[divine1966]

I have a concern about something. My t is gone for a month. Help me nice people.

My whole life I dated lived with and married men who are like my father. Very emotionally unavailable but ambitious successful take charge type a never sit still go getters. Even if they loved me they weren't into me enough to make any kind of sacrifice even minor . They were too much into themselves. Needless to say that isn't working for me so I left them all

I am finally with a man who is very into me and very emotionally available not afraid of commitment and not macho type whatsoever. He is very nice but socially awkward and clumsy a bit and it does get on my nerves . But overall he is someone I see myself possibly happy with

And guess what I create scenarios in my head and nitpick.

I notice every little things and go over it in my head. I become totally obsessed with something bad happening like him taking advantage of me, using me or lying to me. I have no evidence of any of it. He has similar fears because he was abused by his ex worse than me. But he isn't nitpicking.

I on the other hand create idiotic scenarios in my head and go over everything in my head like he is after my money ( he isn't but I knew men who were), he needs me to be his mother ( he doesn't but I am often the one to make plans and be in charge and I didn't used to be with a man like him), he needs too much guidance even with basic things like we are invited to a wedding and he needs help ( not monetary help) with shopping for dress clothes -why doesn't he have dress clothes, his kids are not very successful, he is broke ( he works but has difficulties and debt so do I so why is it bothering me he is broke?) etc etc

Some of it I share with him and some I just brew inside

I am afraid I am on a path of ruining something potentially good. I am not sure if I am doing it on purpose or what not but I need someone talking sense into me. When I am with unavailable men I don't nitpick because I am too busy trying to make them commit or be available. And now I nitpick

Uugghh help!!!!!


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[healingme4me]

Do you keep a journal? When that desire approaches, can you write it out, to at least let it out? Or to give it a different spin? I just voiced something to a long time friend, and her perspective spun something that I've struggled with, for a long time, into the direction that I needed to go.

He didn't have dress clothes. He didn't have an inkling as to what would be appropriate for this particular wedding, I'm presuming a completely new social circle, hence trying to please without embarrassment to either of you? Because he doesn't have dress clothes, the fear of what's happened to you financially aroused internally?

[divine1966]

Great insight. Thank you. No I hate keeping journals. But perhaps it's a good idea.

Well him not having dress clothes all by itself isn't an issue ( he isn't a good dresser, wears scrubs to work and is in a process of losing weight hence no new clothes which is fine ) but you are right one little thing arouses internal fears of something else. In this case it was fear of him just not fitting in

Then I make strange connections. We recently had s Picnic and I made food. He was supposed to bring chips, whipped cream for fruits and drink. He brought everything rather ****** quality. And I asked if he could bring sports drink. He brought one. I immediately got upset why does he want to share a drink, is he that cheap, can't I have my own. Turned out he intended it for me but he himself wanted water. Still why one drink? And quality of what he brought well he just doesn't know any better.

He once forgot his wallet and was embarrassed . I assumed he did it on purpose as I dated a guy once who conveniently forgot his wallet all the time and I always paid .

He brought me flowers and a huge sticker with price was in my face. I assumed it's on purpose

I do little things for him but then I think he will use it against me or take advantage of me

He is just so very different from any men i even know let alone dated. I am anxious about that. I like that he is different but it is like too different

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[unaluna]

Idk. I did have one other date thru the newspaper - all the guy did was talk about beans. How he pressure cooked beans, froze beans, and ate beans, because they were inexpensive protein. I am not a rich woman either - i cannot afford fancy vacations - but maybe i could if i only ate beans? I hate that cheap attitude, always worried about money. To me, it takes the joy out of every day life.

[Bill3]

How long have you been seeing him?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Bill3

How long have you been seeing him?

