Should I tell my boyfriend I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder?

My boyfriend is perfect. Absolutely perfect... He is the sweetest guy, really funny, caring, he has a good start to his life and is looking forward to getting married and starting a family, and not to mention he is extremely attractive! I couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend. The best part is he loves me back, he treats me like a princess and I wouldn't trade him in for the world.

And then there's me..
A fat and hideous girl, suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

I've only recently (as in only a month or so) been officially diagnosed, but I've been a sufferer for a few years now. I also (probably-never officially diagnosed but my doctor and family both suspected) had OCD as a child, which I still have, it goes hand in hand with BDD in a lot of cases. I also have social anxiety as a result of my BDD.

I can't always hide my down moods, but to the untrained eye (that is, one that has no clue BDD even exists) I'm excellent at hiding the reason. No one knows I have this besides my mum and dad. Dad only knows that that is what I have, he doesn't seem to have the slightest clue what it is. Mum sort of knows, I haven't talked to her in depth. When I showed her a website she just said "that's you". Whenever I say something bad about myself she just tells me ro "stop thinking that" or something, which is NOT the response I want. If I could just stop thinking this way I would! If it were that easy I wouldn't be in pain. Not even my brothers know.

So I'm pretty lonely here, I have no one to talk to about this. My main concerns are that the person I tell won't take it seriously, as BDD is often just regarded as vanity to someone who doesn't know what they're talking about.

I can trust my boyfriend with anything, this isn't a trust issue. I'm worried that he won't take me seriously. Another big thing is I just don't want him to worry about me. I don't want him realizing how "damaged" (as my mum once referred to me as) I am. He knows that I think bad of myself, as much as I try to hide my condition it really is a part of me. He always tells me I'm pretty, amazing, beautiful, perfect etc. He tells me to stop saying I'm ugly because I'm not and I never will be. He tells me he loves me just the way I am and nothing will change that.
I don't deserve him. I want to believe him, I want to believe every compliment I get. But I can't. I feel horrible that he tries so hard, yet I can't change my thoughts. It does mean the world to me to hear him say things like that though, but at the same time it crushes me. I know that what he says isn't true, and that one day he'll realize that.

I've heard of so many cases of the boyfriend getting sick of dealing with a girlfriend with BDD. It just becomes too much for them, they can't take it. Maybe they even slowly start resenting them. I don't know, I just know I've seen many posts over my Internet research about a boyfriend that just doesn't know what to do anymore. Maybe if I keep my condition to myself, maybe it'll be like its not even there. Maybe if I don't tell him it won't be an issue.

I also don't want him to feel helpless. I don't want to tell anyone because if they can't do something to help, it'll get to them. I'd rather not put the people I care about through that.

This relationship is one of the only things that make me happy. He always knows the right thing to say and can always cheer me up, sometimes without even realizing. I'd hate for him to put any sort of blame on himself. Because naturally, I can't shake that horrible thought of me not deserving him, the thought of disappointing him, the thought of me keeping him from finding someone beautiful and really, I don't want him to know how torturing my mind is. If he finds out this I'm worried that he will put himself down for whatever reason.

I just don't want to lose him. I'm terrified that one day my BDD will tear us apart, as it seems to for others. Any advice, or experiences with this would be great! Should I tell him? I mean, I probably will one day. How do I even bring it up? I'm also scared that he will feel like I'm hiding it, which I guess I am but it's in his best interest. I don't want him to have to deal with this. Argh!
I won't see him in person for about a month (he's away with work) and its not really something I'd spring on him over the phone. Especially when it's adding on to the stress from work. I haven't seen him for maybe 2 months either so it's not something I'm going to drop on him when we finally get to be together again.

I don't know what to do. Some times I feel like I need to talk to someone (I'd love it to be him) I guess I'd like to know I have a shoulder to cry on (literally :/) but other times I just think no it's not fair to him. I have to deal with this but he doesn't. And of course the fear of just coming across as vain. I just want to do the right thing .

