[rr13]

So long story short, a girl friend has been dating this guy for 3 years. My friend has two cats and has known from the beginning that her boyfriend is highly allergic to cats, so she's spent 3 years driving back and forth from his house to hers so she can feed her cats. She's told him over the years that she won't move in with him without her cats. She even broke up with him for a short time after he asked her to move in, but said she can't bring the cats. They got back together, but suddenly now he's ready for her to move in and get engaged (he was divorced twice so he was very gun shy to get married again). The two of them also bought very expensive furniture last year. So she tells me now that she's going to move in with him but needs to find a place for her cats. So I emailed her saying I was surprised after 3 years of saying she's not giving up her cats that she's suddenly ok with it. She got very mad at me, saying I was being judgmental, and that she's not going to just throw her cats out on the street or give them to the spca. I told her I didn't say she was, but I was just surprised at the sudden change of heart. She used the excuse of his allergy and the furniture, but she's known about the allergy for 3 years and the furniture since last year. One of her cats is also 13! Who's going to adopt an elderly cat? Well, she hasn't emailed me back in two days. I'm sure she's waiting for me to apologize, but I don't feel I said anything wrong. Our pattern has typically been that she'll tell me in a very harsh way if I've said something to upset her, then I'd cave and apologize because I was afraid of losing a friend, so I'm sure it pissed her off that I didn't apologize right away.

I'm realizing now that it won't be a huge loss if she doesn't want to be friends anymore anyway. She's always been the type to judge me and not use a filter when she tells me exactly how she feels about something I'm doing, yet the minute I question her, she jumps down my throat.

I have to say I'm also concerned as to why this guy suddenly wants to get engaged right away. He told her he doesn't want a long engagement. Sounds to me like he wants to hurry up and get married before he gets scared and changes his mind. They've both been in couples counseling all year.

[Jan1212]

I'm guessing they came up with a mutual solution for their relationship, like giving up the pets. I mean their life is really up to the two of them unless she asked, you gave her your thoughts but if se won't be nice about it, don't take it to heart.

[rr13]

I don't know what they all talked about, but she's been very desperate to get married and he's been dragging his feet about making a commitment. So I'm guessing he finally decided he wanted to get married, but since he refuses to have the cats in his house, she probably just said ok so she could get married. I doubt it was a mutual decision since he's been very clear all along he won't have cats in his house. He has two dogs that he's keeping. Whatever she wants to do is her choice, but for 3 years I've had to listen to her complain about how he won't let her move in with the cats and how she loves her cats and isn't about to give them up, and then suddenly overnight she changes her mind? Especially since the allergy and furniture isn't something she just now found out about.

But yea, there's no need to yell at me in an email and tell me I'm being judgmental just because she did a 180 and changed her mind overnight.

[~Christina]

Often people make what we think are rash decisions, but its possible that she has been weighing the issue more than your aware of. She should not have gotten ugly about it. Personally I would let her reach out first.

[marmaduke]

Shes angry because she feels guilty about giving up her cats, shes upset with herself and taken it out on you. She knows you are right, she has done a 180% turn.

Its her choice in the end, but the fact they are in couples counseling already don't sound good!

[somethingasdf]

Even though it appears to be common knowledge that he didn't want a long term commitment, 3 years is (in my opinion) already one.

If she's been driving back and forth those three years between him and her cats, she's probably grown more attached to him and less attached to her cats, thus allowing her to justify doing the hard decision it sounds like she had made regarding them.'

I guess I wouldn't be surprised if she's overly sensitive about the topic since it's been something she's been dealing with for as long as she has -- and since the future is unknown, she's probably doubting herself.

[llleeelllaaannneee]

Sounds like this is more about your relationship with her than her choice. I say that because you talk about how she can speak her mind but you aren't given the same space in the relationship.

I agree with what people have said about it being too hard to know what the process has been between them. My sister always complains about her husband but I finally realized she complains most to me. There are other aspects of their relationship but I'm her go-to for every little gripe she has about him, ugh. From what I hear from her it sounds like she hates her husband but I see I'm the recipient of only this one side.

I also think she's upset by her decision and taking it out on you.

Maybe this is a good time to evaluate what you want and need in friendships and see if this one can work with your model of healthy. Regardless, I hope any ill feelings or hurt is processed and passes in a way you feel better about things soon!

[Trippin2.0]

Looks like she's had 3 years and therapy to help her decide what to do with the cats.


I agree that she probably does feel terrible for choosing to give them up and subsequently took it out on you because you're the one who brought it up.


