[Webgoji]

First things first. Back when I was on Venlafaxine, it caused anorgasmia. I couldn't have an orgasm for a long time while the doctors played with my medications. After finally getting off of Venlafaxine, I'm able to have an orgasm again. However, I know have an almost crippling case of performance anxiety because I'm so worried about it, I can't orgasm with my wife ... only through manual stimulation. And this is a 4-fold issue; the medications I take don't help the situation when it comes to sexual issues, I'm 42 years old, I have developed performance anxiety and over the years have focused so much on her that I can't even focus on my own orgasm when we're together.

Well, about 8 months ago, Mrs. Webgoji's libido all but disappeared. I talked her into going to the doctor, talked her into talking to the psychiatrist about her medication, talked to her about going ... talked, talked, talked and met plenty of resistance. She was feeling pressured so a month ago I backed off completely. No more romantic gestures, no more random requests to dance to music on the TV, no more anything that would indicate that I want to have sex.

And now I'm a wreck. I don't agree that sex is the bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, but I'm not a psychologist so I can't refute what he stated. If that's true, then I'm not even fulfilling the simplest first rung of needs. He puts intimacy at the 3rd level and that is, from my perspective, completely dead.

Here's why this is in the relationships section. Sex isn't about sex to me, it's about emotional intimacy. Mrs. Webgoji is not good at emotional intimacy. She doesn't give compliments and isn't "touchy feely", she's a sit on the other end of the couch content type person. So basically I'm not getting any of my emotional needs met.

My love languages are physical contact and verbal affirmations. Mrs. Webgoji doesn't flirt with me so any physical contact is limited to holding hands and verbal affirmations are limited to "Good chicken wings!". We've gone over these languages ad nauseum, but I'm left trying to get my emotional needs filled by myself. (Which is weird because companionship and intimacy require another person.)

There's no grass on the other side of the fence, but I'm completely out of ideas. Nothing works. After 15 years I've run out of ideas on how to get my needs met. (I used to be able to get a good dose of affirmation through sex because she was young and in the mood, but that's gone now.) To top things off, she's now projecting it on herself that her vagina just isn't tight enough any more. Adding one more guilt trip onto my issues.

When you're stuck between "leave and be miserable" or "be together and only be mostly miserable" what do you do?

[healingme4me]

Knew someone that went three years like that. ..torn by feeling frozen in a mental anguish because of having moral uprightness on top of it all.
No easy solutions. Sorry that this is your struggle.

[brainhi]

Relationships change.... but is it reasonable that you do not receive any passion/intimacy from your partner from here on in? You are 42 yrs old. You probably will live to be at least 80..that's a long time.

That fact that she does not want to work on this is somewhat concerning. People do go through times when they are not "feelin it".. and should not be pressured..

Everyone's level of passion is different and should be respected.. but but but. My x and I did not stayed married for many reasons. I'm not going to go into any blame game..but the hardest thing for me is that I am a very passionate person and he lost the loving feelin I know I needed to work on issues on my end...but I was willing!

Anyway, that's my take on things.

Good luck.. I hope you two can find your way back to the intimacy.

[hannabee]

I don't know...maybe some humor could help???

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.

Having a mental illness is horrible. And meds can help, but that help frequently comes at a cost. A pretty high cost, too.

Sadly it's impossible to make someone want...

[Crazy Hitch]

Thank you for sharing Webgoji

I'm sorry that you have been struggling with this for so long. There's a multitude of factors going on and I just wanted to acknowledge for you I think that we all manifest how we wish our bond with others to be expressed and for you physical contact and verbal affirmations and when these needs are not being met yes I can forsee how these will present challenges.

My wish for you is that you are able to find some middle ground in order to get the much needed sense of peace that you deserve.

[hannabee]

Webgoji
I didn't mean to belittle your current situation and I apologize if I offended you with the link I posted. I honestly thought that viewing some of his videos might offer some insight and help for your situation. He does provide commentary and ideas towards resolution of marital issues that stem from intimacy obstacles. I was in no way making light of your situation, I hope you realize that and I wish you only the best.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by hannabee

Webgoji
I didn't mean to belittle your current situation and I apologize if I offended you with the link I posted. I honestly thought that viewing some of his videos might offer some insight and help for your situation. He does provide commentary and ideas towards resolution of marital issues that stem from intimacy obstacles. I was in no way making light of your situation, I hope you realize that and I wish you only the best.