Any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance!

Sounds like he is already dealing with it best he can without the official diagnosis. If you trust him, tell him. And, do not believe that nothing can help, you can help you. In time. I am sure he is fine, but no one is perfect. I am sure he has his own concerns, perhaps even things he has not told you. Try to slow down a bit, enjoy, and focus some on him. (maybe you do but I'm just not hearing it)

He doesn't really have anything to deal with at the moment. Most of those compliments come out of nowhere, yes I do out myself down but I hold myself back and don't go on about it. He's just the sort of guy that always wants to let me know how much I mean to him.
I feel helpless. I really don't see myself ever being free of this.

To me, he is perfect. He is very open and talks to me about whatever he wants. He vents to me, he talks to me about his friends and family, he knows I'm here for him whenever he needs me. I do focus on him, he's my world how could I not? I know I have body image issues but I am pretty confident that I'm a great girlfriend (in the way I treat him). I never go a day without reminding him that I love him, without letting him know how special he is to me. I'd do anything for him, and he knows that. By what I said I can understand why you wouldn't get this from that, I make it seem like I'm constantly bugging him with this, but I honestly don't think he'd have a clue if I told him. Which adds to the "not being taken seriously" thought. He hasn't seen me at my worst, I won't let myself bring him into that. I just wanted to set that straight, I know you didn't mean it to sound insulting but I just don't want you to think that I'm that "selfish, self centered" girlfriend. He always comes first, no exception.
Thanks for replying!

Chances are you boyfriend will be thrilled and appreciative that you chose to open up to him about your disorder. It is a true honor for someone to let that secret out to their partner. I rarely show my panic attacks and anxiety to my BF, but he thanks me when I call or go to him for comfort. Before I was open about my struggles he at one point complained that I did not let him into how I felt, he didn't like that I was being secretive and possibly not trusting of him.

Every one has issues and the perfect relationship is when these can be worked on together. He's not going to hate you because he discovered this 'new side.' You're not 'damaged', he already find you perfect. You are the same person. If he loves talking and hanging out with you, he already fell in love with a BDD girl and it's not like he's gonna fall out of love. I had the same "damaged goods" fear, but revealing myself improved our relationship and I realized that even when I am depressed that never changed how he appreciated my company.

You are his girlfriend and he is going to take you seriously. He trusts you and what you have to share.

Your bf sounds much like mine, a rare find indeed! I don't know much about BDD to be honest, but I do have my own issues that range from depression GAD and OCD. I opened up with my issues rather early on and found out that he in fact had issues himself (rehab and self injury) which didn't bother me, in fact it made me feel more open to talk about my issues and him to as well, I guess the point I'm getting at is to have the courage to be upfront and honest, you never know when someone else has secrets they don't openly share until they feel the "right connection" and person to talk about it to. It could go either way, I understand that fear too, been there But if he really is the perfect guy, he will understand, not judge, respect your honesty and most of all, help you find solutions, offer to help somehow or just be that ear to listen when you're feeling down. I hope it works out in your favor, you deserve to be loved no matter how badly you may feel about yourself. He finds something in you already

THAT attitude seems to be your MAIN issue - even bigger than BDD.

Nobody is perfect - until you take the boyfriend off the pedestal and start treating him the way we treat normal, mortal humans, you won't solve anything, whether you disclose BDD or not.

Hamster, don't be such a downer. And maybe YOU took the context out of proportion. Referring to someone as perfect is a figure of speech. Especially to those who have been treated like $#!t from significant others because they have personal battles inside, it's easy to see some perfection in that person as a whole. You are right, no one is perfect, but that could have meant nothing more than just saying "he's the perfect match for me." Think outside the box for once, not everyone wants negative feedback on how they chose their words, if you can't be courteous about advice on the MAIN issue that was disclosed (not your opinion on what you think it is) then bypass the question. My bf is perfect............................................................. for me.

