

I guess many of us talked about therapy.
For all the reasons you are enunciating and even more

I am a wreck today. I really just wish could run so far away from life. I asked my husband if he would come with me to talk to my parents. I told him that its time that I behave like an adult and be the bigger person and try and sort things out and communicate my feelings once and for all. At least try to make things better. If it doesn't work then at least I tried and I can feel better maybe. Who knows. He just absolutely refuses to do it. He said I could go if I wanted but h wants nothing to do with It. He says that he doesn't want to see her. I told him I understood his reason but I asked him if he could do this one thing for me since I have neve asked him of anything before. I mentioned that I have put up with and dealt with so much with his ex wife and children, but he says that he has no control over that. I mean I have to live with his children half the time that do not respect us nor even look at us and he has no control over that? These kids treat me terribly, I can't stand it anymore. I have to find my voice and really put them in their place the way I do with my own children. Why should they get away doing these things to us when it's unacceptable for our children to behave that wAy. I feel if my husband would have done something when they were younger we all would have had a better relationship now. I just feel like he should put himself in my shoes for once. It really hurts. I can't stop crying. Yes my family is absolutely dysfunctional, and yes I know all th things that my mother has done to me, but maybe theres a chance things could be better if one of us tries. I mean, I'm having this baby in less than ten weeks. I just would feel so much better if I knew I tried. I mean it was him and my mother who started this. He can be a bit abrasive at times, but this is ridiculous.
I feel like I'm crazy and I feel like he's making me crazy.

You can't make him do anything, and yes, while it may be useful to keep the peace but your mum has made it clear that she doesn't like him so it may be useful to remember that. Please do not hold it against him - I know you resented him for the whole thing when in reality, your mum is at fault too - if not more so. She could've still had a relationship with you, while refusing to see your husband. The issue with his children is point scoring - it was your choice to take him on with kids etc, and do what you do for them just as it's his choice not to go to your mums, even though it seems unfair.

Can you not go alone if it means so much to you? Perhaps your husband will wait in the car around the block or something for you? Although he doesn't support you in going to meet your mum, perhaps he can be a support for you afterwards, esp if you do not hear what you want to hear from you mum.

Good luck.....