Remaining friends after rejecting someone you care for

Hi

I've recently rejected (as in 1 week ago) a lovely female friends romantic interests in me. Although i haven’t known her for too long we get on like a house on fire and she is a very beautiful person. However, physically I’m not drawn to her in that way. I can't help it.

For the past month we ended up talking on the phone all the time and texting etc.

I met her for a drink and she expressed her romantic interest in me. It was awful rejecting her . We decided to continue being friends.

However she has been really sad hurt and teary the past few days. I'm not sure what to do? I have a mix of emotions especially guilt, i feel emotionally 'in love' but not physically due to us having made a connection talking on phone for 2 months, feeling down myself and also hurting because she's hurting. Do i hold back from contacting her? I have no clue how long these kind of things take to heal over. I would be so gutted if we drifted apart because of this Any good advice appreciated.
We were talking on phone a lot last night and ended up discussing what had happened when we met. I think that was a really bad move. It feels like re living the rejection! But the horrible twist is that she now seems to have closed off, signs of moving on, and is coping with it better and I’m now hurting because we’d built an emotional attachment when talking for past 2 months and now it feels like a 'break up' in a weird way. Just want this pain to end.

Any advice would be amazing

I know you're hurting and it's to be expected...emotional attachment is nearly always more powerful than physical (in my experiance). She's probably only trying to detach herself from her expectations of what she hoped could 'be'...not from you. Let her find her equilibreum and remember, being honest with her was the kindest thing you could have done. Let her take the lead, contact wise, and take your time. I wish I could be more helpful, but at least I have experiance with this situation.

She may be pulling away as a way to deal with the grief she feels from the rejection. Sometimes it is hard to remain friends when one has romanitic feelings and the other one doesn't. She may need you to let her go, so she can move on and find some who can give her what you can't. It may be that after the rejection heals you can remain friends but it's pretty rare. Sorry to be so discouraging.
Gayle

Thankyou so much. I guess i hate the feeling of her drifting.Makes me feel empty and in a strange way angry at her.

Thank you. Maybe you're right, and i need to let her go. It's heart wrenching seen as we had a deep emotional bond and i know alot about her past hurts. I think today for the first time in a week, i sensed a distance in her communication. I'm tempted to cling on for dear life.Feel a panic rising, knowing that she's going. I keep playing pretend that it's fine and nothing is going on underneath the surface i,e we are drifting apart.So sad.

If you feel such a deep emotional bond with her, but do not feel physically drawn to her, you could try being physically intimate and see if you can develop the feeling of being drawn to her. I started my current relationship in Nov of last year without being drawn to a person but simply because he was so nice, and now I feel quite good about the sex.

Of course, I am a woman, so I do not have to have an erection to proceed... a big difference. But, just a thought - to me, if you have a negative sexual experience, then it is the end, but if you start off as neutral (you are not put off by her, right? you are neutral), then, positive things can be built on top of that neutrality.

If you go that route, make sure you explain yourself, so that she is not being mis-led.

Hey thanks for your in put. I think it may be different for most men, i'm not sure, but if i'm not turned on sexually by someone, then it's very hard for me to be intimate. I am turned off by her in the sense that i don't think i could imagine myself being sexual with her

OK - I was just checking .

I can only speak from personal experience, but when I was the girl in this situation, I just wanted to be left alone for a while and to have that need for space understood. When this space was given to me, I was able to move on and become friends with the guy again...it may take a while, but in my opinion, a healthy friendship can't happen until she moves on from these feelings.

Also, while she is moving on, if you start dating someone else, for goodness sakes don't rub it in her face. I'm not saying don't date until she's over you—that's not realistic—just if you can help it, try to not let her know that you're dating someone else. Maybe that's not realistic either...

thanks. no we already agreed not to discuss any other potentiol dates we have. I would never do that it would kill her.

You may need to wait until she has moved on with another man to recapture the friendship. Or just separate for a few months and see if you can reconnect as friends later on.

Sometimes, if a woman really loves you, she may never be able to see you as just a friend. In that case, you'll have to let her go.

Another thought, I think Hamster-Bamster had a good suggestion to "try it" and see if you like it. You said yourself that emotionally you two are like a "house on fire"! That's pretty exciting to me. When you kiss someone you're emotionally attracted to, it can definitely ignite flames you may never know you had. It may be a "different" kind of love for you. Perhaps a more mature kind. Maybe you're not ready for that yet and still want to play the field more, which is o.k. too. It sounds like you just don't want to lose her while your "playing around". Maybe you could keep in contact through email or an occasional phone call. However, the conversations will have to be kept to a minimum to allow for a separation period.

Oh good. I didn't think you were that type of guy...but you would be surprised at how many of those types there are out there so I felt the need to say it. Anyway, good luck!

To pick up on this thought...

...everywhere I read that sexuality is fluid as in "a continuum between gay and straight". I personally do not belong on the continuum, because much as I try to get attracted to women "that way", I cannot. But I can see a different continuum, a different type of fluidity in which I can believe because I have experienced it personally. I think Sadendings (a lovely name... count me in on sad endings as well ...) pointed you in that direction. So OK you are not attracted "that way" - you probably mean that you, say, do not get hard when you think of her... but have you tried kissing her - MAYBE it would ignite flames... as Sad... wrote "you may never know you had" (well said! beautifully put!). The thing is, unless you try and allow yourself to just feel whatever you feel, being open and not labeling/defining what you might feel before you feel.. not pre-defining anything... and then you may see...

Again, as long as she knows what the two of you are doing... and is not being mis-led (but you won't mislead her since as I.Am.The.End noted that you are "not that kind of guy" - it is interesting that people posting on your thread have the word "end" in their usernames...), she might even appreciate your trying EVEN if you do not end up igniting flames. But she might still appreciate your attempt, for it shows that you have tried.

