[counselor1978]

Okay I'm new here and seriously need some advice...anything will help! I'm currently in a relationsip. I've known him since May 2013. We dated for awhile and kind of lost touch, well texted and talked on the phone, but didnt really seriously make it exclusive until september 2013. Since then it's been hot and heavy. He's basically moved in with me and my two boys ages 6 and 12. They absoutely LOVE him! I had no doubts introducing him to my children in september. He told me he loves me and wants this to be forever. I feel the same. Okay here lies the problem. He has a son, 18 mo, with another woman. He says hes not ready to introduce his son to me and my children yet. He tells me his parents dont want to meet me because they think i'm just another one of his many girlfriends who will come and go. My kids are starting to wonder why his child hasnt came around. I dont know what to tell them. He doesnt pay his ex child support because she doesnt make him. He does see his son though. He says he doesnt want to ask her about bringing the child around me because he doesnt wanna rock the boat with her. He tells me it will make his life very complicated right now. He asks me to be patient and when he's ready he will bring his son over. Why does he get the courtesy of waiting but I didnt? It really hurts my feelings! Am I being too sensitive about this? Is he right? Someone please give me some advice on this. I love this man, but this is really weighing heavily on me and is hurting our relationsip. I'm about to call it quits over this. I dont know what to do.

[middie]

I would think long and hard over this before you give him and ultimatum or start to call it quits. I think he has tried to be honest with you about his situation and the fact that it will cause problems with his ex etc and I think you should have a real good think about that. His situation does appear to be very different to yours. Some fathers do get a real bad time when they introduce their children to new girlfriends, partners etc and it affects the contact that they have with their children. Its not fair but sadly it happens. It is very different for the parent who the child/children live with the majority of the time as they don't have these restrictions put on them.

You have chosen to introduce your boyfriend to your children as you felt that it was an appropriate time for them and him. However I think that, unless proved otherwise you should show that same respect for your partner, in that he has assessed his situation and feels that it is not the right time at this moment to do the same.

I can understand that you are hurt by this. However, he is not saying never, just not at this time. Good luck with things.....sending you a hug x

[Buddy17]

what about your partner? will you accept if your partner shows your child to anyone's wife.. sorry if i hurt you.. just live your life.. let him to live his life... his parents said that you are just another one of his many girlfriends who will come and go..Just live your life with your child because it will be good both of your life..

[healingme4me]

Ultimatums, don't usually work. Ending things, over this, meh, that could be seen as overreacting.
However, your feelings, aren't an overreaction.
I'd be very hurt, and confused over the parents remarks.
I get, the hurt, over lack of being introduced, to his toddler, especially after moving him into your life, and your children have bonded to him.
Your kids ARE asking questions. That's, the 'tug', imo.
You don't seem, to sound satisfied, with the excuses made. Plus, the parents comments added, to the mix.
Are you having second thoughts, with him, in your life? Anything else, adding to the mix, of wanting to end things?


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[FrayedEnds]

Hi counselor
I would be concerned that he's not paying child support for the 18 month old son.

[healingme4me]

I want to add, from my own, personal perspective, on adding a man into a single moms life. I am forced, into a holding pattern, by virtue of living a couple thousand miles away. So, I'm going through the emotions of moving in together, before it actually happens.
One thing, has been, fear of commitment, not in married sense, but stability, due to kids. Fear of them walking away, hurting not just me, but the kids, is something that put me in, a question this defensively, before everyone gets hurt.
With that in mind, you could approach this, in bringing up, fear that he won't want to do this with you, 3/5/7 years down the road. My fear, is after not raising kids in decades(my guy), three young, energetic, rambunctious boys would be overwhelming.
How committed, to being in your boys life, is your man? Is he strong enough, to offer your boys, the stability that they so crave and deserve?
No ultimatums there, just raw honesty.
You could very well be in protective mode, hence desire for ultimatum.


