My girlfriend choked me twice

I only took the blame initially because I was in shock and I thought that by apologising, it would be what she wanted to hear and that she would take me back.....absolutely crazy I know but it's been said now.

I wasn't given a proper chance by my fiancé to explain to her parents what had happened because she chucked me out the house (again physically by pushing me) and I've not seen them to this day to explain because of this sh*tty 'space' rule she has imposed.

I know for a fact that she confided in her best friend about the fight and told her that I punched her!! What the actual fook! So her friend now thinks I'm a woman beater because of her lying, I'm really annoyed with her.

Again, I thought initially that's what she wanted to hear so that's why I apologised but I do regret that now.

You're right, she is totally using this situation now to her advantage and will stop at nothing to get what she wants and bring me down.

Why do you think she's saying SHE can't forgive ME? Is it a power/control thing?

No of course it was not healthy - it was also a rather 'determined' look in her eyes which scared me.

I can't be sure if she would or wouldn't do that to me again, can't risk it though.

Definitely no. Would professional help be advisable or is she past being able to be helped?

Agreed, and I don't want to be a victim.

I don't think its your place to get her professional help. Thats a very personal thing and only she or her family members can advise her to do that but not you. If my ex boyfriend, fiance, or even current boyfriend tried to get me psychiatric help after something like that and I was as crazy as she sounds, I would raise world war 3. Not a good idea at all. Do you think somehow she will be like, "Oh okay you're right, I do need psychiatric help, thank you so much!" Hell no. She will go down kicking and screaming and bring you right down with her.
And of course it's a control/power thing by her saying she can't forgive you - that's a perfect way to turn the situation around to make her seem like the victim. Can you imagine if you actually got the police involved? You'd be taken away in handcuffs.

Yeah I thought it would be a way for her to further control me, it seems that she feeds on being controlling and domineering - nothing but a vindictive ******.

Yeah I would be nicked but maybe not if I reported her first because they most likely take the side of the first person to report the abuse regardless of gender.

Maybe its different in the UK, but here in the USA it seems like no matter what, if the man laid a hand on the woman, even during a self defensive altercation, they side with the woman. It comes down to he-said-she-said, and unfortunately she has her parents as witnesses to back her up even though they only saw the end of the altercation.

It's slightly different here in the UK. The Police usually side with the reporter of the abuse in most cases.

Her mother even had the audacity to say to me after the fight that she had never seen that side to me before!!

Yeah you never saw that side to me before because I wasn't verging on death normally but in this case I was and trying to save myself - jeez.

Personally I wouldn't risk it with the police, I would just walk away and not speak to her again. Because even if you do bring it to the police and they somehow believe you and side with you - she will go to jail or have domestic violence on her record. So its a lose-lose situation. And if you're really concerned about your safety with her, then giving her more reason to be furious with you will only escalate your danger.
Really think about this one. You can just walk away and not look back, go find yourself a good woman and just learn from this experience. You don't need to drag it out any longer.

That's what she deserves, to be locked up - so maybe that will teach her not to be so quick to use her hands next time.

Actually it's not, the Police have a duty to protect victims and their families from perpetrators of domestic violence even if the abuser is locked up, they could still get someone to make their life hell and the Police can stop that to.

hey.. things like that happen dont worry about it too much... give her a day or 2... then buy a fresh rose and go see her....

She attacked you twice and is now lieing to friends, she is "not sweet and caring nor is she innocent". You are young, find another girl and let this one go. If you were a child you would not have been able to fight back, there is something very wrong with this girl, so let her swim away and find another girl. Every person we meet teaches us a lesson, we can change our mind and walk away when a person threatens us physically and then blames you and lies.

OE

Get out of this relationship while you still can. This episode is a major red flag and be thankful she showed her true colors, before you married her.

WTF. I hope you were joking or being sarcastic.

