I'm ****ing pissed for doing it again.

I let my emotions get the best of me. The good ones when someone makes me happy. I'm done, fed up angry, sick of this ********. I hate women, and their ****ing games. I hate my body my emotions. I'm ashamed for liking anyone or accidentally. I hate it, I dread so much when someone unintentionally does that to me.

I lost my appetite today, I am going to work out till I puke. I am not wanting to eat. I'm grossed out by food. I'm badly hurt. I hateful of myself for describing this like this. I'm not sexist. I'm not a bad person.

I can't take it, I hate shoving my emotions away from everyone. I don't want to date be your friend or anything just go away. Everyone one of you. Stop hurting me. This is so ****ed up.

Why did you give me your number? Why did you try so much to be so inviting? why did I get so happy? I'm a bad person. I can't feel happy.

I'm crying, cuz I can't feel this way. I'm not allowed to. My emotions are so ****ing stupid.

**** it go away. I feel sick to my stomach now. I can't stop crying go to your perfect bf's and gf's and taunt me like you always tell me I'm nothing and worthless. Tell me how much I should go die for even mentioning for having slightest feelings. ****ing hate me.

You shouldn't had done that. I'm so hurt right now. I don't want to look at food. I'm so ashamed, I hate being a guy, can I just be a woman, and hide incognito and have be hit on by other people this is so ****ed up.

Can this nightmare end? I am ****ing scared damn ****ing scared just go away. Quit hurting me. I can't stop crying and all you want to do is make fun of me failing. I hate you, I hate all of you don't come in my life and hurt me.

Just stop just ****ing stop. For too many years. I cried from your bullying pessimistic views on me and you continue to show me how worthless. I am.

I hate it when this happens. I don't let it happen, but when it does, God I'm so pissed. I can't do this. I can't do this anymore.


You won't get the best of me. Just keep your charms away. I'm too used to these tricks and games.

I'm weak and pathetic you don't understand how you killed me.... I hate people like you. You did nothing wrong and I'm the enemy here I'm my own worst enemy and I hate feeling good that we had a good time. I hate it, I dread it and I never want to love it. I never want to love any woman, because most expect me to be a better man for you, but you never pulled through for me. You're a joke a liar a schemer and you always want me to fail. How can I love you when you don't ****ing care!!?!?!?

Women who get me happy and feeling loved. I hate myself for putting this in my head. I want to die because of this.

Hey man I know how that feels and I think more people have been there than you know. But as cliche as this sounds, it really will pass. Sometimes people, like myself and maybe you as well, get down for a while like this because we start to feel like nothing more than a martyr for others in life. But it really won't always be that way. I know that and so should you, because with all of these terrible feelings in life also come happiness and acceptance and comfort and bliss. Don't throw all of that away when you're in a slump, as tempting as it may be. Stick it out and work on yourself and your own well being and happiness....some times what you're longing for only seems to Co e around once you've come to a a place in life where you're just more Co for table on your own. It shines through and attracts others to your life. It'll be okay.

Yis stay alive for me and others buddy I need your help every now and then they may too

I'm sick of it. I am seeing a sex therapist for this, because I cannot cope dating not even for one minute. I can't cope intimacy, because I can't handle losing it. I can't handle being lied to. I can't handle being mistreated again by another female. I can't do it.

I didn't seek her out, it just happened. I hate hate hate hate hate. Myself for letting my guard down once. I'm so frustrated for being naive again of my own feelings. I'm ashamed of feeling good that someone made me laugh and smile today. I didn't have sexual feelings for her, but emotionally connected. Then of course it's always too good to be true, because I'm a joke.

I'm not rich enough, I'm not the right look, gender, race, body height, muscle type, I'm not skinny enough. I'm not fat enough, I'm perfect enough. I'm not happy enough, I'm not good enough, I don't deserve you, because who would want this garbage. ****ing don't understand why women don't see this **** is so ****ing abusive.

I wasn't deserved to get anything good, because I'm not like you. The fact I'm not like you no matter how successful I'll be. I'll never be good as you.

You don't call this sexist this is me being "oppressive" because I don't understand women you say so. I don't know what the answer. I don't care, I just know I'm being truamatized by this ****ing ****. My heart can't take it, you told me I couldn't see you and you blamed me for it because I'm the man.

That's what you treat me like.

The fact you don't love me, makes nothing worth it. I lost a 100 lbs for you and you only laugh at me. Like I'm a joke, I'm the crazy one. and I deserve to die a crazy person's death, because I'm not ignorant like you. Because of this I don't deserve anything.

