Am I Being Manipulated?

I'm wondering if I'm being manipulated. You ever have those "gut" feelings where you know something just isn't quite right, yet you can't really accurately describe what's going on?

To make a long story very short, my stepson, who's had issues his whole life. Nothing physical or violent, but a lot of anger and disturbing talk etc. Finally a therapist, with a substantial amount of experience with troubled kids etc., got involved when he was 17. She saw him at least once a week for a few months. She concluded, by her own experience with him, that he was worrisome. None of which my husband really accepted about his son. That was about three years ago.

Fast forward to today, when he is 20 years old. He has made several failed attempts to get his life started. The military dismissed him just two weeks into boot camp for mental issues. At least that's all my step son shared with us. He is making is third attempt at college. He has done well this summer session at school. He is visiting us for the few days in between summer semesters at the moment. At one point he wasn't allowed to come back into the home because of his history with me and the other kids. However, lately I saw that he was making an effort to be more respectful of the family etc. so I agreed with my husband that he could come stay during breaks at school.

The first night back, at dinner, he said something very disturbing to me and the family out at dinner. We were asking Suri on the iPhone silly questions to see what she would respond. My stepson asks sure, "where can I hide a body". I was flabbergasted but I didn't say anything to him at the time except that I was not going to ask that. My husband/his dad, was sitting right there and heard the whole story. When dinner was over and we got home, I talked to my husband about the disturbing comment. I told him that I didn't want to be left alone at home with his son. I explained that i just don't feel right etc. My husband argued a bit with me and was defensive (the same way he was back when he was 17). He tried to say that his son has been a lot better lately etc. I agree to a certain point. Yes, my stepson has learned to be much more respectful in front of us, however, now he gets into creepier more angry discussions. He has gotten to the point that he feels it's his duty to correct anybody, (please excuse my language but these are words he chooses) redneck/christian/republicans (these are the groups he is so obsessed with confronting and correcting). He can't just ignore when people say something he doesn't agree with. etc. etc.

Anyhow, the bottom line is that I don't feel comfortable in the house alone with him. My husband (very passively) makes me feel bad or if it's my fault for feeling this way. I think he is trying to punish me or something because he hasn't said much at all to me today and is really just cold and pouty. Also, last night, he didn't admit the strangeness of his son, instead he said that he will keep his son away from here and just hang out with him away from home because "if that's the way I feel about him, then he (the son) will feel it and it won't help him etc.

I feel bad and I don't want to feel bad. I am sticking by my position on this and i'm not going to let his passive ways make me fold.

Does this behavior sound familiar to anybody? I just can't understand why I have to feel this guilty or bad for something/a need that I find so basic.

Dear Barx, when someone tries to make me feel guilty I agree that is a form of manipulation. Sounds like our step son still needs some type of therapy! Right or wrong, you feel the way you do and it seems to me for good reason. I wish I had a good answer for you. But don't let anyone make you feel bad for being uncomfortable in your own home!!!

Are you also in therapy?

Doesn't sound like manipulation. Sounds like an opinionated young man with dark humor. I was kicked out of my father's house for an offhanded comment and my stepmother was literally telling everyone and anyone that I was going to harm her unborn child. For what it's worth, I'm having a hard time answering this thread and saying who's right or wrong.

your husband seems to be manipulating you into accepting his son. it is not right for him to do what hes doing, he is mentally abusing you. i know myself sometimes my husband does similiar things, my son says my husband is passive aggressive towards him too. i do love my husband and he is rarely this way, i've just learned how to deal with it and he isn't as bad lately. i do know how you feel is what i'm trying to say, so be careful too, his son is someone i would fear too. good luck

I'm sorry to hear about your circumstances at home.

To answer your question, as a family, we all were in therapy at this point. Sometimes it was just the step-son and then it was the three of us. It didn't take long for the, actually three therapists/Dr.'s, to see how troubled my step son was. He even threatened to punch the therapist in the mouth if she said something he didn't like etc. Yea... I know. Crazy huh? Thank gosh that I wasn't the only one in the room that day and the therapist heard him say it herself. Otherwise, my husband would have never believed me. We went to intense therapy for many months, several times a month at the end. I was desperate to get him help so that he could find a way to stay in the home, but to no avail. He was terribly disruptive to even his siblings. School teachers, bus drivers etc. could hardly deal with him. He thrived off of the disruption and I just wasn't going to give him the platform anymore.

It wasn't just an "off-handed" dark comment. It is the totality of his issues that bother me.

Thanks.

I understand my husband's pain, knowing that his own son is basically banned from his own home, but he is 20. I told my husband that I am more than willing to financially support him and love him from a distance, but I do not want him under my roof anymore. I also made sure that my husband knew that he could go visit his son anytime and take vacations with him. I don't want to stifle his relationship with his son, but I don't want him consistently in my home. I know that sounds incredibly terrible, because I would feel completely heart broken if someone felt that way about my kid. But, my husband knows how is son is and knows the long terrible history with him. So, having that knowledge, why make me feel bad? Why basically give me the silent treatment? Mope around and be distant from me? Without saying anything, I think I feel totally manipulated. If not manipulated, then something, but my husband's demeanor to me doesn't feel right. This is something we talked in depth about in therapy about my step-son. The three different therapist felt that my husband was living in denial about his son. By now, I would think my husband would be more considerate of me.

In any case, I'm not going to cave and let my emotions run with guilt. I'm going to try to stay strong and insist on being considered.

