[changethecycle]

I can't help but feel like I may be alone forever.... How will I ever be in a meaningful relationship, when the ups and downs of dating trigger my symptoms and activate my trust issues.....I feel like I need to work on me more, before I get into a commited relationship. Its been five years since my divorce and I can't seem to let anyone get too close anymore. My life has been such a revolving door that I just don't know if I'm strong enough to handle falling in love or actually the risk of a broken heart.....I know that love is a risk, but does having major depressive disorder have to mean its a risk I can't take....dating triggers everything from my childhood abuse and a whole host of other challenges......I'm tired of being lonely but I guess its safer than the alternative....hopefully one day I will get to a point in therapy where this will all be a memory of my past.....I won't hold my breath.....Can anyone relate?

[Alone & confused]

It's not easy, but it can be done. It took me a long time to find someone who could put up with my bipolar/depression long enough for me to TRY to learn to trust again after my two abusive marriages. I didn't want to be alone either, didn't trust Anyone, but I knew if I didn't keep trying I would stay alone & the depression would only get worse because I felt so alone. Don't give up hope. We're here for you!

[changethecycle]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

It's not easy, but it can be done. It took me a long time to find someone who could put up with my bipolar/depression long enough for me to TRY to learn to trust again after my two abusive marriages. I didn't want to be alone either, didn't trust Anyone, but I knew if I didn't keep trying I would stay alone & the depression would only get worse because I felt so alone. Don't give up hope. We're here for you!

Thank you, I guess I remain hopeful, but more and more I wonder if I should even be dating..when it goes bad I get into a funk that takes all of my energy and resources to climb out of....its so draining and re inforces one of my negative core beliefs which is, maybe I'm really not lovable after all...if I feel this bad during dating how am I even going to handle a relationship.....thank you again for your comment...it means a lot to know that someone is there

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by changethecycle

Thank you, I guess I remain hopeful, but more and more I wonder if I should even be dating..when it goes bad I get into a funk that takes all of my energy and resources to climb out of....its so draining and re inforces one of my negative core beliefs which is, maybe I'm really not lovable after all...if I feel this bad during dating how am I even going to handle a relationship.....thank you again for your comment...it means a lot to know that someone is there

You're so welcome! I feel "unloveable" too which makes it hard for me to believe my bf can or does. It's hard on him I know, but for "some reason" he's hung in there for 6 years now despite my manic episodes where I've tried to run him off, only to stabilize & want him back. I guess what I'm saying is, there Are SPECIAL people out there who can love us through our pain & in spite of how we see ourselves. We just have to keep our eyes, hearts, & minds open to find them. I'm here anytime you need to talk ! Feel better!

[changethecycle]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

You're so welcome! I feel "unloveable" too which makes it hard for me to believe my bf can or does. It's hard on him I know, but for "some reason" he's hung in there for 6 years now despite my manic episodes where I've tried to run him off, only to stabilize & want him back. I guess what I'm saying is, there Are SPECIAL people out there who can love us through our pain & in spite of how we see ourselves. We just have to keep our eyes, hearts, & minds open to find them. I'm here anytime you need to talk ! Feel better!

It sounds like you have found your needle in a hay stack! That's so great....hold on to him...thanks you have helped to restore a little of my faith....I always seem to push men away before they find out how much of a mess I feel that I am....fearing that they won't understand....my ex husband didn't understand....instead of being supportive he became part of the problem.....never took the time to even read up on depression and came from a family where mental illness was said to be the devil....yeah...good times.....now that his daughter has depression he still hasn't picked up a book or an article on the subject.....perhaps that's why I push men away

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by changethecycle

It sounds like you have found your needle in a hay stack! That's so great....hold on to him...thanks you have helped to restore a little of my faith....I always seem to push men away before they find out how much of a mess I feel that I am....fearing that they won't understand....my ex husband didn't understand....instead of being supportive he became part of the problem.....never took the time to even read up on depression and came from a family where mental illness was said to be the devil....yeah...good times.....now that his daughter has depression he still hasn't picked up a book or an article on the subject.....perhaps that's why I push men away

I certainly understand that! I've thrown Many "frogs" back into the pond trying to find my "prince" & because of my mood swings, I Still can't keep my mind made up that he's "the one". If I could just find a way to remain stable, I think we'd be ok but I can't count on that so I have to remind myself whenever I'm out of control how good he is to me (when I'm stable). I have a completely different mindset for each of my moods. It's messed up!

[changethecycle]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

I certainly understand that! I've thrown Many "frogs" back into the pond trying to find my "prince" & because of my mood swings, I Still can't keep my mind made up that he's "the one". If I could just find a way to remain stable, I think we'd be ok but I can't count on that so I have to remind myself whenever I'm out of control how good he is to me (when I'm stable). I have a completely different mindset for each of my moods. It's messed up!