As much as I really love my cat, I doubt I would choose him over a lifetime with my bf.


Who knows, maybe they came to a point where "I'll only give up my cats if a lifetime commitment is on the table" in their relationship, and that is what you're witnessing now.


Doesn't mean it was an overnight thing, they've had three years and therapy to hash this out.

[rr13]

I agree, I'm sure it wasn't an overnight decision, but since I only heard her side of it for 3 years, that's all I have to go on. She could have explained it in a much nicer way than getting mad. If the tables were turned and it was me and my cats, she would have said the same thing. Yes, I'm sure she feels very guilty, especially since she knows the decision was based only on something material like the furniture, not because of his allergy. She knew about that from the beginning, so she can't use that as an excuse.

I'm not going to email her until she contacts me, if she even does. If she doesn't, I guess our friendship isn't that important to her.

I do think she's more upset because I've always been quick to apologize and now I'm standing my ground and not saying I'm sorry just to be the peacemaker. I've always felt like she treats me like she's the parent and I'm the child. She's always been quick to tell me how she feels about my behavior, and has never apologized when I've said she was out of line.

[divine1966]

Honestly I strongly advice not to give other people's opinions about their relationship unless they ask. Whatever is happening between the two people we can't really know. People change their minds and in fact she could change her mind again. I would not even advice my own daughter ( unless she told me she was being abused) let alone a friend.

I know you didn't really advice but by expressing your opinion it maybe did sound like a bit of a judgement to her. Unless she asked what you think.

She probably already struggle with her decision. I know it is a hard choice but if the person is right for you you have to decide. You can't be married to a cat no matter how much you love it. It isn't like she choose a man over cats and she only net him s month ago. After that many years she maybe thinks he is worth it.

I don't know about furniture. I wouldn't assume that's why people get together. relationships are very tricky



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[rr13]

Yes, she obviously did take it that way since she yelled at me and hasn't written back even after I told her I wasn't judging her. She's great at dishing out the advice in the meanest ways when I've never asked for it. I'm realizing now maybe I should have been mean and nasty right back all those times when she acted superior to me.

She's just another one of those "friends" I'm now realizing was never good for me. That's probably why I'm not upset about it. Just surprised at how she's acting now that the shoe is on the other foot.

No, the furniture isn't why they're together, it's the final excuse she used for not keeping the cats even though they had bought that furniture months ago.

I honestly don't even care what she does with her cats. This is more about her treating me like I can't ask a question after putting up with her nasty judgments about me for years.

[divine1966]

I'd say if you both give each other unsolicited advice and then get mad at each other ( more she than you as she even yells) I think this isn't kind of supportive type of friendship between grown people.

Yelling at a friend is not the kind of friendships one needs. What's this, high school?

I'd move on. Life is too short.

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[Bill3]

Honestly I strongly advise not to give other people opinions about their relationship unless they ask. Whatever is happening between the two people we can't really know. People change their minds and in fact she could change her mind again.

This.

.

[rr13]

Bill3, if you saw my last post you'll see this has nothing to do with whether or not I gave her advice or not. It has to do with her being judgmental, self absorbed and manipulative. She's given me advice I never asked for and has been very nasty and judgmental to me for years and never once said she was sorry. I didn't even give advice or an opinion in this situation. I was just having the normal reaction any of her other friends would have had and I got yelled at. This is about someone who thinks she's entitled to tell me how to live my life, yet can't accept one remark from me.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by rr13

Bill3, if you saw my last post you'll see this has nothing to do with whether or not I gave her advice or not. It has to do with her being judgmental, self absorbed and manipulative. She's given me advice I never asked for and has been very nasty and judgmental to me for years and never once said she was sorry. I didn't even give advice or an opinion in this situation. I was just having the normal reaction any of her other friends would have had and I got yelled at. This is about someone who thinks she's entitled to tell me how to live my life, yet can't accept one remark from me.

Well to all honesty you started this thread by saying you made avcomment about her relationship and she got upset.

Only after it was pointed that you perhaps should not comment about other people's relationships, it turns out the entire thread is about something thing else. About how she is nasty and judgemental. It wasn't how the thread started. We have no ways of knowing how she is.

First of all it is hard to comprehend why and how you are referring to someone who had been "nasty and judgmental" to you for years as a friend. It seems strange. Why have such friends? It is shocking to me.

Second of all you might want to become more selective. I am almost 50 and lived on two different continents. Went to two universities. Worked many jobs. Work two jobs now. Met and keep meeting a lot of people and I barely can think of a very few truly nasty people. Certainly none would ever ever be my friends! How do you find and stay with them? How long does it take to know that they are nasty? Not years!

