[RosePetals]

My husband was resently told that he had a daughter that is 30 years old. My husband and I just had our 31 anniversary, and I was told she was born a month after we was married. For me I can not seem to deal with it. What would you do.

[SeptemberMorn]

That was a long time ago, Rose. Has he been faithful to you ever since you've been married? That's what you need to concentrate on.

[RosePetals]

Hello! Thank you for your response. I am new on here, and was not sure if I would get a response. I was 17 when I meet my husband, and we was married two months later. We did not have our first child until I was 20, and we lost our twin girls at birth. We had a son two years later, and now we have our three grown children and three young adopted children at home. I feel we have our own little circle of family and do not anyone from outside of our circle in our life at this time. I feel I should have been told of this girl before we was married. I feel lied . I am very angry of not knowing. I do know his family hide this from me.

[sidony]

Wow, that's an intense thing to happen. I think I'd feel very betrayed too. But if your life has been good together all these years, then I think it'd be worth trying to work through. Maybe you guys could do couples therapy? I've never been in that, but individual therapy has worked wonders for me. I'd definitely give that a go if I were in your situation. After all, you've been together a long long time.

Sidony

[almostangela]

I have that happen, but it was after two years of serious dating. I stood in disbeleif as he confessed that he had been married and had a 7 year old son. My first thought was why the hell didn't you ever mention it. He said he was afraid I would leave if he gave me all of his past (he had a lot to swallow) and everytime he tried to tell me, he would freeze up.

I was furious and hurt and questioned everything he told me. I felt I couldn't trust him at all and almost ended it, but instead of doing that, I told him that it was going to take some time and he was going to have to answer all of my questions in complete honesty. I told him that I may rollercoaster in emotions and he better take it as it comes.

He took it all and spoke the truth whenever I needed it. It has been three years and I love and trust him dearly and am glad I didn't leave. I did insist that I become a part of the little boys life also, so when he visits (the child lives far away), I am included.

Good luck, talk it through and let the chips fall as they will.
Angela

[Smilie]

wow! what good outcome for you. It is awe some to know that your stradigey has panned out for you two.

Smilie

[nothemama8]

if he's been faithful and is telling you about it, perhaps he has grown up now and wants to make ammends on the past, what does he want about the daughter?

[RosePetals]

He said he never knew about her until now. And he has always been a good loving man to his family. I can not deal with this, we have our children and grand children. She is grown now with three kids of her own. She has another family she was raised with and now she wants to destroy our life. I dont need this in my life. I am already stressed enough. Thanks for listning.

[sidony]

RosePetals! I feel so bad for you!!! You said he is a loving man -- you can work through this!!! I hope you'll consider couples therapy. If I'd known then what I know now (in my last relationship), I would have tried couples therapy and might have been able to save the relationship. It'd at least give you a chance to talk about everything and find ways of dealing with the person who's interfering. 30+ years of love is nothing to take lightly! It's not good that he cheated on you years ago, but if he never even knew about his daughter and has been part of a loving family all these years, then he is a good person. Work on your relationship together! I'm still regretting how I let the last one fall apart. :-(

Best of luck,
Sidony

[RosePetals]

Hi Sidony !
My husband never cheated on me, it was before we was together, we got married after two months of dating. But we have always believed we only had one family. Ours together! we started our family with love, and we choose to be together forever,with one family. No this person says she is his, she will be 31 next month. It is hard for me and my husband to deal with and has put a lot of stress on both of us. We still love each other, but still hard to accept. Thank you.

[SeptemberMorn]

Rose, she can't destroy your life unless you let her. It feels to me like you're turning over all your power to her. By reacting this way about something so far back in the past, it will be you that destroys your life as you know it. If I was you, I'd think long and hard about what you really want. Do you want to keep your life and family as it is, or do you want to risk destroying it with your anger and resentment?

[sidony]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
RosePetals said:
Hi Sidony !
My husband never cheated on me, it was before we was together, we got married after two months of dating. But we have always believed we only had one family. Ours together! we started our family with love, and we choose to be together forever,with one family. No this person says she is his, she will be 31 next month. It is hard for me and my husband to deal with and has put a lot of stress on both of us. We still love each other, but still hard to accept. Thank you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi RosePetals! Sorry I misunderstood!!! Your husband sounds perfect. :-) But you really should try to talk about this stuff and get some input on how to cope with it (and definitely from someone with better ideas/skills than me :-) ). Don't bury your feelings about it or you'll create a wall. I've done that too many times to count! Build a strategy together! This person will not be able to destroy your life, it's just going to be hard to cope with for a while.

Sidony

[RosePetals]

Hi all!
I wanted to thank all of you for your help. I know a lot of people really can't seem to grasp how I would feel, some of you have never been in a relationship as long as I have, some of you might be younger or as old as this girl of 30, that has told us that she is my husbands daughter. I guess my biggest problem is that, we was married at a young age, we stood by each other all these years, and raised our children together. This girl has been raised by another family,and adopted by another man, and she just found out who her real father is. My husband did not date her mother, he only had quick sex with her, and never saw her again, and now after 31 years we find out she is his daughter. I feel and could be wrong, but I feel if he is her father, he did not raise her, never held our loved her... He would have been and only been a sperm donor. That is the way I feel, and maybe in time, I might look at this in a deferent way. Also my grown children does not want to know her or ever speak with her. Thanks again. Sure gets a load off my shoulders.

[Wants2Fly]

Hello RosePetals --

Your distress comes through strongly in your posts. I am so sorry that you are so distressed.

This young woman did not ask to be born. Wouldn't you be curious if you found out at age 30 who your real father was?

I hope in time that you will be able to open your heart to her and that maybe something good will come of it for everyone.

[SeptemberMorn]

FYI... I'm 63 and have been married twice. My first husband had little bastards scattered all over the place BUT that was in his PAST.

[RosePetals]

Septembermorn!
For myself, I have only been married once. I was only 17 years old when we was married, I lost my first born baby twin girls. After 31 years how can anyone except a person they never met, and it be okay to allow them in to your life? This is hard for me to except... Thanks for your info.