My girlfriend shuts down completely

My girlfriend & I met online. We fell in love hard & fast. She lives in Texas, I live in Oregon. We got very close very fast, & I was afraid to share some things about my past until the time was right. I went to Texas twice in as many months. The first visit was amazing. The second visit, she found out about my past. She is very successful in her professional life,* & fiercely independent. She was physically abused by her mother when she was young, & her father wasn't around. She always shuts down completely, & won't respond to texts, calls, or emails. She does this with everyone she has problems with. She cuts them off completely. I try to engage her repeatedly, & in every way I can think of. She won't say anything. The only thing she will say is to leave her alone & that I'm smothering her, which I admit, I kind of am. I just want to get through to her. I just want to talk. I think she suffers from dismissive avoidant attachment. How do I do this? I love her & her daughter very much.

Stop smothering her.

You can't control whether or not she can get over whatever she found out about your past.

By continuing to contact her, though, you are giving her reasons from the present to stay away from you.

Suppose that this is true. What do you think an avoidant person will do when someone continually tries in an unwelcome manner to get close to them?

Show her some respect. She asked you to leave her alone. Do what she asked you to do.

I would give her some time. Unfortunately if that is what she needs it probably won't help to continue the way things are. It sounds like she also needs to be willing to work on her own insecurities before it can really change. Although I know how hard that can be when you care about someone so much and they shut down.

I would suggest sending her an email if you can stating that you have heard her and will give her space but that you still care about her and she can contact you any time if she wants to talk. And then give her some time. In a month or two if you haven't heard then try a follow-up email to see how she is doing and if she is ready/willing to talk and work through things.

I agree with Bill3. Stop smothering her. Respect her boundaries and give her the space she has asked for. Otherwise, she will want NOTHING to do with you.

I'm someone who also suffered some childhood abuse and, when I start dating someone, I need them to approach me SLOWLY and respect my boundaries. I do let people in once they have proven that they are "safe"-- but that takes time. The way I determine if someone is safe is, when I say "I need alone time right now" or "I need you to move slower" or "I need you to be patient"-- do they listen? Do they give me the space I have asked for? Or, like a lot of people, do they continue to blow up my phone, invade my space, tell me what they think I should do, or try to convince me that I'm wrong about what I need and, in their opinion, what I really need is more contact with them? If they keep pushing and trying to force their needs and their wants onto me instead of respecting my boundaries, then I know they are not safe. They don't actually respect or care about me at all. They are actually just trying to use me to meet their needs for attention/gratification/loneliness or whatever.

That's absolutely true, & I wish I had learned that lesson sooner. She told me that she wanted to marry me & have a family with me, & since I was already in love with her before she said that, I thought that it meant I would have to be the one to try & break through. Typical male ego, I suppose.

So how long ago did the two of you meet? And you're in love "hard and fast" and marriage was brought up? This has PD whirlwind romance written all over it, sorry.

What's PD?

I expect that CopperStar meant PD = personality disorder. The thought occurred to me as well.

Without you mentioning anything remotely about your past here I cannot say what her trigger is regarding you so I will respond with regards to your attempting to, as you call it, "get through to her".

First thing I notice is how quick you are to mention her challenges, her past and her possible issues but everything about you is left blank which leaves the impression that there is something you don't want us to know and that leads me to think that you're skewing the situation in favor of yourself by not even talking about you and pointing out how she has "issues" then going on to ask how do do this as if it is something that needs to be fixed or handled with her.

I may be wrong but to be honest it's how your post reads. In a nutshell if you care about someone, and they back off, tell you literally to leave them alone, out of respect that is exactly what you should do. Disrespecting people by continually making further attempts against their clear wishes will only further push them away and eventually may close the door on you.

"she suffers from _______ " last thing you should do is diagnose your loved one and try to figure out what's wrong with them. Acceptance is at the core of true love and if that's not there, it's not going to go very far. Instead of trying to figure out what is going on with her maybe evaluate what it is about your unmentionable past that you clearly think has pushed her away?

Again, I don't know what it is, but I strongly believe this is at the core of the problem and unless you address that, you're not going to get far.

Hope this helps.

Somehow this got cut out. ..