What's your definition of friendship?



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[rr13]

The more I think about the situation, the more I realize all I did was have a normal reaction that any of her friends would have had given the situation that we all knew about for the last 3 years.

Also, you obviously were never a victim of emotional or verbal abuse like I was. I've been abused by both men and women most of my life, and it screws up your head and makes you think this is what you deserve. It destroys your self confidence and keeps you in abusive relationships. Please stop judging me on why I've been in bad relationships. Last I checked, this was a therapy board, which means most people on this board have low self esteem or came from abusive homes or don't feel good about themselves. If this board was for only well adjusted people who felt great about themselves and had no problems at all, it wouldn't be a therapy board.

It's taken me 48 years to finally realize how I should be treated. Don't judge people on this board based on your own life and where you are please. It's very hurtful.

[divine1966]

I am really trying to be supportive with giving you suggestions how to handle it. I can't just post bs by telling you it is all good and great when clearly is not. I am telling you not to stick around nasty people or at least don't call them friends. Most certainly not what you deserve! No one deserves abuse!

Oh if we were all well adjusted we wouldn't be in therapy and would be on this board. Most of us are either seeing a therapist or/and seeing a psychiatrist etc and post here in hopes to find answers. Bottom line is we seek help

. I personally was most certainly abused, so were few others who posted on this thread. I know from what they shared.

If you find that every person you have met abused you, made fun of you or was disinterested or down right nasty and mean yet you refer to them as friends and stay with them for years, a professional might help to define what friendships mean and help to find why are you having such experiences, how do these people come to your life etc professional would definitely work on your self esteem issues too.

Have you looked into sliding scale therapists?please do

In a meanwhile try to find new friends. I told you earlier to try meetup. I belong to two groups of women now we do things all the time,sure they might not become by best friends but none is nasty mean or disinterested in my company. None of them makes fun of others or ever discusses the other on their absence. Put in search " single women" and put age category and groups will show up, join them and start attending events and build new friendship circles

We don't live in the same state or I would literally take you to meet them

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[rr13]

I guess it's just taken me until now, with my recent situations to finally realize how I've been treated and that it was wrong. I guess a lightbulb just went off with me in the last couple weeks and I know I don't want to put up with being treated that way anymore. I'm sure had I been able to afford therapy years ago, it may not have taken me so long. I think part of me was just afraid to leave them because I didn't want to lose all my friends, but I know now that these people were never my friends.

I'm about to make financial arrangements with Consumer Credit Counseling to consolidate my credit cards. Once that's done, I'll see how much money I have left. Unfortunately right now I literally don't have much money at all. If a sliding scale is $40 per session, that's how much my co-pay is, and if they'd want to see me more than once a week, I won't have the money.

I am looking into meetups. Trying to find ones that don't cost money right now. I like hiking, but right now it's too hot for me, so in the fall I'll go on those. I'm interested in photography, so I'll look into those groups. I see a lot of groups where they go to dinner or movies, but I don't have the money for that right now.

I do appreciate your honesty. I think the sore spot with me right now is that all these people I thought were friends also got on me because I wasn't acting the way they wanted at the time they wanted. We're all on our own journey and on our own timeline.

[divine1966]

Good luck. I am very financially broke as well. Trust me I know that part all too well.

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[rr13]

It's been 4 days and that girl hasn't emailed me, and she normally emails at least once a day so she's obviously mad at me. I just think it's so hypocritical of her to feel it's ok to criticize how I live my life and not sugar coat any of her opinions, but I say one thing and she cuts me off. I'm sure had I stood up for myself long ago, we wouldn't have even stayed friends this long. Oh well. No loss.

[divine1966]

Maybe you can contact her first or maybe not. It sounds that you two were very close. Daily communication and more than once suggests more than casual acquaintance.

The only people i communicate daily is mom ( since she has cancer normally wouldn't be daily), my daughter ( usually text each other with daily updates ) And a man I am with at the time.