No, I'm with hamster on this one. This whole relationship or something sounds shallow and not based in reality. Like these 2 people are very young and not really talking to each other. If they get married, they are both in for some big surprises. If you keep such a big secret from someone, you are probably "trading" for keeping their secret. It's a dangerous game, I think is hamster's point. Like they say, if it serms too good to be true, that's because it probably is.

That I do understand Hankster, and yes, thinks that seem to good to be true usually aren't, I'm no stranger to that. I'd guess that this is a young couple just starting to feel each other out. I think her main concern is how to tell him and when more so than if she should or shouldn't. That;s just me reading the context tho. Everyone does need to figure out some things the hard way, it sucks but it's the best way to learn. If her bf can't accept her flaws then he isn't right for her, and it's better to come right out with it early on and not wait too long to say something. Sometimes wording can be taken wrong and slightly abrupt. Basically what I mean is there could have been a nicer way to share insight or advice.

Oh yeah I am often guilty of that too. A lot of people on PC, english is not their first language. Or even if it is, they are first generation americans so grew up with another language. Unfortunately that's more of an advantage for math or for learning another language, but not so much for english!

It would have qualified as a figure of speech if used once. It was used two times in a very short opening of the OP. When I quoted, I quoted both instances specifically to preempt the kind of response you posted.

There are no perfect matches, either. Nobody is perfect, AND, there are no perfect matches. Having the mentality of "there must be a perfect match for me out there" is dangerous in itself. "My bf is perfect for me" is a dangerous mentality as well.

I am not commenting on OP's choice of words; I am commenting on OP's issues as they get reflected via her choice of words - a substantial difference. Also, if someone is bleeding due to a platelet problem, but is not aware of the platelet problem and asks for bandages, I would point out the platelet problem rather than join in in the request for bandages.

There also seems to be the dynamic of OP's putting herself down as she puts the bf up, so to speak. The more she idolizes the bf, the less she feels good about herself. Getting in touch with reality on both ends (that he is a human and so is she) would help the relationship in the long run.

I am not trying to be nice. I am only trying to be effective. When something is as glaring as this, I point it out. to the extent that you are trying to approach it as a figure of speech - no, no, no, it was not a figure of speech, not only because the word perfect was repeated immediately, but also because it was accentuated with the adverb "absolutely" - the bf is "absolutely perfect". When somebody idolizes their partner that much, it catches the eye of innocent bystanders. Plus, I also went through this kind of idolization (in a completely different context and not related to BDD, OCD, etc.) so I am more keen than some other people to notice this glaring issue.

By the way, Hankster was to me as I am now to OP (less than a year ago), and no, she was not nice, neither did she mince her words, but she was, ultimately, very effective. Eventually I came to appreciate the way she phrased her posts very much. And, I am sure there were people who refrained from comment (you are advising me to refrain from commenting when you say I should bypass such posts) and... guess what... I never learned of their existence and never came to appreciate their insight.

So - effective wins over nice. Especially when the OP poster is blind.

I try to be nice. I always eff it up.

Another thing...

LMM: if you drop the concept of perfection altogether - just drop it once and for all - you would conquer the ideology that underlies BDD. I realize that BDD is a MH concern, and, as such, is very complex, but on the ideological level, BDD comes from the belief that the body is imperfect. Underlying the belief that the body is imperfect (or, that any generic thing is imperfect) is the idea that somebody else's body (or, somebody else's generic whatever) is perfect. It seems that the most direct way to deal with BDD is via realizing that people are not perfect. Again, to the extent that it is a MH disorder, it must be really complex, but as a concept, it is based on the wrongly held idea of perfection.

Wow! I wasn't expecting this many replies.
I'm going to try and wrap up everything I want to say in one (or probably two, chances are i'll post this and notice another thing I should comment on) message as opposed to various replies.

