Mother will not speak to me

Hi, I am new to this forum and actually I have spent a lot of time dealing with all sorts of issues by myself. I was always taught to never tell anyone outside of my family any personal issues that any of us were dealing with. I am in my thirties now and I feel just completely exhausted. I will get right to the point because I tend to go on and on and like I said, I have never done this before so I dont know how this all works, but I am hoping for some advice, because I just dont know what to do anymore.
I have been married for over 8 years. I lived with my parents well into my twenties and was always a good kid so to speak. ALways listened to my mother and helped her with everything. Still do. I have my own family but will still drop everything to help with whatever my mother needs. Doctor appts, shopping, listening to her complain, even gossip..etc.
She has always caused rifts between me and my older brother. Who i should mention has never taken her to a doctor, or for that matter ever done anything with my parents, but use them. My husband and I have them over at our house at least 4 times a week, also family dinners on weekends, holidays, and of course many vacations. We do a lot and are very close. I should also mention I notice she gets a little peculiar if I go away with my family alone, and If I dont call her while we are on vacation she gets really wierd with me. One time she didnt speak to me for three weeks after I was first married because I didnt call her while we were away for the weekend everyday. Everytime I called her during those 3 weeks, my dad said she had a headache or wasnt feeling well.
Two weeks ago, my mother had an argument with my husband. She yelled and said she didnt like the way he spoke to her. He got upset and basically said well if you dont like it then leave. I tried to have them work it out but they are very much the same and stubborn and to no avail, she left and that was that. She also had to add in before she left that this is the reason why my brother doesnt "bother" with us is because of my husband. Which i can tell you is the furthest from the truth. my brother didnt speak to my parents for over 4 years once and that was when I was about 20 years old. My brother and husband get along great, but I never do know what my mom and brother talk about when alone. I should also mention that I am pregnant and suffered with HG the first trimester, have other issues relating to that, and now have some heart problems. I am still unsure at only 18 weeks if this baby is healthy or not, and even though my mom nows this she doesnt care to call me. If she went to the doctor, god forbid I didnt call to see how she made out. She would never dare to be this way to my brother. I had nothing to do with it, but she doesnt see it this way. I felt she was wrong with what she said to my husband but I wanted to stay out of it. Also, my dad who I see and talk to I give updates to about my condition so i know he tells my mom what is going on, but still nothing. I know she is stewing and probably feels that I am the child and I should call her. Oddly, my brother hasnt been around for the longest time, but all of a sudden I heard that he has been coming around lately. WHich in all honestly makes me feel lousy because I have always been there, my husband and kids has always been there, all those times dropping what I was doing, and this is how she treats us? EVen my daughter who had a special recital last week, my dad came but she didn't. It was like a slap. I dont know how to handle this. I am a nervous wreck as is, and this is only making things worse. My husband told me that she is my mother and he will always be civil to her but she should come to me since I had nothing to do with it. He also said that I could do whatever I wanted, if I wanted to see her or call her to do it, that he would never stop me, but I feel so confused. I don't know how to handle this, I want everything to be back to the way it was, but I am kind of angry and depressed about it all.
I am sorry that I have wrote so much but there really is so much more I can say. Any help would really be appreciated. Thank you

Honey, you have GOT to stop letting your mother run your life. You're a little too old for this.

Your mother is being too controlling. She is also being selfish. She feels that the world revolves around HER -- and it doesn't.

You must remember that when you married, your husband became your new family, and your responsibility is to HIM. Your mother sounds as tho she is perfectly able to take care of herself. Plus she has your father too. Evidently she can get to her doctors' appointments, etc. without you because she's been doing it! So you certainly don't have to "drop everything" like you did before, and run to her side! I know you feel a certain responsibility to her, but that's only because she more or less brainwashed you! You are PREGNANT now, and you should be taking care of YOURSELF!

