how to let go ...

Please help with any advice on how to let go of someone you never actually had..... My heart and mind wont let them go.... I have tried soooo hard to the point where was seeing a Psychiatrist.... and it physically got in the way of my daily living. I just care for them deeply for no reason..... I need to let go..... help please!

I'm uncertain about caring for someone deeply for no reason? Letting go can involve different processes depending on the circumstances. I think?

Well it´s not for no reason per se, just feelings that I have for someone I shouldn´t and they wont go away. I wish I didnt have them. They are hurting me. I dont know why I feel these emotions.

I think I understand. First, is there anything about them that bugs you. Remember that and if you were with them you would have to see it every day. (not to sound negative but it's a start anyways). Then realize it's not realistic (from the sounds of things if I understand?). Then find someone you can be with and do connect with. If no one now just think of that ideal person and just be happy they are out there somewhere. There's a bit more to it but let me know if you have more questions or if it doesn't/does work.

I wish I knew.... I am in a similar situation. Letting go can be incredibly difficult! I think the key is distraction. I was getting there, ready to move on, when I was keeping busy. But then depression kicked in and I'm back where I started. I don't even want to be with this person anymore, but I still miss them. Sorry I can't give any more advice.
What did your psychiatrist say?

Thank you for the insight. I do not see this person daily. They used to be in my life as a friend but have since moved countries. I only hear from this person time to time.... and it kills me Everytime i do. I wish I could just let him go.... but I dont know how. I know that our situation is unrealistic... and nothing would never come out as I have a significant other... that I do love too. Just stupid feelings that wont go away.... thats all

I am in a very similar bind, Lostdeepinspace! I am in a relationship and love my boyfriend, however from time to time I find my mind wandering and thinking about "what could have been?" about this guy I almost dated (but never did) 5 years ago. We are still in communication almost weekly and every time we talk I feel a little tinge of something that is weird and not sure how to describe it. I have classifed him as a "special" friend as I can't quite put it into words. I have thought many times about completely ending conversations with him (since we live across the country anyways) and I have at times in the past few years but after a while I get curious about what's new in his life and message him back. I have thought many times about whether this could be considered an unfaithful action towards my boyfriend but I made up my mind that it's not - I am not at all considering breaking up with my boyfriend, I am just simply interested in what's going on in his life. Do you kinda feel the same way or are your feelings toward that guy more romantic - as in would you consider breaking up with your boyfriend for him if you had the chance? Is there something particular that is going on in your relationship that may be causing you to think about that guy in the past?

He is my "special friend" aswell. He has moved to a different country and it is not plausible for us to be together. He also knows I am in a relationship. I love my partner and do not want to leave him. I just cant shake these feelings off more than 5 years.... pretty much the same as you. We talk on and off. He is alone and he can not commit to anyone right now cause of his circumstances, but I often wonder how he can handle being so alone. I just dont know why it is this way. I do not want to leave my partner.... but why am i going through this?

Lostdeepinspace, I don't know why we're feeling like this... it is what it is I guess. In my situation the guy is also alone - well recently he's gotten a girlfriend but as with other girls in the past I know it's just mostly about the sex rather than a more profound relationship. I wish I could say it doesn't bug me that he sleeps with lots of women, but it kinda does. When he tells me he is no longer seeing a girl I feel like I have more control over him and I like it... When he's with a girl I feel like there is more of a distance between us. I don't know why I feel this way. I don't "love" him but I enjoy knowing he still has feelings for me.... I've been having self-esteem issues for all of my life pretty much and I guess I like the attention as it somewhat helps to make me feel better about myself. Though I do have a loving boyfriend and every time I have thoughts like that I remind myself that it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks of me except for my boyfriend.

As long as you keep talking "on and off" with this guy, you are not serious about letting go. And this guy is taking you for an emotional ride. He can commit to anyone at anytime. Anyone can. You wonder how he handles being alone. Maybe he's not as alone as you think he is.

