I like him more than he likes me

My boyfriend and I had a talk yesterday because I have wanted to talk to him more, particularly on the phone because I think it's a great way to get to know someone. He was all for it, but I also brought up how I feel like I like him more than he likes me. He doesn't initiate dates often, and I know that he would never ask to call me, even if he'd say yes when I ask. And in general, he doesn't say super flirty things very often and just doesn't seem to be as enthusiastic as me. My fears were confirmed when he said he probably doesn't like me as much as I like him.

He assured me that he is interested, but said he has a lot of social interaction with friends too, whereas I rarely see any friends, so rely on him for my social interaction. And he has shared many of his interests with me (lent me video games, books, etc), but I haven't really shared anything with him. In general I find it hard to open up, which he knows and even asked me to be more open because he wants to know the real me.

The problem is that it's really hurting me and causing anxiety that he's not feeling as strongly as me. He mentioned that it took him awhile to really feel crazy about his previous gf, and that he's somewhat cautious about emotional commitment. I'm hoping that if I talk to him and open up to him more, his feelings will "catch up" with mine. Though we also still don't joke around with each other very often so I'm also worried that we're somewhat incompatible. We are both very reserved, so we are both afraid to show our sense of humor I think.

Anyway, do you think at this point he shouldn't be so far behind in his feelings? I find myself thinking of him all the time and counting down the days until I can see him again, but he's more laid-back. He enjoys our time together, but it's not quite the same experience for him. How long would you wait for things to get better? Do you think they can?

Ahh... you know, we grow up surrounded by romantic relationships, so we probably expect to fall in love a priori. While I do understand how you're feeling, it's hard to judge, maybe he truly doesn't live up to this logic?

This would give me feeling of people settling for me, which isn't really appealing, in my opinion. But, in the end, that's up to each person's expectations and how they deal with relationships. How long have you been together?

Also, you say that he's a lot more 'social' than you are. This can cause you great anxiety. Just out of curiosity, if the situation was the same but he was as outgoing as you would you feel less anxious?

What do you mean by him not living up to the logic? Do you mean he's realistic and doesn't buy into the need to rush into things?

Yeah, I have worried about him settling for me, especially since we found each other through online dating and he basically had no luck on there aside from me. But he says he likes me and wants to make it work. I just don't know how optimistic he is about us-- it seems like he has doubts and doesn't think we have much chemistry (aside from the sexual). We met in May, so we've gone on dates 1-2 times per week since then.

The interesting thing is that I wouldn't say he is more outgoing than me. I think we are very similar. But I just don't have a lot of friends, at least not ones available to see me every week, and he does. I don't think him hanging out with his friends has bothered me, other than the fact that he sometimes has to juggle his free time between us.

Not that he's 'realistic', but maybe he isn't really the kind of person that falls in love before or right after starting a romantic relationship?

I'm not really sure of what to say other than that it's up to you, as you've known each other for only a few months, maybe it worths a try to establish a deeper connection? I'm sorry that you feel hurt, I'd feel just the same.

And sorry, I got it figured that it could cause you anxiety as you said you rely on him for social interaction.

I wouldn't want to have sex with a guy who isn't into me that much, thinks we have no chemistry etc . If he is unsure how much he likes you and want to establish friendship and deep connection first it is all good but then I would stay as friends and see if it changes . Don't mean you have to break up but if he is that ambivalent no need to be physically intimate

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I think when she says he's not that much into her, she means it in an emotional level and sex doesn't necessarily depend on or come in the same package. She even mentioned they have sexual chemistry, so no red flag for me so far (I didn't get it if the OP associates physical intimacy to emotional intimacy or not from what she said)

What bothers me (almost to a personal level) is this "I'm not thaaat much into you, but I like you and I want to work this out" kind of relationship, but I hesitate commenting because I've never had relationships like this before and it sounds weird and unmanageable to me, even when it's rather common. I see people "working out" romantic relationship with someone they just got to know, so it's up to the OP and what she expects. If I were her I'd be feeling rejected and would probably go uninterested and back off forever.

Popuri: Thanks for your replies. Yeah, he could take awhile to fall for someone. It could also be that he has only ever had one gf for 7-8 years, and she broke up with him out of the blue when he thought he was going to spend his life with her. It has affected him a lot, so maybe he's afraid to jump into things?

And yes, he is into me on a sexual level. He just doesn't feel much of an emotional connection yet, though it's improved since he had a talk with me about this a few weeks ago and I tried being more open. Though personally I do associate physical intimacy with emotional intimacy.

Divine: We haven't actually had sex yet, but it's tough because we sort of made plans to and have been getting "prepared." I have actually never had sex, so I am afraid that if I do I will feel much more hurt and deeply entrenched. Yet at the same time I'm 23 and I feel like I've waited long enough.

I think I'll talk to him about things more so that I can more fully understand it. But I might just see where it goes, and if I get hurt I get hurt.

Ok, now I get a different picture.

Please, be careful if he just got out of a long-term relationship. It's not likely he'll be ready to develop emotional connection with another girl that soon and you seem to be expecting too much from him already. As I said before the red flag here is for the mismatched pacing in the relationship.

I don't romanticize ''first times''. If you want to have sex with him, do it. Just be careful not to mix up things, considering how attached to him you said you are. If you know you're getting hurt, then back off. One thing is learning and gaining experience from a situation, another completely different thing is neglecting your guts and biting more than you can chew.