You don't need to apologize, or to go crawling back to your mother. You did NOTHING at all to cause any rift. If she wants to play these childish games, then let her. You've got to teach her that you're not going to play these games anymore. Be the adult, and stand your ground. Sooner or later, she'll come around -- especially if she wants to see her grandchild!

Maybe I sound harsh, but your Mother sounds pretty stubborn, childish and a troublemaker to me. She's got to learn that you aren't going to put up with this stuff anymore. I wouldn't make the first move. But I'm Irish too, and I can be just as stubborn! lol It just seems that she's been calling the shots with you for a lot of years, i.e. "making" you call her after her doctors appointments, or ELSE. What about her calling YOU after YOUR doctor's appots? How come she doesn't do that? She's selfish.

I'm sorry you're having these problems. I say just take care of YOURSELF and forget these problems with your Mother. Just let them go, and sit back and relax. YOU and your BABY are the most important things right now. By worrying about these other things, you're just putting yourself at risk, and it's just not worth it. Some family members are TOXIC to us, and have to be treated as such. Your Mom is toxic.

Take good care of yourself my friend. God bless and PLEASE let us know how you're doing from time to time. Especially when that precious baby is born! Best of luck! Gentle hugs, Lee

I echo Lee's sentiments. I understand that your mother's behavior is quite hurtful and perplexing, to say the least. It is very important to take care of yourself and baby right now. You have a family, husband, that love you very much and are there for you. Try to focus on that and most importantly your health.

Your mother will be fine. It sounds as if she has quite a set-up arranged for herself. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Rose

Thank you for the responses. It has been two weeks and yet she has not called. I know she feels that I should be the one and that she probably doesn't even want to bother because of how "my husband treats her". Good grief. I have been feeling worse lately. Went back to another doctor for more tests and now I have horrible breathing problems. I have told my dad but still nothing from either one of them now. My dad was worried and kept telling me to make an appt with a cardiologist but he hasn't made an effort to call or email me. See once my mom gets wind that my dad may perhaps be more understanding to me she gets in his head and gets him going with negative things.
I feel alone. My mom is the only person I ever had in my life that was a constant, even though I knew there were issues I just sort of brushed it all under the rug. I know deep down your responses are the right ones but my heart hurts. I want my mother back in my life and I want everything to be normal again. I just wish she would make an effort. Sometimes family stuff really stinks. My mother will never admit when she is wrong and she will always find ways to make excuses. She will always turn things around and make everyone else look bad.
My daughter has another recital coming up in a week, I will tell my dad but I'm sure my mom won't attend again. I am so disappointed with everything. I really feel like all this is making my condition worse. I'm up all night as well. And the kicker is she doesn't care or its not bothering her at all. Mother's Day, I'm sure she will expect something. I just don't know how to handle any of this. My husband won't budge and quite frankly I don't lame him. He has said the same things as the responses. Make her come to you. You haven't done anything to deserve this. But I sort of feel like I could have prevented this in some way. I'm really messed up with all of this.

((((Baker)))) It sounds like our mothers were twins separated at birth. I am working really hard to let things go, but I also know how much it hurts. And the damage that it does to us. Just one day at a time, Sweetie. Even though our mothers behaviors are hideous and unthinkable, and our fathers, diappointing by the enabling and burying their heads in the sand, we have to go on.

It doesnt have to mean it isnt hard and doesnt hurt (to our core), or even that we dont care, but we have to focus on our own lives and well being.

You are so lucky, too, to have your husband by your side.

Please take good care. You have done nothing wrong. You have a good, caring, loving spirit.

Bunches of hugs to you, Rose

There are short-run and long-run issues here.

Short run:

Think about the consequences of possible actions.

What will happen if you go to her?

versus

What will happen if you wait?

Think about consequences in terms of your emotions, your relationships, your health, your baby, your family.

Take this seriously. Make a written list or pros and cons.

Don't be swayed by emotional claims that "she should come to you" or "you should go to her". Think it through with patience and care.

