32 weeks pregnant .......relationship over??

I am so sorry you are not getting answers or closure either. It sounds like the best you can get out of his parents is that he is depressed so they may not know his real reasoning either.

Men "running from responsibility" leaving women to single parent has been a huge problem, so it isn't just "you" being challenged with this. I think many males in our society don't have a sense of responsibility, even have low self esteem and unfortunately they get so they panic at the thought of anything that might somehow
actually require them to grow up and commit.

I think that women don't realize what "love" means to some men either. I think many men themselves are also confused about "love" too. I think many of them only "love the attention and admiration they are receiving" and when that is threatened and they are exposed to another female that fills that need for them that becomes their priority. It has nothing to do with "your worthiness or your looks or being desirable either", it is all about "his selfish need" and I don't think "he" is really "aware" of that himself.

If you think about it, there were clues present In your relationship with this guy. You took him in, gave him love, provided work for him and he received care and messages of "you are worthy and I will love and take care of you". He was never really "ready" for being the person who "takes care of and provides for" and he just "ran" away in fear. He is depressed because he doesn't "really" understand it himself either. He isn't responding because he doesn't even know what to say to you or even his parents. His parents don't even know what to say to you and I think they are embarrassed.

If you don't mind my asking how old are you and how old is this guy?

OE

You said it perfectly OE!!!!!

He is 38 and I am 42........my daughter (age 21) text his mother on friday night to ask if he wanted her to pick him up to come and talk to me. My daughter said to her that I missed him and that he was missing out on the exciting times ahead.

She replied....thanks for your text....we too wish things could go back to how they were before but my son has been very hurt by all this and is very poorly. We hope your mother is well and the scan went well.

I feel that they are not embarrassed at all by his behaviour.......and that they feel he had been very badly done to!!!!

However, when I spoke to his father on the telephone just shortly after my daughter received that text he was completely unaware that his son ad made arrangements to come and see me on the monday to talk to me. He did not arrive and I told his mother this when I called on the wednesday night to say he did not arrive at my home on the monday as planned. She also said she was unaware that he had made these arrangements with me. So clearly they can see that he is not completely telling them all.

I did not tell them that their son had knocked me over protecting his mobile telephone either......and that is why I had the additional scans etc at the hospital. I told them that I fell. clearly he has not been honest with them either!.......I think that is causing his depression.....in knowing that he knocked me over and he is thinking about that and also why he would not let me have his mobile.......and also that he had said on the sunday night that he would bring the mobile to me on the monday....and we would swop mobiles......he could not come as I think he was nervous that something would come through on his mobile that I shouldn't see.

I am so angry tonight as he is making himself the victim......wallowing in self pity and trying to punish me in some bizarre way by having no contact and me running after him. I bet he is loving all the attention......from the friends he is staying with and his parents......and my family......

Well no more now......he has had his chances from me.......too many ......I have read a piece of research today linking high levels of stress hormone cortisol and adhd......so I am protecting my baby now....and my baby's father can grow up if he wants in his daughters life in the future.......he will get no more of my attention! x

I just have to interject that I'd sure feel better about this part of your post if you didn't seem to point out that "Men" or a good number of them run from responsibility and leave their kids and wives. I happen to know first hand that there are plenty of women out there that do the same thing. Namely my ex frm a marriage of 13 years. Moved completely out of state even, and I have my two boys to single parent myself and in no way have I ever begrudged my children of having a father there 24x7. Many people in our society have lost their sense of responsibility, please don't stereotype this way, it just comes out wrong.

There's more in your post I could comment about but I'll leave it at this..

Hi......I really think the lady mean't a male as it is a male in my case not just men in general.......I think no harm was mean't she was just commenting on my personal situation.......x

Well I can't say for sure, but I respond to it with regards to the tone of the whole post. I thought that initially but the poster continued to define things with regards to Male vs Female..

It truly amazes me, when those that make poor decisions, choose to lay claim, to being the victim. I can appreciate your anger, in this.



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Real men don't do this. period. Men that, 1. are fearful and run, are cowards. 2. Men that need to be the main attraction or think that their unborn children will detract from their "status" as the husband and will encroach upon their "attention" are immature and need to grow up.