Sorry about the way I worded that, I really didn't realise you could take it that way. Pretty much, I can blab on about something very easily.. I was trying to contain myself from too much explanation. I skipped over the background info (Pretty much, the information about my boyfriend) very quickly, I didn't want to draw the attention from the situation. That probably didn't make sense... Anyway this is what I meant..

I know he's human, he has his flaws. But he is the perfect boyfriend, I don't mean what I see in the comments. My error, I should have been more clear. I mean that I couldn't have asked for more, he treats me right, he makes me happy, he can always make me smile even when don't want to. He has his imperfections, doesn't everyone? But I don't look at them as imperfections, If I had the choice I wouldn't change them.
He's real, he's down to earth. Yes, to me, he is perfect.. perfectly imperfect (for those who don't think people are perfect). Nobody's perfect, I know that.
I can't remember all the things said in the comments I read, but I remember someone saying the relationship sounded shallow. I don't know why exactly you're saying that, but when I think of shallow I automatically think about the idea of someone being with someone because of their looks as opposed to their personality. I want to point out that that's not at all true. Yes, I think he's extremely attractive, but I fell for his personality. No, it's not shallow in the thought that we don't communicate (I didn't know exactly how to word that).. We are very close and trust each other. Yes, I idolise him. No, I do not treat him like a celebrity (best way I could think to describe it). I idolise him for what he's been through, his approach towards life, his goals/priorities and the way he treats me. Is there really anything wrong with thinking your partner is just great? I like to describe my feelings and honestly I do feel that way. I see his imperfections.. he may not actually be perfect, but he's pretty damn close. I know that not everyone thinks that! But do you scrutinize a parent when they think the world of their child? I'm just using that example to say that everyone is different, and if they have someone good in their life, what's wrong with using the word 'perfect'. To the comment that said something about me having to see him as normal (sorry, I can't remember exactly!) I couldn't do that. I mean, I understand he's human, but he'll always be more than 'normal' to me. Could you think of the one you love as just 'normal'?

My last 'boyfriend' did threaten and blackmail me, so yeah, this one is pretty damn good!

I really didn't think people would take it that way, I was just trying to stress how much he means to me without going overboard with the word count!

With the bleeding platelet metaphor, are you saying you're pointing out the reason for these feelings? Are you saying he is the reason for this? I've suffered from this for years now, He's not the culprit. Yes, I put myself down and simultaniously put him up... But it's not just him.. I put myself down while I put almost everybody up!

I defiantly didn't address all points, so if I missed something big please ask again! I just wanted to make that clear.

Also, Hamster, saying that I think my boyfriend is perfect is not a bigger issue than my BDD. I've been in pain, everyday, for years. I understand you think my attidude towards it is worse then the disorder causing that attitude. I want to write down exactly what I have to say about that, but I can't it down in words! I hate when my brain doesn't want to connect with my mouth (or hands, in this case).

Anyway! I had to get that out in the open. I haven't bothered to re-read it, so sorry in advance if I made any mistakes or if it sounds harsh. I don't mean it to, and I am thankful for all of your responses. I see where you are coming from, I'm not going to hold your opinions against you. I just didn't mean it like you are portraying it. I really don't appreciate being called 'blind' though. I do take that to offense, I know I didn't choose the best wording but I don't think you should be saying that without proper clarification. I appreciate you trying to help, but I don't appreciate the way you went about it. I could deal with the first part about my wording, I just had to post and clear that up and it would be all good- no hard feelings or anything, you know? But when you made it personal enough to offend me personally, I think that was a bit too far. You mightn't agree with me, maybe no one will. But that's my opinion and that counts for something, right?

I understand what you're saying. But realistically, if it were as easy just to "drop the concept of perfection" then I wouldn't be a sufferer. I wish it were that easy.
I wrote that and then realised what you meant by
" Again, to the extent that it is a MH disorder, it must be really complex, but as a concept, it is based on the wrongly held idea of perfection. "

So I think you do know that is isn't that easy? Sorry, it just gets to me when people make comments like "Just stop thinking about that" etc. The only person i've talked to (besides a professional) is my mother and thats all I seem to get from her. She doesn't seem to understand it.