Long run:

I agree with the others that more separation is needed. Did you really see your parents four times or more per week? Is that amount of contact what you want...or is it what your mother demands?

If you decide to limit contact in the longer term, and I hope you do, you will need to be prepared for her to use those emotional techniques (emotional blackmail) to coerce you into doing what she wants. These techniques have worked for her in the past: like the time she did not talk to you for three weeks and you still called her every.single.day.

Be prepared to ignore/resist these emotional techniques. Be strong. The more you give in to her emotional blackmail, the more she will keep it up and the unhappier you and your family will be.

Think to yourself: I love you Mom but I am a grown woman, I have my own family and responsibilities, and I am not giving in to emotional blackmail.

Here is an article about emotional blackmail: Emotional blackmail - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Wow, that Wiki piece is my mother and family to a "t". Nice to know there is something real going on and it wasnt / isnt me.

My mother is a Master. They should post her photo next to the title.

Thank you again for responding. I sincerely appreciate it. I am an emotional wreck at this point. I have gone from feeling scared that she will never talk to me again to wanting to strangle her to now not caring as much. I feel guilty about that. We have been so close and yet now I actually fear her. Why is that? She is my mother. I shouldn't be scared to pick up the phone if I wanted to and call or go to her. It's a mess. I have been trying to focus on good things but its so hard. I've been so sick and I have just wanted her to be here. I want her around for the new baby but could she really never speak to me again?
You know I have so much time now where I just sit and think to myself. I was thinking about how there were times she would say things to me so I would perhaps bring up certain issues to my husband later on. Almost as if she wanted to cause arguments between my husband and I. Then there were times she would praise my husband up and down and even go as far to say that he should have been her son because they are so similar.
I still feel lost. I don't know what will happen now, or there will ever be a relationship again, but I do know now that I am a nervous wreck about it.

Possibly you are afraid to call her because you fear how she will respond.

The pain must be excruciating, for your mother to absent herself while you are expecting and unwell.

Try not to think about ever again. Focus on today: what can you do to help yourself and your family today?

I am also subject to emotional blackmail. I understand what's it's like and how hard it is. I get it. Can't help or offer much advice, but I understand.

((baker007)) - I'm very sorry for what you're going through and you've already received some great advice...especially from Bill3. He's right you're being emotionally blackmailed. I have experience with manipulators - one was my MIL and so is my husband. Your mother had made you feel too responsible for her happiness. She's too involved in your life and you shouldn't have to do this much for her. She has a husband and your brother should have been doing his share.

You have your own life and she should only be a small influence now you're an adult. For her to do this emotional game while you're pregnant is very cruel. She has serious emotional problems, where she's orchestrated this kind of dependence on you. This is a boundary problem too -you need to stand your ground and she needs to respect your boundaries. Tell your dad, she's welcome but you won't tolerate this anymore. Your mom is kissing up to your brother, because she's probably doing the same manipulation on him. What kind of mother encourages her children to feel jealous of each other and pits them against each other?

She wants you to beg and do what she wants but you're an adult. She wants a reaction, so the best thing for a person like this is, not to give them one. For the present moment take care of yourself and this pregnancy. It sounds like you have a great husband. Let her be stubborn. I understand you feel devastated because she never cut the apron strings..... she was working the benefits. I know this type and they'll put you through hell unless you establish firm boundaries. Congratulations on being pregnant and this baby is number 1 priority. You can rely on us for support. Best of luck

Your mother sounds like an immature personality, who needs to be the center of attention, who always thinks about her first and when the whole world does the same she thinks that it's only right.
I guess you have always been a good daughter. never questioning if what you did was right or wrong, was reciprocated or not.
I guess this is your chance to rethink your relationship with your mother. I woulnd't bother about calling her or not calling her right now, but I really feel like you have to see your mother's behavior thru other eyes and then rethink your relationship.
How about seeing a counsellor or a psychological help?

