Hubby wanting to know what did u talk about in T

Hi. I have not posted here in this forum for quite some time. Let me explain my delema. My H and I started marriage T 2 years ago. Over the course of time the T decided to do some individual therapy with us both separately. We come back together for sessions once a month maybe. The T has realized that I am kinda fearful and not as forthcoming when my H is around and when she has just him he portrays it as things are "Great" and I see it much differently. We are on the verge of splitting up because he has been verbally and emotionally abusive in the past. He has greatly lessened those occurrences by the way but lessened is not the same as completely stopped.

Here is the problem:

The issues mostly lies with him badgering me after T to see what we talked about. I try to give him something but he just wants to know every detail and I am not up for discussing everything with him. I had T yesterday and Last night he pestered me till I gave him something brief that we talked about. Then later, like 30 min later, he asked so what else did yall talk about. Then after a little bit he says is that all yall talked about. If I don't answer him or say not much then he says "do we need to keep going then" , or "it cost to much just to sit and have chit chat with the T" . If I tell him I do not want to talk about it then he gets angry and decides to turn the tables and hurt me by telling me I am being closed minded, I am not being relational and the worst thing he tells me if he doesn't get answers is , that I have something to hide and I am distrustful and deceptive. Those are all issues that we are working on. So he is saying he is trying to make things better and I am not. None of those are he is saying to me are true. I want him to leave me alone. Can't he just let my issues be my issues. Even though they are sometimes "Our " issues can't I just work threw them alone. If they need to involve him the T will tell him or I will tell him. Until then leave me alone on this.

Have any of you ever been in a similar situation. I'd love to hear what you did to combat this. I am planning on talking to the T during my next session about this and see if she can help. I just get so tired of this every single week. Sometimes he calls me 5 min after my appointment to see how it went, and what did you talk about. I know he is insecure but he has to leave me alone. His insecurity is his issue and the reason we are in T is his issue, spousal abuse.

Any advice or thoughts, I'd love to hear it.

We've been trying some counseling and I can't talk about certain things when he's around bc later on he'll tell me I'm just trying to make him look bad and that I'm the one who really needs help. I feel like he doesn't even care anymore. Lately when he starts with that I just say, "You know what? If you wanna act like this that's your choice and it's my choice to ignore u or even leave for the night bc I'm not interested in getting *****ed at all night." I wonder if mybe keeping a journal together might help.
When I was married we would argue about things or just act like morons so we started a journal. One of us would go in and write down what/how we were feeling about certain things going on and it really helped us get along better. Sometimes writing it down instead of using verbal communication is easier for some ppl.

I am currently doing the same type of therapy. Do to my depression we can't continue the marriage counseling until I am better. My counselor has told me what we discuss is between her and I and she doesn't want me telling my husband things. That is working well for me.

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maryjain that sounds so much like my H. He reads over my shoulder everything I type on the computer and claims I am writing things to make him look bad. Anytime I talk to others he thinks I am saying bad things about him. He knows I am telling the T terrible things. If he didn't do terrible things there would not be terrible things to tell. The thing are true and it eats at him. Maybe that is why he badgers me.

Hummm. A journal. Tell me more. you write how yu are feeling and so does he. Or you write your complaints. I write al ot. The PTSD kicks in and often I cannot speak anymore. I get triggered and that is it. Conversation over. I write what I want to say and read it to my H if I can. If not I let him read it.

My husband asks too, sometimes I will give him little crumbs of info but generally I just tell him we talk about my illness. We've had issues with couples counseling too, I actually felt like crashing my car on the highway so I wouldn't have to go home and meet him there (we'd driven separately) at one instance. I understand.

Where there is abuse, one should NEVER go into couples counseling; I did that and it was a disaster......The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life and explains why couples counseling should never happen when one is being abused. The abuser needs to go ALONE to work on his issues. Unfortuntely, I learned that (as you did) too late. Unfortunately most therapists are ignorant about this issue. I told the now x he couldn't go with me anymore and continued by myself.

