[barx]

My husband and I are going through a very difficult time right now and I'm hoping to get through it, but I don't have much hope for change. We've been married for 12 years and we've always had issues to deal with, however there is one or two re-occurring themes that I just can't deal with anymore.

His son, who is 18, was just diagnosed with Asperger's among a few other disorders yesterday. This got me to wonder if my husband has Asperger's as well? I see the similarities in subtle ways. But does anyone know if someone with this can also be very selfish and controlling? That's what's driving us apart right now. I can't seem to get him to understand anything from my perspective. The only thing that seems reasonable for him is if I basically remove any of my own expectations and self respect. He constantly tells me that he wants to be able to talk to me and hear him, but after 12 years, I know this means he really wants his way. For example, If we've made our mind up that his son's room will be a guest room when he goes off to college, but later, the ex wife interjects and tells us to leave the room alone for a while until the son gets settled into college (which by the way, it wouldn't matter what it is as the ex always tries every way she can to undermine anything that I've done or decided) which I would usually agree except that when my daughter went off to college, within one week she no longer had a room here.. this was my husbands decision... I fought him hard on this. This tore me up inside. So my stance is, if it was good for her then, It can be good for your son too. Ok. So, my husband and I decided to make the room a guest room but now, the kid and his mom are bearing down hard on my husband. My husband comes to talk to me and I listen to him. I can tell where the conversation is headed so I cut him off and said, yes I hear you but I'm still converting it to be a guest room... My husband goes off on me and says... why can't I just be heard? I say ok I'm hearing you, but i'm not changing my mind. This really bothers my husband because my experience has been, when he says he wants to be heard, it usually means he just wants his way.

So... Does anyone have any experience with this? I am not angry. I am really trying to understand if I am being unreasonable, except, I truly feel that if I don't watch out for myself, him and his ex and son will totally walk all over me. So I don't know much if anything about Asperger's except what I reached last night but I couldn't find much on whether or not they exhibit the need for extreme control and completely out of touch with my feelings or needs..

[barx]

To add - I think my husband is so desperate to get his way that he even mentioned last night that he's afraid his son may think about suicide. His son has been a troubled little person since I met him, which was about the age of 5. He has always been extremely difficult, but he brings it on himself because he is just so obnoxious that other people just don't want to be around him. This is very sad and I really hope he doesn't harm himself, but I can't stop these people from all trying to just walk all over me. My husband is very loving to me as long as he gets his way. I want to just turn the other cheek and let them get their way, but as history has shown me, it doesn't relent. it's one thing after another.

[hamster-bamster]

It does not seem to be Asperger's. Review the DSM for Asperger's, though. But no, insisting that being heard automatically means having his way does not seem to be due to Asperger's.

I am sorry!

[manwithnofriends]

There is no evidence that Aspies share traits that make them "selfish and controlling" as far as I know - I think you're confusing Asperger's with psychopathy, which your father appears to have. I have high-functioning autism which is an ASD like Asperger's and I can tell you, I have experienced low points in my life similar to what you have described. But I don't think I have "controlling" behaviour because I've never held a position of leadership or even responsibility over other people, so...

[lostconfusedhopeles]

Yes. I have aspergers myself and i seem to try to control my surroundings, also being mean happens and usally i dont even know im being mean. Also its hard for me personnally to see other peoples perspective which can be frusterating for both me and the person. If you suspect this i think that you should sit done while things are calm and talk to him about it.

[Confusedinomicon]

Why can't it be converted to a guest room and if he has to come back just let him stay there?

His stuff can be put into storage until that time (potentially) comes up. If he -has- to move back in with you guys there is no reasonthe room can't be given back to him, right?

[barx]

Confusedinomicon - you are correct. If he comes back, of course we will make room for him. I think this is about control and defiance. He has been kicked out of the home for several months now for his defiant, disrespectful behavior, which means he has to stay full time at his mom's house rather than come here every 1,3&5 weekend. Unfortunately we finally had to do something because he increasingly defiant crossing personal boundaries and was insistent on telling us what to do in our home.

[barx]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

It does not seem to be Asperger's. Review the DSM for Asperger's, though. But no, insisting that being heard automatically means having his way does not seem to be due to Asperger's.

I am sorry!

I guess I need to be more clear. I'm trying to understand if anyone has known of an Asperger's person to be very controlling and have rigid thinking (not repetition etc. but just their view of how things should be) and extremely difficult to get to know or to have deep conversations with? I never thought much about this but for years now, it just seems strange that I still don't know who I'm married to. I feel like I'm smashed between everyone trying to control everything so much, that I feel crazy.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by barx

I guess I need to be more clear. I'm trying to understand if anyone has known of an Asperger's person to be very controlling and have rigid thinking (not repetition etc. but just their view of how things should be) and extremely difficult to get to know or to have deep conversations with? I never thought much about this but for years now, it just seems strange that I still don't know who I'm married to. I feel like I'm smashed between everyone trying to control everything so much, that I feel crazy.

