Non Speaking Husband

What things don't go his way though? There doesn't seem to be any new development

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At that dinner, we don't even know if OP really talked to him about marriage issues or just about her bad day she made him listen to???? when he claimed she was in a "bad mood".....maybe he can't handle having a wife in a bad mood either......or expects his marriage to be like "Leave it to Beaver" or maybe "Father Knows Best"?

She didn't say she was talking about marriage just about her day and he listened which really could mean anything. He could be day dreaming for all we know.

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It does upset me that he hasnt asked if I was ok during the month of February. He had his dad call me and ask where I was the first two days ( I drove to my moms/dads house three hours away). Other than that. He never asked if I had money, if I ate, if anything. That I wont forget. When we were talk the other night. I asked him why didnt he pull me aside and talk to me about the things he thought were issues. His answer was I wouldnt have got it. The best way for me to get it was to be put out of the house. Has he asked how school is going or how much longer? NO he hasnt. I have a lot on my plate with no support at all other than this thread.
Your right. He is acting like a child and I dont want to deal with this. Two weeks left for school to be done.
I have a friend that has a very large home. She is willing to rent me a room when I need it. I am looking into that to. In two weeks I have another appointment with a therapist, spoke to an attorney, and have a place to go when I need it. Ive been doing research.

Good for you

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Ok Seeyalater, you definitely have been in a confusing spin as well as trying to finish getting your masters. So, he said you would not understand unless he put you out of the house. Wow, he has not even answered that he had also put you "out" when he tricked you into signing away any rights to that house too, he was only surprised you found out about that. He is punishing you, abandoning you to gain power over you and "control", that is IMHO a red flag for NPD. He is also blaming you for "his" problems too, another bad sign Seeyalater. Now you have found a place you can go "if"?

He has not even appologized for "his" actions either, not good. Plus he gave you a chance to fill "his" needs and be intimate, but then he is off yet again. That is getting you into bad cycles of confusion that is going to hurt you Seeyalater, that is just not good for you, not healthy at all.

I think you need to read the two links I posted about narcissistic abuse again and think about it. You, live with this person, not all those who have been offering you support here including myself. NPD is born out of abandonment issues "most" of the time, and unfortunately, that may mean this "husband" is the kind of person that will punish others and blame them somehow and threaten with the silent treatment or abandoning them.

I am glad to hear you have an appointment with a therapist "for yourself", we are not professionals here, but have noticed red flags that are very problematic.

((Seeyalater)), this challenge "does" happen to nice young women, it's not their fault and they "do" get hurt and confused when it does happen. Some women stay to regain a time when things "seemed happier", they try to even "fix" the individual just hoping that will happen. I can say, I watched someone I love dearly go through this and I think I mentioned it in your thread, it did not end well and it did hurt her too.

As was advised before, do your best to finish your masters first, then as planned see a therapist and decide what your next move will be. You are very fortunate, you have a caring mother and a healthier family that will emotionally support you.

((Hugs))
OE

When his dad called you, you should have given him no information about where you were. Much better to have told your father-in-law that, if his son wants to know anything, he needs to call himself.

He still thinks he was justified in telling you to get out?????????????? Because that was necessary in order for you to "get it."???????? First of all: He has no authority to "put you out." You're not there as a guest. You live there. Were he to ever try and forcefully keep you out of the house, you could have him arrested. He knows that himself. So do his parents. He did this because he figured you'ld accept this mandate and comply with it. The two of you have not really communicated at all in any meaningful way whatsoever. He still thinks he did what he needed to do and was justified in doing. Round up a hundred guys in a jail and ask them if this is an okay thing to do, and probably 99 will tell you no. And the one guy who differs would most likely be psychotic.

This isn't a normal marital quarrel. Your husband is nuts. And you are now asking him why he didn't pull you aside? to explain what was wrong??? What do you think you did wrong? But now he's satisfied that you finally "get it?" So you guys have gotten nowhere. Nowhere.

Seeya, your husband is not acting like a child. That's putting way too nice a face on it. That's minimizing what is going on. A child wouldn't even think to come up with the stuff he comes up with. But you are certainly right to consider this stuff unacceptable.

In this marriage, according to him, you have zero rights . . . not even a right to a roof over your head. We've all given this guy every benefit of a doubt. It sounds like you have tried. But you're back where you started.

Here's another thing that is very peculiar. He was great to you for 6 years, and suddenly went completely off his rocker. His dad was "So Good" to you - for years - and suddenly is against you, telling his gf not to talk to you. I'm sorry, Seeya, but people do not change suddenly from being just great and so good over to be reprehensible. There is something wrong that you are this blindsided by people like this. It strongly suggests that you go around in a daze with no clue what the people around you are about. I know you are young, but 6 years??? seriously???