I read every word of your post, and the only thing I can tell you is that I'm not going to judge you.

I'm hurting so bad. That I feel and like my friend said, it's like every girl who I'm sorta close friends with here tell me from personal experience guy and so on about this area.

People here choose to be dumb about various subjects that should be more well known of for human decency reasons.

I think it's a trend here like my friends say, girls here will play games in the sense of not what you think as just young women being silly messing with other people's heads. It's just causing drama just to cause it. Simply they have no other input to give other than to create **** and cause harm onto others mostly emotionally, but also physically and socially.

Seriously a girl may start crap here it won't surprise you if she feels challenged she will harm your ego male and female either through brute force of beating you up and humiliation or tries to show how much better she is than you in various ways that are more spiteful and passive aggressive than mature how she may rationalize it.

I hate feeling. I don't belong. It's skewed, but I don't understand why the women in this area are all either lesbian, prudish as in very harsh and judgemental of everyone's sexual choices and being very nosy about it and very rude and harsh, and that both men and women here have an overly inflated ego. Being focused on putting everyone down that isn't like them. That any emotions you show, you are a ***** a ***** and you don't deserve anything. Here you cry as a man, you get beat up, you get emotionally played you couldn't handle me because you aren't man enough to handle yourself. Or if you aren't physically capable of whatever despite if you are on many things most normal people can't do. They will tear you down, you can't show any emotion.

I hate having to guard and shut everyone out even my parents who put this ideas in my head I should be afraid to feel. To be myself and be talkative to myself be sensitive be more in touch with my femininity, but I'm not too in touch. I'm more the opposite now.

I changed, this place I lived in this hell of people who abused me and called me weak for suffering. I was a victim and was blamed a fruad a failure and a loser to society and I shouldn't live happy because I didn't choose to, because I was raped at 4 and I was beaten by other people and I let them do it to me.

Don't you grown mother****ers know I was a child. If it was your child you'd be in my parents shoes too. If it was your child you'd do everything for them. If it was your child you show them they can do it. If it was your child they know they need to learn not everyone is evil and has poor intent.

But not me, I wasn't given that luxury. I was exposed to the worst of the worst in my area. I'm not no poor pitiful me, because **** that everyone wants to put me there to cage me. I'm angry I can't get out, not based on my own decisions, it's after I do it's shot to the ground by manipulation fear and intimidation that I can't do anything right. And that no matter how much success and happiness you may have, no one deserves it except themself. It's so true, because I expect people to lie to me all the time people to tell me I'm nothing, and lead me to the wrong direction.

If I could, I'd be used as a sexual object to get paid for it in adult film. Just to make more out of something, That I endure more mental trauma and more sexual trauma and use it to fight my past abuse that I'm not afraid of sex anymore. I'm not afraid of feelings, that I'm lusted by people, and I don't care that they do or don't. The fact I'd have an audience and have choice to make something good out of a bad situation can I please do that. Don't let these ignorant people kill me here, don't let some pissed off hick pull a gun out on me or a knife because he didn't like the way I talked to him or the way I walked.

Don't let that hood kill me, for blood here for initiation into any local gang. and god don't let some foolish people almost kill me like last time, for letting my naive brain take methampetamines when I am not a meth person. I don't do those drugs, it was in a molly and it wasn't my choice what's in there. I'd never do that again and haven't since that on time I almost died then.The time's I shown how much gratitude I have for someone and they never did for me after those near death.

Made me realize I'm dead I'm going to die alone. I can't love one person. I can't I wasn't shown what unconditional love is. Despite people making mistakes they never learned nor cared to they just kept doing it till they used me dry.

Everyone did. What else should I expect from people?

You never worked on your trauma with mental health professional? Psychiatrist or therapist? Would you please? This is not the way to live for a young man. You deserve better

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i'm so sorry you're suffering like this. i agree with Divine, you can't go on like this. you simply MUST get some professional help. antidepressants can work wonders and therapy can be so, so helpful.

i remember feeling like you did a year ago. then i saw a therapist, got on an antidepressant and since then things have been getting steadily better.

A sex therapist is a good start... but is that therapist able to help you with all of the trauma that you've experienced, the feelings of being suicidal?

I'm sorry for all that has happened in your past. It's definitely blending into your present, which is what hopefully therapy could help you with - because you seemed to start the thread with something that happened within the day you posted.... but there was no clear explanation of WHAT happened, and then you went time travelling and are talking about the past.

It's so easy, common, and understandable to get stuck in the past, and to see one tiny thing as a trigger for "OMG IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!" response (I do it too... it's hell!) But the thing is.... it isn't always a trigger for the same things happening, and when you hit that trigger you (general you, not YOU) end up making things go downhill, because you'll react as if the past is rehappening.