Also there are plenty of women that have these same problems, only you can't "run" from the baby inside of you. My first wife all but passed the newborn daughter of ours (now 21 yrs old) on me the day she was born. They never bonded and she never really showed much signs of wanting the whole motherly thing.

2nd wife has left the state and left our boys with me. While claiming "victim of life" status... she uses that excuse time and again for why she doesn't spend time with them and now is not even within visiting distance.

I'm not a mysogynist, please do not get me wrong. There are plenty of great women out there that are not like this but I use this example to offset the fact that yes, there are "boys" out there that pretend to be men until they are faced with responsibility like fatherhood. it's sad but true but there are also "little girls" out there that want anything but to face the responsibility of motherhood either. Lots of single dads out there as a result.

I'm just sayin...

The way the OP's guy is acting is wrong but he's an individual case and that's how people ought to look at this. Saying "men do this" or even 'some" as you have pointed out, is almost making an excuse like "because he's male." but that's bullsht. I am a male and I find that lame, and I don't care who you are, if you're a man and you help to make a baby, you run, and abandon the mother, you need to step up to the plate.

Yeah totally agree it can be males or females behaving in this way......however I really do think that the lady posting was responding to my personal posting in the male and female way she used as she has been replying to my personal situation over a period of time.......just as if she was responding to your personal situation she would have used male and female the other way around.......thanks for your posting though x

s4ndm,

I said certain men, and I have said these men are immature. The OP is questioning why, and actually this is very similar to another thread not so long ago of a very pregnant woman who's husband up and left her.

Yes, there are "certain women" who don't really want to be mothers and abandon their children too. I am very sorry you personally experienced that, you sound like a responsible nice man.

OE

Thanks for you posts and support. The time apart has provided me with time to think about the relationship and I feel that given everything that has happened I am far better off being on my own with the baby and family support.

The relationship I had with my ex partner behaving so immaturely would have to change and I think he has worked this out for himself and has chosen his path in life as he cannot face this change.

I feel upon reflection he has behaved throughout the relationship like a teenager and it will be far easier to bring up our daughter (day to day) by myself with the support of family and friends. I have been providing all emotional, financial and biopsychosocial support and it has been a huge strain providing it for him and myself and my children.

He has my number, as do his family. I will no longer continue to chase him or them into enquiring about their daughter/grandchild.......if they want to know then they can contact me to find out. If they don't then that is their choice.

If they want contact with their daughter/grandchild then I will never deny them that however, I will not have him dip in and out of her life when he feels like.......he can make an application through the court for regular contact that he can continue and that will demonstrate his commitment to sticking to it.

The financial side of things I will take through the CSA - child support agency. It is unlikely that he will provide financially anything at all given his employment history and he will probably be on government benefits and not able to pay hardly anything at all.

I would put him on the childs birth certificate however he would have to be present to do that and I really do not think that he will make any face to face contact with me whatsoever. He can dispute that he is not the parent of the child with the CSA to get out of paying however, they will carry out a DNA test and bill him for it anyway.

I have no doubts he is her father whatsoever.

Feeling much clearer today and optimistic about the future.......many thanks again for your continued support.......big hugs to everyone.....x

I am so proud of your mature way of dealing with the emotions involved in this situation......all too many women get stuck on the "love" thing that isn't LOVE at all & aren't willing to take off & leave the jerk behind (that goes for men also but less often).

I stayed married for 33 years go a guy that was a jerk....but he was a good father because I was one of those mothers who never had any motherly instinct. If babies could be born college graduates....I could handle it....but babies just have never been my thing.....so I was glad that he was there for her.

I kicked him out when I found out I was pregnant for a whole other reason in that before we were married I specifically said that nothing was going to get in my way of my degree & my career & the first thing he said when I ended up pregnant was that I could take a couple of years off school & go back later.....those were fighting words in my life & at that point if things hadn't worked out I would have left him & our daughter because by that point he did have a career going & would have been able to take care of her better than I (that was just a side comment for s4ndm)

I think what you said is so perfect & understanding
There were so many things that added up over the 33 years of staying with the H & at the end, I was actually seeing red when I had anything to do with him & living separately under the same roof was like living in hell. I finally had enough & after my mother died, I was financially able to leave.....& that's exactly what I did.....not obviously at first....but I gave him time to change alone by hoping he would see things more clearly.....he didn't, he ended up actually getting worse. I thought I could give him one more chance at change because leaving him & moving 2100 miles across the US really was a wonderful change for me (& it's gotten even better).....but on that last drive across the country in those close quarters (that he couldn't escape from either)....it became obvious that he was satisfied with who & what he was but more obvious it was that he didn't believe that it was possible to change because "it's my personality & personality's can't change"......BS.....anything we want to change we can even though it takes work.