At this point I do not have close enough girlfriend to exchange daily emails or texts. Well unless we work together ( which I do with two of my friends). If i had a gf who emailed me daily I would hate losing her. Maybe it is worth it to tell her how her treatments makes you feel apologize to her and ask her apology and try to repair what you have



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[rr13]

Yea, I haven't decided yet if I even want to stay friends with her. I think the only reason we emailed almost daily was because I didn't have anyone else to talk to and I was lonely, but I it hasn't always been a healthy friendship. She's been there for me thru bad times, but she's also disregarded my feelings at other times. I'm sure she thinks she's being a good friend by telling me the truth, but it's the truth as she sees it, not as it really is. Like how she said I was being over the top by taking dramamine at a 3D movie, as if reading one article made her an ENT and and expert on vertigo. I even sent her articles to show it was very common, but she ignored them because she thinks she's always right. And the fact that she has gotten mad enough at me because of one comment she took the wrong way to not contact me for 4 days shows she's not very mature. She obviously feels our friendship is a one-way road, meaning she's the only one allowed to comment on my life and say harsh things to me, but I'm not allowed to speak my mind. Knowing how she is, if I emailed her now, she'd just say she's been waiting for me to apologize. I feel like she's the same as my parents, that I could say how she's treated me has hurt my feelings and she wouldn't care. I think, without knowing it, I've ended up with friends who treated me just like my parents do because it's all I've ever known. People who disregard my feelings and always act like their feelings are always more important than mine.

I was supposed to cat sit for her next weekend, so it'll be interesting to see if she contacts me, if she still has her cats.

[divine1966]

I hear you. I do attract same people as my parents. Especially men ( but on occasion women too) They are much with it on the surface , very successful and they are there for others in terms of if I am sick they will come to the rescue but they are not there emotionally speaking, they aren't emotionally available. Yes my t says we attract people who make us feel very familiar because that's all we know. The only way out of it to be very aware. And pay attention

Right now I have this acquaintance, not really a friend, we see each other infrequently. Maybe every few months. She contacted me "lets get together", in the past few weeks she cancelled 3 times. Always last minute. I do work two jobs so I am extremely busy but don't have kids at home as mine is grown and married, don't have man at home. And my mom is doing better ( in chemo now) so I don't need to run there every minute. So I am kind of flexible. She is married and has 3 kids and 3 step kids.

Most certainly i am more than willing to accommodate her. She is the one who contacts me first and selects days and times and then she is the one who always cancels last minute!!!!

She is not the close friend do it doesn't bother me but the heck what's up with this?

By the way both my dad and my sister in law have vertigo. Not a laughing matter. My sister in law was in the hospital for it last Christmas because she couldn't even sit down let alone walk

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[rr13]

It doesn't sound like your acquaintance respects your time. I can most certainly understand that she's busy with all those kids, and I can even understand the occasional last minute cancellation (emergencies do come up), but not every single time. That's just ridiculous. I bet if you ever cancelled on her at the last minute, she'd be upset.

I had labrynthitis for 2 weeks back in 2001. A couple ENT's think it did permanent damage to the nerves in my ears because ever since then my balance has been off. I can't even walk up and down stairs without needing to hold onto a railing, and I'll occasionally wake up feeling dizzy, then it goes away after a day. I don't know what article she read on vertigo, but she told me it was rare for people to get dizzy at 3D movies. I was like really?? Because I've read many articles that say it's very common. I think because dramamine is associated with motion sickness, she figured you're not moving in a theater, but that's how you get dizzy. The 3D motion is moving, but you're not, so it messes your brain up.

I feel like this group of friends only has sympathy for illnesses they know about, like cancer or the flu. If you have anything out of the ordinary they've never heard of, they think you're either making it up or they don't care. I have hypothyroidism, which is very common, but because it's not cancer, they don't want to hear about it. I've had to push myself so many times to stay up late or go out when I didn't feel well and act like nothing was wrong just so I could have friends. But now I know that true friends would never make you do that to yourself. My own parents called me a hypochondriac for years even though everything that's wrong with me is genetic. So it doesn't surprise me that I found friends who were just as cold hearted and unsympathetic.

[divine1966]

Well she is ok if I cancel which I had to do once. Not a big deal but all the time? I can't stand unreliable people.

I hear you about health

I hate 3d. Makes me dizzy and i don't officially have vertigo. I get dizzy easily though. Last weekend I was sitting on the swings with the guy I am dating and we were lightly swinging back and forth. He then shifted his leg ( he is a big guy and I am small), it made swing to make a bit of a twist. Omg I thought i was going to throw up, I felt so sick it took me few minutes to compose myself. He had hard time comprehending what he even did that caused such dizziness and nausea for me. Lol

I get totally out of control in the mountains. I love mountains visually speaking but dang it i can't handle it!!! I once thought I was literally going to die in the mountains in California, highway 5. Never again. Anderson grate. Never forget it. And I wasn't even one driving. Boy I sweat profusely even thinking about it

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