[Rhapsody]

Before I start let me say Thanks..... for letting ME VENT!!

Where to start? --after 31 years together I still fell unloved and 2nd best if not 5th or 6th, that alone should say enough in a marriage, but wait I got more...... he has many gf's and I called them porn, work, mmorpg games, foot ball - basically any thing that isnt ME!!

And to top it all off our sex life life has come to an halt pretty much with us only being together maybe 2x a year....... I know he has a severe prostate problem he is dealing with and it he has been fighting an infection in that area for well over a year, so I have been very understanding, but it really gets my goat when I have to find out he is looking at porn instead of being with me --I mean I thought there nothing going on in this area with him, then I find his tablet stashed in the garage in my rehab animal supplies (of all places to hide it) *rolls eyes*

My husband and I have become more like friends (and not to good of friends) than a married couple over the years and I am just tired of fighting a battle that he may not be able to win for me or with me......... He may love me, but I wonder if his heart has the ability to give any more and I no longer want to be lonely in a house full of people.

I sit watching TV (all alone) most nights while my husband sits being entertained by old faithful....... his computer. I am so lonely these day and deprived of human contact that I signed up for a dating site where I let the men know that I was married, but looking for a man friend to hang out with while staying in my marriage.
I just told my husband of this and he didnt have much of an reactions (other to say thats how affairs get started) --but other than that he is right back to his same old same old.

SIGH!!

[healingme4me]

:Hugs: ....

[~Christina]

Is couples Therapy an option ? if thats a no go .. Can you find a Therapist for yourself ?

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Is couples Therapy an option ? if thats a no go .. Can you find a Therapist for yourself ?

It has been brought up before and we did go some 17 years ago..... it helped some, but hubby went back to his old ways in time - he generally does after being good for a while. *sigh*

[glok]

Yet, you choose to stay with him? Why?

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by glok

Yet, you choose to stay with him? Why?

(1) Hoping he will change and show me he loves me through actions, because I know he does in his heart. (2) Financial Reasons - I dont work due to medical issues, so where will I stay / how will I take care of my self. (3) LoVe - because my heart is still in love with him even though my mind is yelling at him and hates him at times.

Those are the reasons why I stay (right or wrong) thats WHY!!

[Rose3]

What kinds of changes are you hoping for? What kinds of actions do you have in mind? Has he ever shown some of these actions?

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by Rose3

What kinds of changes are you hoping for? What kinds of actions do you have in mind? Has he ever shown some of these actions?

I would like for the man I married to show some interest in me, to let me know that I am important to him other than when it is our anniversary, Xmas or my birthday. I am human and I need to be loved the other 362 days of the year too - RIGHT?

I would love for us to do things together outside the house, for him to leave his precious computer and sit by me while we watch tv together, for him to come to me and hold me and for me to not always have to ask to be held or to have kiss, dont yell so much. etc. --you get it, the basic things I feel most married people do together and for each other.

And Yes, he has shown these actions before and when he does he is really good at them and he leaves me feeling wanted & loved...... but then he goes back to his computer and the life he lives there and forgets all about me.

...... I feel left out and alone most of the time in this marriage

[Raindropvampire]

Would he be willing to compromise if you told him how much this means to you? Like for instance would he set aside the hours of 6-8pm (or whatever works for you two) each night? If not every night then 3-4 times a week. You could sit and talk, have a meal, watch TV, go to a movie etc..

I am not a cuddly person by any means and I am very much a loner. To me being in the same room with someone is spending time with them whether we interact or not. Hubby felt very used because he said it seemed the only time I wanted to be near him was for sex. So on days he's home I make sure that I spend at least 90 minutes sitting next to him holding his hand, cuddling, talking or what have you. I also agreed to one date night a week. Usually we're broke so it consists of us sitting outside watching the stars and having a deep conversation but I know it means the world to him.

We have many ups and downs and he can be very selfish himself at times but this compromise has made a world of difference for us. Good luck to you two

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

Would he be willing to compromise if you told him how much this means to you? Like for instance would he set aside the hours of 6-8pm (or whatever works for you two) each night? If not every night then 3-4 times a week. You could sit and talk, have a meal, watch TV, go to a movie etc..

