Cannot end relationship but must

I've been in an off on again relationship with a man for the past year. We are both in our mid fifties, are professionals and always have a great time together. Problem is, he's not in love with me. While we're both highly functional, we're both nuts. I think he is mildly borderline, he puts people on pedestals then throws them in the gutter when he realizes they're human. He has frequent emotional sways, He's a bit compulsive when shopping. He has too much art, too many motorcycles, etc., it's plain weird. I think internet dating is now one of his compulsions. Just as he sits all day sifting through eBay for art or spot iffy for music, he sifts through online profiles by the hour, almost everyday!

He has friended women on fb occasionally who are so wrong for him, I've come to suspect he develops penpal relationships and toys with the emotions of these women. Eww. I believe he does this for the ego stroke. He's very charming. He also goes after local women who are more his type and he toys with them too. Sometimes he finds perfection but it blows up quickly because she's human, more often he'll take the woman out multiple times, showing them a great time ( he is great company!) because he likes them as people, but they ask him where it's going and he says nowhere.. They become angry because they feel toyed with and he tailspins into manic depression because he's been called on the carpet and doesn't understand their anger.

This is when our relationship goes back on again for a couple months until he gets bored or meets someone online who seems pedestal worthy. We've ended things about five times, each time initiated by him and executed like a jr high schooler, meaning he's run away without a word, won't answer calls, etc. each time he's handled it progressively better so there's been some emotional growth, but still. This time he's not bothering to slam the door in my face. It's strange... He's texting me, and says nice playful things, asked me earlier this week if I'd mind researching a vacation to Europe and offered to pay for it, but I haven't seen him for a week and a half..two weekends and not a date. I know he's out meeting women from the sites.

So my problem is this. I'm obsessed. I keep thinking he'll come around and realize I'm the one. But I know in my head I need to end this thing. I have no intention spending 2014 on the roller coaster I lived on in 2013. I love him, we talk about music, literature, art all with a very intelligent humor. Our physical relationship could not be better. I've spent a lot of time internet dating too and would say most of my dates have been death by boredom. He makes me ecstatic in so many ways, still, I must end it. I am not loved, he comes back to me not for me, but when he needs comfort and unconditional love. He wines, dines and entertains me par excellence, for the comfortable companionship and I give him my love. But it is all about him. I'm tired of feeling inadequate.

How do I leave him?

Sorry for the long post?

Should have said this is ruining my life and health... I think and fret and am anxious about it. I hurt often. The only peace I've had are the times after I've weathered the intense heart ache after he's left, only to have him come back again.

You deserve someone who wants to be with you. Right now, you are his "backup". He will keep searching for something he can never find. His putting people on pedestals is a defense mechanism. When they turn out to be simply human, he has an excuse to leave the relationship. Has he ever married? If not, at this point in his life, I can tell you he never will.

At any rate, I hope you can stop obsessing over him. His charm is only skin deep. Look for that peace you have when he's gone,and make it permanent.

What are your options? You could leave him completely. Or you could plan for a (temporary) separation. Or you can change the way that you think about yourself, your feelings, or about him. Is it worth it to you - to spend any time with him (for the fun, companionship)? Or does his attitude result in you feeling lousy about yourself? Why put yourself through that? Sounds like he just isn't growing up - in his views about other people and relationships (or others' feelings). And if you're always there for him, why would he change? If he's looking for the perfect woman - it's in his mind (or what he's learned) - and who can ever live up to that? Why invest your time with someone who doesn't accept you?

I would go cold turkey. Cut off all contact. Delete all his contact details, block him on Facebook, don't reply when he contacts you. Find activities that distract you from thinking about him and try to change the subject in your head whenever he pops into your mind.

Easier said than done, of course!

I agree with all replies here....life is passing by and theres no getting younger. Make your moments count by spending them with people who can actually give you back the love.
Him treating everyone like a doormat isn't going to get him or this relationship anywhere...

You've been with him for a year, and though breakups are tough you gotta know whats the best for you. Your love shouldnt be trampled upon like that - thats not fair to you.

I would say hvert has a point, cutting him out of your life and engaging in other activities could help you a lot!

@ ifthespiritmoves me: He was married for 25 years... He has yet to really take ownership of his own lot. Really, his problems are his problems, I'm trying to take ownership of mine and am just starting to try to learn about overcoming obsession. I guess awareness is the first step, not sure what to do next.

