Learning the HARD WAY

So, this is my rant directed at informing other women, and possibly men, about something I learned about this year...
I learned that there are internet predators. Oh,yah, go ahead and laugh, we all knew about them a long time ago...did you just wake up from a coma?
Nooo, but I didn't do dating for a long time after my divorce...its been over 5 years, I finally got up the nerve and did online dating.
This was almost a year ago. I thought I would meet men who were in my area, and just have some light dating, just to get my feet wet.
But, after meeting this guy, he seemed, well, like everything I wanted. Only thing was, he was far away...ah well, I thought at the time, he's interesting to talk to. I'll just have a friendship with him, I definetly don't want a long distance thing.
Well, two weeks into back and forth light banter, where he not only responded to every little thing I said, but, showered me with attention.
Ah, those were the days.
Well, two weeks into it and he starts asking me for pictures...so, I take a normal selfie in the mirror, you know, not even duck lips. I thought he was just asking for confirmation that I'm me.
Oh, I sent it. And got lots of what I felt were undeserved compliments, and encouragement for MORE.
What could he mean by more?
I found out, and let me tell you, I'm not proud of this, I complied. I sent stuff that I deleted immediately, I sent stuff eventually after a few more weeks that make me blush thinking about it, and get that sick feeling in my stomach.
Now, I'm not a prude, I just have been so detached from any romantic relationships that I was eating up the attention. I was desperate. And buying into the biggest BS lines EVER...before you laugh and think that this is pure stupidity, let me just say, that I don't do that with anyone else, EVER, and haven't done it since. I sincerely beleived that he meant what he was saying, and I was gullible...shame on me.
Come to find out, after a few more months that this is his way, he collects women, using his irrisistable charm, and he, like a vampire, sucks their integrity, the essence of their feminenity and their sweetness right out of them, drains them of their desire to find a healthy relationship, drains them of their beleif that they are beautiful and special, because, trust me, I wasn't the only one, no, I was to find out that he beleives that he should be have sex with and partner with whoever he wants whenever he wants...well, that certainly put me into my place, didn't it.
Gradually, I found out of this year that I have been added to his dusty old collection, and guess what?
I'm not having it. I can leave whenever I want to, and I am, and so should all of his collection, we can't fix him. We can't heal him, and we can't BE the imaginary perfection that he thinks he wants while he sucks us dry little by little.
Pfff, vampires...they're all the same.

By the way, if anyone has a similar experience, or knows of someone who does, I could really use some good ole' backslapping-"hey I know what your going through, kind of support...I don't feel great, I feel like I've been totally duped, I do feel stupid, because I didn't listen to my intuition, and I really want some help with learning how to identify and prevent this from happening, not just what to look for, but in learning things about myself to divert myself from those feelings of desperation, and wanting to comply with what clearly is not in my best interest...
Hello???

Sorry you were lied to.

Sorry that this world is so full of human-debris.

But YOU having the ability to trust another person does not make you the lesser person. The slime-bag that lied to you - he has the issue. NOT you.

Sorry you've gone through this. Some men just suck! OK, so you didn't listen to your intuition and got caught up in all the positive attention and encouragement that you were receiving. We win some, we lose some! When things knock us down, we get back up, wipe the dust of ourselves and move forward.

Maybe you'll learn that sexual attention isn't quite the attention that you crave? Granted, who doesn't want a bit of sexual attention, but the lesson is that it's intimacy first, and sex falls into place. A nice guy, wouldn't ask for provocative photos, because he'd worry that someone, somehow could gain access to those, for instance, what if either of you accidentally lost your phones?

My ex, was the one that I did all that sexting/photos with. Then, he'd turn around and threaten me with them, that's when we were married. Those, all did get destroyed, it's just not a nice feeling to have your sexual identity held over your head, like that. So, I can appreciate the level of shame, you may feel for having those photos of you, somewhere out there. At some point, your self esteem will flourish again. There's nothing wrong with risqué photos, it's just some people in this world, really suck, like this guy you encountered.