I'm so glad that you seem to be getting the logistics worked out of what you need to get in place, if you leave this marriage. That shows foresight. I can't tell you to get a divorce. It's possible that being alone would be more lonely for you, and there is absolutely no guarantee that you will find a better guy. (Though at age 24, I don't see how you couldn't. I think if you threw a stone into a crowd of guys to see who it landed on, any guy at random would likely be a better partner. Then again, you were happy for 6 years. Maybe, this will blow over and you'll be happy for another 6 years. That's not a bad deal. But I cannot see how that happens.

If you do get some therapy for yourself, which I think might not be a bad idea, don't go trying to figure out what kind of a disorder your husband might have. Go to find out what is it with you that you can think you are in a perfectly fine situation, only to have this sort of thing happen and you to be taken 100% by surprise.

I don't know what's wrong with your husband, but, based on what you've reported here (and you do come across as earnest and truthful), his behavior and attitudes are off the wall crazy. This didn't start a few months ago. You need therapy to figure out why you were blind to who he is for 6 years. Or just talk to sensible people who know you, and maybe know the both of you. You have friends and a nice family. Anybody mature and sensible can probably give you some good advice. Never mind trying to diagnose your husband. I don't know if he has a personality disorder and I don't care. You don't base your management of your relations with people by trying to figure out what diagnosis they might have. Leave that to the psychiatrists. Any sensible adult would tell you that this whole episode with your husband, if what you've told us is the whole story, is just crazy and insane. Do what is good for you. What do your parents tell you about this whole business?? I would be horrified, if I had a daughter come to me, saying she was told to get out of her home by her husband. Good luck.

I agree with Rose that this is insane.

Actually up to yesterday I thought that he is extremely remorseful and apologetic and beating himself up for what he did. I still thought it is awful but at least maybe that's why he was forgiven by you, because he was remorseful (even if fake). I was rather shocked that hd still feels no remorse. It is insane and abusive. This isn't acting like a child. That is abuse.

I said before that rather than reading articles and trying to diagnose and fix him AND his parents it would be wise to address why do YOU allow such treatment. Focus on that. Not on fixing him. And no he didn't suddenly change

I asked before what her parents say and I believe Seeya said her parents told her to divorce him.

PS I was kind of wondering about "pull you aside" comment. You two are married and do things together sleep together eat together discuss things? Or no? Pull somebody aside to express a complain is something maybe a boss and subordinate would do or a teacher and a student. Never heard such comment about married couples. You two don't sound like equal partners.

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He stopped at his dad's. They were watch a game and had cocktails. He didn't want to drive after the cocktails. He's close to his dad.

Yes for six years we were all one happy family. When this all happened I talked to his brother. His brother and adviced me to call the pastor that married us. The pastor is a great family friend. I called him and met with him. He tried contacting my husband and his dad. After a couple of times of the pastor trying to contact my husband he called is dad. The dad called tbe pastor and told imago stop meddling in his business. There is nothing wrong with his son other than stress at work and some rocks in his marriage. The pastor called me and said he was done trying to talk to him. He was asked to bud out. He talks to me all the time. He to is shocked with the behavior of my husband and his dad.
Now as far as his friends. He sees one almost every morning and works out with him. His other friends have stopped contacting him because if what he has done. I'm talking four of his close friends. When one of the names comes up he only has bad things to say about them and the girlfriends. My friends are all shocked by his actions and so are my parents. My parents both say he fooled them and would of never of thought he would of done what he did.
So it's not just me saying he wasn't like this. No one has seen this personality in him or it was in him and something triggered it out.
No. He has not apologized for what he did. I'm waiting for that. When I said he could of pulled me aside or sat me down. I meant he could of communicated with me. He said I wouldn't of got it.
he really believes in his mind that by not cooking everyday I was a horrible person. When I asked to help match socks I was a nasty person. Whenn I asked him to shut the dresser drawers after he got something out he really thinks I was a raging with.

I understand, things happen.

But married or engaged or even simply cohabiting couples typically do not just stay overnight at their parents unless it is visits from out of town or circumstances of like taking care of ill parent. Otherwise people do go home to their spouses regardless how close they are to their parents.

He knew he had to go home why drinking up to the point that he cannot drive? When I know I gave to drive home I don't drink. Grown people make that choice.

He already spends weekends outside of home now he isn't coming home during the week, this is not your typical loving husband

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Honestly you will never know what person thinks or believes in their mind. You only know what he says and does. It is not even important what is his mind. What's important is what you want from life and from marriage.

You said you two are kissing, hugging and holding hands after he let you back, yet apparently he never apologized! It is shocking. Please focus on what's ok for you.