To the OP: You have been given some excellent advice from the other posters. It seems like you are trying to understand her anger, or what caused her to reach that point where she resorted to violence. Honestly it doesn't matter, because there is never a legitimate reason for a person to put their hands on you like that. NEVER. You were defending yourself, and she is MANIPULATING the hell out of you to take responsibility for her actions. You didn't cause this. She did. You defended yourself the way that anyone would. So keep using your sense of self-preservation and get out of this relationship. Cut contact. Report her/don't report her (it's up to you), and then get some professional help if you're not seeing someone already.

I wonder if I got the chance to tell her that she was completely in the wrong & that I don't accept any fault for defending myself, would the outcome/situation be different now?

I believe she could suffer from Bipolar Disorder & she is in denial.

I know deep down I should but I really believe we are meant for each other & that with some help this will eliminate her violent tendencies.

I know what you mean. Is it a case of if someone does this once then they will do it again? No ifs or buts, it's possible they will do it again or worse.

That is an important thing for me though, I feel I need to know what caused her to flip like that and I don't believe it's got anything to do with her gran because the problem there isn't that great enough to warrant someone flipping out.

Normally she is reasonable person who would talk about things that are bothering her (although she has been known to bottle things up) & we would sort any issues out verbally & in a quick way.

I want to be able to make her see that I did not cause this at all but I suppose that would be pointless because people like her never change?

I can't understand someone who loved me as much as she said would hurt someone like that, you just never do that to anyone, least of all the person you love the most.

She hasn't even cried once over it but I did - she was just cold and motionless.

Battered women's syndrome, anyone?

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I'm a man.

I was being sarcastic. Being a battered woman myself, I recognize a lot of your fears and doubts.

Don't believe you are to blame for the altercation. Don't become her scapegoat. Don't get in up to your armpits with trying to help or cure your fiancée. Don't think you can somehow save her.

She has an illness. We don't know what it is. She has to recognize that and want to change in order to get help. You cannot "love her back to health."

You have invested a lot of time and feelings in this relationship, but you are not required to stick around and continue to be mistreated because you love her. You are to be commended for recognizing her worth and wanting to help her, but she just won't be helped until she is damn good and ready. How many more years of mistreatment can you bear?

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Looking back on the incident now, I can see just how badly she actually behaved and that my reaction to lashing out was simply what anyone right minded person would do to stop themselves from being in further danger.

To be honest, the more I think about her attitude and how she views the fight/me I am actually sickened by her behaviour and realise that she really isn't worth it.

I suspect it may be Bipolar Disorder that she may be suffering from?

Of course, she has to want to change in order to get better, that's the first step to recognising you need to do something about it.

I have given her plenty of ample time/space to reflect on the situation and realise her actions but nothing has changed, she is still as vindictive and stubborn as the say it happened - it's shocking actually.

I don't want any more years of mistreat to be honest and I have given her chance upon chance and offered to take her back but she's keeping me at arms length.

My patience is wearing off with her and she's damn lucky I even gave he a second chance, most people would run for the hills.

I'm very sorry for what you've been through (I've been there myself, although when i defended myself he got worse than a bloody nose) but I have to add that I take offense to you assuming she has bipolar.

I was the one who was choked unconscious, I got the blue eyes and bruised ribs, yet I was the crazy bipolar in that relationship...


If your assumption is based on factors independent of her violence, well then maybe you're on to something, if not, bipolar and violence aren't automatic bedfellows...

Either way, only a pdoc can diagnose her and there's no excuse for abuse, not even bipolar.


Best to be smart about this and head for the hills.

Please accept my apologies if you're offended by my comments, they were never intentional.

Yes my assumption is based on what happened & she seems to tick all the boxes for resembling Bipolar Disorder.

Absolutely true. She just seems to think it's acceptable and is acting as if nothing happened.