Not long. A little over 3 months. And we waited to be intimate, we dated 3 months before we did it lol. We wanted to make sure we are good friends first. He said he would wait as long as needed. Other men guilted me or I guilted myself. We are still getting to know each other

We are both insecure in relationships. I am terrified he will take advantage of me and he is terrified I'll dump him. Seriously one way or the other men took advantage of me financially ( even if they made a ton of money!!!) and took me for granted. On the superficial level they were awesome but in reality they weren't

And now the fear it will happen again takes over

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by hankster

Idk. I did have one other date thru the newspaper - all the guy did was talk about beans. How he pressure cooked beans, froze beans, and ate beans, because they were inexpensive protein. I am not a rich woman either - i cannot afford fancy vacations - but maybe i could if i only ate beans? I hate that cheap attitude, always worried about money. To me, it takes the joy out of every day life.

We can write a book with dating experiences of PC members.

I hate cheap attitude too yet I understand true financial struggle. The funny thing with my paranoia I come across as cheap too because I worry I'll spend more on him than he on me. The whole "fairness" concern

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[Webgoji]

This obviously isn't about him.

This situation is about you turning the tides on your ex's. It sounds like your inner "tape" is saying, "Not this time. I'm going to take charge, I'm going to be the one." But instead of being in charge, you're nitpicking. Your ex's were emotionally distant, so you have to push him back with ridicule. You don't like him being cheap, but said he was broke. But your ex's weren't were they?

He didn't get the right this, he didn't do enough of that, he should have had this ... compared to what? Anything he does that doesn't meet your expectation comes back to your ex's:

Seriously one way or the other men took advantage of me financially ( even if they made a ton of money!!!) and took me for granted.

I like that he is different but it is like too different

Etc, etc.

This new relationship (and any other) is going to be a struggle until you can close the chapter on those past relationships starting with your father. My understanding is that it starts with forgiving them all and then the real work can begin on knowing when something he does is really inappropriate or if you're lashing out at something from the past.

[healingme4me]

Other than the money angle, and the fears from the past .

Are you compatible? Do you get along? Is he companion material? Does he meet your relationship needs, overall? Or is something else eating at your view on this relationship?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Other than the money angle, and the fears from the past .

Are you compatible? Do you get along? Is he companion material? Does he meet your relationship needs, overall? Or is something else eating at your view on this relationship?

Yes we do get along. He is very easy going and we have fun doing just about anything. He is very affectionate. We seem compatible. We are never bored together either doing something or just being there around each other. He is laid back and I am a bit **** but we seem to balance each other

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

This obviously isn't about him.

This situation is about you turning the tides on your ex's. It sounds like your inner "tape" is saying, "Not this time. I'm going to take charge, I'm going to be the one." But instead of being in charge, you're nitpicking. Your ex's were emotionally distant, so you have to push him back with ridicule. You don't like him being cheap, but said he was broke. But your ex's weren't were they?

He didn't get the right this, he didn't do enough of that, he should have had this ... compared to what? Anything he does that doesn't meet your expectation comes back to your ex's:



Etc, etc.

This new relationship (and any other) is going to be a struggle until you can close the chapter on those past relationships starting with your father. My understanding is that it starts with forgiving them all and then the real work can begin on knowing when something he does is really inappropriate or if you're lashing out at something from the past.

Thank you. I very much agree. I am in
Therapy to make sure I let go off the past. And I thought I did. But here I am. Meeting this guy and it all comes back. I am really trying guys. That's why I posted here. I needed your help

My BF does know what I am doing and why. We are both very open about what's happening. We discuss everything. We have different issues but we have them nonetheless.

We finally both have a full weekend off together, normally our schedules et us only be together one day at a time . He is driving here now. I'll try my best this weekend and I will update you all

Thank you all again. I advice others on things but rarely share myself. Now Is The time I need you!

