being fair

What do you do,when there is a stagnation in the relationship? To be specific,when two are married for many years,have kids,gone through rough long period and suddenly realize,that they mostly are companions,not spouses.There is no satisfaction from relationship,intimacy,expectations are shattered.One used to live with the hope and some expectations from the spouse,just to feel hurt from being "wrong"one,warmth and trust become elusive .To be fair,spouse feels the coldness also,which he does not welcome,but at this point,after loosing faith in relationship,one has difficulty and even no desire to work anymore on relationship,as it is always unilateral effort.One does respect the spouse ,but has no idea what else to do,when just the thought of one day worth of happiness warmth the soul..It is easy to destroy the family,harder to keep.How do you find the faith ,trust and hope again?

Sounds like you need to see someone. Your husband obviously still has feelings. That said if you need to run off and leave then you may have your mind made up.

Hi wife22, just some thoughts:
If you want to continue with the marriage or see if you want to, then have you both tried talking about what might be "missing" in the marriage, what (specific) things you miss and want back, how to work towards getting them back, what's getting in the way of things being closer between you and how you might break some of that down, the good things in the marriage and how you might build on them, some guidelines about specific things you're both going to do to make things a bit better for each other.
Having said that do you think that maybe you can make some more time just to be "together", doing more things you enjoy together, or even some different things you might enjoy together. Something to bring back that spark? Kind of cut loose from the "here and now" and rediscover things about each other.
Are there other things in your life/lives that might be impacting on the relationship as well, though? e.g. anything with the kids, feeling there isn't "enough" in your life, any dreams/goals that have kind of sat by the wayside?
And maybe it's worth seeing a couples counselor?? What do you think?
But if you find out that you've just grown too far apart after trying to resolve things then you both might find yourself happier with a fresh/new start. There can sometimes come a point where "life's too short" and.....time to move on. Make sure you don't miss that point if it comes.
Alison

Thank you both for the reply.
Alison, have tried to see his point of view,gave him everything I had and created what I could.what makes me reluctant to try again is fear of rejection ,mistrust towards me,frequent expression of my inadequacy according to him.The question is how to overcome my feelings ,when he doesn't want to accept any responsibility of the current marriage condition,convinced that it is my problem and my behavior which is inappropriate ,since I don't think and react like him.I never brought up counseling with him as his temperament would not allow that

Is there any way you could convince him to go to therapy as a favor to you, or as a duty as a husband?

Hi wife22, these bits: "frequent expression of my inadequacy according to him", "convinced that it is my problem and my behavior which is inappropriate, since I don't think and react like him". Seems to me that there's a lack of respect there!!
People aren't going to agree with each other all the time, and sometimes they can get frustrated/irritated by things but this certainly seems a big step on from that.
Now looking at your marriage again would you say that there's emotional abuse there?
What you've said is certainly throwing some warning signs my way.
Now, do you really want to pursue the marriage?
If your answers "yes" and you think there's a chance you could lay things on the line for him inc. how you're feeling, and negotiate some kind of counseling with him, and if there's a chance it might help, (or if just talking between you would help!!) then fine. But if not, is this what you really want from marriage/from life??!!
Alison

I am reluctant to bring up counseling or therapy issue,because I am don't know how he would react,though I do realize,there is no way to know and nothing to loose,but try...it's just I am tired of being told I'm wrong.For very long time I was trying to keep things up,swallowing the pain and pacifying the situation,this is not what I imagined marriage to be:I wanted friend,protector,lover as a husband....but reality was and is different.Every time I try to work thing out,I give as much as I can,he take is as granted without return.THe question is, is he really attracted to me,does he really love me, when he says he needs to tell me what to do,whom to talk,how to behave.I want out of this ,I want to feel myself,but I don't want to be easy quitter,if it makes sense.Hence,the confusion and the feeling of being stuck.

Not to be a quitter when it's his way or the highway???

If he won't accept responsibility for himself and you are trying to please him, I don't see how things can change? Figure out what you want for yourself and then share with him what you want and your plans to work toward that and invite him to join you. For example, if you want to try therapy, tell him you are going to set up an appointment and would really like him to come too to see if the two of you can work in the marriage difficulties, ask him does he have a preference of time, thearpist's gender, type, etc. and then set up the appointment. If he does/does not come with you, that will tell you a great deal about his personal commitment to you. Words aren't cutting it, it is going to require action. If he does the "your fault, I don't need therapy" then throw back at him, "Maybe not, but I want you there with me, it takes two to tango". If he is not interested even in helping you become better (from his point of view, if it is all your "fault") then he's all talk and no loving "partner" action and, presumably, that is not what you want/need in your life at this time?

I wasted a lot of time. My husband and I continued to lose respect for each other....in the "hope" that things would get better. Maybe if we would have just recognized - maybe through counseling - that it was not going to work - we would have not been so destructive to one another. I received counceling - he did not - he wanted just me to go. Resentment does not usually just disappear one day. I do not regret being married to him. I regret that I did not have the guts to get out for my own sake as well as his. Does not always have to be a divorce but it will not get better by itself

Brainhi,you mentioned not having guts to change.......at times I wonder,maybe I just don't have guts to say enough is enough,not for my sake only,but for the sake of my kids,I don't want them to think this is what a marriage is.I can support myself and kids financially,I am sure,so I am unsure what is holding me back from telling him to learn to listen,even girls are telling me they wouldn't share because he wouldn't listen....It feels like I have suppressed my emotions for too long and I have difficult finding them now (positive or negative), i am on autopilot

Your children will follow your lead. Get them help as well. Have them start learning the tools to cope with this situation and other situations as they encounter them in life. Show them that getting help is a SMART THING to do. If everyone is learning to cope with family life...maybe hubby will be interested in what your are doing, maybe not..but at least you and your children will be better equipped to deal with what lies ahead. This must be painful as well for you. I hope the pain does not last very long for you and the family. You need to feel your emotions - but IMO you need a professional to help.

What does hold you back, from confronting him about feeling unheard?

Thank you all for the input.i do realize I have to regain some control over my emotions and not follow the lead blindly,I suppose fear of being unheard and stirring bigger storm holds me back .I keep putting it off "till next fight" every time