Your mother is probably waiting for you to apologize but you must decide what you want to do.
On the other hand, see what she does with her doctors. She may be back, when she need you.

Take good care of you. Think about your new family.

Wow, it's hard sometimes to hear the truth. I still feel deeply heartbroken. I realize that the advice I have been given here by all of you is healthy and true, and I can't thank all of you enough.
Lynn, you are right on about how she has manipulated my brother and I, to the point where we turn on each other because of her. Why wouldn't a mother want her adult children to get along? The crummy part is when my brother stopped talking to my parents as well as me, for four years, I was the one to listen to all the bad my mother told me about him and his decisions. When he came back to the family, my mother was all head over heels agin with him as if nothing happened. She would run to him if she feared he wouldn't talk to her. With me it's different and I don't know why, or hat I ever did wrong to be in such a complicated mess. I have always been the one to tell her that he's her son and that she shouldn't say and do some of the things she has done to him but she always finds an excuse to make it look good for her.
Lee, Rose, and Bill say things that I have felt for years but was always so scared to say or break away a little in fear that my mother wouldn't speak to me. I was like walking on egg shells. Now I guess it doesn't matter at this point since we both have not taken any initiative to contact one another. I am so depressed by all of this. I don't even discuss it with my husband anymore because I know his stance on all of it. I feel like even though I have my own family I am alone.
My husband never really had a family growing up. His presents divorced when he was about 6, and his mom kind of had her own independent life. His dad moved on and had another family. When my husband turned 18 he moved to the city and worked and put himself through college never looking back. His parents do not contact us, or have any kind of a relationship. I can't imagine not having family support like that, but he doesn't understand certain family things. I'm not in anyway saying anything about my moms issue with us, but there were times when we needed help, moving, anything with the kids, the house, work, babysitting, or whatever and my parents were always there. Always asking what they could do to help. My husband would say to me why do we need them we can do it ourselves, but I would tell him, this is what family does, they are supposed to be there for us.
So he has a very independent way of looking at things and it could be difficult at times, because he has been on his own for so many years. I'm afraid that whatever will happen with my family things will never feel right. I know that if I ever do have a relationship with my mother again, I know I can't fall into the trap again. It's going to be so hard because that is all I have been used to. But still, she has made no contact nor my dad to find out if I'm ok. I'm sure if something was wrong with her my dad would have called and told me about it.
I have not been myself since this happened. It's embarrassing but I don't have any ambition to get dressed. I force myself to find strength and do daily tasks and hide my feelings from my husband and children. I hate feeling this way. I want to be better. I just don't know how else to handle this. I feel like such a child.

Yeah, it's too bad it has to be either or, all or nothing, my way or the highway. It makes you wonder if ANY families have a more normal relationship, where they don't have to give up everything of who they are just to be in it. I'm sorry, I can't really help. I got out. Too late, but I did get out. And I'm sooooo glad I did. It basically comes down to, do you really want to let a crazy person run your life? ? If your mother has these limitations, fine; but don't subject yourself and your children and your family to them. Straight out say to her, "I'm sorry if you can't understand the logic or reasoning here but this is how its gonna be from now on." She's not going to want to admit she IS stupid; she's just playing stupid as lng as it gets her what she wants. If she really IS stupid, again, are you going to live DOWN to her limitations? How do you explain that to yourself? I'm not particularly religious, but it's the parable of the talents - you can't bury your talents because you're scared; you were given this understanding, you have to use it. I try to live by this. Try, not always succeed!

((((Baker)))) I feel your pain and confusion. You are not alone. My mother did the same exact thing to me with my sibling(s). It is so confusing, hurtful and simply crazy-making. It absolutely makes no sense, whatsoever, to me, as well.

It hurts terribly to know / feel that because you are getting off the rollercoaster, there is a chance you might not hear from your mother again. Or at least, for a long time. It is very painful. Try to just remember that you are not alone, your feelings are ok...it is ok to feel grief.