Time will heal your wounds. Just lick the salt off your paws, so to speak and take this experience to figure out what it is that you do and don't want in a relationship.

Ah, but you did listen to yourself or you would not be here, now, telling us so well about it! You are not stupid, what other people are doing is not what we are doing. You wanted attention at that time and you got it. Not ultimately like you wanted it but there is nothing wrong with trying something out that you are unfamiliar with. We all have to learn, you just had "book" knowledge before but now you have actual life experience and can truly help others. Feel good about yourself, you did not do anything at all stupid or wrong. Think about it like you do bad fruit or milk; everyone smells or tastes it to see if it is bad? We know by look and feel usually before that and get that nasty smell/taste but we don't feel stupid having smelled/tasted it. You have not dated for quite awhile and you got a rotten piece of fruit first, sorry you opened it and it was like that. It can only get better :-)

Just reminded myself, about myself, about this time, last year. So, I'd been having this on-line friendship, that had spanned years and thousands of emails. And he'd written me, this poem, and exclaimed wanting to be closer to me. And I was at a point, in my life, where I felt ready to have a relationship. (my marriage had drained my desire to rush back into the fray). So, I mentioned to this email friend, ok, why not?! We seemed compatible, really in tune with one another, and this would have been the next step in natural progression.

What does he say?! Oh, we can set up a way to have cyber sex, but lets be open to the idea, that we can date others that live local

I said, um, I am not going to do anything of that nature, without at least meeting in person, and making sure that we are, indeed, compatible. I must admit, he wrote back, exclaiming shame for asking. But it came to the surface, that there was no way, he'd ever entertain the notion of a long distance relationship. Then, come to find out, he was already dating someone local at that point. May have been a drunken email/poem to myself, was my conclusion.

There's much to learn from every experience. I am just adding this part of my life story, to give you perspective, that we can learn much from these types of experiences, where we share photos like this.

And, eventually, we can move into a healthy relationship. My new relationship. The most risqué thing, that exists, as he said, to me, the other night, wow, you could actually wear that to the beach. Exactly I could actually wear that out of the house. The risqué was the little curvature of my hip.

We learn from this, hun!! We learn!

Thanks so much, I like the metaphor you drew for this situation, it is exactly like that and it helps me to put this into healthy perspective!
You know, I will date again when ready, but I do need to heal and grow the kind of positive thinking that will keep me from falling for a guy like that!

You were smart to state what you wanted! If I had thought of doing that, instead of thinking that someone else would react to, and think the way I do I would have saved myself from all the time and energy I wasted on thinking that something existed that didn't!
On beleiving that what I shared had any value...other than stimulating his sexual needs! I being a woman, thought it had cerebral value too, but of course, it didn't!
He just knew the words to say - so very very well.

I was able to express needs, by that point, in my life, as I'd been working hard to overcome a decade long relationship, where I was placing someone elses needs above my own. And the couple relationships, prior, were the same. By the time, that email friendship, reached that level, I knew that I didn't want to play into the fantasy effect of on-line relations.
What you are experiencing is far too common, unfortunately.

I was stimulating his cerebral needs, in that particular relationship, without getting much more in return, than starting to feel like I was his personal sounding board. Not that, I didn't gain a fair level of friendship, in the process, I was just over investing too much energy and leaving myself closed off to others, as I was developing feelings, that could never be expanded upon.

I like the title of your thread, Learning the HARD WAY.

I'm sorry you had such a rotten past marriage...it sounds like you've taken a lot of wisdom and compassion from the experience, and learned about yourself really well...enough to know what was good or not good for you. You did well...and thank you for telling me about your experience. I learned from you too...NOW I know what isn't alright with me, and where I say no. Never again.

I just got divorced and am certainly not looking for any sort of dating. But in talking to my T about what needs the marriage fulfilled, she asked, "Do you remember what you said to me about why you married him?" Too much anxiety, too much dissocation - the answer was no, I didn't remember. She said, "You said, 'he paid more attention to me than anyone else ever did, he loved me, he'd never leave me." I notice now that I didn't say anything about how I felt about him.

