[Rhapsody]

Ok - not really sure where I am going with what I am about to write tonight, but I feel the need to release - I need an outlet....... for I feel stuck.

Sigh! Breath! Sigh!
As many of you already know on here I have been thru some really bad sexual abuse as a child, it started at age 2 and continued until I was 12 years old, and then I had to deal with sexual abuse happening again as a young adult. And I have had to deal with my husband cheating on me once before we married and with him being an out right womanizer in public and with him having a ten year battle with porn during our marriage, that which only lead to his rejection of me during his struggle. And of course their is the issue of my dad leaving ME, my mom and our family for a younger woman..... the baby sitter (he cheated often and was never around or worth trusting.

And then I had to cope with the coming of age with my first son and his temptation to lust after women and to look at porn on the computer...... he has since grown up a lot and does not do the looking / lusting stuff on the computer..... but he still like the girls - (smiles, as he should at 21).

NOW!! - I am beside myself after living 40 years, most of my life with sexually perverted males and their porn filled lusting mind and eyes..... why am I beside myself you ask? - because now I am starting the battle again with my 16 yr old son, and I am not as strong as I once was emotional, as to handle this matter, but again.
I have come across sexually explicit pictures in my sons room (for the 2nd time) - and I am just not sure that I can handle it all...... I am tired of fighting against a battle of the eyes - that which a lot of guys naturally come to due to how our society has made this trash so easily to get to and to view.

I have talked to my husband about what I found and where I think our son got the material from - the same place he got the first ones from - his best friends house... and I have let my husband know that I greatly need his help and support here, for I personally do not have the energy or strength to go at this alone. I told him that I think after being a dad for 22 years that it is about time that he has a sex talk with his son.... I usually do all the talking to them about any thing and everything, but I feel they need a male POV this time around and that maybe my husband can finally open up with his sons and let them in on the struggle and harm that his lustful eyes / mind created for him, our marriage and the love we hold for one another.

I am really trying to remain sane here and to not let my own inner wounds in this area control me..... that is why I have talked to my husband and why I am releasing it all to my good PC Friends - to remain calm and present as I deal with my son and the matter at hand.

Beside not letting our son go back over to his friends house for we found out that his mother does not have any guards or protection on their home computer and that they have been viewing porn while over there, hence were the latest nude pictures came from, we are still trying to come up with a consequence that fits the crime..... all that we can think of is to take his computer time and video games away from him for either one or two weeks and to have him do extra chores around the house during this time.
And - we are going to have his friend over to the house and set them both down and have a talk with them about all of this.
....... WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK ABOUT THIS? - is it fair or not enough?

I need help from all of my friends for I am drained and I fear my insanity in the week to come for that darn PMDD that haunts me so during my monthly period if just around the corner..... I can feel its pull all ready.

* * * * * * * *

HELP!! HELP!! HELP!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[zombiette]

hey,
i'm not a parent, but i have to say i think the idea of talking to ur son and his friend together sounds good...it's not to unusual for teenage guys to look at porn (i've got an 18 y.o. brother, he went thru a phase a bit like that a couple of years ago, but my parents just ignored it, so it's good that ur planning to talk to ur son) but i can understand how u'd find it disturbing!

[alisandria]

As a parent, I don't think you have the right to sit his friend down and talk to him about this. It's not your place without the consent of his parent's first. As good as your intentions are, I feel it's not your place to do so with this kid. With your son, yes.

I think, telling the friend that you do not condone this type of behavior is well within your rights, but anything more than that-that's his parent's job and their rights.

As a parent, I think I would ask my child what the draw is? Is this just curiosity? Even girls go through that type of stage. Especially via the comp. Most often than not it's just curiosity of the human body, something they don't very easily get to "check out" in person.

I don't condone that type of behavior either, and I have explained this with my daughter in her teens (I found out some of the kids were looking at stuff I didn't think they should either). I put the ka-bosh to it on my comp!!! I had a nice, open, nonjudgemental heart-to-heart with my daughter about it all too (along with the legalities of being an underage viewer).

To them it was more the curiosity factor, and it ended once they were caught.