We met online. Some kind of a glitch put someone from Houston, Texas on my phone in Portland, Oregon. She was beautiful. She was better than me, but we immediately recognized something in one another. I had been divorced a few years before, & she was briefly married when she was young. She had a daughter. I was a contractor with a checkered past, she was a financial advisor at a major brokerage house who had made all the right choices. It started with messages. Cheeky messages, joking around about about me moving two thousand miles just to have dinner with her, exchanging funny quotes from movies, little messages that made the day fly by. I instantly saw something special in her, & I had already told myself that I did not want to end up in a relationship online. I found it to be cheesy, & I didn't like the idea of when people asked me how we met, giving "online" as an answer. So I tried to keep it casual. One day she sent a message that gave me her phone number. I remember the metal butterflies doing loops in my stomach. We decided to talk that night. I got so caught up in talking to her that I burned the streak I was cooking for dinner, & nearly burned my house down. From then on, we spoke almost every night, usually for two or three hours. We talked about everything. Everything except my checkered past. When I had gotten divorced, my wife had left me for another man, & I did not handle it well. I had made questionable decisions, did drugs, & I even dated a stripper of low moral character. It had been about two & a half years since these events, & I was back on my feet, doing well. I had dated a few women in those couple of years, but found nothing that I wanted. Even though I had found myself on sure footing, I wasn't looking to fall in love. I never saw it coming. I started to fall within the first month, but it was unfamiliar. Something I wasn't prepared for. I found in her a friend, a friend I knew that I didn't want to be without. We planned a meeting in San Francisco, middle ground for both of us. It was to happen in May, but it was still March, & may was two months away. We spoke on the phone, & the feelings that ran through me were inexplicable. She was so loving, so endearing. And I couldn't get enough of her. But she had a daughter, & I did not want to do anything to jeopardize where this could go. I knew that she needed to protect her daughter, & she had told me about some of the questionable men she had met through online dating. I did not want to come off as one of those guys, because I'm not. She brought out so many things in me that I had forgotten about. I had been working so much that I didn't have much time to be silly, or laugh much, but with her, it was just there. One night, we had been texting, & I was texting everything that was coming into my head. On one text, I hit send before I realized that I had told her that I was falling for her for the first time. I called immediately to preempt the text, & she picked up after the first ring. I told her. I told her everything that I was feeling. That I saw this going somewhere, that she had become everything to me, & that I was falling for her. She said that she saw this going somewhere as well, & all I could think was that May was so far away. A couple of days later, I told her that I would like to come to Houston to see her. It would be in a few weeks. Those weeks took forever. We talked every night. The week before, she had taken some clients out to a local bar that she patronized a lot, & always had a good time at. The night did not go well. They were harassed, & she went home, & went to sleep before saying goodnight to me. I was so worried that I left several voicemails, begging her to let me know that she was alright. It turned out she was when she called in the morning, & I've never been so relieved. Then she dropped a bombshell. She told me that she was falling for me. My heart swelled, & I told her that I loved her. She told me that she loved me. For the next week, we talked about the usual, we talked about how excited we were to finally be with one another. All I could think about was how much I loved her. Finally, the time had come. I flew to Houston, & when I came down the escalator, there she was, & I remember the nervousness coiling around me until we hugged. With her in my arms, I felt at home. I was where I belonged. On the drive to her house, we talked lightly, trying to make light of the fact that we were both so excited to finally see each other. I held her hand as she drove, kissing her fingers one by one. As we pulled into the driveway, I remember thinking to myself what it would be like pulling my truck in every night after a long day of work. We walked in the front door, I sat my bag down, & spun her around, picking her up & kissing her. Her legs wrapped around me, & she looked at me like nobody has ever looked at me. I sat her on the top of her leather couch, & in a moment of comic relief, the couch kicked out the reclining seat, & we almost fell. I picked her up & sat her on her feet. She took my hand & walked me into the bedroom, & told me to make love to her. We made love in a way that I have never experienced. We were connected at the heart. At the soul, & she looked at me with those eyes that told me that she saw me for who I was. I will never get over those eyes. Never. We must have made love at least a dozen times that weekend. That wasn't the most exciting thing that happened that weekend. On the last day, I spent the day with her & her daughter. They took me to a driving range, & her daughter interviewed me. I was told that her daughter had to approve of me. She asked me what I saw in her mother, & I told her. Her mother was someone that I connected with like no other. She gave me comfort from two thousand miles away, & I felt home when I was with her. She was the other half that I didn't know was missing. I remember her looking me right in the eye, just as her mother did, & I could tell how special this child was. Another thing happened. Earlier