So CD, though I am not wearing your shoes right now, I was. And were I to venture into online dating now, I probably would be again. We do indeed learn the hard way, but we do learn!

And congrats for having the courage to try again!

First of all, I am very sorry. Secondly, you are not alone. I have been tortured along those same lines and have learned the hard way not to be gullible or so trusting. I hope that time will heal your heart. I am truly sorry that you ran into that waste product. Next time I am sure you will not be an easy mark for anyone and that's a blessing.

HourHand

Similar things have happened to me…from having a former friend pretty much telling me how selfish I was for not sending pictures of myself to being made fun of for how I look on a cam. I've learned the lesson the hard way. Although, I think that can also apply to real life…I've learned to not let anyone see me without clothes on (if it happens, it happens in the dark). And never give pictures of yourself to anyone. Ever.

Yes! You are so right, and this was a hard lesson, an embarrassing lesson, and one that I'll get to look back on and grimace for a long time. I won't be sharing myself that way, with someone who doesn't deserve it, let alone, appreciate it beyond entertainment or self gratification...ugh, too shameful...I'm glad you have better boundaries though, pretty smart!

Wow, sorry to hear about all that! You have to be extra careful when opening up to people online as there are lots of predators out there! Especially when it comes to online dating! Please think twice before sending out anymore risque photos of yourself. I don't mean to scare you, but that creep could post it up online and show your pics to his friends. He sounded like a real player. He knew just what to say to make you feel wanted and needed.

If you look up more info about players and how they play their sick games with women and why they do it, you'll be able to spot one a mile away next time. Some of them do it to boost their own ego. They enjoy stringing along vulnerable women to make themselves feel better about themselves. Pathetic! It's always best to take a few months to really get to know a person over the phone, and most importantly, in person!

Who's to say that handsome model who's supposedly 6'3 with an athletic build isn't really a short, old, fat, and ugly looking guy unless you meet him in person? Never trust pics as anyone can pretend to be anyone on here. Then there's old pics they use, and photo shop for the more technically savvy computer users. I'm glad that you caught on to his lies before you got more involved with such a creep.

Please take my advice and be more careful from now on. If he refuses to talk on the phone or meet in person, stop talking to him right away as that is a major red flag. If one's actions don't match their words, delete him from your life and move on. If you are tempted to send risque pics in the future, never include your head in the pic! And of course, don't give out to much personal info at once. Ask lots of questions. Often liars will often slip up. I hope this helped!

Oh CD, you are not the only one that has been taken in by a charmer over the internet. It happened to me too. I fell pretty hard. He seemed so wonderful, so right for me. He and I exchanged some of the best emails. There were no photos and when I mentioned about getting together, he started to back off. The emails also began to suffer and he started to take offense at trivial matters. That was his way of getting out of something before taking the next step. Unfortunately, I was well on my way to falling in love.

You say you have learned your lesson and Shy Introvert raised some good points about future dating via the internet. But I've been so hurt that I am afraid to try again. I'm sure I am likely to fall into another trap if I look. I'm thinking of giving up.

Moral of story: Online shopping is not all it's cracked up to be.

OMG, you ladies really need to check out the following links, especially the last one! Things are much worse than I ever suspected!

How To Spot an Online Dating Player | WeLoveDates

Living With A Psychopath - When The Mask Slips.: How To Spot The Online Cyberpath/Player.

Just google how to spot an Internet player and all sorts of sites will come up! To sum it up, some men will fake injuries, job titles, illnesses, and even some women will pretend to be men using voice altering machines! There are some sick, sick people out there who intentionally seek out vulnerable and lonely people online, and not just on dating sites.

They do it for attention and to stroke their ego. Chances are that they are losers in real life who can't get most women to pay attention to them. Perhaps they live at home and are looking to sponge off you in some way. Never ever offer to borrow money to anyone on here! Also, be very, very careful about sexting and sharing risque pics of yourself as well as your personal info like your address.