I've been where you're at. This guy can seem so very special because you don't actually depend on him for anything. In fantasy land, anyone can be Mr. Wonderful. A lot of the things you love about him are qualities you've given him in your imagination. He's not all that, as other women who've been in his life could tell you.

Ah yes I understand a bit better now. Sorry took so long to repost hard to keep track sometimes. Sometimes it isn't so easy in these cases. Rose does bring up a good point it is hard to move on without breaking contact. That's a good first step. Other than that the images you may have in your head are probably ideal situations. What Rose is getting at there later and what I'm agreeing with is that you may be making a relationship out of nothing. Which is a really weird concept but see if this makes sense.

Have you thought of bad times with him? Have you thought about when he gets sick and you need to clean up his vomit? I know these are extreme and gross but that's what happens in a loving relationship All that being said love hurts sometimes. You sound like you have an attraction there realistic or not. The most effective way to approach this is to cut comm. If it's meant to be he will come back (there must be a reason he left).

Kind of a side thing here - What about the guy you're with? Are you not connecting? If there's trouble there anything else will look appealing esp a thought driven new relationship.

Sometimes when you are in a relationship but think of other people (often obsessively) it is because something is off on your relationship and needs to be addressed.

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i agree with rose66!

i completely understand what you mean and I think I know at least in my experience, what happens. I'm an emotionally-driven person so when it comes to being infatuated with a woman, if she particularly piques my interest and desire, It can last quite a long time without her even doing anything.

There is still someone that sticks in my heart and mind to this day and she was someone I've never dated or been with or even know beyond just having worked with her for a time. Yes there was some interaction but I really don't know her. but I did become infatuated with her very much and still sometimes have feelings about her wishing I could be with her.

it's not logical and there is no reason for these thoughts and feelings to linger but there they are. I think what happens to people or at least in my case is, I tend to be very romantic and in a fantasy way. I fantasize so vividly about what could be that it overtakes reality and this is what becomes the obsession. Likely not even close to what the reality is of what would be. One can ideallize a person to the extreme that they become a perfect mate in our imagination and this becomes extremely difficult to let go of. After all it's our ideal in love and relationships and an intangible, imaginary one so very hard to remove from our heads.

I don't really have a solution as I said this lady remains in my heart too and it's been probably 3 yrs since I worked with her. i dont' even know if she's still at the place I worked. I think part of the change would be making myself realize just how little i know of her and how I really don't know at all how it would be to be with her. but lacking any negatives about her specifically it becomes a tough thing to do.

good luck with this. I empathize with you as someone that does the same things.

If my friend could find "someone" to be with I would be happy and honestly think my feelings would go away... maybe I feel sorry for him.... who knows....

I know its hard to understand.... and I can explain it all here. I know he is alone... his life mission is to be alone until he finishes what he needs to do. I just want to see him happy..... and right now.. he´s not there yet.

I dont really want to be in a relationship with him (I have known him for a long time and yes know all his quarks, annoyances and good things about him)..... I have a loving partner..... but I just cant stop thinking of my friend on a daily basis... and wonder how he is doing.. if he is happy...... is he ok? I just really really care for him...

I often think of this too..... and I must admit.... Sometimes I just think its someone to talk to. My friend and I talk often... but my partner and I have different work schedules... i work days and he works nights. We when are together it is great... but we are more apart than not. I sometimes think that is whats going on..... my friend is filling the void of closure and comfort.... and that doesnt mean its flirting or anything... he just makes me feel good when we converse.

This makes a lot of sense to me... Don't put yourself down for it. As long as your feelings for your friend are just that you really care for him and you don't flirt with him or anything like that, I don't think you are doing anything detrimental to your relationship with your boyfriend. It's quite admirable that you wish all the best for your friend and are there for him.

I understand how it is nice to have friends' company when we feel lonely. I can imagine how difficult it is for you and your boyfriend with different day/night work schedules. But you said your relationship is going well and that's what counts!