I am not a cuddly person by any means and I am very much a loner. To me being in the same room with someone is spending time with them whether we interact or not. Hubby felt very used because he said it seemed the only time I wanted to be near him was for sex. So on days he's home I make sure that I spend at least 90 minutes sitting next to him holding his hand, cuddling, talking or what have you. I also agreed to one date night a week. Usually we're broke so it consists of us sitting outside watching the stars and having a deep conversation but I know it means the world to him.

We have many ups and downs and he can be very selfish himself at times but this compromise has made a world of difference for us. Good luck to you two

I would love to have that compromise and have asked for it before....... BUT sadly my husband has turned into a selfish depressed man and only does some thing these days IF he wants to (and) that usually leaves me hanging in the dark.

..... hence why I feel I need a guy friend (right or wrong) its how I feel.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

Before I start let me say Thanks..... for letting ME VENT!!

Where to start? --after 31 years together I still fell unloved and 2nd best if not 5th or 6th, that alone should say enough in a marriage, but wait I got more...... he has many gf's and I called them porn, work, mmorpg games, foot ball - basically any thing that isnt ME!!

You will need to learn how to SPEAK UP and let your needs and desires be KNOWN. This may take some counseling or study on your part to learn how to talk about what you want in a non-threatening, non-shaming and friendly way so that both of you can be on the same page re: your needs and desires in the relationship. Google: relationship skills and get started learning HOW to talk about things with him or anyone. SPEAK UP!

And to top it all off our sex life life has come to an halt pretty much with us only being together maybe 2x a year....... I know he has a severe prostate problem he is dealing with and it he has been fighting an infection in that area for well over a year, so I have been very understanding, but it really gets my goat when I have to find out he is looking at porn instead of being with me --I mean I thought there nothing going on in this area with him, then I find his tablet stashed in the garage in my rehab animal supplies (of all places to hide it) *rolls eyes*

This brings up the #1 and most important element of any relationship: HONESTY & TRUTH! A relationship needs to start with HONESTY and never let it fade. But if it fades away, at least one of the partners needs to learn how to revive the honesty and truth or it's all over! It's not about catching him in lies and deceptions. It's about being totally honest in ever aspect of the relationship so there is never a need to feel cheated, suspicious, mistreated, etc. by an underhanded, sneaky partner. Here again, you may need a counselor to help both of you return to a commitment to 100% HONESTY or learn how in some relationship book. Without honesty and trust, why be together at all?

My husband and I have become more like friends (and not to good of friends) than a married couple over the years and I am just tired of fighting a battle that he may not be able to win for me or with me......... He may love me, but I wonder if his heart has the ability to give any more and I no longer want to be lonely in a house full of people.

Now we are at the next most important element after honesty = FRIENDSHIP! There has to be friendship all the way through the relationship and that may mean learning exactly HOW to be a friend. I never knew how so I learned how. It starts by you being the best friend you can and asking or even demanding the same behaviors from him. Open doors, say please and thanks, be affectionate and kind, show empathy, concern, be helpful, NEVER CRITICIZE, have patience, smile, be supportive, and on and on. These are behaviors that many people drop or loose early in a relationship because they either don't know how to stay in the "honey moon mode" or they just get LAZY after the early excitement wares off and they have no idea HOW to stay in love and keep up that loving attitude which can be LEARNED! If you decide to learn these things, you can either teach them to him or drag him off to a counselor who will help him learn these things!

I sit watching TV (all alone) most nights while my husband sits being entertained by old faithful....... his computer.

That sounds exaclty like us BUT we are still able and willing to drop everything to be with and embrace each other as beloved friends, not boring pests, because we both know HOW to be lovers when we want or need to be. We are not constantly in each others arms BUT we still kiss passionately, listen to each other, show respect and empathy and many other little relationship skills that we both learned and continue to use. If I sense that I am getting to far away from her, I move back in. And if I notice she is misbehaving with me, we TALK about it until we reach a LOVING solution. It's all about SKILLS!

I am so lonely these day and deprived of human contact that I signed up for a dating site where I let the men know that I was married, but looking for a man friend to hang out with while staying in my marriage.

You would not have to go outside of you marriage IF you learned HOW to sit down with your partner and TALK about things with the focus on finding solutions rather than complain and wait for the other person to solve it all. You have to be able to clearly and intelligently state what you want and HOW you want it to get done. This is not about making demands or threats. It's about intelligent and LOVING compromise or negotiation so you both reach happy agreements instead of a silent stalemate like you have now.

I just told my husband of this and he didnt have much of an reactions (other to say thats how affairs get started) --but other than that he is right back to his same old same old.