I dont mind as much now that I have no contact with my mother. But I can say that it hurts like hell that I cannot see my father or talk to him. He will not call me or even show the slightest bit of care for me because my mother manipulates him and makes his life miserable. Unforrunately, it is part of the deal, and I have to live with that. It breaks my heart.

One day at a time, Sweetie. I was raised in a super dysfuntional family, too, but it was "family". Despite all the manipulation, emotional blackmailing, it seemed better than nothing. But part of all that dysfunction is that they were keeping me dependent BY emotionally manipulating me. So I underatand how hard it is to separate from everything (the only thing) you know...even if it isnt healthy and terribly toxic.

Please know that we are here and care and can relate. And again, you are not alone.

I have a very good, very nurturing T. She doesnt "take the place of my mother" but she is very supportive, caring, warm, non-judgmental....all the things I missed out on to help me grow to be an i dependent, confident woman. It is never too late xoxo

Rose

I am so alone and so depressed. I just had an argument with my husband. The one who is supposed to be my friend. Huh, what a joke. I just can't believe how alone I am. The sad part is he was so hurtful to me. We have some issues that we deal with, he was divorced with two children for four years before we met. The children are teenagers now and are so disrespectful to both of us it has been difficult but I deal with it because of how I feel for my husband. But they only talk to us when they need money. They hate us and they have been poisoned by their mom, but they also hate our children. It's pretty sad actually. In any event I have thrown so much under the rug that I just can't take it anymore. Especially since my husband is so adamant about not having a relationship with my mother anymore. I mean he has no understanding. I have my own issues with her. They are my issues with her and I have to learn to deal with them. He should be understanding like I am with him about his life but he isn't. Is that wrong that I ask that of him? My husband was so nasty with me tonight. He got so loud and mean. I try to be so strong but I usually run into a closet and cry my eyes out. I feel so weak. I know this is not healthy for the baby and my health issues but I just don't know what to do anymore. I am absolutely alone. I have asked him over the years to go see a therapist because of the issues we deal with but he refuses and says he doesn't believe in any of them. He won't budge. I know we need one because I just can't keep this up anymore. I mean I try and speak to him but he just makes fun of me and says that all I do is ***** and complain. He even had the nerve to say tonight that I am just like my mother and that he was actually happy we were not speaking to each other. I mean how cruel can he be?
He yelled at me so loud tonight and stood up in front of me saying that no one will ever speak to him that way like my mother did or anyone else, but yet he takes the crap from his ex and kids and I just have to sit back and take it to? It's unfair. I feel betrayed, unloved, alone, mentally and physically exhausted. The funny thing is he is so much like my mother. He won't speak to me now for a few days. I didn't do anything but ask him why he didn't tell me that he promised to give his older son money for a camp for a week. I would never say not to do it but all I asked him was why he didn't tell me and then he said, I earn it and I can do what I want with it. He is so hurtful at times. I am so beside myself right now. I have a doctors appt tomorrow morning and hopefully I will get some good news with the last screening tests I had for the baby. That will put my mind at ease but I really can't stomach any of this. I'm totally lost. I want to take my children and run so far away from everything. I really wish I could.