Oh, no offense taken ... I just haven't been able to view those videos yet.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by hannabee

I don't know...maybe some humor could help???

Finally got a chance to watch this. That ... was .... PERFECT! That's almost exactly me in a nutshell.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

First things first. Back when I was on Venlafaxine, it caused anorgasmia. I couldn't have an orgasm for a long time while the doctors played with my medications. After finally getting off of Venlafaxine, I'm able to have an orgasm again. However, I know have an almost crippling case of performance anxiety because I'm so worried about it, I can't orgasm with my wife ... only through manual stimulation. And this is a 4-fold issue; the medications I take don't help the situation when it comes to sexual issues, I'm 42 years old, I have developed performance anxiety and over the years have focused so much on her that I can't even focus on my own orgasm when we're together.

Well, about 8 months ago, Mrs. Webgoji's libido all but disappeared. I talked her into going to the doctor, talked her into talking to the psychiatrist about her medication, talked to her about going ... talked, talked, talked and met plenty of resistance. She was feeling pressured so a month ago I backed off completely. No more romantic gestures, no more random requests to dance to music on the TV, no more anything that would indicate that I want to have sex.

And now I'm a wreck. I don't agree that sex is the bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, but I'm not a psychologist so I can't refute what he stated. If that's true, then I'm not even fulfilling the simplest first rung of needs. He puts intimacy at the 3rd level and that is, from my perspective, completely dead.

Here's why this is in the relationships section. Sex isn't about sex to me, it's about emotional intimacy. Mrs. Webgoji is not good at emotional intimacy. She doesn't give compliments and isn't "touchy feely", she's a sit on the other end of the couch content type person. So basically I'm not getting any of my emotional needs met.

My love languages are physical contact and verbal affirmations. Mrs. Webgoji doesn't flirt with me so any physical contact is limited to holding hands and verbal affirmations are limited to "Good chicken wings!". We've gone over these languages ad nauseum, but I'm left trying to get my emotional needs filled by myself. (Which is weird because companionship and intimacy require another person.)

There's no grass on the other side of the fence, but I'm completely out of ideas. Nothing works. After 15 years I've run out of ideas on how to get my needs met. (I used to be able to get a good dose of affirmation through sex because she was young and in the mood, but that's gone now.) To top things off, she's now projecting it on herself that her vagina just isn't tight enough any more. Adding one more guilt trip onto my issues.

When you're stuck between "leave and be miserable" or "be together and only be mostly miserable" what do you do?

I'm reading through your post and re-reading it slower just to make sure I understand... first off I feel for you and I know it's gotta be tough but here's the thing:

first this

Well, about 8 months ago, Mrs. Webgoji's libido all but disappeared. I talked her into going to the doctor, talked her into talking to the psychiatrist about her medication, talked to her about going ... talked, talked, talked and met plenty of resistance. She was feeling pressured so a month ago I backed off completely. No more romantic gestures, no more random requests to dance to music on the TV, no more anything that would indicate that I want to have sex.

Just a thought, do you at all see that you solely have YOUR needs sexually in mind here? does it occur to you that possibly your insistence that she get medical help with her libido might have further made her NOT want to do anything about it? If I had a hard time with sex for any reason I'd hope they'd be more understanding and not so quickly push me off to a doctor to be FIXED. The issue of losing one's libido isn't always entirely a physical one and to so quickly assume that a drug or otherwise medical remedy is all she needs is rather simplistic. I'm not saying this to be mean but your insistence could easily be taken as very selfish.

Throughout the rest of your post it seems there are other issues going on that are complicating things too. It may not simply be a physical libido thing at all. With your issues of her non-touchiness, I wonder if that's been an issue all along and now it just seems to confound things because of the lack of sex also?

I think with your comment that she says her Vagina may not be tight enough could be a sign that there are deeper issues going on that may be affecting the situation. Think about your performance anxiety and how it affects your ability to climax. In the same way, if she's having anxiety about her body, have you thought about the fact that maybe your lack of being able to complete has in her mind made her think perhaps her body isn't good enough? This is what I see in your short comment about how she's pointing at her lack of "tightness"

I won't minimize that both men and women have needs that should be met in a relationship and I don't want to make this sound as if I think that's a non issue at all. It isn't but what I see in your post is more worrying about how to get what you want rather than curiosity about why your wife may be having trouble with wanting sex at all?