This is because neither of you know how to get past the initial resistance and walls to have a deep and significant discussion and that takes skills which many people do not have. When you reach a gap or wall in a conversation, you have to know HOW to go around, over or under the blockade to get further and deeper into the discussion. You have to know what questions to ask and how to deal with stubbornness, defiance, resistance, animosity, anger, silence, jokes, ridicule, double-talk, smoke screens, hitting below the belt, bald face lies and a lot of other "tricks" that an insincere or dishonest partner might throw at you or you at them. This is when a therapist can help to keep the partners on point and HONEST. If both people enter a discussion with the same love and respect as they had from the beginning, it should be possible to arrive at some kinds of happy mutual agreements and behaviors with each other. It might even be possible to regain the love, excitement, joy, thrill and FUN that was there in the very beginning because, there is no reason at all for ever loosing those thrilling feelings at all except that people just don't know HOW to keep them.
My wife and I had to dump our first partners because they absolutely REFUSED to change for the good and we began our relationship with HONESTY & FRIENDSHIP - which was never in our first marriages. I had trouble being honest but I learned the skills and WORKED at it. Our marriage has lasted 22 happy, wonderful, pleasant, friendly, sexy, exciting and LOVING years all because we bothered to learn what we did not know before and actually USE, on a daily basis, the few simple skills and techniques of a good relationship. We did not need a counselor, just some books and our own previously bad marriages for examples and training. We have had a few down time but always pull through with honest, loving and intelligent talks and revived commitments to the principles of good relationship skills and I see no reason why others cannot do the same - IF THEY REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT TO.
You can start the ball rolling by getting some relationship books or google: relationship skills and then gently introduce him to what you are learning!
good luck learning how to be happy,
jim

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

It has been brought up before and we did go some 17 years ago..... it helped some, but hubby went back to his old ways in time - he generally does after being good for a while. *sigh*

Did your counselor ever teach you HOW to break through his resistance or indefference and bring him back to constructively working on the marriage to get what BOTH of you want? This is a significant element of relationship skills which will teach at least one of you HOW to deal with a lazy, careless, indifferent, unloving, rejecting partner but it's more than I could tell you in this little forum, so google: relationship skills and learn all about it.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

I would like for the man I married to show some interest in me, to let me know that I am important to him other than when it is our anniversary, Xmas or my birthday. I am human and I need to be loved the other 362 days of the year too - RIGHT?

And relationship skills can teach you HOW to both ask for the things you want and HOW to get around or through his resistance or indifference to your requests of him or him of you in a CONSISTENT and effective way, without nagging or begging. You know what you want but just don't know how to ask for and GET it!

I would love for us to do things together outside the house, for him to leave his precious computer and sit by me while we watch tv together, for him to come to me and hold me and for me to not always have to ask to be held or to have kiss, dont yell so much. etc. --you get it, the basic things I feel most married people do together and for each other.

This is really about communication skills and techniques that teach you to get what you want without having to beg or trick others but you have to first decide exactly what you want and then figure out how to approach your partner to get it. When you sit down to watch a show, politely and pleasantly ask your partner if he would like to sit with you. If he is stubborn or not interested, tell him you really want both of you to be together more often or that it bothers you or even hurts that he no longer finds your company enjoyable. I don't want to put words in your mouth but just make suggestions to help you adopt a good attitude when approaching someone to get your needs met. He may come up with all kinds of objections or excuses and you have to be PREPARED to deal with them in a non-confrontive way - IF POSSIBLE. There may come a time when you will have to get angry and tell him what you want in a DEMANDING way - but only as a last resort - and even that can be fixed with love and patience.

And Yes, he has shown these actions before and when he does he is really good at them and he leaves me feeling wanted & loved...... but then he goes back to his computer and the life he lives there and forgets all about me.

And then you have to know HOW to deal with that in a constructive way with intelligent discussions or actions so he does not always go hide again. Maybe his needs are not being met by you and he doesn't know how to talk about it.

.. I feel left out and alone most of the time in this marriage

Please give relationship skills a chance and things might just turn around for both of you.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

I would love to have that compromise and have asked for it before

OK, it's the same thing over and over! You ask for things but you don't know HOW to EFFECTIVELY ask for things so nothing gets done and then you sink back into hopelessness. There are many powerful and EFFECTIVE ways to ask such a person for things but you might have to LEARN HOW!