I keep sitting here thinking about all the bad. I just can't help it. I got into bed just before and our daughter sleeps with us so I snuggled up next to her just trying to forget everything. My husband comes in and just his presence annoyed me. I just couldn't be in the same room with him. I had to get up and leave the room. He doesn't care in the least. Even if he did know how truly upset I am he wouldn't care. It's like who is this person? Where is the person I married eight years ago?
I really must have had rocks in my head to think I could handle our life and the emotional issues I have with my mother. I should have moved out way before I got married and lived on my own. I never experienced that side of life. The side where you are your own person.
I mean I feel trapped now. Tonight I sat back in my closet cried and cried and there were so many thoughts. I almost feel like my husband doesn't have the same feelings for me as I have for him. He is so different now. Very cold. There were times when we would argue about why he can't speak to his children about being so disprespectful to us, and he would blow up at me and instead of saying ok let's have a healthy conversation about this and figure this out he would lash out at me and basically tell me that I can leave whenever I wanted.
I would tell him that I feel like a prisoner in my own home at times and I don't feel comfortable at all when the children are here lately. They have stolen things from us, they have destroyed things in our home, they have done a lot to us, but yet my husband just looks the other way and says that it is beyond our control that it will make it worse.
The fact is tonight when he argued with me and said horrible things the one thing that just sticks out and stabs me in the heart is how he is happy I am not speaking to my mother.
The sick thing is that I knew that deep down. Oh he would hate it when we would be on the phone or if I was spending a lot of time at my parents house. When I was suffering with sever morning sickness and I started to feel slightly better the only pal I could tolerate to be at was my mothers kitchen. I don't know why but I felt better there. He never understood that. Oh we'll, I'm rambling on and on now. I just wish I had a magic wand to make things better for everybody. It's just the pain that sucks. It won't go away.

Everything is so overwhelming and out of order right now. It is so hard for you now, and i am really sorry for that. Do you have a T or could you go to one to help you deal with everything?

((((Baker)))) you are absolutely not alone. I am soo sorry you are hurting right now.

It is good that you removed yourself from your Hs presence so you can at least hopefully get some rest.

Perhaps when you see the doctor tomorrow, you can ask for a referral for a good therapist. Do you feel comfortable confiding in your doctor? It is truly important for you to take good care of yourself right now for your health, the baby and the kids.

Please let us know how things go tomorrow and how you are doing.

so sorry it is so bad for you.

Looks like you learned a bad relationship pattern and are repeating it over and over with the most important persons in your life.

I know we all make mistakes (mother, husband) but it seems to me, from what you write, that you cannot, you know not how to protect yourself. But you should, you positively should.

Leave the husband to his problems and take care of yourself. Physically, emotionally, the best you can.
I would look for some therapist who could help you see you behavioral patterns from the outside and, in time, learn how to change them.

I am really sorry that you hurt so much, but you write as if you are not able to change the situation. You describe yourself as the victim of both your mother's and husband's ways.
But you couldn't be a victim, unless you put yourself in that situation.
I understand that you don't do it on purpose, you just learned that way to cope with the ones you love the most, but what you write should tell you that the way you respond to them puts you into trouble.

You still write picturing yourself as a victim and, belive me or not, it is this that is hurting you most. The idea of your powerlessness. But you have power, you do have it. The only thing is tha tyou give out your power to husband / mother and then resent it when they use it badly.

You should take your own power into your own hands and then learn not to give it out to anyone anymore.

Husband and mother are not perfect, they may have big flaws, but if you are in this pain it is because you gave them too much power.

This is the moment to reshape yourself, your life, your well being, your ideas of what loving and being loved means.
Please do not be discouraged: once you find yourself, you will be in the best company ever and that company will never desert you. But you cannot put your life into other people's hands anymore, because you see that they don't do good things with it.

Take the necessary strength from your children, who deserve a happy mother.