the previous day, her mother noticed a sliver of color in my eye that I didn't know about. Her daughter saw the exact same thing, & when she told me, I almost broke down right there. These girls saw into me, & I saw into them. We were a family that day. They took me home, & we watched TV until it was time for my flight. We watched silly TV, & cuddled. We had a tickle fight, & we laid on that couch with my arms around them both. I left my heart on that couch with them. Leaving was heartbreaking. I didn't want that drive to the airport to end. We held hands, & talked about how much we were going to miss each other. At the dropoff area, we held each other tightly, & just about cried. Actually we did. After the longest goodbye, we watched each other as she drove away slowly. I literally dropped my bag & almost chased after her. I had to hold back with everything I had to not sprint after her. I left that airport knowing that I had found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The thought of my past indiscretions never even came to mind. None of it mattered. All that mattered was what was happening when I was with her. we planned for me to visit in another month, over the memorial day weekend. I would spend a week with my girls. In that month in between my visits, I would get texts saying," your girls miss you", & "come home to your girls". These kinds of messages gave me everything I needed, except for my girls. I had to make it home. It was during this time that she had done a search on me online, as people are prone to do, & she found that I had been kicked out of school for doing drugs. She found out, & never told me. She waited for me to tell her, & I never did. We talked as we always did, for hours every night, almost without exception. I had moments where I felt I should tell her. I was worried that she would find out eventually, & every time that I didn't receive a text for more than a few hours, I feared that she had found out, & was repulsed. The thought of that repulsion held me at bay. Held me in fear. I just wanted her to see me as I was with her. I should have said something, but I couldn't. The entire month I missed her with all of my heart, & we were obviously more in love than anyone you have ever seen. I decided that I would move to Houston to be with her. She wanted me to move in with her & her daughter, but I was very hesitant. I had step patents when I grew up, & they had a huge effect on me, in a negative way. I also wanted to tell her about the things I did when I was younger, & after I got divorced before I could do that. I worried that I would hurt her, & her daughter. There was no way I could do that to such important people to me. I didn't tell her, but I had already made arrangements to move into an apartment near her. I wanted to surprise her on my next trip. I told my boss that I would be leaving, & gave a date. This whole time between visits we fell more & more in love. I dreamed about her & my future family almost every night. I thought about family dinners, going to my new step daughters latest school performance, as a proud father, but most of all, I thought about being a husband. Showing her all of the love that I felt. She was the most amazing woman I had ever encountered, & I would make sure that she knew that for the rest of my life. Finally, my trip home had finally come. I held her at the airport so tightly, I never wanted to let her go. The drive home was the same. Smiles & laughs, & when we got home, her daughter was there with a friend. I held her, & kissed her on the head. I had missed her so much, & was excited to watch her play in a recital the next day. Her mother and I adjourned to the bedroom for a moment to put my bags away, the next thing I knew we were holding each other as if there were no time in between my last visit. I had missed her so much that it hurt. It actually hurt. I kissed her, & I looked her in those beautiful eyes, & told her I loved her. She looked at me with that look that shook me, that made me tremble. I was finally home. We went out for dinner, & came home. That Saturday, we went to the recital. I was humbled & proud to be there. I held the camera & watched this beautiful, smart, living girl as a doting father would. I remember tearing up a few times. Her mother had given me a few moments of the silent treatment, but I didn't know why. I thought I had just annoyed her in some way that she didn't expect. Later in the trip, she got upset with me, & barely spoke to me. I could barely take it. I began to have a panic attack. We went to an ice cream parlor, & sent her daughter in ahead of us, so we could discuss what was going on. I had made a remark that she thought meant something else, & I explained that having her so angry with me was a big deal to me. She apologized, & we made up fairly quickly. We went inside & had ice cream together as a family, & all was right. We went for a walk in a nice neighborhood, & had dinner, & bought some trinkets for her daughter. We had the best time. Later, we went to a musical, & watched her friends perform. She is a very gifted singer & performer, & is very involved in musicals. I watched the performance with my girls, having the best time. We all had the best time. We were together, & we fit together, all of us together. We went home as a family, & went to bed as a family. The next day, I took a medication that I had been taking for quite some time, something that I never revealed. Because I had taken drugs, I cannot take typical pain relievers, & I was prescribed a special drug to take in its place. This drug is given to heroin addicts, & requires a special prescription. I took it to wean myself off of the drugs that I took, & found that it took away pain that I had. From them on, I took this drug, & nobody knew. If it got out that I took this drug, it would put my career in jeopardy, & I didn't want anyone to know outside of work because of the stigma that came with it. On Sunday, I had dropped one of these medications