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[KathyM]

Hi counselor

It would definitely be a red flag for me too. What he's saying and what he's doing are two separate things. He says he wants his relationship with you to be forever. If that were truly the case, he would want you to meet the other people who are important in his life.

When I was a single mother of a young child, I dated a man who had custody of his child. Our boys were about the same age, and they got along great. As for us, we never made any real commitment towards each other - but it looked like we were headed to "forever." It turned out I was just a pit-stop. When he walked out of our lives, my son was devastated.

I decided then and there not to introduce my son to any other men until I was certain it was going to be a "forever" relationship. Even then, when I did meet the man who was perfect for me, I was hesitant. We lived apart until I could be certain he would not abandon me or my son in the event the going got rough. But when the going got rough, he was right there by my side. We've been together for about 25 years, and he's been an excellent husband and father throughout all the ups and downs in life.

I'm concerned about the love your children have for this man. If the going gets rough, do you know for certain your man will be by your side? Would he be willing to crawl through the mud to save you and your children? If he can't even find the courage to introduce you to his own child, my guess is the answer would be "no." If it were me, I would not allow him to play the role of "husband" or "father" until I knew for sure he could walk his talk.

Good luck (((counselor)))

[Puglife]

There are red flags here. You have only known him for 7 months and only been serious for 3 months and he is already living with you and your children. How well do you really know him? I would be concerned that he isn't paying child support. Is he working and supporting himself or are you taking care of him?

Originally Posted by counselor1978

Okay I'm new here and seriously need some advice...anything will help! I'm currently in a relationsip. I've known him since May 2013. We dated for awhile and kind of lost touch, well texted and talked on the phone, but didnt really seriously make it exclusive until september 2013. Since then it's been hot and heavy. He's basically moved in with me and my two boys ages 6 and 12. They absoutely LOVE him! I had no doubts introducing him to my children in september. He told me he loves me and wants this to be forever. I feel the same. Okay here lies the problem. He has a son, 18 mo, with another woman. He says hes not ready to introduce his son to me and my children yet. He tells me his parents dont want to meet me because they think i'm just another one of his many girlfriends who will come and go. My kids are starting to wonder why his child hasnt came around. I dont know what to tell them. He doesnt pay his ex child support because she doesnt make him. He does see his son though. He says he doesnt want to ask her about bringing the child around me because he doesnt wanna rock the boat with her. He tells me it will make his life very complicated right now. He asks me to be patient and when he's ready he will bring his son over. Why does he get the courtesy of waiting but I didnt? It really hurts my feelings! Am I being too sensitive about this? Is he right? Someone please give me some advice on this. I love this man, but this is really weighing heavily on me and is hurting our relationsip. I'm about to call it quits over this. I dont know what to do.

You love this man. Yet so quickly you are saying you want to call it quits? Seems like a contradiction in a way.. Fact is, this is about you and him first. Even though the children need to know him because they are young, it is different with an 18 yr old or older. When he says it will complicate his life, taht's not a judgment on you but his family. Perhaps his son has a problem with him having another girlfriend and he doesn't want to deal with it just yet. He could be waiting to make sure you're serious about him before he commits to introducing you to any others. Again, it's not your RIGHT to know his son at this point and unfair to base whether you'd go forward or not with him on the fact he won't introduce you. Keep working on you and him, as partners. Not everything has to happen right now.

Also as a side note, I sense a bit of judgement on your part of him. "he doesn't pay child support because she doesn't make him." Two things, one, that's entirely irrelevant to what your questions are and two, that's between his ex and him. No one else. Not even you. Also as a last point, afaik, in most states, at 18 yrs, the child support would stop anyway except in rare cases when college is involved.

[Ash89]

The child is 18 months. I know, I had to reread it too.

Originally Posted by Ash89

The child is 18 months. I know, I had to reread it too.

Ok but the point that it's none of her business remains. Thanks though.

[KathyM]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Ok but the point that it's none of her business remains. Thanks though.