@Rose3: Yes, I've come to realize I have 3 options 1) leave him cold turkey 2) Stay, fret, suffer, hurt 3) Stay for the good times while living my life for myself and keeping my options open. Ideally, I would do #3, but find myself gravitating towards #2 involuntarily... Even if I do #1, which may happen sooner than later, I find I've always had this obsessiveness about the men in my life, so I feel I need to deal with it, otherwise it will always be part of the mix.

@hvert: see above

@misplaced_08: He hasn't really trampled me. He's been up front and honest. He has been very nice to me frequently. He's not a typical narcissist in the sense that he tries to undermine my sense of self or self esteem. Clearly he has issues, he is emotionally needy. But the bottom line is while "he loves me" he's not "in-love" with me. At this point, I'm trying to deal not with his problems, but with mine, the most pressing one is that I guess I'm emotionally needy too?? Not sure why I keep making him the center of my universe... trying to think more about my self and my needs. It's hard!

Have you had therapy? If you have a good time when you are together, what is this "more" you are looking for? Do you really have a relationship to end? See him when you want to, otherwise be busy when he calls. Is being involved with him stopping you from meeting someone more suitable? If you dont have a better choice, he doesnt become a better choice just by virtue of you stopping looking for other choices. Some men dont want to get married again because they dont want to divorce and lose half their worldly belongings again. Aside from the fact that its depressing.

Thx hankster... yes, I see the value here. Trust me. As long as I stick to my guns and go out and live more fully, seeing other people too, without fretting, then this would be good and perhaps(?) might be temporary, in the event I meet someone else who I click with and is interested in a more exclusive relationship.

I am 5 1/2 years into a relationship with a bi polar man. He has now developed a relationship with a woman who is 18 years younger. He is wealthy and works out and right now his EGO is in overdrive. All i can think about is how much I love him but also how 5 1/2 years of my life are gone for someone I wasn't good enough to commit to wholeheartedly. I know your pain....please feel free to message me. I hope you can find some peace somehow. I know how hard this is....I am crying everyday and feel my World is ending. These men truly ONLY love themselves.

I'm so sorry to hear this... I know well how you are suffering... This is my second time around with this sort of thing. The first was with a narcissist and the relationship ended after 3 years. He just walked away one day.

My question is why do we do this to ourselves and why can't we stop?

Missinformed, as hard as it might be, do not think of yourself unworthy of love. I went into a deep hibernation after the first break up. I didn't come out for three entire years. I have vowed not to go there again and am trying to find the strength to bust through this and seek out that which we all deserve and are worthy of

the only answer I can even begin to give you now is I love him. I have ended mine. He is seeing this woman yet he still is texting me saying he loves me...calling me baby...hell he just gave me $13,000 which I put down on a new car. (this happened a week before it all blew up) I was planning to move to his area and we were planning our life. I have no idea what he was thinking. That is why I found this site. I am trying to figure out IF he is truly ill (bi polar) and I should be more understanding OR If he is just a bad guy. He said today he knows he has ruined everything and almost sounds remorseful yet was hurt that I broke up with him. I am not sure these men are capable of loving anyone. I think WE are women who love til the end. It is unselfish and detrimental to our mental health to allow these men to do this.

#3 does sound like the most ideal solution, but it's hard to get to that place emotionally.

I think about addictive relationships the same way I think about smoking. I can't smoke just one. I know there are people out there who can have just one drink or one cigarette, but most of us have to go cold turkey

I too have been in a couple of relationships like this (one very recently). It is so hard but i have to agree that going cold turkey is the best. Half assed relationships always end in heartbreak and it doesn't matter WHY he is doing what he is doing. What matters is what you are willing to tolerate and what is good for you.

I am with Hankster voting for #3. You do have a good time with him; he is not a stalker or otherwise a threat to you. Plus, when you even things out, ie you get a life outside of your relationship with this man, he just might finally notice that he ain't the center of the universe. Let us know how he will deal with that revelation!

Agree, with Ham-Bam; And, if he does realize he's not the center of the universe, at the same time that you realize he isn't the center of your universe, life may start to feel better for you.