on the bathroom floor, & she found it. She set it on the counter, & said nothing. She was giving me an opportunity, & I didn't take it. We had several arguments that I thought were about her being annoyed with me, but turned out to be about me not admitting what she already knew. After a night of me leaving to take a walk, I made dinner. We had a moment where I grabbed my bag to actually leave, or at least I wanted her to chase after me, showing that she didn't want me to go. I told her that there were things about me that she didn't know, & that I was afraid to tell her. We went inside, & I sat down, & told her about my troubled childhood, & about how I got kicked out of school for doing drugs. I did not mention how I fell apart after my divorce. I felt that I had said enough. It turns out, she had looked up what the medication was while I was in another room, & she was still mad that I didn't tell her about it. When confronted about it, I tried to make an excuse for why I had it. I was so afraid of her seeing me as something I wasn't, & very afraid of her seeing what I had been at one point in my life. I loved her more than anyone I have ever met, & would do anything to hold on to her, but I had demonstrated horrible behavior, & could see the wheels in her head turning. She had given me several opportunities to tell her the truth, & I didn't. My fear of losing her was so great, that I couldn't see that she would have forgiven me & understood. When we got to the airport for my departure, I held her close, & feared this would be the last time I would see her. I knew that she was the love of my life the entire time, & I couldn't tell her my secrets. We cried, & said a long goodbye. That flight was the longest of my life. I didn't sleep for days. I tried to pull myself together, but couldn't. She stopped talking to me as much as before, but sometimes she would send me links to articles like the ones on this site, explaining how to keep a woman. I would read them over & over, not utilizing one of the most important pieces of advice. Give her space, & time. When we finally spoke on the phone, she told me that she couldn't believe that I lied to her. That she didn't know what was real. That I had shown her that I let my emotions control me, & she was right. I begged her for another chance. To let me come down & show her that I was the man she had fallen in love with, but she didn't want to hear any of it. She told me it wouldn't work. It ended with her having to go inside to her daughter, who was also upset. That was like a nail in the heart. I had hurt the most important people in the world to me. My best friend, & her daughter, who felt like my daughter. I kept thinking about saying goodbye to her daughter for the last time. I had hugged her closely, kissed her on the forehead, & told her that I would miss her like no other, & I do. Over the next couple of weeks, I dug my own grave, showing just how my emotions take control. Even though she wouldn't reply, I engaged her with a barrage of texts, telling her that I was who she fell in love with, & that I was sorry. How much I loved her, & how I wanted to spend the rest of my life making it up to her & her daughter. I was completely heartbroken. I was distraught. Most of all, I missed my best friend, & was afraid of losing her forever. Every now & again, I would get a text saying,"just stop. This won't work". Because she never said,"I don't love you", or "it's over", or "I never want to see you again", I took it as a sign that there was a chance of reconciliation. And I continued to send text after text, praying to get a reply. Finally, on a Saturday, some friends talked me into going to a festival, knowing that I was in bad shape, but not knowing that I was inconsolable. While there, I sent several messages begging for a reply. On my way home, she did. She told me that because I had let my emotions control me, & because I had lied, it wouldn't work. I got upset, & told her that if it wasn't for her becoming silent every time that she got angry, & that if she would just talk to me, it would work. That we could get right back to where we were. The next message I received said,"you're unbelievable. I'm blocking you now". That was it. She wanted nothing to do with me, & moreover, she was sick of me bothering her. I had become the antithesis of everything I wanted to be to her. The following Monday, when I got to work, I was informed that I would be performing a very dangerous job. I hadn't slept. I hadn't eaten in two days. I was a wreck. I started to have a panic attack. All I could think about was her, & how she must despise me, & how all I wanted in the world was to see her. I got into my truck & put my sunglasses on so that my crew could not see me having a breakdown. Then, I made a mistake. I called her at work. She was not happy to hear from me. I explained that I was losing it, & that I feared she hated me. She told me that she didn't, & that I should decline the work. I told her that I wasn't in a position to back out. I told her that I wanted to see her, to talk face to face. She said that she didn't think it was a good idea. I asked if there was a chance of ever talking to her again, & she said she would think about it. I thanked her for talking to me, & apologized for ambushing her at work. I didn't intend to, but that's what I did. I went to work. After a few hours, I called again to apologize, & she told me that I needed to stop calling her at her office. After that, I went back to work. I was visibly distraught from later accounts from co-workers, which led to me falling forty feet from a building, almost getting killed. I suffered a concussion, & was knocked unconscious. I was lucky. A few bruised ribs, a bump on the head, & a few bruises were all that I suffered. While I was in the emergency room, I was told that they had called my girlfriend, as I had listed her as my emergency contact a few weeks prior. All I could think was that I was glad they couldn't reach her, & I'm sure that