My girlfriend choked me twice

I will try to keep this as short as possible (I have asked this elsewhere but would require more advice please.) I'm hoping you can help/advise me asap as I feel I am losing the love of my life.

Just over a month ago I went to see my fiancé at her place (she still lives with her parents) in the early evening to catch up etc. She appeared to be quiet & snappy with me after a few hours of being in her company which I put down to her long week at work.

As the evening went on I asked her if she was ok to which she said that she was fine. Later on I asked her again & she snapped that if there was something wrong she would tell me - fair enough!

She didn't want dinner so I ordered a take-away for myself. When it arrived I was eating in the garden as it was sunny (she was sat next to me sunbathing) & then she went inside as she said she was too hot.

I followed inside 5mins later & sat downstairs. She had disappeared upstairs & around 20mins after I finished my dinner I went up to see if she was ok, she appeared ok but looked moody. So I went back downstairs to sit with her parents (giving her space - sensing her mood.) She later came down & we all watched tv.

As the night went on she was snapping at her mum for the most minor of things & was getting a bit sarcastic - becoming rather nasty. Her mum did say to her to stop swearing etc. Throughout the tv watching she barely said anything to me.

Shortly after her parents decided to go to bed so they went & turned the light off leaving the tv on for us. 20mins went on & I tried to make small talk with her which resulted in one worded responses.

At this point I'd had enough so I said to her that I was going home & not to contact me until she had snapped out of this horrible mood. She then grabbed my arm & said "don't leave me" so I said I'm not leaving you, I'm just leaving the situation.

She then said that her gran was unwell & that she felt she was the only one looking after her. She then accused me of saying that I like a picture of a famous woman on facebook. WTF!

Now the scary part..........

So I took a deep breath & stood up, & as I turned round (she must have shot up) & I felt both her hands round my neck pressing really tightly & this look of madness in her eyes. I found myself doing the same to her (to try and free myself.) This was the first time we have ever had a physical confrontation or even argument in the 2yrs we've been together (it has always been a honest, loyal & happy relationship.)

I pushed her onto the couch & I stumbled forward slightly, I then stumbled back by which point she leapt up, jumped on & sat on me & started choking me again. There was no speaking throughout this scuffle.

I was shocked & scared at this then suddenly her mum & dad came running downstairs panicking wondering what was going on. Her mum tried to pull her off (with some force as my fiancé is strong for a woman.) I then remember lashing out shouting "get off me" as she was pulled away with a struggle from her mum.

As she got up her dad switched the light on & my fiancés nose was bleeding so she ran for a towel then stormed over to me & slammed the engagement ring into my hand & said get out this house before pushing me outside. I apologised & said I didn't realise I had punched her (especially to her face) as I couldn't see exactly where I was 'aiming' because it was pitch black but she said get out so I did & went home.

I phoned my parents explaining what had happened & they said not to phone her that night as it will make things worse. So I waited until the next day before phoning her but she ignored my call, I left a message & she texted me to say I could meet her that evening outside. We talked & I apologised profusely & she said she could forgive me for the struggle but not for the punch & that she wanted space for a few days with no contact.

Basically I want to know if there is anyway I can get my fiancé back as I truly love her, don't want to lose her especially of this & she said she still loves & cares for me (when I met her the following day?)

I am not a violent person & have never hit a woman before but this was a genuine accident.

I hope you can help me here as I'm so depressed & miserable right now & this was just a silly incident that got out of hand.

Thanks

Hi, Depressed-Fiance, and welcome to Psych Central! Is your girlfriend mentally ill? Why would she act the way she did and try to choke you?

I can understand your wanting to defend yourself, especially if you are being choked. I think most folks would have fought back. However, I am very concerned about your relationship getting physical. Anything like that will get worse after marriage, I think.

I do suggest the two of you go into some pre-marriage counseling. I hope your girlfriend will also get some personal counseling.

Please try not to worry about what happened. I think the thing to be concerned about is the future. Okay?

Did she apologize for choking you? She was completely out of line, and you should be commended for your restraint. I would have lashed out like a madwoman to get her off me.

Please get counseling and please don't take all the blame because you are the male. She turned it physical for no good reason. Battered spouses are not all female.

Good luck to you both!

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You did nothing wrong , she attacked you and you were trying to not be choked to death.

I agree with the advice Traveling Lady gave.. You and her need to sort through all this mess way before you proceed towards a marriage.

Good luck and Welcome to PC

Hi Travellinglady & thanks for your nice reply.

I'm not sure if she's mentally ill or suffers from maybe Bipolar Disorder/Borderline Personality Disorder/Sociopath but I do know that her father said that in the past she has suffered from Depression & had an 'episode' - I don't know what kind of episode but that's what he said.