I agree the amount of child support (or lack thereof) is irrelevant, but that's not her complaint. It's the last part of her sentence - where he says he does not want to introduce her to the child because he does not want to upset the child's mother. WTH? If they are a "serious" couple, why would it upset his ex - and why are the feelings of the ex more important to him than the feelings of Counselor?

Originally Posted by KathyM

I agree the amount of child support (or lack thereof) is irrelevant, but that's not her complaint. It's the last part of her sentence - where he says he does not want to introduce her to the child because he does not want to upset the child's mother. WTH? If they are a "serious" couple, why would it upset his ex - and why are the feelings of the ex more important to him than the feelings of Counselor?

I understand but I also addressed this in my original post. That I mentioned the child support part was only a portion of it.

Originally Posted by KathyM

I agree the amount of child support (or lack thereof) is irrelevant, but that's not her complaint. It's the last part of her sentence - where he says he does not want to introduce her to the child because he does not want to upset the child's mother. WTH? If they are a "serious" couple, why would it upset his ex - and why are the feelings of the ex more important to him than the feelings of Counselor?

sorry I had to add some more.. she said

He says he doesnt want to ask her about bringing the child around me because he doesnt wanna rock the boat with her. He tells me it will make his life very complicated right now.

We don't know all the details and it doesn't exactly say what she means. Rocking the boat coupled with the idea that she doesn't ask for child support, could be related. Rocking the boat could mean that if she's upset at him she could do something mean and nasty and push child support just for spite. I've been here and I know how it can be with divorces.

One other thought about this. If the child is 18 mos old, a mother is pretty attached to her child and is still just learning to be a mom (if its her first especially). Introducing the baby to another female could easily be seen as a threat to her motherhood and no one's mentioned that maybe this is actually a smart thing to do in this case. I hope you all get my meaning. It is his child but it's not as simple at that age. People are very protective of their infants and toddlers and I can't judge them for this. Just a thought.

[KathyM]

Very true, Sandman. Sorry to hear you suffered a nasty divorce - it really sucks when they get vindictive. But this guy is not doing it to protect his child - he's doing it to protect himself. As you said, if he rocks the boat with his ex, it might cause her to sue him for financial support. If that were the case, it would tell me his ex still considers them to be a couple. Is the guy sincere, or is he just trying to maintain his "stable" of two women for the price of one? If he's truly serious about Counselor, he needs to tell his ex about his "forever" love for her, and deal with the consequences. If he's not serious about Counselor, he does not deserve her OR her children.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

One other thought about this. If the child is 18 mos old, a mother is pretty attached to her child and is still just learning to be a mom (if its her first especially). Introducing the baby to another female could easily be seen as a threat to her motherhood and no one's mentioned that maybe this is actually a smart thing to do in this case. I hope you all get my meaning. It is his child but it's not as simple at that age. People are very protective of their infants and toddlers and I can't judge them for this. Just a thought.

Good point, and up to him, to express it, that way. Giving a timeframe, setting the OP's sons' questions an answer.

That's why I propose the OP word, this discussion, to express fear of not knowing he'd offer a long term stable environment, for her and the kids. Naturally, there's no guarantees in life, just between the excuses about the toddler, coupled with his parents lack of interest in meeting her, because their son has a less than stellar track record, I can appreciate the OP's questioning about ending things. It's just unfortunate her own children stand to be hurt, by all this.

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Originally Posted by KathyM

Very true, Sandman. Sorry to hear you suffered a nasty divorce - it really sucks when they get vindictive. But this guy is not doing it to protect his child - he's doing it to protect himself. As you said, if he rocks the boat with his ex, it might cause her to sue him for financial support. If that were the case, it would tell me his ex still considers them to be a couple. Is the guy sincere, or is he just trying to maintain his "stable" of two women for the price of one? If he's truly serious about Counselor, he needs to tell his ex about his "forever" love for her, and deal with the consequences. If he's not serious about Counselor, he does not deserve her OR her children.