Doesn't he have his own T? Or if he did, would all he do is vilify you, and hence his quasi-paranoia about you talking badly about him?

Exh used to ask me, all the time, what was discussed. And would look over my shoulder to read things, etc.

Current bf. 'Was is a good meeting??' Doesn't look over my shoulder, when typing away. Even when I mentioned, that I think T is coming to an end, 'are you ready for that?' With an explanation of how/why, just to share.

Depends, I feel, on how secure another feels about themselves.

Healing - My H see the T also and I do not badger him. I always ask him though "Is there anything that happened in T that he would like to talk about". I ask because I care about him not because I care about what they were discussing. He tells me absolutely nothing that they discuss. And I am good with that. He is not good with me not telling him though.

Nichole - My H has stopped many of his abusive behaviors. T has helped a lot. He no longer blocks the door way and won't let me past, he no longer hovers over me and yells when we argue, he no longer bumps into me by "accident". Things have improved but still have a ways to go.

emomom - we drive separate almost all the time. I am to shook up emotionally to deal with him most of the time after our sessions. There have been times when it simply was not safe to leave with him. I have hung out at the T's office for an additional hour and given him time to cool down. I was so glad my T cares, and glad she got to see his anger first hand.

Mama, he knows he's in trouble with you with your marraige and truth is his insecurity is emerging from his guilt. He knows he's the one in the wrong so it not only is making him insecure and pry, it's also making him project the problem onto you as your fault so as to deflect his guilt.

Don't give in. he's wrong and he knows it. He goes to T himself and knows it's confidential and I'm sure he has his private areas that he doesn't share. He needs to give you the same respect not to ask you for it

S4, you are so right. He knows we are talking about us stuff. It is causing him to be insecure, even though he won't admit it. And he is projecting those insecurities off onto me.

I am not giving in. He has taken everything else from me, he can not have the peace of mind I have with my T away from me. That is my only safe place and I am not giving that to him to. Then I really would have nothing.

Your husband is bullying you. When you try to placate a bully, you reinforce the behavior. It's like giving in to a child who throws tantrums. I know it is tempting to try and stave off him escalating by giving him tidbits of info. But that is not really working either. It would be good for you to talk to the T about this. Then you need to stop discussing your therapy sessions with your husband.

I suppose that issues of security are at the bottom of it when people become over-controlling. It's still unwise to try and placate. You are in a tough situation.

Would seeing separate therapists help? In any case, he has no right to ask or demand to know what you talked about. The most I allow from loved ones is the following question: "Did you have a good visit?" And I say "Yes" and that's the end of it.

Good idea, tell him, The T doesn't want me discussing things. know that phrase that would follow that from him.....WHY NOT and the questions continue.

You just write what's bothering you or how u feel about something and exchange it so u can read each other's thoughts. It really does work bc sometimes it's easier to write it out before you talk it out.

In a way, shifts the responsibility back to your T. Instead of acknowledging it is overstepping bounds.

Why not? Because I just spent an hour, cannot remember every little detail. Because it takes the average therapy client days, if not weeks to process and progress. Because rehashing with him, can undo therapy. Because you want improvement, not backpedaling.

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yeah, thank you very much Healing. Good answer, I will have to tell him some of that stuff when he asks.
MJ you are correct, I am learning to write things instead of talking. I freeze quite often and can't talk. It takes me a little while to remember I can write, but then I do and it is helpful.

I just don't like talking about every little thing we discuss in T with him, and especially when he demands to know. The T has client confidentiality rules and I can I follow those if I so choose. She doesn't tell anyone what we discuss and I can choose to do the same. That is one of the answers she has given me to tell him. and she has told him to STOP IT, JUST STOP ALREADY. I will tell him what I feel like telling him when he needs to know I will tell him what I need him to know. He didn't like that answer but hey life is full of things we don't like.

The only time you ought to discuss what you say to your T with him is when YOU want to. Or, better yet... at a therapy session, together, with the T... if YOU want to. That's what I'm thinking... anyway.

ididwhat thank you, I agree 100 %. What I share is up to me, and if there is questions H can ask in our joint T session.