Husband's ex-secretary sent him pictures of her pole dancing

it's the lowest form of communication in a relationship. bullying. next comes killing..........

Direction, oh, I'm safe! That incident happened in April - the day I came home and told him, "Let's go to your office and listen to the messages together" - since then, the "verbal" abuse continues, but he hasn't touched me. I know, he probably will if I "say something wrong" - but I'm not saying much of anything...I'm just going with the flow.

I think I have the flu....so I'm going back to bed now. My therapist is on vacation so I'm going almost 2 1/2 weeks without talking with anyone...it's driving me crazy!

Thanks you all....I'll check back in tomorrow...

PM or post again - we probably should start a new thread as you start a new chapter in your life...

HI, Sadmommy..
I'm glad you feel safe for now. I, and I'm sure others here, have been thinking about you with concern.
It does not bode well that a man would react with physical violence when challenged on any level. I actually do not think you are so safe! If you anger or challenge this man again, you may find yourself once again at the receiving end of physical abuse. I hope you have talked to your counselor about this.
It sounds like you are keeping the peace by not ruffling his feathers in any way. That is probably a smart choice while you are there with him.
Patty

I am sorry to be the barer of bad news. But you don't have a marriage you have an arrangement.A husband is suppose to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave his self for it.Have you read the book The Compassionate Side Of Divorce by: C.S. Lovett?I don't see a Christian man I see a man who hates women and is taking it out on you.Sometimes the truth can be so bruittle. I am sorry for your pain. smilie

I have just discovered a thread here called Domestic Violence this pertains to your situation> I think you may find it useful. And they are people who have posted on there who have come through what you are living now. smilie

Where is Sadmommy... not seen on PC since June 4.

I sent a PM...

I worry about her too!
Patty

me, too.....

Hi everyone! Oh my, I have never felt "loved" like this before and that is the truth. I am safe! My school ended on June 1 (I'm a teacher) and I am more busy now that I'm home than I am while working. I am so busy with my own kids right now and their goings-on, that I haven't had time to "dwell" or "focus" on my real problem. Yes, I'm pushing it to the side I think, finding myself getting by.

My husband had an end-of-year party a week and a half ago. His ex-secretary was there with her new beau. My husband asked me if I said Hi to her and I said "We made eye contact." He asked me what my problem was and I couldn't bring myself to say anything about "their relationship" "the pictures" etc. I just said I didn't have a problem with her. Then he said, "Let's go say Hi...." I told him no...and all "h" broke loose. He said I thought you didn't have a problem...I just said i didn't want to say hi...on and on. Well, she came up to him a few times and I just walked right by her (like a teenager)...Oh, I am so dumb. I should have just played it off, hugged her and all would be fine..but NO, I acted like a little girl. My husband made sure he told me that too. Said I should be embarrassed. Funny thing is, secretary probably knows I have a problem and she didn't bother to "come to me" to say "hi"....

I'm rambling...sorry...but I see my therapist tomorrow morning and will ask about it. My husband is hoping I ask my therapist about it to see what my issue is. I know what my issue is, I just can't tell him...I hold it in. Yes, I'm afraid. So I hold it in.

Wish to hear from you all and thanks for thinking of me. I treasure ALL your words!

Glad to see around...yea I think you know the issue...just remember direct assertive communication...

Regarding the party ... don't worry about it now as it is over with...a hind sight is 20/20 kind of thing...I'm not interesting in meating someone who might have been competition...

Ok that may be a bit over the top...

hey, my ex and i went to a party right after we married. this younger woman just couldn't let us out of our sight. my radar went off......she was an ER admissions clerk. one day i walked into ER to have lunch with him (cafeteria) and there she sat with a teeshirt on that said "President" and on the back it said "of Dr. fan club"..........you talk about a kick in the stomach. and the ER director let her do that??????????????????? how much more inappropriate could that have been? no wonder she "stalked" us at parties and such............

there are things that aren't done. and the fact that he'd seen her with the shirt on and didn't speak up was a thorn in my side for ages.

you didn't act like a teenager. you were really stressed out by seeing her. your husband acted like a freaking teenager with a sick crush on another woman.

hang in there and be assertive to take care ofyour inner self. and you do NOT have to tell him what you andyour T talk about.....xoxox pat

Thanks for checking in SadMommy. Good to hear from you again. Take care.

Sadmommy

I would have enjoyed the opportunity to greet her and her new beau with a big smile and say "Where's your pole?"

My ex used to play mind games with me like that. I know that sick feeling you speak of in your stomach - oooooh, how I know. Like you, I'm possessive when it comes to committed love (marriage). His behavior drove me to be a snoop, and it's a shameful feeling. My suspicions turned out to be true. Our fights became vicious, but it was because I couldn't talk him into truly caring about me.