I can see your point, he may be being self-preserving right now, but it is all really very subjective information and everything we say about this man is based on very little information and we have to make too many assumptions. Even if there is a part that is selfish about his motive, to what degree? Clearly she cares for this man so we're leaving out all kinds of good things that have not been said up to this point.

Another thought is, to reply to the idea that "if he's not serious..." Maybe he isn't AS SERIOUS as her yet. Why does it have to be right now? Maybe there are things that he needs to have in order to really be serious. In today's day and age, we all move way too fast and I think this very clearly is something that contributes to the fast connections and subsequent disconnections and breakups. Has anyone thought about that maybe it's actually ok that he isn't ready to move forward in this way? I don't mean to be the devil's advocate here but seriously this whole thread is based around the idea that he's done or is doing something wrong. Just not enough information to make this assumption.

To try to be helpful here, I can only say one thing. The OP needs to communicate with her bf and voice these concerns without accusation or blame, how she feels about things and how his choices are affecting her. We can talk til saturday night about this and nothing will happen until she brings it up to him, and we know his response. Until then I will make no assumptions that he is all wrong in this.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Good point, and up to him, to express it, that way. Giving a timeframe, setting the OP's sons' questions an answer.

That's why I propose the OP word, this discussion, to express fear of not knowing he'd offer a long term stable environment, for her and the kids. Naturally, there's no guarantees in life, just between the excuses about the toddler, coupled with his parents lack of interest in meeting her, because their son has a less than stellar track record, I can appreciate the OP's questioning about ending things. It's just unfortunate her own children stand to be hurt, by all this.

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Again I hope you read my previous reply. This is based on assumptions again. implying that this is an excuse at all frames the man in such a negative light and to be honest he has no way to defend himself here and in this situation I really don't feel like we know enough to do any kind of analysis that would be very accurate.

I can appreciate her fears too. I can appreciate her feelings to want to quit, I've been there too but to use an example, I will use my gamer girl. I had a blowout and it was based on my assumptions that she wasn't as attached to me as I would like her to be and that she couldn't see a future in us. Now it all came down to "I want to know she's mine now" kind of thing, rather than realizing she is here with me everyday and may not be at that point yet, and that has to be ok.

If she loves him and wants a future with him, I say get it out in the open and one of two good things can happen. Either he explains and she feels better about it (hopefully) because she understands his reasoning or he acommodates her and does something to make her feel that he is indeed serious. Either way she needs to talk to him about it but I emphasize again, without accusation or pointing fingers.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Ultimatums, don't usually work. Ending things, over this, meh, that could be seen as overreacting.
However, your feelings, aren't an overreaction.
I'd be very hurt, and confused over the parents remarks.
I get, the hurt, over lack of being introduced, to his toddler, especially after moving him into your life, and your children have bonded to him.
Your kids ARE asking questions. That's, the 'tug', imo.
You don't seem, to sound satisfied, with the excuses made. Plus, the parents comments added, to the mix.
Are you having second thoughts, with him, in your life? Anything else, adding to the mix, of wanting to end things?


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Originally Posted by healingme4me

I want to add, from my own, personal perspective, on adding a man into a single moms life. I am forced, into a holding pattern, by virtue of living a couple thousand miles away. So, I'm going through the emotions of moving in together, before it actually happens.
One thing, has been, fear of commitment, not in married sense, but stability, due to kids. Fear of them walking away, hurting not just me, but the kids, is something that put me in, a question this defensively, before everyone gets hurt.
With that in mind, you could approach this, in bringing up, fear that he won't want to do this with you, 3/5/7 years down the road. My fear, is after not raising kids in decades(my guy), three young, energetic, rambunctious boys would be overwhelming.
How committed, to being in your boys life, is your man? Is he strong enough, to offer your boys, the stability that they so crave and deserve?
No ultimatums there, just raw honesty.
You could very well be in protective mode, hence desire for ultimatum.


Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Good point, and up to him, to express it, that way. Giving a timeframe, setting the OP's sons' questions an answer.