LMM: you had a bad experience with the bf who threatened you, and that experience established a really low baseline against which most people would look pretty darn perfect. You realize that, right? Your relationship, per the more verbose explanation, is certainly not shallow (I actually did not suggest that, but I read through all the posts and it was suggested). You are not singling out the bf when you "put him up" - you "put everybody around you up as well". So he is not the culprit. However, to the extent that you have a GENERAL tendency to put others up, this BF is an extreme example of your general tendency. So no, he is not the culprit, but he seems to be - currently - the locus of your general tendency. The general tendency is then the culprit. And it seems that the general tendency to extol others and put yourself down goes back in time roughly as much as your experiencing the mental pain of BDD goes back in time. Does it capture the situation?

In terms of simply stopping to think the thoughts you are thinking - I was not suggesting that you stop thinking the BDD thoughts about YOU. I was suggesting you stop extolling and idolizing OTHERS. And then, hopefully, getting a grip on BDD, but no, not stopping to think bad thoughts about yourself - I realize it is not possible. Can you work on lessening the idolization? Or not? Is idolization a necessary component of falling in love?

Thank you.. although we're not 'just starting to feel each other out' we're a bit past that. When I hear that I think of a new couple that might still be a little bit awkward when it comes to talking and sharing feelings. I don't know if that's what you mean too, but by my definition of that we are past that. We are very open with each other, and we're not a new new couple. It's just that i've only recently got an officialy diagnosis so I didn't mention it before, I didn't want to jump ahead of myself, you know?

You're right about saying it's more of a 'when and how' subject rather than a 'if'. I think he'll be able to accept it, it's more just 'when can I tell him' rather than 'when will he hear it?'. That didn't make sense.. I mean it's just a matter of when will I bring myself to begin that talk. Not because I don't trust him, not because I don't want him to know my secrets or anything. But it's because I need to make sure that I can deal with people knowing.

Thanks again

Note that all sorts of developments can happen. You may break up. You need to ensure you are trusting a person who will not divulge your sensitive information after a break-up. Not everybody can be trusted this way. It sounds like your bf is a really good guy, but just make sure. Since many relationships eventually lead to a break-up of some sort, you need to think about what will happen post that hypothetical break-up. Again, he sounds rather nice, so it is just a statement of the general advisability of being cautious.

I do agree, i've thought hard about this before. I've had close friends betray my trust before, so naturally I keep things to myself unless i'm confident that the person is trustworthy. I do trust him, and he's not the sort of person to go around spilling someones person information just because he feels like it. I mean, he's even said to me that if I did ever cheat on him (A sensitive area for most people) that he wouldn't even go off at me. He'd be hurt, he'd cry, but he'd just leave me alone without making a huge drama. No revenge, no anything.. he'd just leave me alone like I wanted (Because why would you cheat on someone if you actually did want to be with them). That was just a hypothetical conversation, we both know i'd never do that to him, I just thought it'd show that he really is a decent guy, not the sort that gets pleasure from embarressing their ex-girlfriends.
Thanks for the warning on that, I appreciate it

He does sound rather nice.

Your statement about cheating is not watertight, though. Had it been the case that people cheated because they no longer wanted to be with their original partners, then, they would have simply moved on without cheating. But his reaction to that hypothetical indeed shows that he won't divulge sensitive information, embarrass the ex gf, or do other unseemly things. So the cheating hypothetical was a good way to assess his post-break-up potential.

Would it help break the ice if you present your disclosure this way:

"Oh, I have been meaning to tell you but an opportunity has never come up. Let me then just tell you right now - I have a BDD, and am getting better already, but still occasionally have my low moments. This is just for you to be aware of - there is no goal-oriented activity expected of you."