His final comment I think was the final nail in his divorce coffin.....when he said "I thought you would just continue to tolerate me for the rest of our lives"........too many people believe this & if we don't confront the bad issues & draw the lines & the boundaries....they think we will just continue to tolerate it for the rest of our lives because we have for so long anyway.

I am so glad you aren't tolerating his behavior & you are taking a stand. All too often we see their personality issues looking back & not at the time we truly get binding ties with them.....but I'm glad you are willing & able to be so independent....not at all like a lot of other women I have seen. I think probably going through your other marriage & having your older children has helped you see life much more clearly.

Wishing you the best with this......& I am so proud of the way you are handling this.....you are definitely using your wise mind & NOT your emotions....& it's so refreshing to see this in you

I understand. Just the way it's been worded just struck me in a bad way I guess.

living life with a coward,who is selfishly trying to "enjoy" the life without the responsibilities is humiliating,draining and lonely. It does not matter male/female,the whole relationship issue means trust,support,understanding and love ,which is not limited to having fun only.One is better of alone then with someone who will abandon at the most crucial point in the life.

Just an update - I have posted under another new thread - Nervous Breakdown if you want to read......

Have found out that my partner was not staying at friends.....he had taken himself to the GP and GP had sent him into a mental health hospital as he has had a nervous breakdown.

This would have been over 2 weeks ago now.....his father went to see him last sunday and he said that he is so poorly.......he said to him that I had a scan and that the baby was ok and his son just broke down.......his father couldn't talk to him anymore about me.

His father came to my home yesterday and I asked him lots of questions.......It seems they knew about their son when his mother let me go up to check his flat.....if you remember my posting I was really concerned as the last thing he had said to me on the sunday was the he loved me and the baby and was going to come and talk to me on the monday.

He didn't so I telephoned his mother by the wednesday and when I didn't find him in his flat I asked her should we contact the police. She said NO ....well the next day she said they had heard from him he was staying with friends.

So I am left thinking he is with friends etc and thinking he clearly didn't want to come see me and talk about things and that he is moving on .....wont contact me ....mobile switched off.....when really he is poorly in hospital....nervous breakdown.

Apparently this sunday when his dad went to visit him. My partner told him he could t3ell me he was in a hospital but not to say which one as he did not want people to know.

So his father came to pick up some things for him and his flat keys. I packed a case for him with stuff he would need for hospital and gave they flat keys. I have told his dad that he has too much stuff to put all in the case and I am not well enough to pack all that.

I sent a card with his things saying - Thinking of you - and a little verse basically saying - life is sometimes hard and that if he needed someone to listen then I am here.

I have asked his father to ask him if I could go see him. This is so difficult that there is just no contact between us......I am trying not to read anything into things now as I seem to be misreading situations as I don't have all the information.

Part of me is angry....I have been his next of kin for the past 2 years....caring for him etc and loving him.....he has seen very little of his parents I have tried to encourage him and now I am left in the dark and not able to see or talk to him

I am frustrated as if he had come on the Monday as planned then we could have talked and he could have said that he was poorly and I would have supported and helped him to get the help he needed and then he would not have felt so alone.

I feel guilty that I had accused him of seeing his work colleague however, from what I saw and him not giving me his mobile and then no contact and not getting together properly to talk ....what was I supposed to think........and you should be able to talk about things have an arguement and breakup and not feel that someone is at risk of mental illness.

He must have underlying mental health issues that needed addressing ......I feel so bad and guilty at the moment but like I say.......I still don't know that he wasn't cheating.....and that was why he couldn't come face me.....and that is why he has gone into crisis???

Like I say I am trying to not read into things......although I think maybe he did cheat.....or was having thoughts of doing so.....and that he made up his mind on the monday that he wanted out of the relationship and that he has chosen this path for himself and just requires support and help from mental health services to move on.

Hence why he won't see me still............he is moving on????