If it's any help, she is a bit bossy, moody, sulky & sometimes mildly controlling.

She says that she only choked me so that I would stay & listen to her. I think that is out of line because she could have jus asked me to stay and listen again rather than resort to violence.

You're right, I think if it is left 'untreated' then it could get worse and especially it begs belief if we had children.....what would she do to them?

I am more than happy to get some counselling but I think getting her to go would be a hard task. I suppose you have to want the help to go in the first place but she is a very stubborn girl.

I'm 26yrs old & she's 23 by the way.

Ok, no problem.

No she hasn't apologised for choking me. All she said was that she was sorry for the tussle (which I presume she means is the pre-physical violence?)

She hasn't acknowledged that she was in the wrong to start the whole cycle of violence, nor has she apologised, she hasn't cried like I did and she just shifts the blame onto me.

Thanks, well I don't believe in hitting women but I had to on this occasion because my life was in danger. I've never hit a woman ever before and I did kind of feel bad for clouting her for which I did apologise but she said she can't forgive or trust me for punching her - what does trust have to do with anything?!

I am happy to take some counselling & it will be beneficial to us and haven't taken all the blame, it's just that she doesn't accept that she is at fault whatsoever.

Do you think people like her ever change in terms of violence and is it a case of once they do it, they'll always do it?

I agree and to be honest, I was more shocked that she even laid a hand on me never mind choking me because she is normally a very loving, caring, kind, loyal and pleasant girl so it just seems extremely unusual.

I will try and persuade her to because it will benefit us.

Thanks for your lovely welcome there.

In my experience my 3 exes were all abusive, and I became abusive as well due to taking up for myself and fighting back when attacked. After our splits, they probably went on to abuse the next person. I am actually sickened by violence and don't even spank my children, because it is too easy for me to lose control and I fear I would take it too far. So I think it is possible to change if you really want to, but not if it's your set pattern of behavior. Snapping and resorting to violence as an outlet for anger is much easier than recognizing the feeling, acknowledging it, breathing through it, and willing it to go away. If you have no experience it is even harder to learn rather than react.

I'm genuinely sorry you two have had this experience, and I hope that she will be willing to seek help before her violence becomes normal behavior for her. Good luck!

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Absolutely, I think it's all too easy to lash out before thinking of the consequences.

This is my first serious relationship and girlfriend so it makes it even harder for me and I truly love her still despite what she did to me.

She's too stubborn to want to get some help, she doesn't even think she did anything wrong for when she choked me.

She has hit our puppy dog before too because he would playfully nip and she belted him on the nose.

It sounds like you are just getting to know her on a deeper level. Apparently, over the past 2 years, you two really haven't gotten to know each other all that well. Don't set any wedding dates for anytime within the next 12 months. You two need more time before tying any knot.

It does sound like she has some significant emotional problem. Actually, you both behaved badly. (I think you are slightly minimizing your contribution to the fracas.) You sound like the more rational one. You are very right to be seriously concerned about what kind of a partner she'ld be. The mean treatment of a puppy is very worrisome also in the context of what you say.

Apparently she is under a lot of stress in her role of caretaking her granny and is angry and resentful about what she is doing for her. That doesn't justify what she did. It does suggest that she is not mature about how to manage a difficult situation. It also sounds like the two of you don't really confide in each other well. Or, I should say, she does not open up to you about what is bothering her. You do mean a lot to her, or she wouldn't have gotten upset about you leaving.

You need to keep a distance from her, so that she realizes she has to make amends in some way to patch things up. You're not going to be able to push her into counseling. Sounds like she is real resistant to advice. So: make yourself scarce. Let her know that, if this is what she has to offer, then you don't need to be around her. That may be the only way to get her to take a look at her behavior. She is testing you to see what she can get away with. Be careful what precedents you set. You don't want a lifetime of these kind of blowups.

I feel i maybe able to help a little here- So when I was drinking apparently I flipped out at him- I smashed a bottle and held it against my neck and my arms and stormed out of the house- I punched his eye and he had to tackle me to the ground- (according to my boyfriend- I blacked out). I did it because apparently I saw some girl on the Tv and I saw him look at her and then boom- In the morning I broke down after he told me what happened- I felt guilty and like I didn't deserve me- He cuddled me and told me he was scared and that he didn't ever want me to be like that again. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if he didn't forgive me. You two are getting married someday so I would advise in your own time trying to listen to her- cuddling her if she will let you- trying to get her to open up- Do try counselling if this doesn't work. But beware she may not want to open up whatever is bothering her to someone else. Just try and be there for her as best you can- she is obviously going through something and snapped at the wrong person.