Okay, so I guess it could be me expecting too much too soon. That actually makes me feel somewhat better. However, his relationship ended 2 years ago. He is still very damaged by it in terms of what it did to his sense of security and approach to relationships probably, but a significant amount of time has passed.

And thanks for your advice, you eased my anxiety about things a bit.

I agree, slow down and be careful.

"he has a lot of social interaction with friends too, whereas I rarely see any friends, so rely on him for my social interaction. And he has shared many of his interests with me.... but I haven't really shared anything with him.

This is problematic for me. Being dependant on him for socialization is not good. The solution to this is to seek out your own aquaintances and interests - and share them with your boyfriend.

How long have you been seeing him? And, how old are you two?

rcat: Yeah, I should try harder to hang out with friends. It's tough to make new friends at my age in my opinion (23) since I'm out of school. There's only so much I can put up with asking my existing friends to hang out and continually getting turned down because everyone has such a busy schedule. :/ But I will try. And as for my interests, it's more like his are very easy to share because you can just play the video game or read the comic book. But for me, I'm interested in things like psychology, philosophy, etc. I could do a better job of talking to him about this though. And you're probably right that I'd do well to develop even more interests though.

I'm Worth It: I'm 23 and he's 24, and we've been seeing each other for about 4 months now.

glad I could somewhat help. I admit, the getting aquaintances are easier to find than friends but it's a start. Philosphy - that's a great starting point I think to open up to the BF!

It is very wise that you did not have sex yet. Build friendship first and emotional closeness. Sex can wait

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That caught my attention too, I do think it can cause anxiety.
I have trouble making friends and having a social life, but I have my own interests and hobbies. Even so, I get anxious from it sometimes.

Maybe there's something to learn here? Why not want a man that's over the moon for you, instead of just filling a void?

It could develop, over time. Or, over time, you could have your answers about what choices you want to make.

Two years, post breakup, might seem long enough, however, it was an 8 year long relationship. I once dated someone off a broken engagement. He still wasn't over her, a couple years post finality. He kept up a guarded wall. And this might sound minor, but telling me his middle name was off limits. Guarded. Lacked a real emotional connection.

Thanks for your input, everyone. I thought I would update you that he ended up breaking up with me yesterday. We had spent the day together at a fair, and we were both fairly guarded (moreso me). Our conversations just hadn't been working for the past week. From his point of view I wasn't adding enough to conversations, so they fell flat. From my point of view, he was the one doing this. When he dropped me off at my house he said he thought we should break up. He said that I seem so into him and that he doesn't want to string me along hoping he'll develop stronger feelings for me, and then hurt me even more. He said he didn't think we have enough in common and that I deserve better.

A part of me wanted to convince him to stay, but the other part of me knew it was right that it was ending. I want someone who is over the moon for me, as healing4me says. Nevertheless, I am crushed by the ending and feel so rejected. I don't understand why he was so ambivalent about me, but I liked him so much as a person. I know it wasn't a healthy relationship because I was constantly insecure and looking for proof that he liked me all the time, soaking up any affection he gave. But I still really miss him and it has been very hard not to contact him today. I've been crying on and off all day.

I am very sorry and it is so very normal to feel upset. It will get better. Just give it time. Sometimes things just don't work out between people. If it is not there it's just not there. Stay strong and you will find the right person when the time is right

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You open up quicker, it takes him longer. I sense he may have trust issues or a fear of rejection/abandonment. I think that may be a reason why he is afraid to get flirty. Do you like him? Stick around, maybe temper your eagerness for a bit and take things at his pace. Easier said than done, but if you feel you want someone more receptive to you, it's your life. You can move on.

Maybe ask in therapy why you are attracted to men that are emotionally unavailable?

He broke up with her. I think you are replying to her original post but things changed since

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Ah, ok. Gotcha.

I'm sorry it ended like this. On the other hand, it's good that you're so down-to-earth with the ending and didn't get attached to the relationship. I don't think he was ambivalent, I think he didn't 'clicked' like you did. It happens and I bet you know he doesn't think bad of you.

Look, I'm in a looong-term relationship myself and I get insecure pretty often considering the time we're together. I'm one to require a lot of reassurance and feel overwhelmed from times to times, which can be frustrating to my boyfriend. So be aware of this the next time you're with someone too, ok? I'm telling you this because I struggle with these feelings and intrusive thoughts that make me think my relationship is not healthy, even though I know it's actually pretty stable. Not saying that this was your case, but since you detect this in yourself in a short relationship, it's better to watch out and, I don't know, work it out or at least be self-reflective and don't go too hard on yourself (or too soft, who knows).

That's something weird for me too, I mostly always can't control it and it's tricky. Sorry if this was too much or if it doesn't apply to you. It's one of my worst traits to deal with as I have a hard time with close relationships.

I just want to point out that opposites do on occasion attract. It is when one partner drops their own interests for the sake of the other that we see problems arise. Learning from and sharing the other's interests are good, but I don't believe healthy unless it is a two way street. I have come to realize some of my BF's interests are kind of cool while in turn I have opened up his world to hobbies of my own. I never had much of an interest in creative writing - only because it had never occured to me. Now I publish poems to a web site. Similarly he has discovered the outdoors is a grat place to be.

So what I am saying is don't be fearful of a man opposite to you just don't lose yourself in him.

My post was a bit confusing! rcat put it better than I could.