In love with someone else

I like to consider all points of view. And, choose not to judge... if possible. As the song goes: "... there's three sides to every story: there's your's; there's mine, and there's the cold hard truth..."
I find the fact that soccerdad is laying this all out asking for input as a sign of good faith. He's trying... making an effort. You wanna look back knowing you had integrity... I mean, give the guy some credit for entertaining our opinions... and laying his world out as best he can.
I give you credit for asking for help. I'm funny that way, maybe.

he judges his wife for all to read and not himself. He lays out his wife's personal details for all to read and tells us what a great person he is - and that is the cold hard truth.

He is asking for opinion and he is getting mine. I care for him and want him to be happy and if I had a way to help him I would. I do not believe that way is telling him that he doesn't have to face up to how he is being and have respect for his wife and actually try and feel her pain and take responsibility for betraying his family.

I am trying to help and I have got integrity. To tell him that I think he is right to talk about her in that way and not truly feel broken and disgusted with what he has done, compromises my integrity quite frankly. We all have to face our shadow and it is horrible to have to do but...

I I can't help but feel desperately sorry for her and the mess he leaves behind, she didn't deserve to have her husband do that! She maybe doesn't deserve the relationship and he has every right to leave, but should not have done that and is still in touch with the affair and still blaming her for that. And actually gave the affair credit for sending him back to his wife to make it work and not the fact that he has made his wife suffer that humiliation! Instead he is on here calling her names! shocking and unfair

I am not saying he should be punished or pay any dues or anything like that, people do bad things and make mistakes, but feeling sad and sorry and not slagging his wife off would be the right thing to do imo. He is gonna leave her for another woman and he knows it, the least he can do is be kind about her before he ruins her life!

When is he going to be sorry?

Maybe a bloke being a prick has touched a nerve with me and I am being brutal because of that. But it doesn't come from and place of hatred, it comes from a place of understanding. Sometimes it is hard to take full responsibility for something, and sometimes taking some would help!

I don't imagine, he'd post here, if he wasn't grappling with a semblance of guilt, strife, remorse.

He did seem to not paint himself, on a pedestal, from my vantage point. I've seen how emotional affairs alone can destroy a marriage, not from his or the third parties angle, either, I might add.

At the same time, his story isn't mine, nor mine the story from his wifes side.

There's been stated numerous attempts to reconcile, even from my impression, stepping away from his confidante/lover and trying to fix what's dysfunctional. He's not professing to be a saint, yet his wife doesn't sound like one either. Exploding over wanting to take a walk, but not asking, just flying off the handle...the description of the event, summarized well. It doesn't sound like she's going the extra mile. Could be a case of, it's him, not me with her...everyone else, but me, nothing wrong with me, i don't have to curb my temper type....i could be wrong, but they exist in this life we all live.

I just don't see him as all or nothing with this thread. Must be frustrating, to want to keep trying over and over and over again, to avoid societal pressures? When does she meet him halfway and make it stick? Sounds like the other woman would step back, sounds like she would, to me...


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But I could put a whole different slant on that and the fact that he doesn't make an effort and she shouldn't have to ask him to all the time. If he has been giving all his time to another woman, then he clearly hasn't done, has he?

He claimed he was upset on his wedding day about this other woman! He got it wrong and married the wrong woman and that is what he knows, trying to justify that by talking down the Mother of his children is low imo.

Plus, he is back in touch with the affair and NOT doing the right thing. He takes it out of the arena on the rights and wrongs in their marriage and continues to disrespect his wife.

He made a mistake and messed up lives. He should have ended things with his wife properly and then started something new-that is honourable. He should feel bad about that and bad that he wasn't able to make her happy (as she clearly doesn't sound it) He is claiming that he has done the right thing, when that is far from the right thing to do, in any marriage.

I am sorry but facing up to that and being sorry is the road to salvation imo

I agree the honorable thing to do would have been to end things with his wife before trodding onward with the past/new, old love. I don't see him gloating about that, either.
Perhaps, Sky Blueback, seeing your strong feelings on the subject can also help put things into perspective for the guy... provide him another way of seeing things. I feel somehow relived that my feelings on this subject are not so hot... they're removed from the scene, as it is not my own. Was a time when my anger at the seeming injustice of the situation would have prevailed. I thank you for expressing yours as I commend soccerdad for expressing his particulars.

Personally, I think soccerdad is trying to figure it out... he's aware of his mis steps, and seems weary to make any more.
And, yes, as another pointed out, we don't really know half the story here...
From what I can tell, he wants to clean things up, somehow... Isn't that a good thing.
Deception never works, that's all I know.

I shouldn't allow things to bother me so much really, and tomo I will try and take what I need to from this really; in terms of looking at how much I judged harshly and my own standing and denial about things in my life, the love and understanding I extend to another and so on....

I think to constantly question ones self is a good thing and to avoid blaming others can be difficult but the right path ultimately. I don't know if the 'tough love' language I dolled out will help at all. I don't know if it would help me either.

I just found it all very sad to read, as me and him and anybody reading this could tell the outcome=( and blame is just a product of that, and at this point, with him leaving for a happier life-she deserves better imo. We all say and do things we shouldn't tho.

I just hope he sees my point of view as well as I can understand his behaviour.