I'm married now to a wonderful man, and I can see the difference. I was worried I'd continue to be a distrusting snoop, but it's not necessary with my husband. He gives me no reason to be suspicious. He asks me to check his email when he's on the road, or cellphone messages when he left it at home. Gotta say, it still feels weird.

Neither one of us wear our wedding rings either - he works around too much electrical equipment, and I like to play with my dog without having to worry she'll swallow the diamond, lol. We know we're married, and to whom.

I can't see how your husband can possibly say he loves you when he treats you in such a way. If he cared, he'd do something to prove there was nothing between them. If he cared, you'd feel it. If he cared, he'd tell you why he's playing these mind games with you. If he did this on a consistent basis, I'm willing to bet he'd get all the lovin' from you he says he needs. If he did it well enough, it might even involve whipped cream and chocolate sauce, lol/jk.

Oddly enough, what I love most about my husband is the way he fights with me. We love with passion, but we also fight with passion. He'll sometimes say hurtful things, but at least they are his true feelings we can work on together. I've been known to say hurtful things to him as well, but he's strong enough to listen to why I've said them. He cares enough to try to understand my feelings.

My heart goes out to you. If this marriage fails, it is absolutely NOT your fault. He's the one that put the knot in your stomach. If he can't take it out, do it yourself and make a life of your own.

SadMommy,

If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it's to never ignore my womanly intuition. It's never been wrong and I am sure yours is leaving aches and pains in your tummy too. From your story, even MINE is ringing loud alarm bells for you. I know that it is far easier for us outsiders to say, 'Get out and make a life of your own', and I know that you are trying your best to save your marriage, but hunny, if this is what you will be suffering through for the rest of your life and if this is what your children have to see and hear about, is it really worth it?

The biggest mistake women make is to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of either themselves or thier children. I know, I am one of the unlucky foresaken children. Don't foresake your mental health and the mental health of those around you for a man that obviously has a hate on for women for whatever reason.

I can see that you are a strong woman and you don't need to hire anyone to tell you what you already know. The only thing you really need to do is take care of you. It's time to work on yourself and stop being so terribly focused on what your husband is up to. You already know what he's been doing...why bother living in HIS past...it's time to make YOUR future.

Please consider making a life of your own. If you are scared that you will have issues making ends meet, or adjusting without having the helping hands of your husband around all the time....just think about where his hands may have been earlier in the day and what diseases he might be carrying and what you might be saving yourself from should sleeping with him might now carry a death sentence after he bedded with the pole pug!

I'm pulling for you Sadmommy. If your husband were to come within 10 feet of me....well...he'd find himself being grilled on high without a non-stick pan!

The biggest mistake people make is to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of ...

Just wanted to remind that guys also stay in marraiges for similar reasons...I waiting 3 years for the sake of the children...

next time u see her whack her round the head with her pole!!!!
hehe naw tis probably not a good idea... but grrr ppl like that make me mad!!! the nerve!
dont stay there for the sake of ... like direction said
take care
self

i still have no idea why the "other woman" wants to be seen by the wife.........stupid, stupid, stupid. i know the usual reasons, but i'm talking about something deeper......like do they have a moral fiber at ALL?

I'm glad to hear about your new job. This is exciting! Now your becoming the new you. This job can become the new sure thing that defines you.I am glad that you have found some pleasure in your new transaction to living life with a hard earned career.

Congrads to you!

Hi! I'm telling you...your responses have made me laugh and cry! That's a good thing. It would be so funny if I would have gone up to her and asked her where her pole was. Oh my...that would have been great! Fay, not sure what you were asking...me seeing her or her seeing me...please explain!

I go back to work next week...so I' ve been away from the computer for a long time...just working on me. He went back to work today, so my tummy started up again. Thank you for telling me my "intuition" is important. I feel it is.

Got into a fight on July 4th. He said, "F you" about four times and told me I was a piece of "sh.." Then he said he's only staying with me because of our child together! I just sat in the back seat and laughed and said, "Waaa, waaa" and his response was "I'll find a woman that likes babies that go waaa, waaa".... after that day, no fights...just day to day stuff....I'm keeping quiet, not saying a word, continuing counseling...and PRETENDING everything is okay!

Love to you all!

i meant that i don't understand why the "other woman" feels that she needs to be seen by the wife. it happens all of the time.....and the husband gets a big kick of adrenaline and a rush when it happens.....

if you can live with "f**k you" four times and "piece of s**t"....i'm out of this thread. i wish you the best. faye

Faye has a point SadMommy. Where will it go from there? I think we all know the answer to that. Verbal abuse can turned to physical abuse in the blink of an eye. Be careful and be wise. Do what is right for you and your family.

I wish you well and pray you find the resolve to resolve this situation in your life. You and your kids deserve to be loved and valued. You know you don't have to figure this out on your own. There are resouces out there to help you if you want to use them.