That's a lot to handle...it's so not fair, but I guess life isn't fair...so I guess it just is what it is....have you read up on CBT and DBT....They are very helpfull skills to aquirenall be it tough to master....I used to be in an intensive program that consisted of an entire day of back to back group therapy 5 days a week.....anyway its all about changing the mind set and establishing positive core beliefs.....I'm rambling but as much as I hate to say it, it really helped me a lot....like any skill I guess if you don't use it you lose it....I'm gonna take my own advice and get back into practicing them both....did me more good than anything....moods are tough to navigate without good coping skills....my moods are sad, iritable,just all around bad, with the best mood being just ok and that's usually the shortest mood of all....its tough to know how to fit love in between the moods

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by changethecycle

That's a lot to handle...it's so not fair, but I guess life isn't fair...so I guess it just is what it is....have you read up on CBT and DBT....They are very helpfull skills to aquirenall be it tough to master....I used to be in an intensive program that consisted of an entire day of back to back group therapy 5 days a week.....anyway its all about changing the mind set and establishing positive core beliefs.....I'm rambling but as much as I hate to say it, it really helped me a lot....like any skill I guess if you don't use it you lose it....I'm gonna take my own advice and get back into practicing them both....did me more good than anything....moods are tough to navigate without good coping skills....my moods are sad, iritable,just all around bad, with the best mood being just ok and that's usually the shortest mood of all....its tough to know how to fit love in between the moods

I've seen people talk about it in the forum but haven't got around to researching it yet. My moods are : stable- when I'm functioning & coping
Depressed - where I'm angry, sad, untrusting, suspicious
Or manic- where I'm either OVERLY ENERGETIC & can take on the world or HIGHLY AGGRESSIVE & just want to fight about Everything! It's exhausting to try to hold it all together!

[changethecycle]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

I've seen people talk about it in the forum but haven't got around to researching it yet. My moods are : stable- when I'm functioning & coping
Depressed - where I'm angry, sad, untrusting, suspicious
Or manic- where I'm either OVERLY ENERGETIC & can take on the world or HIGHLY AGGRESSIVE & just want to fight about Everything! It's exhausting to try to hold it all together!

I wish you didn't have to go through that....that does sound very exhausting....I can relate to angry, sad,untrusting and suspicious.....I am so the opposite of overly energetic.....some days its a struggle to get through my daily tasks....its crazy to feel like you can't do something even though logically you know you can and have done it....some days I wish I could sleep my life away and not have to cope with anything.....thank god for my kids, because without them I'm not even sure I would ever leave the house.....I wish I could shut off feelings of lonliness while I focus on trying to make a better life for my kids and I.....being single is probably for the best considering the circumstances

[LadyShadow]

Hi. I can totally relate to your feelings about relationships. I am recently getting over a painful breakup where the guy completely freaked out, blocked me and completely ignores me now because of my terrible mood swings and bipolar. Its almost as if he used it against me as a reason to leave me. It hurts so bad right now, and it feels as if I will be alone forever as well.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by changethecycle

I wish you didn't have to go through that....that does sound very exhausting....I can relate to angry, sad,untrusting and suspicious.....I am so the opposite of overly energetic.....some days its a struggle to get through my daily tasks....its crazy to feel like you can't do something even though logically you know you can and have done it....some days I wish I could sleep my life away and not have to cope with anything.....thank god for my kids, because without them I'm not even sure I would ever leave the house.....I wish I could shut off feelings of lonliness while I focus on trying to make a better life for my kids and I.....being single is probably for the best considering the circumstances

I know what you mean. I stay on the depressive side more often than not. My 5 kids & 4 grand babies keep me going. I'd be perfectly content to sleep til the second coming of Jesus Christ if people would leave me alone & let me sleep! But that's obviously not going to happen.

[changethecycle]

Originally Posted by PlatinumHeart

Hi. I can totally relate to your feelings about relationships. I am recently getting over a painful breakup where the guy completely freaked out, blocked me and completely ignores me now because of my terrible mood swings and bipolar. Its almost as if he used it against me as a reason to leave me. It hurts so bad right now, and it feels as if I will be alone forever as well.

That's awful, I'm sorry that your going through this...you don't choose your moods and I hope you find a man that will accept and support you as you are....break ups are never easy, but dealing with a breakup and a mental illness is an all together different story.....you will get through this....just as you have gotten through break ups in your past....try to hang in there and lean on your supports.....hate to sound cliche but better that you know now, then being stuck in a marriage and have that happen.....thanks for sharing
Keep your head up

[changethecycle]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

I know what you mean. I stay on the depressive side more often than not. My 5 kids & 4 grand babies keep me going. I'd be perfectly content to sleep til the second coming of Jesus Christ if people would leave me alone & let me sleep! But that's obviously not going to happen.