If the guy you're talking to refuses to meet in person, delete and block him asap! When some people are lonely and vulnerable with low self esteem, it's hard to resist getting what you think is exclusive attention from someone who is considered to be a "catch". Especially if you've been told that you're not worthy, loveable, not attractive, or have been in bad relationships before. Thank goodness that I'm married! Online dating seems like a nightmare, literally!

There is this movie based on a real life story called TalHotBlond that is quite good. The twist at the end was great. I did not see that coming! It's sad, but it's very enlightening. On a positive note, not everyone on dating sites are out to use and abuse you for attention, sex, or money.

There is a BETTER way to meet people for dates, and that place is meetup.com! It's free to join and you get to see what the person really looks and sounds like in person! Of course they could still lie about other things, but at least you know who you'll be dealing with in person, and in the safety of a group too! If you ladies decide to meet someone in person, always make it at a public place!

Oh, and if that place happens to be at a bar late at night, the guy is a pig who is only after sex. I used to listen to this sexist guy called Tom Lykas quite a bit and he always advised guys to take women to bars, get them drunk, and dump them after the third date if they don't put out. It's called a Tom Lykas date. He also advised men to spend no more than a total of $40 on a woman before they get dumped.

Wow, there are some really pathetic and scary dogs out there! Ugh! On a final note, always review all emails and look for any inconsistencies. You can also find out if they're lying or not very easily by enlisting the help of a trusted and objective female friend or relative. I hope this helped ladies!

By help, I mean have them approach him online and see if he tells them the same kind of things. Their real pic doesn't need to be used. They can just use one of a pretty model on here, lol!

Interesting.....my horse vet 10 years ago went onto the Christian dating site & found a wonderful mate he got married to after a very bad marriage & divorce.......so I left my H 6 years ago....still NOT divorced...at first it was my protection against dealing with any men in my life....other than nice friends.....now I am working on the divorce (this last year.....I'm slow at getting all the information together being gone for 6 years & having left everything when I left 2100 miles away).

I am sorry you got sucked into this scheme......sometimes we have to learn the hard way.....but thanks for sharing so hopefully others won't & for validating those of us even farther for the values we hold against intimacy outside of marriage.

My values have always been....anything intimate no matter what is within marriage......I will hold to those values until the day I die. I can live without male attention....it's NOT what makes me who I am....I learned that as a senior in high school back in 1970.....this just validates my feelings on this even more.

If we don't all speak out when we've been taken advantage of then the perps of our pain get away with inflicting wounds on more victims! I was in a LTR with a man who asked me to marry him. One day without snooping I came across a bunch of stuff on the computer where he was downloading photos and sex chats he was having with women on the internet. I also found a calendar that had appointments to meet women in local motels. I told everyone we both knew about it because I wanted them all to know what kind of person he is. There were some I told who suggested I should avoid the embarrassment and NOT tell. I didn't do anything wrong so I didn't have anything to be embarrassed about! Bless you for speaking out!

Thank you for your suggestions!

You were brave and strong to take action...I'm sorry you were even at the point where you discussed marriage, that must have been heartbreaking!

I realized, with two losses (death) in my family this year, that I am a prime candidate target for these kinds of people...that in saturating myself with the kind of victimizing thinking that he has, I relive again and again the pain of my biological family.
That in beleiving that I somehow can "save" him, or heal him, or in other words, see him in a way that no one else can, that I re-enact the poisonous relationship of my family, making myself into a victim again.
I don't WANT to be a victim anymore, I don't want to be an "option", and I don't want to save anyone but myself.
I need to save myself from being used and that means, I need to take time to recoup-no more dating for a while. Not until I'm strong again...sad...

Oh dear do I understand and comprehend......... I too commenced a relationship under similar circumstances and guess what????? I'm still in it and stuck, going through hell, he has pictures of buckets of other women on old phones that were sent at the same time he was wooing me and I was "The one".........currently facing the possibility he is a sex addict and really struggling.