You need help learning how to separate the past from the present. It is possible. You don't believe that, which is why you need help with it. Not everyone is what you imagine them to be - you've had such horrible experiences that you're unable to see that there are many good people in the world.

Great I get text messages about over protective bfs from situations I'm not apart of.

I'm not aloud to cope or breathe or feel anything. I'm not allowed to feel anything good because if I do I'm weak here at least. I can't hear this drama at work home and I want someone to love me. Today I'm so not ready to work. I just am going to blow if I get pushed too far. People here don't care period. Despite what they say their actions show otherwise. Like everyone else in my life

If u are suicidal please please call your doc, 911 or crisis line. I feel bad for you but you repeatedly post that u are going to kill yourself yet there is nothing we can do besides giving you suggestions. Please call someone

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You need to go to the ER if you are suicidal.

Y, I hope not to offend you with this, but could you perhaps go to a minster? No matter how you feel about religion or the clergy or the afterlife, they are (for the most part) compassionate and good listeners who may be able to offer you comfort in real life.

FWIW I am not at all part of any church.

I went to the hospital. I was there for not even 24 hours. I am fine now, that was a lot of crap overwhelming me at once. I learned from it. I just cut 4 people out of my life period.. I didn't ask for that drama they wouldn't leave me alone. Finding my rapist again was stressful and I'm going to a funeral tomorrow for a childhood friend too. So the fact I couldn't talk to someone who was female not in any way sexual. I didn't really wanted to talk to her just anyone at that moment, her insecure bf got all over protective and stupid about it.

I called him a ***** and his **** to shove it up his *** and leave me alone. I'll never talk to her again. How they were fake and he was ok with me calling him out.

Like he admitted he was all that in a weird way, "Ok that's all I wanted to hear. Thank you."

I still am laughing how he thought a very skewed view that I go home wreck every relationship based off of one text message like seriously grow some balls and a brain to keep your woman. I don't want her dude. She's your problem not mine. I'm obviously not allowed to go near your toys. You douchey ****... hahaha what a loser.

I didn't need meds, I don't ever want them again. I saw my old pill pusher psychologists. He was the same ol, don't give a **** about your feelings you need drugs type of therapist.

He let me out, I was not suicidal as they made me to be, because I chose not to be. I made it very clear. I was originally about to hurt myself. I was very stressed and acted in public like I never would. My feelings were very hurt, because I don't open up to anyone especially females I don't know and don't trust. This happened from a bunch of things. I didn't tell them what's wrong I kept it to myself. I told the officer and he was super nice to me. I had lots of support. I am thankful for that, I went to the hospital from my therapists suggestion.

Going back to work being with that co worker who didn't help and started the initial trigger. I'll be cold to her, I'll act friendly. I'll just ignore her like she isn't there and ultimately shut her out completely. I'm proving that I have no feelings in which I don't, that my words have substance that I don't want to be her friend, she seems fake like everyone else. That she needs to back away from me. That I am here to do my job don't bother me, and I'm looking to work somewhere else. That's all.

Yismymindblank12,

While I can certainly relate to your anger and feelings of disgust - I too was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as a child and as an adult. I have spent well over a decade in therapy and under treatment by a psychiatrist including medications. It has taken a lot of trial and error to find what works, and it's not easy by any means, but as miserable as I was for decades, I can now say that while I still have some really bad days, I am so much better now and am in a relationship with someone who treats me with dignity and respect.

It's a long, hard road, and back in the day I tried many times to kill myself and felt like I was so stupid I couldn't even do that right either!

My biggest regret of all is that I wish I had started treatment when I was your age instead of waiting until I was 40 and my whole life fell down around my ears.

I wish you all the best in your recovery. Believe me, man, if I can get through it, so can you. As long as you keep trying, you'll get there.

WW

How do relationships randomly happen from that? I mean like I have no clue. I'm usually the very much overlooked and be around people who give me no chance. I don't even have to talk to them, it's like who cares at this point. I show them I don't care. It's made it worse, but it's made me happier though. Despite they not noticing that, it's more obnoxious.

Relationships don't happen randomly from anything. In my case it's because I learned what I should have learned growing up, which is how to BE in a healthy relationship.

A time will come, when you have healed some from your wounds, when people will give you a chance and you will care.