[Rhapsody]

Jimmy I thank you for all the time and effort you have taken in helping me, but it has only made me sad and now having to realize that my husband just might not give a crap about any one, but him self any more (that included me) because......

I do know how to speak up for what I want in a non threatening way, I do know how to support and love him no matter what, I am a kind and loving wife despite all our up and downs, I dont mind the porn as long as I dont have to know about it or view it in any way...... and yet he still has the nerve to treat me as he does.

Past counseling has helped me in so many ways, and yet he seems untouched by it.

Now What?

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

Now What?

I sure wouldn't live like that. Life's too short!
good luck,
jim

[lilypup]

I don't think getting a male friend is going to help anything. And really, what kind of man is going to be friends with a married woman unless she is willing to have sex? That just sounds like more of a mess.

[healingme4me]

I'd be cautious, now that your husband knows of your intentions, that it isn't turned and used against you. That's just my distrustful side thinking on this.

You'd probably qualify for alimony. Check your states site to get info and see on an attorney of the day, if disabled you may already qualify for legal counsel.

[Rhapsody]

Thanks every one for hearing us out - I have DID and my husbands porn viewing when found out by me (usually by accident) always puts my inner circle into chaos.... leaving the alter that holds a lot of my memories&pain from the years gone by of this drama hurt and deeply depressed - she does not trust or care much for my husband.

P.S.
For the person that ask what male would want to be friends with a woman with out having sex........ I am 47 and I have found a few men around 50 years old that are in my same situation and they too are looking for friend of the opposite sex for an emotional hook up, and not sex.

....... I will be back as I need to talk about my marriage in the days to come, as it does need help and even I can see that even when my DID is not being stirred up. Thanks.

[Rhapsody]

My husband did a good thing tonight........
he brought me a big delicious brownie home for a specialty bakery.

*when I asked WHY? --he said because: I LOVE YOU

[ididwhat?]

Man... I'd say you ought to look to yourself... look to your own needs, desires, feelings and way of living. If you are not happy, YOU have to do something. Expecting him to make you happy obviously isn't working.
Maybe, and, I mean no disrespect or "jab" at you with this... You cannot control his actions. He does that. You control your own. So... maybe... you CAN... try to do with him, what you want so badly for him to do with you: Show some interest in him. Let him know he is important to you (Is he? Still? Ask yourself that question, too.). Use kind words... find something positive about him. I'm pretty sure he is human and needs to feel loved, too, just as you and I do. You say you're sure he loves you... You said your heart is still in love with him. Are you in love with him enough to try to understand, even accept, his porn viewing habits? You KNOW he watches it... even said you could be okay with it if you don't have to know about it (Screaming oxymoron, right there ... or is it a paradox ) or view it... that's sort of like pretending to be in denial about it... maybe, if you ask me. If you know he watches porn, are okay with it if you don't know about it... then why get upset when you find out he's watching it. You already know. What's the point? Either you're okay with it, period... or you're not okay with it. May I sugguest you not take his porn viewing habits so personally, either. Hello? He's a man. It's porn. Plus, didn't you mention something about you two having sex maybe once or twice a year? Heck... I'd be watching porn, too... were I in those shoes of yours or his. I'd try watching it with him, sometime, you know? Only you get to pick the ...whatever it's called... style? variety? the action on screen. Also, his looking a pornography doesn't necessarily mean he's getting erections... if that's been an issue. Have you asked him if he gets hard and orgasms with porn? Too shocking a question? Not to gain insight... and understanding about the person your heart loves deeply. People who love each other ought to be able to talk about ANYthing w/o fear of judgment and all those other nasty feeling adjectives that tend to come into play. Talk... and, listen.
My point is... that YOU have to DO something different in order to change this situation. You must decide what you can and will live with (or without) and then DO something in that respect. Figure out what you want. You cannot control anyone's actions but your own... don't forget.
As far as going online for emotional and sexual intimacy... probably not going to serve to quell the needs and desires you seek to soothe within yourself. Feels a little like revenge, payback... not very productive to the problem at hand. Plus, then... there you've got another person with a heart, feelings, emotions, et all, involved. Sounds miserable.

NOTE: Just saw the brownie post. Awesome! And the smart-*** inside of me wants to say, "...what nerve he has treating you that way."
(I mean that nicely, sincerely ... and to help make my point... )
Best to you always.