she didn't answer because she saw an Oregon area code on her caller id, & figured it was me. A couple days later, tropical storm Bill blew into Houston, & they showed some frightening things in the news, as they are one to do. I began to worry about my girls, if I can even call them that. After being blocked, & calling her office, I tried to message her through Facebook. I was truly worried, although they turned out to be fine. She then blocked me on Facebook. I can only assume that she thought of me as crazy by this point, & you would think that would be it, but I made it worse. I believed that if she could just see me, look me in the eye, & see me, that she would see who I truly was, & we would be right back where we were before this whole mess started. If she could just see me as more than incessant words on a screen, she would see my heart, & how it beats for her. In two & a half weeks, she had said maybe a hundred words. The love that drove me made me think that deep down, she really still loved me, & that I just had to show her the depth of my intent, & devotion. So, I did what an idiot would do. I booked a flight. I booked the most expensive hotel in Houston. I rented the nicest car. I had a plan. I would show up, unannounced, & prove to her that I was exactly who I claimed to be. The man that loved her more than any other man in the world. My boss asked me why I was leaving, which was very unusual for me, to which I had to tell him,"i love her, & I have to do everything in my power to show her", so, I left work, packed a bag, dropped off my dog, & got on a plane. In my head, she just need an act of love to show her why she had fallen for me. When I landed, I picked up my car, & drove straight to the mall. I picked up a new suit, & headed to a hotel closer to her house. I wanted to walk into the other hotel I booked together, for the first time. I had booked a suite, & imagined taking her out to the most romantic restaurant in Houston, which I had made several reservations for, just in case things didn't go according to plan. The first thing I did was shower , & change into some other clothes I bought. I went to a florist, & described exactly what I wanted. "The most romantic bouquet in the history of the world" was what I asked for. Roses were not enough. This had to be special. I stood by & showed them what I wanted. Then, I took the flowers, & drove to her office. I left them with the receptionist, & put a letter in the flowers telling R____ just what & how much I missed her. I hoped she would realize that I was in town by the fact that it was a letter from me, not a card from the florist. I then left, hoping to get a call, asking me to come back, or to see her running after me on the sidewalk. The things of romantic novels, I know. None of that happened. Instead, I returned to the hotel room, nervously awaiting the inevitable call. No such call came. So I called her from my hotel room. She was not happy to hear from me. I had imagined a romantic reconciliation, but instead, I got a less than pleased voice, wondering why I was calling, & where I was calling from. I told her why I came. I told her that I just wanted to talk, & that I just needed one chance. She told me that no such audience would be granted. That I shouldn't have come. That she was over it. That she had "moved on". As I tried to plead for five minutes of her time, telling her I had come two thousand miles just to see her, she became frustrated, & possibly disgusted. The last words I ever heard from her were, "I'm hanging up now, goodbye Chris". I was destroyed. I couldn't believe what had happened. I spent the rest of the day driving around, & finally went back to the hotel, utterly devastated by what I had done, & what had happened. I had turned the love of my life into the person who despised me most. All I could think of was her saying that she had "moved on". I had heard her use that phrase in reference to the man she was seeing before me, telling him that she had "moved on". Meaning she had moved on to me. All I could think of was another man touching her. I couldn't get that vision out of my mind. In the morning, I wrote a letter to her, telling her that what we had was real, & that she had broken my heart. Typical male ego stuff. I drove to her house to put the letter on the doorstep, only to see a car I didn't recognize next to hers in the driveway. I got nauseated. I slipped the letter into the seam of the door, & drove away wondering who was holding her. I commiserated for the rest of the weekend, begging God for a phone call from her. It never came. I left Houston a broken man. Before I left, I drove by the house one last time, & looked at the driveway that I thought I would be pulling into for the rest of my life. Where I had imagined loading kids into our car together for a family vacation. When I got home, I thought about how all of this must look to her, & how I saw it in contrast, & how my perception was skewed by how I felt. I made every mistake. <br />
I thought I was waiting to tell her about my past. She saw me lying. I thought I was omitting, she saw dishonesty. I thought I was stating my case, she saw me badgering her. I thought I was telling her how much I loved & missed her. She saw me smothering her. I thought I was being romantic by flying down unannounced. She saw me stalking her. And she was right about all of it. All I had to do was be honest. All I had to do was give her room to breathe. Time to think. All I showed her was a mess. Because I didn't do these things, because I didn't listen to her, really listen to her, I lost her. If you are a man that knows he is with the love of his life, do not do what I did. Tell her everything. Get it out of the way, so you can enjoy each other now, & everyday for the rest of your lives. Treat her like the queen that she is, & she will see you as a king. I will miss my queen for the rest of my life, & I will always love her. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to prove it to her.