Bonnie you are so right. My husband is so much like my mother in many ways. He would never admit that, but its true. In our relationship I deal with things the same way I have dealt with issues with my mom. If my husband and I argue I try and ignore the bad and just go with it to have some sort of peace and harmony in the house. Mostly for my children, but sometimes it's just easier for me. I feel like such a coward. I am the same with my mom. I try to avoid the conflict if there was any and pretend envying is ok. I know it was not healthy but I did it because I knew that In my mind things would be ok that way. Maybeminwas being selfish, but i felt like i was being a better person. Unfortunately, I have gone on for so long walking on eggshells for everyone thang I forgot who the heck I am. Now as ridiculous as this must sound, I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to act or behave anymore. I don't want to be a mouse any longer, but I don't know how to change.
I have put myself in these positions, I know that. I want things to be better for everyone but I guess I'm afraid of losing what matters to me. Just like I was so afraid of losing the relationship with my mom. T tell you the truth, last night after the argument with my husband, I almost felt like I hated him. Never felt that way before. I felt resentment because it was him that had the fight with my mom and essentially in my mind ruined our relationship. Now I know I have my own things to deal with in how my mother treats me but I would have never behaved that way to my husbands mother. I would have just sucked it up and said to myself, this is his mother and he can deal with her. Instead my husband caused world war three. Now I don't even have communication with my dad. Ugh, life...
My children are my life. I don't know how to behave around them either because I want them to see I can be strong and not take any bs from anyone.
I would love to see a therapist. I always have wanted to talk to someone about everything but I'm sure fs would be a big fight with my husband, even if I just went. I don't think he understands things like this. It's also hard because I know there is a baby on the way, and sometimes financially things are tight since we pay so much in child support a month for his children, and all the other amenities of life.

I wish I did. This is actually the first time in my life that I have ever told anyone about the things that go on, And I can't thank god enough that I found this site.
I do feel overwhelmed. I never wanted so badly to just run away. I think if there was a way last night that I could leave with my children with no questions asked I would have done it. Night time for me is the worst. In the morning I feel a little better as if I can handle things better now, but at night I feel even more alone. I can't sleep, I'm nervous about everything, and I just want to go in a hole.

Don't be too hard on yourself!! You learnt a coping strategy and replied that behavior over and over again.
What you decided long time ago, about how to deal with people, it does not come from your weakness but from your wise part, who could 'read' you mother's requests and worked out a good way to get along with her.

Give yourself time and trust so that you can change those old decisions you made and you will be fine.

You are not being ridiculous at all: i experienced that too! I also had a difficult parent to put up with and I moulded my behavior to other people following those decisions, took too long ago for me to remember.

I know money can be an issue, but you must remember that spending money on your health and well-being comes first.
You don't need to tell your husband what that money is about. You might want to tell him that it's for a 'doctor' and that will not be too big of a lie.

You feel so lonely because you are not there for you and you hoped that the loves of your live would do the job.
I thought so too, but now i know better.
And you must know better for your children too.

You have a right to be well, to do what you think right and not to think so much about what mother / husband think of you.

I would concentrate on you, not others.
See how much you talk about mother and / or husband? How about you? What are the things you really want?

Don't be hard on yourself!
Start loving yourself 'just the way you are'. If other people would not love you enough, you will do it!
We will do it

Think about your new baby and your born ones too. Picture yourself and them in places of happiness and sun. It is not idle, i promise. It will give you hope and will calm down your worst pains and fears.

May I ask you something? could you please change your status into 'hopeful'?
Take good care of yourself. Your life is in your hands and we are here to help you.