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What bothers me about your situation is that you have never told him that you refuse to be treated like that & if he wants to continue acting the way he's acting that he's the one that is forcing the divorce to happen. Right now, you have been silent on that aspect & he's blaming it all on you & you are accepting the blame silently rather than turning the blame for the marriage falling apart on him. Even if you do place the blame on his behavior, he might not accept it but at least then he would HEAR THE OTHER SIDE.....right now, your side has never been heard by him....you just continue to ask him questions rather than make a firm statement of where YOU ARE COMING FROM.

I lived with a H who for 33 years never apologized for the things that he did......when I went through a trauma, & was trying to explain to him what was happening, he looked at me like I was crazy....I would ask him to do things during our marriage & he would look at me like I was speaking a foreign language.....then the final touch....he totally ignored the letter from the IRS about back taxes & totally refused to talk to the lending company about the foreclosure......the IRS situation was about my inheritance money that he really blew it on & major back taxes were owed.....NEVER one apology....& he could NEVER explain even WHY he ever did anything when confronted.

It wasn't until last year after being gone from him for 7 years (haven't been able to afford the divorce yet & obviously he's not interested in getting one) that I started to read about Asperger's even though I had been suggested that it might have been the problem after first leaving him.....but reading about it explained 100% of everything I had experienced with him.....the point is that in reality it doesn't matter what I know that he has.....the only thing that it does for me is give me an understanding of what I went through & also helps with the level of anger that I had built up toward him over the 33 years.....but it doesn't change his behavior & it doesn't change that there is NO WAY IN THE WORLD I could continue living under those conditions & his parents have no interest in KNOWING that the his problem is something that he's had all his life. My therapy is focused on my healing & on my self care when I do have to interface with him on things that still need resolved because he does NOTHING on his own without me still forcing him into action & even that takes a LOT of force....his incapability is still frustrating but not like it was when I had to live with it 24/7.

After dealing with what I went through......it's important to confront them, but when it ends up being pointless for WHATEVER REASON....it leave the only solution is to leave.

I haven't heard anything to make me think favorably of your father-in-law. Yet, on this matter, I think your father-in-law was within his rights. I'm glad you went to the pastor. I'm glad he expressed shock over the treatment you are getting. However, he had no business trying to contact either your husband or your father-in-law. No clergyman has a right to go tracking people down to give them counseling that they haven't asked for. He should certainly have been supportive of you, and it sounds like he was . . . . but I don't get what he thought he was going to accomplish by contacting your husband. Maybe he was going to reproach him, or offer to mediate. Either would have been out of line. Different, if you and your husband had jointly gone to see this pastor. And calling the father-in-law makes little sense. I don't care how close a friend of the family he may be.

So it's good you made a stab at talking with the pastor. (I would say, as I said above, talk to anyone you can find. You do seem to need input from objective parties.) But make a mental note that this pastor will not be a source of intelligent help. As pastors go, he's not a man of wisdom. TBH, I think he's an idiot. If I sound overly forceful, in coming to a conclusion like that, here's why: This is not a complicated situation with a lot of subtleties to figure out. This is not one of those marital breakdowns with a tangled history and things to consider on both sides. Your average 7th grader, told what we've been told, should be able to sort this out in 5 minutes.

A person in the middle of a forest only sees the immediately surrounding trees. So your confusion maybe somewhat understandable. No young woman wants to think that she has invested 6+ years into a bad relationship and to think she may need to disassemble the entire thing, especially when she is part of a couple that has managed to get a house, 3 dogs, etc. I guess you were feeling like you had built the foundation of your life and would, now, build upon that foundation. Very sad to find out that the foundation is completely eaten through with termites and is beyond what an exterminator can fix. Even at 24, no one wants to start over, like the last 6 years of their life didn't happen. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I can't tell you what you should do. Here's a little more food for thought that may help you to have a better understanding of what the normal expectations in a marriage should be: You have nice parents and have grown up in the security of their support. May it be a long, long way into the future, but someday they will be gone. What siblings you may have will their own spouses and children as their priority. Someday, your husband will be the main person you have to rely on outside of yourself. We never know what the future will bring. I hope you have a richly blessed life, but hardship comes to all of us. Someday you may get very sick. Is this a man whom you can have faith in to be your "rock" when times get tough? He's not seeming to care whether you succeed in your graduate program. How would he be to have around, if you were going through chemotherapy? And suppose that, tomorrow, he was involved in a car accident that left him paralyzed. Is he deserving of having you around to share the experience of that with him?