G'luck with this (((phaps)))

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
zombiette said:
hey,
i'm not a parent, but i have to say i think the idea of talking to ur son and his friend together sounds good...it's not to unusual for teenage guys to look at porn (i've got an 18 y.o. brother, he went thru a phase a bit like that a couple of years ago, but my parents just ignored it, so it's good that ur planning to talk to ur son) but i can understand how u'd find it disturbing!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks for the reply........ we are going to talk with them this coming week (and) I find it upsetting (not disturbing) for if you read through my first post carefully you will see that I havealready gone thru a porn addiction struggle with my husband and it almost destroyed our marriageand his ability to see me as beautiful after all that his eyes had seen - and his looking started as an innocent teen boy finding his dads porn, plus I find porn viewing upsetting due to my own sexual abuse issues, for all four men had a porn problem which lead to them acting it out on me.

Porn is not as innocent and non-harmful to others as many people want or wish to believe, it is just an excuse for a cheap thrill of the eyes and sexual excitement to the physical body without a personal commitment to any one.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
alisandria said:
As a parent, I don't think you have the right to sit his friend down and talk to him about this. It's not your place without the consent of his parent's first. As good as your intentions are, I feel it's not your place to do so with this kid. With your son, yes.

I think, telling the friend that you do not condone this type of behavior is well within your rights, but anything more than that-that's his parent's job and their rights.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


Thanks for the reply and while I respect your right to your opinion I have to say that I disagree with me not having the right to talk to my son & his best friend together....... for my son is being exposed to this smut while over at his friends house, and YES they already know how my husband and I feel about this stuff.
BTW - this friend is not just a passing friend..... these two boys have been best friends since 2nd grade (in 11th grade now) and this friend is more like an adopted son to our family.... he spends almost every weekend at our house. His mom is a single parent of four kids and his dad is not in his life..... he looks to my husband for his male role model, and he uses the porn to help self medicate his wounds.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

Food for Thought -

* * * * * * * * *

A little F&Q from this site.... LINK: http://www.sexaddict.com/

FAQ's: Sex Addiction

1. WHAT IS SEX ADDICTION?

Sex addiction is a way some people medicate their feelings and/or cope with their stresses to the degree that their sexual behavior becomes their major coping mechanism for stresses in their life. The individual often can not stop this sexual behavior for any great length of time by themselves. The sex addict spends a lot of time in the pursuit of his or her sexual behavior/fantasy or they may have a binge of sexual behaviors.

2. WHY DO PEOPLE BECOME SEXUALLY ADDICTED?

This is different for every sex addict but generally speaking there are biological, psychological, and spiritual reasons. The following is a short explanation of each reason why someone can become a sex addict. The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain. Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a substance, the early addict finds the sex medicine usually before alcohol or drugs. Spiritually, a person is filling up the God hole in them with their sexual addiction. The addiction is their spirituality, it comforts them, celebrates them and is always available and present. Then there is the sex addict who can be two or even three of the above reasons. This is why a specialist in sex addiction is the best route for recovery with sex addiction.

* * * * * * * * **

[Twigkat]

Hey Rhapsody

I can almost feel your pain, based on your own background - and perhaps (even tho I don't know you in the physical sense) - even understand to a degree.

It sounds like you are worried about several things - history possibly repeating itself, fears that your son will turn out as your husband did and perhaps damage his own future - as yet unknown.

It may be that you need to lay some of your own fears and worries to one side, as they are yours, not your sons - certainly a man to man chat will possibly help, and perhaps a chat from you to your son (how much does he know about what you experienced - there could be a limit to what you want him to know).

You've looked up the sites on sex addiction so you have knowledge on the subject - but doesn't necessarily mean he will go the way you might anticipate. Perhaps the important thing is for him to know he is loved and accepted for who he is, and try to lead him to an understanding of what can happen at times....

it's always hard being a parent!

Take care

Tx

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Twigkat said:
You've looked up the sites on sex addiction so you have knowledge on the subject - but doesn't necessarily mean he will go the way you might anticipate. Perhaps the important thing is for him to know he is loved and accepted for who he is, and try to lead him to an understanding of what can happen at times....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks for the reply..... My first post was not written so much because I am afraid of what my son might become if he continues to look at porn (even though the thoughts are there in me), but it was rather a release from all that is inside of me on this subject based on my own past sexual abuse and the porn issue with my husband..... I wrote what I did out of need to VENT so that I could deal with this matter based on my son only and not from my own inner fears / wounds.
AND - to see what the other adults felt about the consequences that my husband and I have came up with concerning the issue at hand.... for this is the second time that my son has brought porn home with him from his friends house, and we have talked to him about the matter after the first time - but now we feel that some actions needs to be taken to get our point across.