Please, please be careful. It doesn't matter if you were right or wrong when the police show up.

This relationship does not sound safe. You should not have to live in fear of being physically attacked or with the threat of a criminal record hanging over your head because you chose to defend yourself.

Staying with this woman could have horrible consequences. My neighbor was involved with a woman who attacked him and then called the police. She did this more than once. He could have lost his job and custody of his child. She tried to kick him out of the house he owned. Please look out for your own self interest.

Yes, her Dad did tell me that in the past she has suffered from Depression & had some kind of 'episode' shortly after that.

I hold my hands up to lashing out, there was never any denial in that - but I believe I acted in self defence because she was choking me for a second time at that point.

I am the more reasonable one & I actually can't believe how stubborn & bitter she is being. It's just not her usual loving, kind, caring & happy self so that's what makes it even the more confusing to me.

I just want what is best for her. I couldn't believe it when she said that the technique to stopping the puppy from playfully nipping was to hit him on the nose, that is just wrong. I did say that a simple 'no' would be sufficient but she just shrugged and said what do you know about looking after dogs.

Normally she is very mature for her age but yes I agree with you that when it comes to looking after her gran, that is something she isn't capable of managing well.

I agree that she isn't very good at opening up to me about things but I did say to her that she could have just told me about her gran maybe early on in the evening if it or something was bothering her so much, that would have prevented this whole mess.

Yes, I know just how much she loves me - she makes that very clear. She has said that I'm the love of her life, soul-mate, best friend & her everything - that was lovely & she means exactly the same to me.

Yes, I believe space will help both of us (more so her) reflect on the situation & to be able to come up with a solution.

I believe she has to want to get help before she can even consider going, there's no point doing it if your heart isn't in it.

I don't deserve to be assaulted at all never mind choked & I will be telling her this because at the moment she is pretty much shifting all the blame onto me which is very unfair.

Well she can't get away with this, there has to be consequences for her actions. By that I mean that I will tell her that if she wants to remain with me then she has to get some professional help so that for my peace of mind there will be no repeats of her violence.

That is a good approach to take, I will give that a try & see how I get on.

I am not going to force her, it will have to come naturally from her & however long that takes, that's how long I'll wait.

I think she is probably in denial at the moment hence why she hasn't apologised to me or even acknowledged that she is in the wrong.

I will be careful, but I do believe this was a complete one-off from her this act of violence.

Can I ask what you mean when you say it doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong when the Police turn up? Who said anyone was getting them involved at this point?

It has certainly changed how I view her now & I would always be probably quite wary of her just incase she had a repeat outburst.

I'm just worried that because her nose was bloodied & she had more 'damage' to her than I did (although I did have bruises all round my neck for days afterwards which I did take date stamped photos of) that the Police will arrest me, even though I believe I'm more the victim?

Doesn't bear thinking about.

If this is your first relationship, I understand you wanting to work it out. But I have been married 28 years and have seen a lot. She needs more help than you can give her. Take a break from her. If she gets help so be it. If you were my son, I would tell you to run. Her parents should also understand she needs serious help. Choking someone is NOT within normal bounds.

I really want this relationship to work like it did up until the fight. I think she is stupid to want to throw away a fantastic relationship over a fight which she started & I'm trying to get her help for.

We've been through so much and done so many things too.

I have left her be for a month so far & I'm going to give her a bit longer to see if it helps her.

My parents have said that they don't want me to go back to her & that we are a great couple who are so right for each other.

I think her parents are a bit scared of her to be honest because they never stand up to her & seem to let her get away with her abusive behaviour & even when she swears at them they tell her not to swear but she just gets mouthy back at them.

Do you think I should report her to the Police?

I just noticed that you are in the UK, so perhaps things are different over there. In the US, you could be arrested. I have seen it happen to several friends and acquaintances.

A friend of mine had her 21 year old daughter and 18 year old autistic son living with her. The daughter got her brother drunk and started provoking him. He broke the tv and she called the cops, claiming he was threatening to kill her. She was also drunk and is a pathological liar. The cops don't know that. The brother was arrested. It was considered assault somehow even though he had not touched his sister. She told the cops she had lied, but it was too late.

My friend spent 10k to get the charge dropped to a level that didn't require jail time. He has to register as a domestic violence offender and will have that misdemeanor on his record forever-- over his sister's lie!

I think it would be a good idea to contact a domestic violence organization in your area to see what thoughts they have about your situation. What if her parents file a report against you? What if she does?

I don't think her parents would press charges because when they came down their daughter was sat straddled on top of me still choking me, so they saw part of the attack ongoing and know that it wasn't me choking her.