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[healingme4me]

Then I'm guessing that it's more worry and looking for little signs of what can go wrong?
I've learned as I'm going through my own daddy issues, that the thing about a master manipulator, is that it's insidious because it might not be intentionally done. For instance, I really believe that he believes the things that he says. Currently, he's rewriting history as he's caught up in the romance excitement of a new love. He also gets very excitable at 'gold' prospects. Meaning he does have an addiction to the next big thing. He'd rushed in and dumped 60k without my stepmoms blessing on a business venture that flopped. He rushed out and took out additional loans to fund his further education without consulting with her. He truly believes he's in for a big payday through divorcing my stepmom, who's family owns a financially pricey business, and her mom passed just months before he filed. So, in telling his story to this new woman, he is also changing the reality of my mom's memory to sound like there's only one true love, etc. Will the new woman see it, the way I see it, after a lifetime of seeing him practically manic in his desires to make money? Dunno. I point this out, as you are sorting through whatever natural fears that are creeping into how worried about whether it's a bust or the real deal.

[Trippin2.0]

I don't really have any sage advice for you to fix this, but I went through the same thing with my bf, for like the first year of our relationship.


Its like being on high alert for any little sign that could mean history is repeating itself.


Everytime it happened to me, I would try to take a step back, breath and put it on a timer.


If X still bugged me in Y amount of days, then I deemed it worthy of a discussion and not a state of unwarranted panic.


I think the biggest favor I did myself and our relationship was taking a leap of faith.


Trusting that he really was different, not just on the obvious outside, but inside as well, and that he had no ulterior motives and would not turn on me, or turn out to be using me.


Everytime I started to panic, I tried to calmly remind myself that I had chosen to take a leap of faith, and that I refused to actually follow through with the panic unless there was a reason flickering in big bright neon lights.


I'm happy to report that I did not fall down a canyon!


I'm glad you're posting instead of stewing and worrying, I hope you two have a great weekend together.

I'm no expert in the relationship department which could be indicated by some of my other posts, but your relationship reminds me a lot like a relative's.

They used to fight a lot because the guy forgot a lot of things and made a lot of little mistakes. All of his socks had holes in them, he wore old worn jeans and he never owned any nice dress clothes. He couldn't go grocery shopping without a list or else he would come back with only meat and bread and nothing to cook with it. He didn't clean up his messes around the house. You get the picture.

Anyways, what helped them save the relationship and even lead into marriage was her giving him a physical schedule and writing notes for him to remember. He had a heart of gold and was selfless in a lot of ways, he just couldn't function in anything without an instruction manual.

Hope I helped!

[aspark2895]

I know how you feel. You sound exactly how my fiance and I felt in the start of our relationship. However, the quirky things will seem to disappear, the fear of "is he using me?" or "what the heck is wrong with him for wanting to be with me?" will go away. It takes a lot to fully open up to someone like that. Especially if its a person you don't typically go for. If something is really bothering you about him, you and him really need to sit down and talk about it and how to fix this without being too aggressive.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I'm no expert in the relationship department which could be indicated by some of my other posts, but your relationship reminds me a lot like a relative's.

They used to fight a lot because the guy forgot a lot of things and made a lot of little mistakes. All of his socks had holes in them, he wore old worn jeans and he never owned any nice dress clothes. He couldn't go grocery shopping without a list or else he would come back with only meat and bread and nothing to cook with it. He didn't clean up his messes around the house. You get the picture.

Anyways, what helped them save the relationship and even lead into marriage was her giving him a physical schedule and writing notes for him to remember. He had a heart of gold and was selfless in a lot of ways, he just couldn't function in anything without an instruction manual.

Hope I helped!

Lol yes some guys are exactly like that. This one is kind of like what you described lol your post made me laugh lol

Thank you guys. So far so good. I didn't nitpick. Yay.

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Originally Posted by divine1966

Lol yes some guys are exactly like that. This one is kind of like what you described lol your post made me laugh lol

Thank you guys. So far so good. I didn't nitpick. Yay.

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Haha NP glad I helped!