I am still waiting to hear back from any one that wishes to share what they think about the consequences we have decided to set into action.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[LMo]

Devil's Advocate here, just as food for thought. Let's say that the situation were slightly reversed, and the friend's parents decided to have a "talk" about "morals" with YOUR son. But, let's say that the "moral" that they wanted to push was about something you didn't believe in... perhaps his parents believed that looking at porn is okay and normal. Would you want them having this kind of conversation with YOUR son?

I agree that it makes sense to discuss your personal values with your son and let him know what you expect of him. But, I also agree with the others that it is not your place to do the same with his friend.

The best way you can influence your son and his friend is by providing a positive example yourself, by not being judgemental or implying that they should feel guilty, and by showing with your behavior that you are open to discussing "values" in a way that considers other points of view.

I'm sorry you're going through this, Rhapsody. I know that this is a very sensitive issue for you and I wish that your husband and sons would behave in a way that doesn't trigger you.

Thinking of you, ((( Rhapsody ))),
LMo

(ps - I'm going to be offline for the rest of the morning/afternoon and possibly until Sunday evening, so please don't be upset if you reply and don't hear back from me right away. Thanks)

[Twigkat]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rhapsody said:
Thanks for the reply..... My first post was not written so much because I am afraid of what my son might become if he continues to look at porn (even though the thoughts are there in me), but it was rather a release from all that is inside of me on this subject based on my own past sexual abuse and the porn issue with my husband..... I wrote what I did out of need to VENT so that I could deal with this matter based on my son only and not from my own inner fears / wounds.
AND - to see what the other adults felt about the consequences that my husband and I have came up with concerning the issue at hand.... for this is the second time that my son has brought porn home with him from his friends house, and we have talked to him about the matter after the first time - but now we feel that some actions needs to be taken to get our point across.

I am still waiting to hear back from any one that wishes to share what they think about the consequences we have decided to set into action.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, sorry - I did appreciate that, sorry if I appeared to misunderstand in my post.

I guess my take would be not necessarily to "ban" everything (doing thus would perhaps force him underground - this is what teenagers commonly do).

Education is what is required more than anything... but it's easy to say and less easy to push home... sorry I'm not much help!

Txx

[Perna]

I'm not big on children having their own computers anymore than I am on children having TVs in their rooms, etc. I know kids need computers to do their homework on these days but I'd be right there in the room with them (den/family room) reading or working on something myself or there would be trips to the library to do homework after school.

That being said, I'd call and have a conversation with the friend's mother first, tell her what you have found and your thoughts on it and that I'd like to sit my husband and myself down with the boys and would appreciate if I could make an "appointment" for her to come over and join us and then I would have a conversation with the boys (or just my son if the friend's mom was not on board), not a "talking to" and see what he says and feels and ask what he thought the punishment should be, etc. I'd definately get the computer out of his private space, tell him it was a trust issue about using his head and that when I thought he'd shown me he was more mature I'd think about allowing it back in his room but for the rest of this school year he could just do his homework in your presence or the library and I'd make sure I understood what was happening at the friend's house with the Mom (suggest how to filter/lock the computer), trying not to ban visiting if possible and keeping in touch so the boys don't just abandon the friend's house for another like that setup.

[eoghan]

i went through a phase like that not too long ago. around the age of 16 aswell. now that i think about it it is very worrying how easy it is to get hold of such things. i think it would be a great idea to talk to your son about it. my parents didnt talk to me about it. all they really did was shout at me and ban it. which made things worse. but after a little bit i just wasnt bothered with it anymore which happens to a lot of people.
im not too sure it would be a good idea to talk to your sons friend as this could get you on bad terms with his parents. but as to talking to your son please do. my phase would have stopped earlier if my parents had sat me down and talked to me in an adult manner about it.
i hope everything goes well for you and your son realises he doesnt need these things to enjoy life to the full.
good luck with everything,
eoghan

[cracking_up]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rhapsody said:

Beside not letting our son go back over to his friends house for we found out that his mother does not have any guards or protection on their home computer and that they have been viewing porn while over there, hence were the latest nude pictures came from, we are still trying to come up with a consequence that fits the crime..... all that we can think of is to take his computer time and video games away from him for either one or two weeks and to have him do extra chores around the house during this time.
And - we are going to have his friend over to the house and set them both down and have a talk with them about all of this.
....... WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK ABOUT THIS? - is it fair or not enough?

(((((Rhapsody))))))

I agree with talking to your son, and I think at this point, limiting his computer and video game time is a good thing. Also, does he have another adult male role model he can discuss this with? I know that when I was a teenager, it helped to have someone besides a parent figure to discuss the big things with. I also remember thinking as a teenager that my parents were "mean", and just didn't want me to have any freedom, but now that I'm an adult, I'm grateful for a lot of the boundaries that were put on me. And think also of your older son, you obviously got through to him, you will probably get through to your younger son as well. Good luck to you!
Cracky

[LMo]

Cracky's idea is really, REALLY good...