I'm gonna give you a little tough love here - instead of trying to break down what occurred into its fundamental properties or doing the "what if" or "should I have said this to make her realize.." game, you need to have a strong back bone and end the relationship and cut contact for your own good (and her's).
You said, "I want to be able to make her see that I did not cause this at all..." She literally doesn't care, at all. She already knows 100% that she flipped out and it wasn't a normal reaction - there is nothing you can say to her that will make her agree that you are right.
The way she is turning this all around on you is proof that she knows what she did was wrong. No matter how you spell it out for her, she will only try to twist and manipulate you even more - rendering you more confused, mad, and hurt.
At one point you say you want to "help" her and the next sentence you say you want her "behind bars". I personally think any smart person would "run for the hills" instead, in this situation and not get elbow deep into a mess of drama with someone who is crazy.
Wish you the best and don't get suckered into any more mind games no matter how much you think you're meant to be with someone.

Some people you just can't reason with and I now see that she is one of them.

It's like she is now too embarrassed to admit this if that is the case. Any normal or reasonable person would have apologised and admitted that they were the cause of the problem - but with her she's in denial.

My mind is boggled at the moment - but the more I think about what she did and the more I talk to you guys on here then that's when I realise that I don't want to be with someone who could behave in the way she did, especially to someone she is meant to love and was intending on marrying.

Understood.

Lets play devils advocate...or something like that.

Lets say she apologized, got help for whatever issues she has, and was able to manage her "symptoms". That is, things were peachy-keen again. The ONE thing that can't be fixed is the fact that she's already LIED to all of her friends about you. It doesn't matter if things were wonderful between you and the girl, her friends will always (and I do mean always) think of you as a woman beater. Who needs that kind of crap? I think that sometimes people lose sight of the bigger picture (not saying you are) in that they don't take into account feuding families or the arsehole friends, but the truth is that the bigger picture does indeed need to be looked at when considering if you want to spend your life with someone. Would you really want to be with a woman who's friends all viewed you as a batterer? (Especially since she lied and told them that?....Even if she retracted her statement to them, the friends would just think that she's doing so to make you happy and not because its the truth.) You'd be fighting off the negativity for the entire duration of your relationship (and yes, it would most likely have an effect on your relationship!) You don't need that drama...... Yes, the focus in a relationship should always be on the two involved, but you can't deny the power of outside forces. You'll always be the bad guy to them. Who needs that sort of drama?

If I was dating a guy and his friends hated me because he was talking smack about me to them, you better believe that I'd bail. Life is too short for that kind of stuff.

Yes and I understand that would take a bit of time.

I know what you mean and no amount of 'justifying' myself to them would change their view of me because that ***** has brainwashed them into thinking I'm a woman beater.

She can pick her friends but not her family (she viewed me as family even though we were only engaged.)

She really is ****ed up & it's kind of a form of defamation of character (slander) of me.

True, maybe the police might be a bit hasty, as would professional help... I dunno, you're kind of trapped; in a right pickle! The moral of supporting her, vs the moral of not being abused, vs the legalities...ergh. >.< If you run now, you may look like the guilty one. This is one absurd situation you're in. I feel for you, dude. I wish I could suggest something. Is it possible you could go to a lawyer? I think you need legal advice.

In the UK, there's an organisation that essentially lets you get help from lawyers (typically those of whom are retired and just want a relaxed professional life, freely helping folk) if you have something like that in your area, don't hesitate. Just for legal advice, if anything.

The way I see it, you were defending yourself, clearly never intended to hurt her, and she obviously assaulted you; unfortunately, there's no way to prove that.

Does she have a shady history? You likely have no history of assault 'n' that, which I would think to also be in your favor. Is she on drugs? Narcotics or otherwise; might've been why she did what she did. She could also get a psych evaluation... perhaps even, if it came to it, one could be mandated by the courts. I'm no lawyer... just trying to think logically, based on bits and pieces I've picked up about the law, over the years.

Best of luck! Please keep us updated.

PS
The parents saw that the room was dark, right? So there's a witness to the fact that you couldn't have really seen what was going on? That should go in your favor, unless they just flat-out lie, which they might do, unfortunately, to protect their daughter. ¬_¬

Perhaps you could contact her parents and explain what happened, briefly, and urge them to get her some help before she does serious harm to herself or someone.