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Just a thought, do you at all see that you solely have YOUR needs sexually in mind here? does it occur to you that possibly your insistence that she get medical help with her libido might have further made her NOT want to do anything about it? If I had a hard time with sex for any reason I'd hope they'd be more understanding and not so quickly push me off to a doctor to be FIXED. The issue of losing one's libido isn't always entirely a physical one and to so quickly assume that a drug or otherwise medical remedy is all she needs is rather simplistic. I'm not saying this to be mean but your insistence could easily be taken as very selfish.

Actually you're quite correct. Thus the reason I've backed off entirely. I've talked to her about me not pushing anymore or asking about doctor's or anything. I don't want to push the issue anymore as my insistence, you noted, is inappropriate.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Throughout the rest of your post it seems there are other issues going on that are complicating things too. It may not simply be a physical libido thing at all. With your issues of her non-touchiness, I wonder if that's been an issue all along and now it just seems to confound things because of the lack of sex also?

Totally actually. She's never been overly affectionate, but we always had a very good sex life. But last October it suddenly stopped. I don't know why, could have been any number of things and a sudden change like that was alarming. Thus my insistence to see if something was wrong medically or psychologically or whatever. But as I mentioned above, I was compounding the problem and have backed off entirely. I don't want to be part of the problem and I can't be part of the solution.

The really hard thing is that there isn't even any being supportive. I just have to sit and let it come from her side. In the mean time, we're drifting farther apart.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I think with your comment that she says her Vagina may not be tight enough could be a sign that there are deeper issues going on that may be affecting the situation. Think about your performance anxiety and how it affects your ability to climax. In the same way, if she's having anxiety about her body, have you thought about the fact that maybe your lack of being able to complete has in her mind made her think perhaps her body isn't good enough? This is what I see in your short comment about how she's pointing at her lack of "tightness"

She has always had body image issues going waaaaaay back to her childhood. But whatever came along in October shut things down. I don't know the connection, but something is there. Something I can't push ... again, pushing to see the psychologist is just making things worse, not better.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I won't minimize that both men and women have needs that should be met in a relationship and I don't want to make this sound as if I think that's a non issue at all. It isn't but what I see in your post is more worrying about how to get what you want rather than curiosity about why your wife may be having trouble with wanting sex at all?

I can understand that actually. The post is from my own emotional perspective.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

Actually you're quite correct. Thus the reason I've backed off entirely. I've talked to her about me not pushing anymore or asking about doctor's or anything. I don't want to push the issue anymore as my insistence, you noted, is inappropriate.



Totally actually. She's never been overly affectionate, but we always had a very good sex life. But last October it suddenly stopped. I don't know why, could have been any number of things and a sudden change like that was alarming. Thus my insistence to see if something was wrong medically or psychologically or whatever. But as I mentioned above, I was compounding the problem and have backed off entirely. I don't want to be part of the problem and I can't be part of the solution.

The really hard thing is that there isn't even any being supportive. I just have to sit and let it come from her side. In the mean time, we're drifting farther apart.


She has always had body image issues going waaaaaay back to her childhood. But whatever came along in October shut things down. I don't know the connection, but something is there. Something I can't push ... again, pushing to see the psychologist is just making things worse, not better.


I can understand that actually. The post is from my own emotional perspective.

thanks for your responses and for not taking offense, Never mean to be offensive so I sometimes worry about how my words are taken.

As for psychologist does this include trying some kind of counseling together? perhaps that would help and even more so might help to lead into individual counseling if it was needed?

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

thanks for your responses and for not taking offense, Never mean to be offensive so I sometimes worry about how my words are taken.

As for psychologist does this include trying some kind of counseling together? perhaps that would help and even more so might help to lead into individual counseling if it was needed?

No worries. I try to understand what other people are saying without assuming they're trying to be offensive or aggressive.

We've been going to couple's counseling for a couple years now (it started with my major depressive disorder and was directed toward me and our relationship) so yeah, we've being going together and my wife was going individually as well recently, but she stopped going a while back. The psychologist mentioned that she thought my wife needed to get back to individual therapy, but we'll know more at our couple's counseling this weekend.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

No worries. I try to understand what other people are saying without assuming they're trying to be offensive or aggressive.

We've been going to couple's counseling for a couple years now (it started with my major depressive disorder and was directed toward me and our relationship) so yeah, we've being going together and my wife was going individually as well recently, but she stopped going a while back. The psychologist mentioned that she thought my wife needed to get back to individual therapy, but we'll know more at our couple's counseling this weekend.

Oh good. Good luck going forward and I hope you figure it out!