Why do I feel so guilty though? I mean I feel just plain awful about the mess my life is in. I try to think about the things I want, and its revolves around my mother and husband. I want my mother back in my life like nothing happened. I miss her. You know the other day I said to my husband how much I actually miss her and doing things with her, and last night in our argument he had the nerve to bring it up and make fun of me. I don't understand how someone who is supposed to be there for you can turn things around and hurt me with the things I have confided in him.
I do miss having her in my life even with all the issues. I love her. It's hard to deal with at times, and I have told this to my husband but he ignores what I say about it, so then I just stop communicating.
I also want my husband back. I want my husband to say to me, everyone is going to be ok. Will get through this and work things out because I know this is what will make you happy. But that would never happen.
You know I have always tried to make everyone around me happy, no matter how it made me feel. But I was content with seeing the ones I love happy. Now I want that same devotion for me. Is it wrong that I want this? I am so tired of doing for others. Why can't my husband do me favors as I have done for him. I mean I am so sick and tired of dealing with his children. I really have had it. God that sounds terrible doesn't it. But I can't hide it anymore. These kids are so uncomfortable to be around. They remain in their room while they are here because they don't want to spend anytime with us as a family. They only come out for meals. Then they go home to their mother and complain that we make them stay in their room. Who does that? If I ever see them driving with their mom they each give me the middle finger. This was done twice. I pretend I don't see it but it hurts. Especially since I have been the one to take care of them for so long while their mother doesn't care at all.
It's just hard to deal with, and if the shoe was on the other foot I know my husband would neve tolerate it. Maybe I'm jealous of this. Maybe I wish I could have the strength like him and my mom. But it was my mom who I could go and talk to about all of to because my husband doesn't like to hear the truth about his kids. My mom was the only one that I could confide in because some of these things are a little too embarrassing to mention to anyone else. I guess that's why he is also happy I don't have my mother right now. I think he is being selfish. The fact that he won't talk to me and he won't until I cave in and talk is ridiculous. Just like how I would behave with my mother. I mean am I crazy? And mostly I cave in because I can't stand tension and conflict. I am so much like my father, sometimes it's good, but mostly bad. He is so passive, he goes with the flow and can handle change. My mom, absolutely not. But unfortunately I feel he was kicked around by my mom so much that he just takes it from everywhere. Sort of like me. I married what my dad married. Now I'm living like my dad. Although, sometimes I feel like my mom. There were times I felt bad for her. My dad was never a loving husband even when I was a small child. My husband is kind of the same. Doesn't really show affection. I have friends that are married now for two years. They are so affectionate with each other. It is so nice to see them and be around them because you can really appreciate how they feel for one another. Sometimes I wish I had that.
I want to be happy. I want my family happy, but I really don't know how to do it.
I can't even picture my new baby in fear that these tests that I took will come back and say she is not developing the way she should. I am praying that I find out some good news today. Then I wait until next week to find out the rest.
Has anyone ever felt that they make the same mistakes over and over and don't learn from them?

Wowowowowwwww! There's too much in your post that I could answer to without making you confused.
But it's good that you are letting it all out. And I thank you for changing your mood I wish you would change not only your forum mood, but your overall mood

First: you feel guilty because your mother showed you, long time ago, what she needed. She reinforced the behaviors she wanted from you and you learnt that behaving that way is good. You should add that behaving that way is good for your mother, we don't know if it's really good for you. You can reconsider things.

I honestly don't think you should accept the middle finger from your spouse's kids. But you can't get it all done. Let's stick to the most important.

You have a new life in you and you 'lost', at least temporarily, your love and your best confidante. That's a lot!!
It is good when relatives are our best friends too, but we should always have other people in our lives, other points of view.
I am sorry that you are at loggerheads with you Mum but maybe it's all for the best. Maybe it's because some part of you stopped being HER friend and is starting being YOUR OWN friend, first of all.

I'm sorry I don't know why can't I quote parts of your post. I will learn in time, I guess

You say you wish you could have the strength that your husband and your Mum have. I'm not so sure they have 'real' strength. You seem stronger to me than they are. You could put up with their requests and needs. They can't think about your own, instead. So who's the strong one here?

You are not crazy in the least and it is good that you can't stand conflicts and tension. If they can stand it, is because they are trying to manipulate you into the person they want.

"I married what my dad married" that's a very powerful insight. You are so brave and have such a clear mind!

May I suggest that you start talking to the friends you like most, opening your heart out to them and replacing, little by little, your Mum-friends with good friends. It will not be done in one day but it will pay out in the long run.

You deserve to be happy, we all do.

You are not doing mistakes, you are living out what you learned would give you positive feedback. Now you can see things from a different perspective and learn to behave in a different way.

Every thing is going to be all right as long as you are your best friend. You have been your mother's and husband's best friend. They have not reciprocated. Do not blame it on them. learn for yourself. Learn to move forward.

You deserve to be loved for what you are, not for what you do for others