I don't think she would report me because I think deep down she knows that she is in the wrong but has just never admitted it.

If she can't admit that what she did was wrong yet blames you and is holding that punch over your head, I think its time to take a breather. I don't think there was anything wrong in what you did given that if you didn't fight back you may very well be dead right now.....has that thought crossed your mind? Her actions could have killed you if you didn't fight back! Yes, it was right of you to apologize in an effort to patch things up between the two of you, but if she can't own up to her end of what happened, its time to say goodbye to her. In my experience, these types of people take no responsibility for anything and their actions are always justified by what the other person has done. That is, everyone else is to blame.

How well have you really gotten to know her? I am all for living with someone before marriage as it allows you to see them in all of their glory, and not just when they're at their best. I've seen this happen far too often. I had a friend date his soon to be ex wife for 7 years and it wasn't until they got married did he realize just how incompatible they were. Seven years of dating and they didn't realize the incompatibility because they didn't live together or stay with each other for more than a few days.

ETA Maybe she should be THANKING you for fighting back? If you just laid there like a wet rag and she did choke you to death, she could be facing murder charges right now. Seriously.

Yes, I have thought that if I hadn't have fought back then as you say I would have been dead or seriously injured.

I lashed out, out of human instinct just like anyone would do if they were being attacked.

That's what I can't understand about her, why she can't see or accept that she is at fault here - it's just not like her, she is usually a pleasant & caring girl but this is so very strange of her to completely change in the way she is behaving now.

Yes, I think that she is manipulating me and because I've apologised to her, she thinks that gives her the right to twist things and now turn the blame onto me whilst turning a blind eye to her own behaviour.

Fairly well over the 2yrs. I mean we haven't lived together, but we've stayed at hotels together (ok that's not quite the same thing) but I felt I knew her really well.

Absolutely, she should be thanking me that I did fight back.

What the hell? You were defending yourself! You didn't exactly intend on what you did.. she was strangling you, twice. Oh, but she can't forgive you for defending yourself? Christ. Dear lord.. that's a very disturbing story. I'd say get her some psychiatric help before she really hurts somebody, or worse. I hope you can get some solutions here; sounds like a nightmare. Maybe some sort of midlife crisis? Sorry if I seem unsympathetic - that's just a very shocking and worrying story! Best of luck.

PS
I have to agree with the member that pointed out the legal minefield that could ensue. The last thing you want is for her to have the audacity to try to pin a crime on you, when she was the one damn-near trying to kill you! I know you love her, but I think it's time to take a step back and look out for number #1; just my view, of course. I would actually report this to the police immediately, just in-case she does try to pull some twisted legal move on you.

I can appreciate how those two statements are conflicting and confusing. Did one statement come before, the other? Or were they part of the same conversation?

Wait why are YOU taking the blame for this?!???!? You even made yourself seem like the bad person by saying you punched her in front of her parents instead of saying what actually happened which was you were using self defense, now it probably seems like everyone thinks you are a physically abusive boyfriend who punched his gf and she will probably turn the story around to make her look like the victim 100% and you fell right into that trap!
She attacked YOU. You used SELF DEFENSE to get her OFF OF YOU. and now YOU'RE PROFUSELY APOLOGIZING TO HER? And Not only that, but she's now in the driver's seat calling all the shots in the relationship like "I'll call you in a few days when I'm ready, I can't forgive YOU?" What the hell? That is the craziest ***** I've ever heard in my life.
Run away. Fast. Do not look back. Remember that "madness" you saw in her eyes? Do you think that's somehow normal or healthy?? Do you think she will never do that to you again?? Think again buddy. She sounds insane and dangerous and violent. Do you really want a future with that woman, and possibly children with someone like that?
She sounds like the type of person who would end up on the news for killing her bf/husband in a jealous rage.
My god.

I really don't understand why she can't forgive me for punching her one, I am actually very perplexed - it's almost laughable!

Why do you think she can't forgive me even though it should be the other way around?

I am going to try and seek some professional help for her before it's too late.

No it's ok, I know what you mean and it is a very bizarre outburst on her part, one that I'll never understand.

I will report her tomorrow to the Police to keep myself safe & so that she can't manipulate me any longer by pulling any silly stunts.

I think that's a bad idea that you want to get her professional psychiatric help and you want to report her to the police. Very bad idea. You will open up a whole can of worms, are you really ready to deal with all that? She could very easily make you look like the bad guy. Very easily. The police won't know who to believe, except her parents who say they came down the stairs and saw her nose bleeding and guess what? You just got in trouble for domestic violence. Leave now and don't look back, because by you trying to get her help, or trying to get the police involved, only tells me you want to keep being in her life somehow. Not a good idea at all.