That's why I propose the OP word, this discussion, to express fear of not knowing he'd offer a long term stable environment, for her and the kids. Naturally, there's no guarantees in life, just between the excuses about the toddler, coupled with his parents lack of interest in meeting her, because their son has a less than stellar track record, I can appreciate the OP's questioning about ending things. It's just unfortunate her own children stand to be hurt, by all this.

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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Again I hope you read my previous reply. This is based on assumptions again. implying that this is an excuse at all frames the man in such a negative light and to be honest he has no way to defend himself here and in this situation I really don't feel like we know enough to do any kind of analysis that would be very accurate.

I can appreciate her fears too. I can appreciate her feelings to want to quit, I've been there too but to use an example, I will use my gamer girl. I had a blowout and it was based on my assumptions that she wasn't as attached to me as I would like her to be and that she couldn't see a future in us. Now it all came down to "I want to know she's mine now" kind of thing, rather than realizing she is here with me everyday and may not be at that point yet, and that has to be ok.

If she loves him and wants a future with him, I say get it out in the open and one of two good things can happen. Either he explains and she feels better about it (hopefully) because she understands his reasoning or he acommodates her and does something to make her feel that he is indeed serious. Either way she needs to talk to him about it but I emphasize again, without accusation or pointing fingers.

I've had a long day. Try explaining what you mean, to my good point post, again?

[LongHairDon'tCare]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

You love this man. Yet so quickly you are saying you want to call it quits? Seems like a contradiction in a way.. Fact is, this is about you and him first. Even though the children need to know him because they are young, it is different with an 18 yr old or older. When he says it will complicate his life, taht's not a judgment on you but his family. Perhaps his son has a problem with him having another girlfriend and he doesn't want to deal with it just yet. He could be waiting to make sure you're serious about him before he commits to introducing you to any others. Again, it's not your RIGHT to know his son at this point and unfair to base whether you'd go forward or not with him on the fact he won't introduce you. Keep working on you and him, as partners. Not everything has to happen right now.

Also as a side note, I sense a bit of judgement on your part of him. "he doesn't pay child support because she doesn't make him." Two things, one, that's entirely irrelevant to what your questions are and two, that's between his ex and him. No one else. Not even you. Also as a last point, afaik, in most states, at 18 yrs, the child support would stop anyway except in rare cases when college is involved.

I agree with this response. Especially the bolded. To the poster, you stated that it's not fair that you introduced your kids to him but he hasn't introduced his child to you or your children. It's not fair to expect him to introduce his little one to you just because you introduced your kids to him. You were ready, and he was honest with you by saying that he wasn't ready. The reasons that he gave you doesn't sound like he's trying to be malicious or mean. It's an issue if he never intends to introduce you to his family or child. But that doesn't sound like the case. He's just not ready for various reasons to do it right now. It's kinda like saying, because I told you "I love you" first, and you don't say it back, then I'm going to get mad at you. I can understand the hurt feelings, but if the person isn't ready they aren't ready. I think he is being a responsible parent by waiting before the introduction.

And I agree when someone said the child's age may be a factor also. No way in the world, as a woman, as a mom, I would be cool with my 18 month old meeting their father's girlfriend. Wife? Maybe I would be ok. So, I can see how the mother wouldn't be feeling the whole situation.

It's only been barely three months since you two have been serious (you stated that he basically moved in in September). I would give it time. Try not to take it personal. If it bothers you, then discuss it with him. Don't expect him to change his decision but just put it out there that you were a little bothered.

Good luck.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Again I hope you read my previous reply. This is based on assumptions again. implying that this is an excuse at all frames the man in such a negative light and to be honest he has no way to defend himself here and in this situation I really don't feel like we know enough to do any kind of analysis that would be very accurate.
.

I just went back in and read and reread all about not wanting to paint this man, in a negative light, because he won't introduce his toddler to the OP AND her children, that he lives with.