Peace out xxxx

BTW... I love the term "peace out".

i couldn't agree with you more, the double standard in today's society is dangerous and indeed it is destroying the very fabric of the institution of marriage.

i must admit it has taken great courage for you to reach out for help,
especially in the face of adversity and have to put up with people living in glass houses throwing stones at you, kudo's to you for taking the high road and keeping calm in the face of ignorance and disrespect..well done.

it takes a lot of class not to stoop to the level of your attacker and i must say i am proud of you, well done soccerdad, well done. i do believe the purpose of this forum is to help people when they are having problems and not bash them or berate them with ignorant comments, half truths , assumptions and one sided arguments. taking one person's side and not being objective never helps or solves problems,,it is more than obvious that the both of you guys are at fault..shifting the blame to only you or to only her is uninformed at the least and blatantly ignorant at the worst.

it is a shame that people would come on this forum and berate someone because of their personal beliefs or take out their own past personal demons on someone that is genuinely seeking help..shame on anyone that would do that..i say this because how many other people that may be reading this forum that may be in a similar situation may now be afraid to reach out for help for fear of being crucified??

all of us make mistakes, even myself..( probably more than any of you guys..hee hee) but our mistakes make us wiser, stronger, and more intelligent
so for those that are throwing bombs at you as if they are somehow perfect and above reproach..pay them no mind soccerdad, you have done the right thing to come and seek for help in a difficult time in your life, and for anyone that would trounce on you while you are down SHAME ON THEM and not you.

you have nothing to be ashamed of..marriage is a 2 way street..you cannot be expected to do all the work, relationships are give and take and teamwork.
one person cannot do all the work and expect for it to last, it takes two people to make a marriage work..and i am glad to see you guys are making progress, but your wife needs to put in some effort too..it cannot be just you. nevermind all this crap about "your wife this, your wife that and i feel sorry for your wife" i care about both of you guys happiness and hope for the best for BOTH of you. it's not just about your wife..you are in the marriage too, i think one of the other posters doesn't realize that.

so with that being said, NONE OF US ARE PERFECT..so none of us have the right to judge or throw stones..we all make mistakes and we have all done wrong in our lifetimes..so yes you deserve forgiveness & whatever you have done wrong is up to your wife to be the judge NONE OF US! she is the one that is married to you in the end it is her call...it was looking bleak when i posted before..i do hope you guys can work thing out & keep us posted! good luck soccerdad...good luck!

There is no double standard. I would not agree with her taking their marital problems out of the relationship and opening her legs for someone she got better attention from.

For the record, I haven't got 3 kids and a bloke that sleeps around

Yeah, I agree. For all the people on here that has had to suffer their bloke shagging around-sit down, as this time it is different because he is 'reaching out' for people to tell him it's alright to have done what he did lol

Infact, don't look back ...oh wait as you are back in touch with the affair behind your wife's back - you haven't! I say, knock out a few more kids with the next one and when you are not happy, find someone else to have an affair with and then come back here and we will all tell you that is alright too!

I played devils advocate as no one else was and they all thought it was alright to talk in a derogatory way about the women he was going to leave and shift the blame to her for that, instead of asking why his wife is such a mess and what role he has played in that, he simply claimed he wasn't that bad-nice, loving, committed. It is actually ignorant not to see that, but I suppose that is what ignorance is.

But you sound like you'd really love a partner as good and open as OP. I hope you get yourself one!

And I hope you go find a different bridge, and soon too because your personal attacks are uncalled for, unwanted and againts PC guidlines.

Soccerdad, kudos for keeping your cool, I however cannot and therefore have to bow out of this thread.

I wish you and your wife well for the future, whatever it may hold.

I really am shocked at a thread where a person that has done that to another, spends the first paragraph of this thread slagging his wife off and only mentions what he has done to her after he's talked about that, and what a good father he is for sticking there - only he didn't did he! he was actually out with another woman. And then describes her finding out and him ending it with the affair to ' keep things neat and tidy' showing NO care or remorse for hurting his wife and lying to his family! Where has he taken responsibility??

Even in counselling he goes to with her, he doesn't say anything about any changes he has made, only the ones she has, and when things become rough again, he gets back in touch with the bit on the side!!

Can you people not see what I am challenging here?? He is not sorry. READ THE ORIGINAL POST! A psychologist would not see that as a remorseful man and I am sorry but nor do I and I don't think that someone shouldn't not be questioned and just given blind support to do that to his wife.

When I challenge him, he did not say that he felt sad or remorseful or hurt for what he had caused and what happened. He said his wife being fat had nothing to do with him because she was fat before he had an affair and he was a good father, he had taken responsibility and that was that. Where was the empathy and sorrow?

So don't attack me and I wont have to keep explaining what you all fail to see!

This is a support forum for victims of MH and abuse. He is not the victim here!

I tried to make my peace last night, but I will not be stood against him and be judged as the bad person here! I am speaking from the heart!

Everyone deserves forgiveness, but someone has to be sorry and doin the right thing! He is chatting to the affair and planning his next move and wants to be told that's acceptable! would you like it done to you?

If that is integrity and an honourable man, then why was clinton hounded out of office?

And tripping- telling me to find a different bridge, implying I should throw myself off it is not abusive - no? I find that quite hurtful and spiteful actually and especially as it is none of your business and I haven't insulted you or the other poster that I had to come back and defend myself against.

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