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sorry. I didn't read that. my brain goes kaboom with long streams of text without breaks.

I replied on your other threads that is exactly same as this one under different title. What's going on

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Somehow I posted in two different places. I don't know how I did it. This is all new territory for me. Online forums, I mean.

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I was confused if that's even the sane situation. You are referring to her as your gf and saying she shut down yet in the other thread you said she broke up with you, she isn't your gf anymore and not wanting to speak to someone you previously dated isn't "shutting down". It is normal course of action. I thought you are taking about two different women.

Also in one thread you primarily blaming her and even try diagnose her but in this thread you are saying you pretty much stalked her.

I don't know if you are in therapy but such strong attachment and such poor judgement is something to explore and hopefully heal
T

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Yes, it was borderline creepy & stalkerish. It was a bunch of assumptions & poor judgement on my part. I thought I could get through to her. I messed up.

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We all make mistakes. All we can do is learn and move on. I don't think you messed up really. This shall pass and you'll find happiness

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Your long story was all about "you" really. Then as soon as she learned some things about you that were a concern to her, you smothered and stalked her. You did not respect her need for space and time to think "at all". The hotel, the flowers the new suit was all about "you" again, you getting your way in spite of her telling you to give her some space. So, yes, you basically disrespected her need for space "big time". She even gave you a book in an effort to "again" express the need for "space", but you did not "listen" to that, but instead you were again just thinking about "you". That is a big red flag to a woman. It is not "romantic" but is instead "addictive behavior" and this time addicted to "being in love with love" and you were showing her how obcessive you can be too, which is yet another "red flag".

When you don't hear/listen/give another person space and respect their space, you will be faced with the other person "avoiding and backing away".

Now, with this lesson don't be hard on yourself, learn from it instead. We all are capable of making some "big" mistakes in our lives. We can actually learn to "survive" in spite of these mistakes and make sure we dont repeat them.

That car you saw in her driveway could have been simply an over night guest or a friend, but you assumed it had to be another man right? That is just not good, not for her or yourself, again, it's obcessive. You never owned her, she was never really "yours" and even when a person gets married, that still doesn't mean they "own" the other person. Everything you wrote is "possessive" too, where you dreamed of her driveway being your driveway, her house being your house, her and her daughter being yours.