I am sorry you have been challenged with this so much. I think that it's important to keep in mind that this bf is psychologically challenged in some way and it would have come out eventually and nothing is due to any "lack in you". As far as him cheating? It doesn't sound like he was just being selfish, I think it has something to do with him being challenged early on with his relationship with his parents and getting kicked out. I think that he found "some" comfort in hooking up with older women but those were not really long term healthy relationships either.

In your other thread you thought about him more and you did come up with some red flags that you didn't notice before when you and your family were helping him so much. It is not unusual for people to view others with what they "know" about themselves and not really recognize cues where another person is struggling on a deeper level then you think. You knew you loved him and you were ready to have a family, well, that is something he really never felt a strong long term connection with, as each time he was in that kind of scenario, it didn't "last" for him. Just because he was in other relationships where women had children doesn't mean he really knows or feels that he has learned how to be a part of a family scenario where he is appreciated and connected and will not just eventually no longer be a part of that unit at some point. What it sounds like to me is that he became more and more uncomfortable, did not tell you, pretended to be "ok" and "I love you", but kept feeling a "deep grief" that he didn't understand.

What I have learned first hand is that sometimes we struggle with our emotions and even suddenly feeling depressed or uneasy without knowing why. It kept happening to me and I could not understand it until I dug deeper and finally got to the root of something that really hurt me more than I realized.

Can something debilitating come on so suddenly from Sunday to Monday? Yes it can, and it sounds like it had been building up in him too. What we do not realize about our brains is that as we go through life and have experiences with other people in different scenarios, we develop a deep "prediction process" that we don't really consciously know about. It is almost the same as when you tie your shoes, and you have gone through that motion so many times that you can do it and not even think about it, that is because it is deeply hardwired in you and you can just do it. Same thing with knitting, at first a person has to really pay attention, but after repeating and repeating, a person can actually knit and have a conversation or watch TV without really paying much attention to the knitting, we do know this now.

The same thing happens in other ways that we don't realize too. We have interactions we experience where we may get hurt and the answer was always "run" or to be "pushed away". And each time can also come pain, feeling lost and being depressed and sad and even feeling abandoned and "unworthy". If someone experiences that enough, they will create an emotional and interactional mental map that predicts "failure and hurt" that they are not really consciously totally "aware of" either.

Well, if someone hurt/damaged deeply is in a scenario where a commitment like you are having with him is taking place, and now it is "his child", the failure signals can become too great and lead a person to "want to avoid and distance" and not really understand "why".

Middie, you really did love him, you had no intention of hurting him and you were looking forward and you did know how to have a long term relationship and you do have good family connections too. Well, I wonder how many times he was told "I love you" and it ended up with him being left somehow? Think about it Middie, he has that "prediction" hardwired into him and there is just "too much hurt there too" and it comes forward to a point where as "now" he is battling depression and broke down.

Actually middie, a lot of "disorders" develop because of how someone is "hurt repetitively" to where that person "without really realizing it" develops deep fears and develops different ways to "self protect" when they face certain scenarios where they already "have been very hurt and have deep scars that they may not be consciously aware of". And "yes" someone can fall into a "deep depression" and "break down" as is being described to you that is happening to him, and the person struggling doesn't even know "how to explain it at all, but is just totally confused and broken".

It is not surprising to me that his parents don't know what to tell you or even what to think about it either. They never did know "where they went terribly wrong and caused a lot of confusing damage". Unfortunately, "this happens a lot" and we have named it "dysfunctional family". And out of this brings some seeds that grow in the minds of individuals where we have recognized a common "reaction within groups of people" enough to name disorders like BPD, NPD, Complex PTSD, GERD and Generalized Anxiety disorder just to name a few.

OE

Have spoke with a MIND advisor (mental health charity)......they say don't make any decisions or jump to conclusions......its possible that he went into crisis at breakdown of relationship and nothing to do with cheating......could be he wasn't and felt I was not listening and he had nowhere to go and went into crisis.

They say is he is in shutdown emotionally like his father says he is.....then it it not uncommon to not want to see people until you are stable especially if it will be emotional. He perhaps just cannot cope at the moment.

They say give him time and space and use connection with dad and partner to let him know I still love and care for him and am there when he is ready.

They have given me a local number for support .........I will try them monday morning when they are open.