Lol yeah I can't imagine sleep is in the cards anytime kids are involved.....my kids are up @ 6am even on weekends....its delightful

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by changethecycle

I can't help but feel like I may be alone forever.... How will I ever be in a meaningful relationship, when the ups and downs of dating trigger my symptoms and activate my trust issues.....I feel like I need to work on me more, before I get into a commited relationship. Its been five years since my divorce and I can't seem to let anyone get too close anymore. My life has been such a revolving door that I just don't know if I'm strong enough to handle falling in love or actually the risk of a broken heart.....I know that love is a risk, but does having major depressive disorder have to mean its a risk I can't take....dating triggers everything from my childhood abuse and a whole host of other challenges......I'm tired of being lonely but I guess its safer than the alternative....hopefully one day I will get to a point in therapy where this will all be a memory of my past.....I won't hold my breath.....Can anyone relate?

Hello changethecycle-

Oh, boy can I relate. I too went through a divorce and the self-worth that I have always struggled with hit a new low. I have been isolated-for a few reasons-and it's been years since I've been in a relationship. I also battle with depression and PTSD and I am so wary of triggers sending me into a deeper despair. And, I can also relate to the childhood abuse. You could have been writing about me. I wonder if I will ever be able to be in a relationship-if I will ever be able to re-join the world again. I am constantly working on my issues and problems, to try to work through all of the trauma and everything else that has happened but it is so hard doing it alone. I am sorry that you have these same struggles and I wish you all the best.

[hugbear]

I have been with the same person for 15 years and then he cheats and wants to break up.

Honestly I just can't move on, but at the same time I know that being alone is not the end of the world, actually there is something that excites me about that thought.

I think if we just accept ourselves and don't get into the mentality that I need to be with someone then our lives will be much better , well thats what I am hoping anyway LOL

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by changethecycle

Lol yeah I can't imagine sleep is in the cards anytime kids are involved.....my kids are up @ 6am even on weekends....its delightful

Mine too. Lol. Can't we at least have one day to sleep in??

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues

Hello changethecycle-

Oh, boy can I relate. I too went through a divorce and the self-worth that I have always struggled with hit a new low. I have been isolated-for a few reasons-and it's been years since I've been in a relationship. I also battle with depression and PTSD and I am so wary of triggers sending me into a deeper despair. And, I can also relate to the childhood abuse. You could have been writing about me. I wonder if I will ever be able to be in a relationship-if I will ever be able to re-join the world again. I am constantly working on my issues and problems, to try to work through all of the trauma and everything else that has happened but it is so hard doing it alone. I am sorry that you have these same struggles and I wish you all the best.

Well you're not entirely alone. You've got us to lean on & talk to. It's a place to start anyway. I haven't been on my meds in years but I think being here helps me more than the meds ever did. Hope things get better for you soon!

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

Well you're not entirely alone. You've got us to lean on & talk to. It's a place to start anyway. I haven't been on my meds in years but I think being here helps me more than the meds ever did. Hope things get better for you soon!

Hello Alone & Confused-

I don't mean to disrupt this thread but I want to thank you so much for responding to my post. I have been feeling invisible and your words mean so much to me. It's great that you have found help being a part of this forum. I think this forum is awesome and I'm glad I joined-although I have been feeling that there isn't any hope left for me.

[changethecycle]

Hello Crimson Blues....I can't tell you what a relief it is to know that your not alone in your struggles and your right it is mostly a fear of the downward spiral that is my symptoms that I fear the most.....I have become quick at cutting people off at the slightest negative....on one hand its good, but for the most part it keeps me alone....I try to take things slow, but I find the men I date and actually like just get bored after awhile....I try to tell myself its for the best and obviously they would not have been good for me anyway but that certainly doesn't cure the lonliness....I'm clinging to hope but I think it may be a long time before I can handle the ups and downs that come with a relationship.....Thank you for sharing your story....there is strength in knowing your not alone

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[changethecycle]

That's a great attitude and you are right about being single....there are certainly pros and cons....I guess for me after 5 years of being single I'm started to miss the companionship most of all....Thank you for sharing and keep up the positive attitude!

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[changethecycle]

I guess not lol....its stinks because even when my kids are away I still wake up at 6am....its like I'm now cursed by that inner alarm system called force of habit....Coffee and 5 hour energy are my friends lol

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