Your obviously not understanding what happened. Also, if you had read any of the other things related to this before jumping to point the finger, you'd see that I already know I was making those mistakes, & yes, part of it was to satisfy my feelings. I wasn't taking a brand & claiming her. We had both declared or hearts to each other. When I say that I was "hers", it is sentiment. Not psychotic claiming or something like that. What we felt for one another was mutually felt. It's not as if I was so delusional to think she felt something else. She told wanted to marry me, to have children with me. She wanted me to move in, & had already talked about moving to be with me. Seriously talked about it. Not playfully. Meant it. We were truly feeling very deep connections. At some point, don't I get to feel like of it was about me at all? When she tells me wants me to move in & be her husband, doesn't that entitle me to some propriety at all? Am I wrong for feeling bad & being in pain after she rejected me? For having anxiety attacks when she stopped talking completely a week after she told me she wanted to get pregnant? I care deeply about her. It wasn't some selfish tirade. It wasn't all about me. It was about us.

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Great post open eyes.

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While there can be love at first sight, it is only actually proven to be love by the passage of time.

Only the passage of time can prove whether or not the striking words, the seemingly full and passionate commitment, represent an actual reality.

That is unbelievably true. Thank you for that. I tend to lose sight of the big picture sometimes. Well said.

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Chris,

I understand your wanting info on dismissive avoidant personality.. No one here is a Doctor so we cant diagnosis or even toss out an educated guess. Personality disorders are very tricky and many Doctors have a hard time putting a finger on the exact disorder/illness. All your left with are list of possible symptoms that may or may not fit ...

The reality is break ups happen, sometimes we know why , often times we will never know exactly what went wrong, Seldom do the parties find closure, Broken hearts, loose ends and confusion are often whats left in the wake of things, Life just doesn't like to tie up all the pieces in a box with a red bow on top. I am not dismissing your pain and heart ache, You are hurting its plain to see in your posting.

I'm not sure what support you are wanting and/or needing... Do you know what will help you?

If blaming this on a Personality disorder will help you move forward then by all means do that... Everyone has to find a way to move forward even if its at a snails pace, but once your moving it really does get easier.. Will you be totally over it next week or next month? Nope.... She meant a lot to you. You will probably always look back on her with fond memories once the fresh white hot pain has had time to cool a bit and it will.. Time really does help the healing process.

My advice is simple, take it day by day, Don't beat yourself up.. seems like mistakes were made on both your parts. It happens, we are all human beings after all.

You knew you were "making" mistakes, but you kept on doing it. You called her and called her even when she asked you to stop. You invaded her boundaries, do you understand that?

You talk about her challenged history, well, even more reason to respect "her" boundaries.

She opened herself up to you, and now she is probably seeing her own mistakes too. However, you were way too obsessive, constantly calling her and then even at work? You proved to her that you are the type of person who doesn't respect boundaries even when asked to several times. No means "no", it's as simple as that.

That is what I am pointing at. It is important you understand "boundaries", and that means even when someone says they want you the way she did. That is the very hard take away lesson from this experience for you. Don't bother her, wait at least a month and then perhaps write her an appology note where you are recognizing what you did was wrong and you are very sorry and that's it, no more letters or pushing or calling with this woman. Anything further has to come from "her", if that doesn't happen then you have to respect that.

She is allowed to say all of those things, and want all of those things in the moment she says them--- and then, later on, change her mind. Just because a woman gives you a green light for a period of time doesn't mean she "owes" you a green light in the future. People change their minds about relationships, especially early on while they are still getting to know you. The second she changes her mind and changes her boundaries, she is giving you a red light and you need to stop. You're entitled to feel hurt, but you are not entitled to keep contacting her.

Actually, as you describe the situation, everything you say IS about YOU. You try to say "I love her"-- but if you actually did love her, you would respect her boundaries. You would not keep contacting her, trying to diagnose her, trying to get her to change her feelings & her mind, etc. You are talking about what you want and how you can "strategize" to try and "break through" to her to get what you want from her. You want her to want what you want (a relationship), but that is not what she wants. What she wants is for you to leave her alone and move on. Trying to read up on avoidant attachment disorder is you trying to diagnose her, change her, and break through to her. That is the opposite of caring about her and respecting what she wants. It's also useleaa information for you because it doesn't address YOU, and why YOU are acting the way you did. You aren't in love with this woman. You are in love with the idea of being in love-- it's called limerance. And, you have issues with entitlement and stalking. Work on those, not on trying to diagnose this woman.