If it's not an 'excuse', for all intents and purposes, to move past semantics, what word choice would help you, read my post, as not painting a negative picture of him, which, rereading my own posts, I don't see, how I have done this.?????????

What I wish I could convey, which clearly I cannot...is that, it's up to her, to get in touch with her true inner worries, and NOT give demanding overtures about any of this.

[counselor1978]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies! I do have a masters degree in psychology but sometimes it helps when you can have unbiased opionions. I tend to be dramatic and over analyze everything in my life. I'm deciding this is one of those times. We sat down together and talked about everything and he said he does want me to meet his son, just asked me to be patient and wait for the right time. I'm going to take the advice of just working on him and I for a while. I do love this man. I do think he is in this for the long haul. I think I was just putting up a wall, like I usually do, trying to end things before I got in too deep. Although, I realize I'm already in deep since my boys are in deep with him. I have no regrets in introducing him to my sons. I just need to quit over analyzing everything. Your replies have helped me so much!

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I just went back in and read and reread all about not wanting to paint this man, in a negative light, because he won't introduce his toddler to the OP AND her children, that he lives with.

If it's not an 'excuse', for all intents and purposes, to move past semantics, what word choice would help you, read my post, as not painting a negative picture of him, which, rereading my own posts, I don't see, how I have done this.?????????

What I wish I could convey, which clearly I cannot...is that, it's up to her, to get in touch with her true inner worries, and NOT give demanding overtures about any of this.

I don't claim to know your intent, and I understand your point. I apologize that it sounded like I was nitpicking but I am a person that takes very literal meaning from everything. All I have is the text here and even worse it's not real time so there is no way for you to interject anything as soon as I've posted my view.

Let me explain a little more. The word "excuse" to me, is a way to "get out of" something and rationalize it with something that has no real effect on it. Excuse, the noun, for me, always paints a negative picture. So forgive my interpretation and misunderstanding you. I hope this helps you to see my thinking in my response though.

Also I agree she needs to do what you said too. In addition to communicating with him, which it looks like she has done.

Please never think that I look upon your replies as overly negative or bad, you're extremely helpful at times to many people here and in context, I know your intentions are always pure. *hugs*
~S4

Originally Posted by counselor1978

Thank you so much everyone for your replies! I do have a masters degree in psychology but sometimes it helps when you can have unbiased opionions. I tend to be dramatic and over analyze everything in my life. I'm deciding this is one of those times. We sat down together and talked about everything and he said he does want me to meet his son, just asked me to be patient and wait for the right time. I'm going to take the advice of just working on him and I for a while. I do love this man. I do think he is in this for the long haul. I think I was just putting up a wall, like I usually do, trying to end things before I got in too deep. Although, I realize I'm already in deep since my boys are in deep with him. I have no regrets in introducing him to my sons. I just need to quit over analyzing everything. Your replies have helped me so much!

Good for you. I'm happy! It should work out.

[middie]

Originally Posted by counselor1978

Thank you so much everyone for your replies! I do have a masters degree in psychology but sometimes it helps when you can have unbiased opionions. I tend to be dramatic and over analyze everything in my life. I'm deciding this is one of those times. We sat down together and talked about everything and he said he does want me to meet his son, just asked me to be patient and wait for the right time. I'm going to take the advice of just working on him and I for a while. I do love this man. I do think he is in this for the long haul. I think I was just putting up a wall, like I usually do, trying to end things before I got in too deep. Although, I realize I'm already in deep since my boys are in deep with him. I have no regrets in introducing him to my sons. I just need to quit over analyzing everything. Your replies have helped me so much!

I am sure that when the time is right for him he will introduce you to his son. Its great that you felt the time was right for him to be involved with your children and his actions with your children, have confirmed this.

We are all individuals though, with our own unique circumstances and our own timelines ....just enjoy your time together with each other and as a family and trust that when then time is right, he will bring his son into your family too.

We all have a wobble from time to time....its human nature....feel a little insecure and analyse a little too much......sending you a big hug x