I was wrong - please review Sociological and cultural aspects of autism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[barx]

Thanks Ham-bam! This is exactly my husband. I think he is definitely mind-blinded. This is one of our biggest issues! Although he doesn't admit to this, but he hardly ever (I can't remember a time in 12 yrs. being married) when he could see the destructive intentions of his ex wife. She is down right horrible to him yet the saga goes on. It's like counselors have told him to be aware of her intentions given her history and it never fails to be proven time after time and each of her attempts is worse than the one before. His inability to see this causes so much problems for us. When I try to gently mention this to him, he gets defensive. It's like he's ok with what she does to us. As if my husband can't see what the world sees.

Also, he is very emotionally disconnected. I can't connect with him and I'm usually a very personable person. A person my friends and even strangers feel comfortable talking to me about their issues... I don't solicit it, it's just being able to tell when someone is hurting and they need an ear. My husband doesn't get this. He blames me for his lack of ability to open up, yet he has been this way from the start.

There are other symptoms that I've witnessed through the years and it's all been a mystery to me because my husband is extremely successful at work, however he can't have a personal deep connection. Geez...it goes on and on. I think he's had his life to perfect the cover up of the true him.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by barx

I can't connect with him and I'm usually a very personable person. A person my friends and even strangers feel comfortable talking to me about their issues... I don't solicit it, it's just being able to tell when someone is hurting and they need an ear. My husband doesn't get this. He blames me for his lack of ability to open up, yet he has been this way from the start.

That must be extremely difficult for you. I am exactly like you - strangers in public transit open up to me and I do nothing to solicit their disclosures. I have been this way since very early on (middle school). And, it goes far beyond flirting, because elderly women would stop me to tell me about their concerns. The ability seems to be innate. I also read faces very well (I am sure you know what I mean - all those rich subtleties of facial expressions, slight grimacing, etc.), and, further, remember facial expressions years or decades after the conversations took place. I think it is an ability rather than a skill, which is why your husband does not get it - he lacks the ability.

What is worrisome is his blaming YOU. I have dated (dinners and light kisses) a very nice Asperger's guy (+he has depression, too) and am not dating him now just due to being overwhelmed with other things, but I plan to get together with him in August. So - he is worried about how he is perceived and whether he responds to social signals properly. He knows that he has this issue and is worried, and your husband is sort of the exact polar opposite - he is not worried, but is blaming his wife.

[barx]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

That must be extremely difficult for you. I am exactly like you - strangers in public transit open up to me and I do nothing to solicit their disclosures. I have been this way since very early on (middle school). And, it goes far beyond flirting, because elderly women would stop me to tell me about their concerns. The ability seems to be innate. I also read faces very well (I am sure you know what I mean - all those rich subtleties of facial expressions, slight grimacing, etc.), and, further, remember facial expressions years or decades after the conversations took place. I think it is an ability rather than a skill, which is why your husband does not get it - he lacks the ability.

What is worrisome is his blaming YOU. I have dated (dinners and light kisses) a very nice Asperger's guy (+he has depression, too) and am not dating him now just due to being overwhelmed with other things, but I plan to get together with him in August. So - he is worried about how he is perceived and whether he responds to social signals properly. He knows that he has this issue and is worried, and your husband is sort of the exact polar opposite - he is not worried, but is blaming his wife.

OMG! You and I are a lot alike... I get exactly what you are saying. I get approached and have been told many times by my friends and by strangers that I'm just a very approachable person. And... I too can pick up on very subtle aspects of communication which leads me to be able to interpret a lot before it even happens.

Yea.. it bothers me that my husband blames me. It makes me feel crazy at times. The thing is, I think I can see right through him and what he's going to do before he does (mainly when it will negatively impact me) but I will never get him to admit any shortcomings on his end. Oh, I will get the casual.. "I'm sure I do this or that", you know the very generic admittance, but nothing of real substance. The interesting thing is, is that he sees how intuitive I am and how typically I'm well received by people and my friends. He acknowledges that and I guess admires it a little, but he refuses to admit that I know or understand him at all.

By the way... you are far better at expressing yourself than I am. It's like I know in my mind what I want to say and it makes sense, but I can't usually put it down in logical order to make sense...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by barx

The interesting thing is, is that he sees how intuitive I am and how typically I'm well received by people and my friends. He acknowledges that and I guess admires it a little, but he refuses to admit that I know or understand him at all.

By the way... you are far better at expressing yourself than I am. It's like I know in my mind what I want to say and it makes sense, but I can't usually put it down in logical order to make sense...

I think you are putting it down in logical order when you call yourself intuitive, because it is the right, most salient keyword.

Excuse this long explanation, because I hope it would make sense to you:

I got that from one of the books by Agatha Christie (I read a ton of them when I was a teen, and basically owe my English fluency to Agatha Christie - her books were so captivating that I read through one book after another, guessing the meaning of unfamiliar words from the context well enough, which gave me a sense of command of the language).

Hercule Poirot, the brilliant detective, explains what intuition is.

Intuition is completely materialistic, per his explanation, and there is no magic about it.

It is just something that the person who intuits cannot articulate. But still no magic.