It sounds like he seems to genuinely care about you so I would keep him. Many people absolutely have to be told what to do or at least have some kind of written directions or else they screw up on the most menial tasks. Just because his brain is wired a different way doesn't mean he doesn't love you or care about anything nor does it make him less worthy of love or respect.

Maybe text him requests or keep a written schedule for him to prevent him from forgetting things?

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Yes we do get along. He is very easy going and we have fun doing just about anything. He is very affectionate. We seem compatible. We are never bored together either doing something or just being there around each other. He is laid back and I am a bit **** but we seem to balance each other

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I think the real truth here is that if you are already having issues with the way he is, it's not going to get better, he's not going to change, so you you'd have to change your wants, needs, preferences to fit him into your life.

In the very beginning, if it's going to be "right" at all, you're not going to be having these kinds of doubts. If it's right, it's right enough to move forward. If you don't like cheap men, don't try to fit one in just because. Even if you get him to change, he will only do it for a while and then revert back to his usual tendencies again over time. If he did change for you, say tomorrow, you'd have to observe him for quite some time to see if the change "takes" hold.

And, you are right to be wary of a man who is so cheap, forgets his wallet, etc. maybe being after you for your money. But don't dwell on that. Date him, be light and casual for now, observe carefully, manage your emotions and expectations, do not give him any financial support. You'll need to do this for quite some time anyway.

I've just gotten "off that boat" with a man that I felt connected with in the beginning but over time, I began to observe that things weren't working for me and I just had to go through that process to learn from it for the future. It was at about the 6 month mark that I started to see the "real" him but wasn't quite clear until recently. It's tricky out there but we can't be afraid. Just enjoy new dating scenarios, give them a little time and space and if/when they don't work for you, leave them and learn from the experiences.

[divine1966]

He isn't cheap, that's the thing. And I don't want him to change. I am just paranoid due to past experiences. So is he. I don't have true red flags with him.

Oh I had 50 years of learning experiences with men lol I can write a book lol tired of learning

So far so good. Thank you again

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[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by divine1966

He isn't cheap, that's the thing. And I don't want him to change. I am just paranoid due to past experiences. So is he. I don't have true red flags with him.

Oh I had 50 years of learning experiences with men lol I can write a book lol tired of learning

So far so good. Thank you again

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Hopefully, we never stop learning

[I'm Worth It]

I wouldn't call what you're going through and experiencing sabotaging though. Sabotaging is more about emotional distancing and doing things consciously or subconsciously to push a person away and preventing or slowing down the development of closeness.

[divine1966]

Error post



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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by I'm Worth It

I wouldn't call what you're going through and experiencing sabotaging though. Sabotaging is more about emotional distancing and doing things consciously or subconsciously to push a person away and preventing or slowing down the development of closeness.

I did pushing away and distancing by unreasonable nitpicking. It is a sure way to push people away. So I did sabotage the relationship. I currently do not so things are moving forward. Our relationship isn't light and casual. It's fun but it ain't casual lol We have very strong emotional connection and discuss pretty much every single thing including mistakes we both make. Thanks again

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[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I did pushing away and distancing by unreasonable nitpicking. It is a sure way to push people away. So I did sabotage the relationship. I currently do not so things are moving forward. Our relationship isn't light and casual. It's fun but it ain't casual lol We have very strong emotional connection and discuss pretty much every single thing including mistakes we both make. Thanks again

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Nah, I think in this case, you're putting too much pressure on simple differences in preferences, etc. The things you've mentioned are not emotional things. They are "superficial".

We have very strong emotional connection -- this can't be happening if you've been distancing yourself

[divine1966]

Our emotional connection turned out to be stronger than my attempts to look for red flags where there are none ( at this point). Yes they turned out to be superficial, that's why I stopped nitpicking. I subconsciously looked for things to be able to distance myself. I picked up fights so he'd run.

I know what I did. Not the first time. Our connection makes it possible to discuss theses things and he is too in love with me to run. I wanted him to run. It is complicated with me and relationships. That's why I am in therapy. So is he

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