I'm curious what you or your husband said when the young man made that comment about hiding a body? If you can afford it, I think it would be a good idea for you and your husband to seek out a therapist for your own relationship and how the two of you are to cope together with this worrisome young man. You don't say how old your other children are, but you will want to make sure they are safe if they interact with him--preferably only in your or your husband's presence. My parents ignored my sibling's strange behavior and their tacit approval only made things worse.

i must respond to the portion you wrote above. don't want to go into lengthy detail but i am in the identical situation with a 44-yr. old step-son living in another state who decided in less than 1 yr. of marriage to a bridezilla that step-son needed to tell his dad that bridezilla didn't think he had been a good father. my husband came home from that visit totally crushed. nearly 2 yrs. have passed and i have taken and held onto the position (including therapy over this issue) that i will encourage any relationship he wants with his son but i will not participate in any way with step-son and wife. husband takes whatever crumbs he can get from son (after there was much discussion shortly after that statement and there now being a baby in their lives) but i will not allow my husband to guilt me or punish me because of the position if have taken. my husband is likewise in denial and chooses not to see my reality and it has made marriage rough at times as we have a really great marriage of almost 30 yrs. long story short, hubby just had heart surgery and i suggested adult son come visit w/o baby and bridezilla and he is supposed to come in 2 weeks for a weekend. i am ready for lots of dialogue w/step-son (out of presence of hubby) but yes, i am handed the blame constantly. i wish you only the best in terms of trying to resolve your issues.

Stepson is 44 years old and you're getting guilted? That doesn't give me much hope that things will get better. At which point, given the stepson is 44 years old, does being a "good" dad stop and being a supportive husband begin? I imagine that if you ask any child, regardless of age, if their parent has or hasn't done enough for them in their life, I would guess most would find fault and insist on being the center of attention even at 44.

I would hear him out to see what he has to say and try to understand it the best I could. It may or may not have merit. Either way, discuss it and put it to rest then move on. Hopefully your stepson could move on too. If not, at this point, what good comes from your husband guilting you?

i am a very strong, articulate woman and we've had lots of counseling so i set boundaries w/hubby when he `attempts' to guilt me in changing my position..i think hubby feels sad and frustrated at my emotional strength and in his denial of the situation i honestly believe he believes that if i were to `forgive and forget' what step-son said, we'd be 1 happy family and hubby feels angry that he can't invite them as a family here to visit and he has to go into `their territory' to visit and i know he draws a lot from my strength. i do not hold grudges…i never think of step-son because of the terrible damage he has done to his dad by letting a new wife say what she said and step-son having the need to crush his dad. hubby is a wonderful, caring, loving soul and we have a very healthy strong marriage, but for this 1 situation and i was merely trying to point out to the originator of the 1st post that many 2nd marriages have step-child issues even when they are adults. i have no expectation that this will ever resolve, even with adult step-son visiting his dad who just had the heart surgery, but it should give my hubby a better understanding (i hope) that i at least extended the olive branch after almost 2 years. we step-moms have been given a bad wrap for a long time yet it's the failure of the dads/husbands to man=up and give the loyalty and support to their wives and accept that things are the way they are, rather than what they want/hope them to be. this is an ongoing push/pull with us because in actuality the adult step kids are living their lives, raising kids, and it's their spouse that needs the love and backing, not the lashing/punishing/guilting. it's just so darn complicated…..

Okay....I'm gonna play the devil's advocate here...

But people search stupid "dark" stuff all the time. I Google "How to kill your brother" but it's just for humor and I really love my brother.

He is still young and you're the mature one in this relationship. I think you do understand that it's difficult for your husband....but it's also very difficult for your stepson....that he has no place to call home.

Young people are verbally violent by nature....are opnionated...feel like they need to fix someone....say things just to hurt you (because deep down they are hurt). But you do see that he's making some improvements.

Just support him to go to therapy and help your husband help him to be independent.

Generally people turn killers hurt animals first. Has he ever tortured an animal?? What are the other reasons you feel he can hurt you?

I think you should go to therapy yourself and discuss this with your therapist. We all don't know about psychology to give any useful answers.

Maybe your gut feeling is right........that way you can ensure that he gets help.
Maybe your gut feeling is wrong.....that way you can avoid hurting someone emotionally. Accusing someone of something when they are no way close to it can leave damage of a lifetime....and he still is very young and has mental health issues.

All the best.

I understand your position and I have struggled with those very questions. It's not easy and isn't easy.

My stepson is 20 and he has been in therapy with 2- Psychiatrists and 1- Psychologist over a period of time and whom have shared notes about him. It was a consensus that they believed there was deeper issues with him. In fact, he threatened to punch one of them in the mouth if hey said something he didn't like. Did I mention that what landed him in therapy to begin with was because he was hooked on watching CHILD porn? Violent Child porn? He followed me around my home and refused to leave me alone until I agreed with him on his issues of choice. He refused to observe boundaries in my home, meaning he would walk in my room and search through my personal belongings anytime he pleased, just because he can. These are only a few of the things he would do.

As far as therapy, I was in therapy at the same time my stepson was in therapy. Sometimes together and sometimes apart. The Dr's and therapist wanted to interview me and my husband. We continued it for several months, at least once a week and sometimes more. My stepson stopped going after about 2 months. He couldn't or didn't want to believe what the Dr's/therapist were telling him. They felt that he was disturbed and needed more help than they could provide.

He will not be living back in my home.