His example was related to telling if a painting is fake. So, he explained, a true expert can tell from just looking. But there is no magic - a true expert has internalized a myriad objective ways to assess a painting, to the point of that being the expert's second nature. And, the process of assessment happens very fast, bypassing conscious awareness. But still no magic - it is just that the assessment occurs very fast and without conscious awareness, but still there are objective underlying factors. So, per Agatha Christie, intuition is a result of having amassed knowledge and internalized it so much that you stop being consciously aware of that knowledge.

So to me a gut instinct is the same thing - it is a reaction to objective things that happens too fast to be registered consciously. But still entirely objective with no magic.

Sounds a bit like you - you cannot articulate what is happening, but you are still able to have lots of insight into others.

It is interesting how your husband basically treats himself as a one-of-a-kind specimen, in that he acknowledges and even admires your intuition as you perceive any human... OTHER THAN HIM!

Back to intuition - one still has to have the ability to interpret cues. If you have the ability, then the rest seems to be just amassing more and more information in your subconscious.

[healingme4me]

You mentioned, that when your daughter moved out to college, her room was converted to a guest room. And now, when it's his son's turn, this is not being accepted by your husband, and why is this even an issue for the ex wife? Did your stepson's therapist find out about the s. ideation, mentioned by your h?

In my opinion, what is good for the goose, needs to also be good for the gander. What's fair is fair.

Hamster gave good guidance, as to trying to sort out what lies behind your h's stance. More importantly, your needs are addressed in all this.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

You mentioned, that when your daughter moved out to college, her room was converted to a guest room. And now, when it's his son's turn, this is not being accepted by your husband, and why is this even an issue for the ex wife?

Exactly! Why does the EX wife get to decide how Barx uses the bedrooms in HER house!

This is so unusual - the Husband does not give any credit to his current wife while letting his EX wife run his life.

[barx]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I think you are putting it down in logical order when you call yourself intuitive, because it is the right, most salient keyword.

Excuse this long explanation, because I hope it would make sense to you:

I got that from one of the books by Agatha Christie (I read a ton of them when I was a teen, and basically owe my English fluency to Agatha Christie - her books were so captivating that I read through one book after another, guessing unfamiliar words from the context).

Hercule Poirot, the brilliant detective, explains what intuition is.

Intuition is completely materialistic, per his explanation, and there is no magic about it.

It is just something that the person who intuits cannot articulate. But still no magic.

His example was related to telling if a painting is fake. So, he explained, a true expert can tell from just looking. But there is no magic - a true expert has internalized a myriad objective ways to assess a painting, to the point of that being the expert's second nature. And, the process of assessment happens very fast, bypassing conscious awareness. But still no magic - it is just that the assessment occurs very fast and without conscious awareness, but still there are objective underlying factors. So, per Agatha Christie, intuition is a result of having amassed knowledge and internalized it so much that you stop being consciously aware of that knowledge.

So to me a gut instinct is the same thing - it is a reaction to objective things that happens too fast to be registered consciously. But still entirely objective with no magic.

Sounds a bit like you - you cannot articulate what is happening, but you are still able to have lots of insight into others.

It is interesting how your husband basically treats himself as a one-of-a-kind specimen, in that he acknowledges and even admires your intuition as you perceive any human... OTHER THAN HIM!

Back to intuition - one still has to have the ability to interpret cues. If you have the ability, then the rest seems to be just amassing more and more information in your subconscious.

Thanks! It makes complete sense to me.

[barx]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

You mentioned, that when your daughter moved out to college, her room was converted to a guest room. And now, when it's his son's turn, this is not being accepted by your husband, and why is this even an issue for the ex wife? Did your stepson's therapist find out about the s. ideation, mentioned by your h?

In my opinion, what is good for the goose, needs to also be good for the gander. What's fair is fair.

Hamster gave good guidance, as to trying to sort out what lies behind your h's stance. More importantly, your needs are addressed in all this.

Yes, my daughter's room was converted and I have no idea why it's any of his ex-wife's business. Apparently the s is having a lot of distress about moving off to college in a few weeks. My husband and I don't think he's ready to go off, but he wants to. However, our home was never his primary residence and his room at his mom's home remains in tact... so... because we've had a lot of defiant control issues with the son, it's my opinion that he is just wanting to "win" this battle at all cost. He is a bit OCD and when he feels "wronged" he will do whatever to get his way. In this case, he still feels like he can win this battle and with the help of his mom, it's basically in the "bag" so to speak. I can't control his ex. only my husband can control her by not allowing her to control him through their son and guilt.

[hamster-bamster]

The son is almost like a Trojan Horse implanted by his mom in your house.

[BonnieG2010]

I have an Aspie friend and he is the first to admit that he's going to have physical things around him in his old special way or it really does something to his personal well-being. So concerning the room of an Asperger guy i guess it is not exactly the same as a non-asperger.

I encourage you to find informations about Aspergers, because when people doesn't know how to make correct contact with people, they decide that saying always yes is the best thing they could do.
But every pathology needs to be handled in the proper way, neither too harsh, nor too sweet.
So maybe your husband and you can seek information together of what is appropriate to do with an Asperger child and what is not?