After 7 years of him coming home bouncing-off-the-walls drunk, I left the man I was in love with and living with. A few years later, he had a stroke that left him partially paralyzed. I was so glad that I had left when I had. I still cared about him and helped him to recover. But I could do as much, or as little, as I wanted. No one could say I dumped him because he got sick. I had no guilt.

The first week after I moved out from the place we shared, I thought I was going to die of heartbreak. By the second week, I was so glad I had finally done what I had been considering for years. I didn't know how good it would feel to not have someone stumbling through the door and mistreating me, until I arranged that for myself. Soon I was just thrilled with my little apartment in a low-rent neighborhood that was all mine, where no one could come through the door and start picking on me. Since you married so young, you've never had that experience of totally running your own show. I highly recommend it.

Just some food for thought.

No, not an apology as of today. I have been talking to him about what he did and the way he treated me when I came back to the house. Yes, he blamed me for ruining the marriage. There is no way that I ruined any marriage because of dinner. He has the problem and right now he doesnt like anyone.
Like I said in a previous post. He doesnt like his friends girlfriends and refuses to do anything with them (because of the girlfriends). We all use to do a things together. He has made negative comments about his dads girlfriend. Im not trying to fix him in any way. I am there to see if this marriage will/can work. I would like an apology. A Narcissist!! Could be. Yes of course I will read the links. Thank you.

An apology for what? He's telling you that he did what was necessary to straighten you out, so you would "get it." And you don't seem to be getting it. He's quite dissatisfied that you are being so obstinate.

So suppose he said this: "Yes, Sweetheart, I'm sorry I kicked you out of the house. I should have taken you "aside" and just explained to you how you need to shape up and get with the program. I should really have, first, given you the chance to improve before I put you out. I'm sorry I didn't give you that chance, and I'm willing, now, to let you have some time to stop being a rotten wife and show me that I did not make a big mistake in marrying you. I'm sorry I jumped the gun and didn't, first, explain to you how you can help me recover from the hurt you've put me through by ruining our marriage. You do deserve a chance to do better, and I'm willing to give you that."

THAT is the only "apology" you are ever going to get from this kook!

Wow, he punishes anyone that he feels is a threat to his being in "control" and getting the attention "he" feels is due him his way. I don't see how that can be a person that can possibly be a healthy life partner Seeyalater.

Is this pastor a real pastor? As like trained and ordained? What religion is it? I can't imagine any clergy calling in laws making them meddle in grown kids marriages. So inappropriate. I agree with rose that father in law might be a jerk but he is within his rights to tell pastor to stop meddling.

I see we are back to discussing how not cooking dinners causing your husband's bad treatment of you.

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Yeah, I'm not going to get an apology like that either. I haven't got one and I'm not getting one. Someone had asked and I answered.

I'm not trying to fix him. That's something I cant do. I'm there to see if the marriage is repairable but again I'm not working on him. I have been really busy with work, coaching (travel), and full time school. I'm done with school May 8th and yes a friend of mine has a large home with an extra room she will rent to me.

Shortly after he did this to me. I noticed and still hear him complain about the partners of friends. He wants to go camping and if they cant go he has something bad to say about them. Since they all have girlfriends they havent been around.

The pastor just asked him that if he needed to talk, he was there. I didnt think it was bad. He wanted to let him know that he was available for him. He then called his dad and the dad put a stop to it. He response was just because he has bumps in the road with his marriage and is stressed about work doesn't mean he's crazy.
I have had my own apartment when I met my husband. I've been on my own before I met him.
No, he hasn't mentioned anything about school. My boss asked me to conduct a presentation for him. After the presentation was done, I was called into the deans office. He congratulated me on how well I did and reminded me to apply for a teaching position. I told my husband. His answer was "cool" then aren't you glad I talked you into it. He never did I told him I really didn't want to do it. He said you'll be fine. So by him saying "you'll be fine" that was his way of talking me into doing the presentation. So, he thinks he should be getting the credit for my presentation well done.

OK I've been lurking and reading and WONDERING if this guy could be on steroids or something??? Sudden change in personality, works out...I don't know how you could find this out though????? My daughter dated someone who acted in a similar fashion and he ended up committing suicide behind that type of drug (long after she had ended the relationship I might add). Anyway, has he buffed up lately????
Either that, or he is from a different culture??? one that thinks women should be subservient?
In any case, you definitely need to rethink this relationship, Seeyalater.

Sorry he sounds useless. What's he good for? No for real? Paying bills? That's about it, pretty much anyone or no one is better.

How much on your own could you possibly be if you met him
At 18?

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I asked. Seeya said they are not from a different culture.

The whole thing is just off. Including crazy parents and now wacko pastor who calls seeya's father in law to discuss seeya's marriage. A bit of alternate universe or twilight zone. I'd start packing. This is surreal

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