Yes... Sadly, I think you are right. Part of me hopes I will never hear from him again. I've been through this on/off again thing a few times with him, and it always hurts. Not as much each time. I woke up pain free and was grateful, but it has set in as the day went by without hearing from him. When my thoughts drift to him I am trying to remember to say to myself "I am the center of my universe... take care and think of me." I am trying every trick in the book to buoy my spirits, to not sink into despair.

The scariest part is that I will hear from him again. It's only been a few days, but I see the signs, he has decided to disappear again. This time, I have the self respect not to reach out, even gently as I have done in the past. Or maybe he will just fade away. Sometimes the periods of silence have lasted 6 weeks. This is one of the horrible things about it... I don't know. He could disrupt my life again just as Ive started putting the pieces together as he's done in the past. As I write this I am thinking "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." I want to put it out of my mind and give myself some peace.

I hope I have the strength not to respond if/when he contacts me. In the past, I've been overcome with grief. I'm sad this time too, but I know these ropes, I will get through it eventually... My biggest problems now are trying not to obsess, but focus on me and my life, and my weakness/addiction to him, to somehow overcome my weakness and resist him when he resurfaces. I know I have to take responsibility for my continued misery and must actively work to end it.

You just tell him that it's been interesting and fun, now and then, but you are not available for this anymore. Then you don't hope that he will counter by saying that he will change. He won't. He can't. You ask him to not call anymore or text or stop by your place. Then you make good on your new boundaries, which he is not allowed inside of.

I think you know what your have to do. I think you are wondering is there any way to make it less hard. If only . . . if only. It's going to be hard because you are obsessed. And you are bored enough with the rest of your life to believe that you need him to keep life interesting. So your problem is broader than just with this relationship.

You are fascinated with analyzing him. If you cut the tie and let some time go by, you'll eventually look back and realize that he's not truly all that interesting. But getting to that point is going to be hard for you. You're addicted.

Wow..Rose76, you get my problem!

I am bored, empty, and he is thrilling. Not saying I don't bring my own things to the table, I'm pretty awesome too, but I really need to develop my own fulfilling life. Deal with the inner void. This is what I call the mother problem, what you call the bigger broader problem. Sounds like you are familiar?

I am torn about telling him to FO. Sorry for the language, but I do feel anger sometimes, rarely, but want to allow myself to express it. I have thought about it. Am not there yet. I think I still harbor the hope that somehow things will work out.

Most of the things Ive read online about breakups have been superficial and hokie, but I stumbled on a page that was great. One of the lines I remember was that one of the "10" things to do to deal with it was to kill hope. As long as hope was alive, healing wasn't possible. I know this intellictually, but a part of me doesn't want to kill the hope. This is part of my obsession/sickness. But I am striving for this. I feel like I am making progress, wish I would hurry up a bit

It will never be less hard.. but yes, I am clinging to the hope that it will be. Since I've been here before, I think my problem is bigger than "him." I worry that I shouldn't date anyone else (not that I'm ready to), until I figure out why I am this way.

You have no idea about the addiction... the things I think and do, the time and emotions I invest, it's just insane.

Yeah, I've been there. Even after the guy told me how limited the relationship was going to be, I still thought it would be worth pursuing for whatever it could be. I had so little knowledge of life and of what decent people offer each other. I thought that something that's not too good would be better than nothing at all. I am shocked at how much I have forgotten about this guy over the years, when there was once a time when he seemed utterly captivating.

Looking back, I know I got addicted. As far as me not knowing about addiction . . . you have no idea. I got psychotic at times. I can't even go into examples. It was too sick. Insane is not too strong a word at all.

You might never figure out why you are as you are. You really don't have to. What you've already figured out is enough to tell you what to do and what not to do.

I did the addiction thing for years and look back at some of the crazy, obsessive stuff I did and am really, really embarrassed. There are some places I don't even want to show my face anymore. The only way I could end an addiction to a person was by replacing them with a new person, and even that didn't work all the time.

I finally got to the point where I just stopped dating for a year. During my off time, I made a list of red flags that indicated the relationship would go nowhere. I did not go on dates with anyone who had one of those red flags, no matter how charming they seemed.

It turned out okay for me. The first person I met who passed my test has been my boyfriend for six years now! Good luck -- it's very, very hard to give up these people.

What were your red flags?

Yes, and it's a pattern that has repeated itself... he's back on the scene. I allowed him in, but for what and how long. Another heartache and psychotic episode is aroung the bend. How did you overcome your addiction?