[llleeelllaaannneee]

We constantly hear how important communication is and I agree. We also hear that relationships are hard work and I also agree. That said, I think there are times when something has been talked about and worked on so much that the work itself almost becomes the issue.
I think (and it's just my opinion) that humor is an excellent idea and I'd add do mutual (non sexual, non talking, non affectionate) activities together. I'm assuming the Mrs. Has some interests/likes that fall into this category. If not, maybe finding some and doing them together is a way to start the intimacy ball rolling.

I really like your perspective that sex doesn't equal intimacy or affection and can see why you're concerned that it's not happening given her not touchy-feely temperament. I think you guys need a break and intimacy may happen but if you do things together. Not with sex as an end goal but with the goal of remembering why you guys liked each other enough to get married in the first place or as a way to show off your strengths to each other. Maybe she's super smart but doesn't get to share that part of herself with you cause she's really smart in a subject you know nothing about. If you can find a way to share it that might go along way.

I really hear a lot of care and consideration in your post. I wish you the best of luck.

[Webgoji]

Update:

Well we made a little breakthrough in therapy this weekend. As most of you know, I have Major Depressive Disorder; a recurring pattern of Major Depressive episodes that have been growing in frequency since I was young. At around 37, the last major depressive episode basically became permanent. Medication is the only thing that's been keeping me out of severe depression for the past 5 years.

So we started seeing our therapist about 1.5-2 years ago and I thought I had dug myself out of the hole. Proper medication and a lot of hard work and I'm functioning normally. (Well, as normal as I get.)

But it came out that while I thought everything had returned to normal, our relationship has never actually recovered. I don't know why or what and it's certainly not leading to divorce, but we're in the roommate zone and evidently have been there for the past couple of years.

I'm not sure what to do yet, but I've got a lot of work to do and we're getting this ship back on course. Mr. and Mrs. Webgoji will get back to the nauseatingly perfect couple we were. Thank you everyone for the support.

[Webgoji]

So we're going on 2 months now with no intimacy. We don't hold each other and kiss or anything of that nature anymore. After sitting on the couch quietly for a couple of hours she'll ask how my day went, but we can go several days without any physical contact at all now.

We're growing farther apart every day. It's like watching a drug addict slowly kill themselves.

Last weekend we were supposed to go to couples' therapy and she wanted to know how I was feeling before we went. I told her I felt like I was wasting my time doing all the little romantic things I do (chocolates on the pillow, hand-written notes, flowers 'cause it's Tuesday, etc.), I told her I was lonely, miserable and felt I was just enabling her withdrawal by pursuing her with those actions. Essentially, she was having her needs met by me, but it's not going the other way. I told her how I've read 4 different relationship books, been in therapy, changing numerous behaviors and would like for her to once just try to change what she's doing.

I don't know the answer. We know I'm the trigger for killing her libido, but there's nothing I can do about it. She can be in the mood all day, but right before she walks in the house and realizes I might want sex, her anxiety will jump and she'll get completely turned off. She feels I'm pushing my love language on her by wanting physical contact and a compliment now and then.

I just go day to day wishing I had my friend back.

[hannabee]

So I'm curious how do you know she has been in the mood all day? Something isn't right here. Not to be mean, but you are absolutely sure there is no one else?? Anywhere...work...online....neighbor??? My thought is that if she has NO libido, then she would NEVER be in the mood, right?

Two months without intimacy is waaaaaaaaaaay too long, IMHO. Big hug.

[divine1966]

She is resentful or something. I felt no sexual or intimate desire for my ex for awhile and eventually left him. In fact when affection stopped ( we used to be very affectionate) everything slowly died. I resented him for specific reasons that I could name.

He just didn't think it was serious enough to be upset about. He kept thinking it is my libido and going through menopause . In fact I started to think I was just getting older. Boy was I wrong. I am in new relationship and trust me I can't get my hands off him. Nope nothing was wrong with my libido

Something is bothering her. Bet you it's not lack of libido. Find what it is.

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[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by hannabee

So I'm curious how do you know she has been in the mood all day? Something isn't right here. Not to be mean, but you are absolutely sure there is no one else?? Anywhere...work...online....neighbor??? My thought is that if she has NO libido, then she would NEVER be in the mood, right?

Two months without intimacy is waaaaaaaaaaay too long, IMHO. Big hug.

It came out in therapy. She said that she could be in the mood all day long, but when she got home her anxiety would jump up at the thought that I would want to have sex.