[Numbers]

Hi

I just want to say that I think sitting down and talking with both of them is a realy good idea. If I were the friend I think I would feel best about you saying it right to me instead of hearing you were displeased with me elsewhere. Better getting it all out in the open then.

I know how bad I feel when other kids parents tell their kids they don't like my behaviour. And even if it is a touchy subject i think it's a good idea to say what you think about it.

I don't know how boys feel but maybe it would be good if your husband talked with them a little by himself, personally I would feel very uncomfortable having a man talking to me about these things.

[JustAPixie]

((((((((( Rhapsody )))))))))

I think your punishment is a good idea... you can't let it slipped by because then they will just do it again...

[Rhapsody]

Thanks to ALL the replied to my post...... my husband and I have talked to our son and his friend is going to be coming over next weekend to spend a few nights and we will be taking this subject up with both of them at that time.
I am glad that I got to release my inner feelings with all of my friends here on PC, so now I can take care of the matter with what is going on in the present and not from my wounded past.


Thanks A Million......... ((( hugs )))
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[(JD)]

I'm coming in late on this discussion, but I still have my opinion.

Rhapsody, I think the discussion with your husband and your son and his friend is an excellent idea. Make sure you keep it educational and not demeaning. I think you know how to do that, and why it needs to be that way, considering what your background in this area is.

Young men that age DO think about girls and sex and all that, of course! Their hormones are going 100 mph. I support you in that it IS NOT good for them to be using the porn in any form, to satiate their desires. You've stated, and know, all those reasons, and I agree.

If you have a faith, then certainly include that, as God has a definite opinion about this. Young men need to know that God does weigh in on how they mature, also.

I wouldn't allow the computer in a bedroom. Not at that age even. (Sorry folks, parents need to know what teens are doing on the computer.)

What I would suggest is to create a list of options (you and your spouse decide what choices you will give) to offer your son (and his friend, if applicable.) This way, you are helping them learn to discuss things as adults, yet accepting the fact that they aren't adults just yet.
In all of life there are options, there are choices. Being mature means making the better choices.

What do you think?

[Rhapsody]

Thanks Sky..... and yes I agree, one should never make another feel bad or degraded when talking with them about a problem.

We let our son know that it was normal for him to be attracted to the opposite sex and that love and love making will we wonderful with the lady he finally falls in love with and marries, but that he needs to control his desires and lustful ways as to not create problems that him and his wife might have to deal with later on in their own marriage.... IF his looking was to go past the norm and lead into a sexual addiction - my husband and I even shared some of our struggles and pain that was created due to porn and lusting.

My son was very comfortable with our talk with him on sex & porn, for we have always had the door open to any thing and every thing that needs to be talked about in our house, and all without condemnation.
He says that he understands that we care about him and that we are not trying to keep any thing from him, but rather that we are trying to help him have a better life and loving trusting marriage one day.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[domino]

Hi Rhapsody

I just found out last week that my son watched a porn film. It came out while we were having our dinner because we were talking about relationships. There was a TV discussion the night before and one of the questions the TV presenter asked was "is France becoming pornographic"? On radio stations in the morning they are always talking about relationships but in a pornographic way, so I said to my children that this sort of pornographic language is not real love. To that the kids replied "yes mum we know porn film are not real love" so I asked them if they had watched one and they said yes, by mistake a friend brought a film which he downloaded from the net, when they had put it on it ended up being a porn film but with the same title as the original film, which was just an ordinary film. I was shocked. Especially my youngest boy is 16. I am so afraid sometimes. On the news here we often here about girls being caught in collective rape. That's what it's called. It often happens to people that do not have a dialogue at home with the parents. I think it's really very important that you talk with your son about it. If he's friend is at your place then you could always tell him that he can do what he likes in his house but he should not impose on your son to watch porn. If his parents let him watch them then that's fine but no way should he get your son involved in this. It's not always easy to know what our children get up but we have to do our best to protect them. I think your doing everything you can Rhapsody but there is a limit and your son will just have to try to be responsable of his actions. He is probably a lovely boy who is someone responsable and it's probably just curiosity. I wish I could help you more Rhapsody.

Have faith

Love
Domino

[cracking_up]

Kudos to you for having a great, open relationship with your son! Not always an easy road!