Thank you Hamster-Bamster for all your kind compliments. You made me feel pretty good tonight and I appreciate that!

I speak to you from having experienced myself going out with a guy, not particularly good looking but we hit it off in conversation. As time passed, and I grew to like him more, when we finally kissed, I was somewhat surprised how good it was. We definitely had chemistry. It did not work out in the end (there's that word again ) but we had some really good times and good memories to look back on.

PS: I chose Sadendings because so many of my relationships end that way.

Thanks so much for your replies.

Update: We are currently still talking 'as friends', pretty much everyday. However, the past 2 days i have started to sense a funny awkwardness with in me and also when i talk to her. It's as if we don't have as much in common anymore sometimes. Like we are now forcing a friendship. I find that strange as we always have so many topics to talk about. It's almost as if we are trying to find some sort of balance. It FEELS like we need to cut contact for while or space things out. I think we are both scared underneath and not saying anything because we feel that we will drift and that would be the end of the connection. It's a bit of a mess tbh .She is going away in 2 weeks for a month, maybe which will be the break. Either way it really hurts to think we will not be friends.

As for your comments on trying it even though i'm not physically attracted, i still feel this would be dangerous. She is pretty smitten with me and i believe that this would make her fall head over heals with me. I would feel unfair then making a decision to cut it off 4 weeks down the line after sexual contact. I think it would really hurt her and me more. Also, physical attraction is nearly as important as emotional for me. I would feel I’m cheating myself out of what i deserve physically. I don't mean just sex per se, but the whole chemistry that comes with physical attraction.

No i am not like that for sure lol I would not like someone doing it to me, so i would not do it to another person

I personally would let this one go.

I recently ended a toxic friendship that had caused me more pain then anything else for well over a year. There were no sexual feelings involved on either side, but this person just didn't have the courage to say they couldn't appreciate me as well as my sickness. It got to the point that they were only decent towards me when I was in a better place and I grew weary of giving my utmost to them and not getting the same treatment in return.

The point in telling you all this is that i feel an imbalance of expectations in a friendship causes nothing but trouble - she wanted more from you then you could give, you're now compounding her frustration with your guilt and the result is that you're now just acting friends, instead I would imagine, really feeling it.

What you do from here is up to you but maybe an important lesson for the future, would be to somehow broach what you want from that person earlier on in your friendship. Even if they do still develop feelings for you the ball is in their court as to how to proceed, they might cut off their friendship with you one way or another but --- at least you won't have wasted time or endured potentially more heartache.

Just my two cents. All the best.

Thank you for your input. We were good friends before all this. But it now seems like we are starting from scratch. A strange fear and anxiety has set in me that says 'are we really friends?' 'maybe we are just pretending to be friends now'.

However i have to say i am not doing any of this deliberately to lead her on or play with her mind. It's just as confusing for me.

I totally agree, I’ve learnt my lesson the hard way, in future i would make VERY clear boundaries that i am only a friend and keep bringing that up to keep marking the boundary.

I think I am in the same position as you are, and there's always advice to people who got dumped instead of the people who do the rejecting. I'm a girl though, but the situation should be the same.

Rejecters also feel guilt and remorse, and it's not their fault they don't feel the same way for the other person who likes them. Personally I would give her space to move on a little, because you can't lead her on. I didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings so i decided to try it out, and it was my very first relationship, and both of us just got hurt, when I rejected him for the second time, so they'll think you lied to them, when in fact, you didn't, and then you end up losing someone you really care about. Don't end up the same way. We're friends now though.

Don't suddenly ignore her, and maybe you could just say both of you guys need a little time and space to sort this complication out a bit. And then when she decides to contact you because she missed you, (or smth else) perhaps the door to friendship might open again, a genuine one.

Try to be friends first and see where it leads. I hope this helps, and I apologise for the lengthy post.

Why is it so important to you to remain friends when it would cause her pain? The cost to her is greater than the cost to you, but you keep trying to inflate your cost or your importance or your worth over hers. It's as if you want her to prove something to you. That is not friendship, that is trying to control her. Find yourself another friend.

Hey, no need to apologize. Your input was very useful . I appreciate it. Yes, we both are trying to be friends. We decided that this way was best where we try not to focus on what happened. However, i don't think it's working. I guess one of us is going to have to say something like 'we need space, because it doesn't feel like a f'ship or something along those lines. I find it really hard to say this because it feels like a double rejection. I guess we should have said this right at the start, but she was adamant that we carry on talking and be 'friends'. I don't think this is working now. Also, i have to be honest i like her personality alot and have an emotional bond, so i probably have fears of losing her as an emotional friend as much as she has fears of losing me, but in a different way now.Ugh, hate r'ships/dating etc!

I'm glad i was of help!! You're most welcome!

Don't worry about losing her. You never completely lose someone with whom you have an emotional bond with. Cause, as cheesy as this sounds, your bond with her will last in both of your hearts, since well, it's emotional, and not physical.

One day I believe both of you will find the person you are attracted to both physically and mentally, and think of it this way, the more you don't want to lose her, to more pain you are causing for her and yourself, and trust me, the road ahead will not be pleasant if you continue like this, and the path to friendship might be too late to save. Better to have no contact, just temporarily.

And then, do some self-improvements instead of moping about it, and try to move on. I know you like her a lot, and so do I for my case, but you can't keep her waiting for you forever right?

Yeah, i hate relationships too. But hey, can't live without 'em who knows, one day you'll wish you never said that once you find the right one. Good luck!