I tend to not put any thought on that. It's triggered me into a spiral unusual belief from fear that originated from my pain and isolation that I'm unfit regardless my healthy growth because I'm not the imperfect perfection what others want and neither I am normal enough to sustain a relationship. I'm so used to everyone leaving. I just say I don't have friends alot easier to explain more fake and very distant connections. Dating is and will be non existent. I fear intimacy from this distance I don't have any control over. Rather I dread liking anyone. I meant randomly by the loose advice people gave me over many years that furthered this belief. If I be myself someone will come along. I don't want them to I'm not ready emotionally and at the same time I fear them leaving and it be the same old **** day in day out.

I've dated people but I didn't pursue them nor anything feeling that I had any doing. It was my previous cowardice of women and friends hooking me up with people and freak accidents led me into the most damaging relationships I've had ever with females. I've became very frightened and I have developed within the past year till now. A weird sub reality that I'm not a human and weird stuff to rationalize my intense loneliness. I'm lonely everywhere. Its so chronic I can't escape it anymore. It's killed any hope of any connection when others and myself destroyed what any connection with anyone felt like without having to them the comfortable distance of stay away from me and talk to me from way over there space.
I have not been able to trust people period even people on here. To a certain point I don't understand what this horrible experience is. It feels like not just from perspective that people how they ignore me, start drama, or try to be my friend but don't intend to be one. Really conceived an unusual feeling everyone is a liar. You become paranoid of everyone is out to hurt you. That the fear and pain of all the recent distant traumas that are so frequent you lose any sight that the possibility of ever being not having constant chest pains from mini panic attacks. Hiding your emotions so you wont be used as blackmail by others for feeling something that being ridiculed and or receiving death threats for having feelings for the wrong person without them being honest they are in a relationship already and or trying to cause drama.

I've felt so overwhelmed of how I hate its inevitable it'll happen again and again that maybe ill kill myself on accident and didn't want to nor mean to it felt right at the moment because the loneliness from my whole life having no one to cling not for emotional support or codependent type of things. More like a grounding that I'm not losing my mind and something is real for once and I am not being lied to for once.

So it's very scary. I don't talk to girls outside of my professional life and online/with friends. Its very redundant hearing alot of them brag or bore me with their bf/gf stories good and bad day in and day out. Like ever say the women at my work don't know what else to talk about I guess. It's very insensitive how they say why don't you have a gf? And no one understands you I don't know if anyone knows what you are talking about ever.... Its comments like that everyday make me feel the way I do. I can't escape it. So I stop talking and keep conversations very small I ended up opening to a gurl who seemed very sweet and we hit it off except she was a lesbian and now I'm at work with an angry lesbian lover going to start **** while I'm at work when she's there.

This happens of messed up stuff every single time. Literally. I'm damned terrified. The next girl seems nice find out she's a serial killer and my family is dead. Or that she's a person who likes to lure men to have ger bf beat them up which almost happened twice last year. I'm terrified. I'm damn terrified these games make me panic. Like I have voices in my head of females out of this telling me all the time how trashy I am. They comment on everything I do in my head.

I truly have a deep rooted sadness pain and fear that females have done for kicks and laughs and or just to control. Please stop. I'm going crazy scared out of my mind. I can't believe I considered plastic surgery to become a woman to hide from this issue. Its scary very scary. Feeling everyone will hurt me. It's hard to believe people don't have ill intentions when it happens on a regular basis slowly by a number of growing individuals that enter or force their way into my life. I'll end up in a padded room forced to look at female photos screaming in fear and closing my eyes yelling to make it stop. Leave me alone. Don't hurt me anymore please no more.
That's exactly how it feels in my body.

In reading your words, I can feel your terror. I know the feeling well.

Another thing that popped out at me was co-workers asking you if you have a g/f. It's none of their business! Your personal life should never become a part of your professional life, though I know it's easier said than done. There's nothing rude or wrong about setting boundaries with people who ask personal questions they have no business asking in the first place.

Keep us posted on how you are doing. You are obviously a really good person who has had a lot of really bad shee-it happen to you.

Feel free to PM me anytime you want.

WW

I do, and they don't know when to leave me alone some days. They get so mean to me cause I'm a guy. Nothing else, it's just how they are. It's kinda weird. I've kept myself distant from everyone there. That one day I let it slip up once all came crashing down on myself.

Well, if they are being that determined, in my experience dealing with such people, I get my kicks annoying the he-ll out of them by repeating myself over and over again every time they say something. Like, if they ask if you have a g/f or start picking on you or whatever, say whatever you need to say to establish a boundary and then just keep repeating it to them each time they say something to you. Guaranteed to drive them ape-**** and it's a lot of fun, especially if they already question your sanity anyway. They'll go away and leave you alone.

One of my favorite sayings: You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.

WW