I believe it's tied to the anorgasmia I experienced while I was on venlafaxine and subsequent DE, but I can't be 100% sure. Maybe stress from work, but that doesn't jive with her being in the mood all day long. She says she doesn't know why either, so I'm left shrugging.

I'm sure there's nobody else, I can't confirm since I don't do social networking or anything like that, but I trust her and will until proven wrong. But it is a huge red flag huh?

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by divine1966

She is resentful or something. I felt no sexual or intimate desire for my ex for awhile and eventually left him. In fact when affection stopped ( we used to be very affectionate) everything slowly died. I resented him for specific reasons that I could name.

He just didn't think it was serious enough to be upset about. He kept thinking it is my libido and going through menopause . In fact I started to think I was just getting older. Boy was I wrong. I am in new relationship and trust me I can't get my hands off him. Nope nothing was wrong with my libido

Something is bothering her. Bet you it's not lack of libido. Find what it is.

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I agree. We've been doing couples' counseling for years now and I've really stepped up in the relationship since my last big crash with major depression.

It could be work stress since her job is really demanding, but that doesn't really jive with her saying she'll be in the mood all day and then lose it when she gets home. That tells me it's something specific related to me.

Without knowing what I'm doing wrong (if anything), I can't correct anything. So we'll keep up the counseling and I'll keep working on me and hopefully it'll come out in the open so we can deal with it before it gets too far along.

[divine1966]

️Hugs. I am sorry you are struggling

I don't want to offend so I am just brainstorming here. Did your appearance change? Your grooming? Habits? Looks? Fragrances you use? Do you work? Contribute financially? Drink? Smoke? Take Meds ( it could be positive and negative).

Work stress... Yeah I don't think so. During school year I work as much as 60-70 hours a week two jobs. My full time one is demanding in every sense and the other one is just tiring . Nope it's not effecting my desire to kiss and hold my bf.

I would agree that libido and stress and being tired could effect desire for sex. Sure I am close to 50 and dont necessarily want sex as much yet it doesn't prevent me from hugs or holding hands. In fact I want TLC more when stressed.

I hope it gets resolved as I know it stresses you out

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[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by divine1966

️Hugs. I am sorry you are struggling

I don't want to offend so I am just brainstorming here. Did your appearance change? Your grooming? Habits? Looks? Fragrances you use? Do you work? Contribute financially? Drink? Smoke? Take Meds ( it could be positive and negative).

Work stress... Yeah I don't think so. During school year I work as much as 60-70 hours a week two jobs. My full time one is demanding in every sense and the other one is just tiring . Nope it's not effecting my desire to kiss and hold my bf.

I would agree that libido and stress and being tired could effect desire for sex. Sure I am close to 50 and dont necessarily want sex as much yet it doesn't prevent me from hugs or holding hands. In fact I want TLC more when stressed.

I hope it gets resolved as I know it stresses you out

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No offense taken at all. I work between 45-50 hours a week. Although my wife does make more than I do, I am make a good wage. I also do the vast majority of the cooking in the house and we share cleaning duties.

Now once I started taking a full dose of venlafaxine, I gained weight. Now that I'm on Viibryd, if I eat more than 1500 calories a day, I'll gain weight. I'm not grossly overweight, but I'm certainly not healthy either. I've wondered if this is playing into it myself.

I dunno. Hopefully whatever it is will come out in time so it can be addressed.

[hannabee]

So I just read about Anorgasmia and I do think that condition might turn her off to sex if you are taking forever to climax. It can be painful and pretty annoying, I would think. I don't know about red flags because it seems to me that she is trying to get back to her old self. I am assuming there was a time in the marriage when she ENJOYED sex with you.
Hopefully you do get to the bottom this sooner rather than later. Hopefully the couples therapy will help!

[divine1966]

Honestly I wouldn't be concerned as much about lack of sex as it sometimes happens but overall lack of affection. No touching even in a friendly manner indicates deeper issues than just problem with sex

Also you talk about your needs met. What about hers? From what you said it seems that her needs aren't met either or she wouldn't be distant.

When my relationship was falling apart all my ex was concerned about was lack of sex.

Instead of working on fixing relationship he was concerned how he is sexually frustrated. Well you can't make a woman to have intimacy. You just can't. You have to fix a relationship.

Maybe instead of worrying about sex or asking for intimacy you could find out what bothers her...

After years of couple therapy you still don't know. Is she hiding something or is therapist not helpful or you not paying attention? My ex told me he had no clues things were so bad when I said I was done. Oh for real.



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