I will just have to wait now and give him time and space.....he is somewhere safe and I have to stop jumping to conclusions based on out of date information or at best incomplete.

When he is ready then we just need to talk.

Thanks for support everyone x

(((middie))),

It is nice to hear you have more information and he is safe and in treatment. Now you can focus on your own needs and self care and the needs of this new little girl that will be coming into your life too.

(((Hugs)))
OE

Bittersweet information, for sure! and so hard not to jump to conclusions, but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Time will tell all. Take care of yourself and that gift you're carrying. Hugs!!

Yeah.....its like hanging in limbo all the time......very tearful at the moment.....suppose its all the hormones too!!

Seems we are back to the same situation of needing to see each other and talk and am waiting for him to say its the right time....if ever???......

so many uncertains......thinking will he see me......or maybe he won't???

Just going round in my head all the time.....whilst trying to carry on with day to day stuff and plan for christmas and baby coming........am on annual leave now for 5 weeks and then go onto maternity leave.

I just keep thinking.....eventually he will have to see me as we are having a baby together and it seems logical he will have to have contact with me......however nothing is logical about all this....and maybe he will go to his parents when he comes out of hospital and then back to his flat and always say that he is too unstable to have contact with me and the baby???

Am having to learn patience ....something that I struggle with.......just want it all sorted and to start moving forward instead of being stuck in limbo......

thanks so much for your support hugs x

i am so sorry for your whole situation with your partner just before you are to give birth. it sounds incredibly difficult and so hard to be left wondering what happened and what will happen now. i think if i were in your shoes i'd start planning a life without him, and if he ends up being stable and you feel comfortable taking him back then you can. i think if you put your life on hold and there is a long wait to resolve things it will be really hard on you and your little girl. when he told you he loved you and would be by the next day and then broke down or vanished or whatever tells me he probably isn't being honest with himself, or you, about what he really wants or is capable of.

i just read your other thread. i think the only thing i need to know is that when you fell down to the ground at 7-8 months pregnant he tried to both drive and walk off and left you there. his mother lied to you and doesn't answer her phone. i think he takes after her and the only thing he is suffering from is a very guilty conscience. i am very sorry as you do not deserve to be treated this way, especially at this time. you really sound amazingly strong in how you are handling this.

Middie, I am so so sorry for your situation!! I have as yet been unable to read your other thread. However.....
I can totally relate to your situation, as I myself walked in similar shoes....
#1 you take of you first!!!, then your baby!!!, and your other kids!!!
#2 he is an adult (I don't know his current, but from above, he's getting the care he needs!)
#3 live each day for and about YOU, take each step, one at a time, smell the roses if you like!

I think you've done extremely well, the way you're handling this situation, but I can't stress enough, you and your baby first and foremost.

My little (big) man recently turned 8yrs old, and still to this day....I was 40, the father was 41 (who I suspect has BP) when our son came into this world....his first child, my 3rd (my other two are 16 & 18.)

Do not feel guilt over another.....they ultimately must deal with issues themselves.
We can love and support (with steadfast boundaries) but we cannot fix nor be held accountable for their actions.
Big hugs to you, take good care!!

You are not alone!

And I've raised my son myself, with my older 2 children.
Although his father has always somewhat been in the picture, he has never actually lived with our son, he moved out before we found out about the pregnancy. Our 'relationship' has been seemingly on and off for nearly 10yrs.

All the best to you!

So sorry you are going through all this Middie, especially right now. While I do defer to the professionals when they advise to give him a little time (if only due to them being actual professionals), I still maintain it is absolutely incredulous and entirely unacceptable that he would knock you down in an attempt to get his phone back, regardless of the pregnancy. The fact you are pregnant and that still happened only amplifies how astoundingly...I dare say cruel...the act was. To me, I would think if he didn't have anything to hide, he wouldn't have made such a drastic attempt to keep you away from the phone. To physically knock you down, especially while expecting, signals to me a huge red flag.

I hope he will come around...he does you and your child a massive injustice by not being there for you. While I hope and pray you two are able to reconcile, if things don't work out that way, you owe it to yourself and to your child to get whatever support from him that you can. It is, after all, his child as well...he owes you at the very least that much.

You are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this. Please keep us posted, and congratulations on the baby girl.

Hugs,
Harley