[angelicgoldfish05]

I met this guy Sunday at a bar. He was at one table with 4 other people and I was at a table by myself doing work. He kept looking over at me and smiling so I smiled back at him. As his table was getting the check he came over and asked if he could sit down. We chatted for a bit and then swapped phone numbers. He asked me if I wanted to come join him at his table while they were finishing up their drinks and so I did because I was wrapping up too. He introduced me to his friends and then we all walked out to the parking lot together. His friends were getting together that night, and he invited me... I probably would have gone too but his friends didn't end up getting together and I had to work that night.

Next day. He texted me about going for a hike because we had talked about it the night before. I told him my family was getting together so I probably shouldn't but he was welcome to join us for dinner. So he came over and met all the family. When things were winding down with the family I asked if he wanted to watch a movie. So we found something to watch but inevitably, we start making out. We make out for awhile and he pulls me on top of his lap. So we are making out still and he is not making moves to go further or anything, but we are both trying to figure each other out. He says it is up to me. So like an idiot, I just say, well the bedroom is that way and so we head there. Well you know what comes next. I asked if he wanted a condom, and he said that is also up to me. Well I know it feels better for guys to not so I said I didn't care and we didn't end up using one. Once wasn't enough so we had to keep going at it again. He wanted to make sure that I enjoyed myself so I felt all pressured to try and make sure that happened (which by the way guys, doesn't help make it happen, it actually helps to be more relaxed about it and let it happen naturally if it is going to and not worry too much if it doesn't).

So he got a text from his mom after and said she was probably going to wonder where he was so we said goodnight and he said he would text me.
He texted a lot even though I told him my phone was basically for emergencies only (I have a pay-as-you-go plan and it is an old school phone so it takes me forever to text). So he has texted a lot and wanted to get together a lot this past week but I had to keep telling him no cause I had school. I told him I could get together thurs night because I didn't have school friday. So he comes over and we watch a tiny bit of a movie then it's on to making out and more sex. Not that it is bad or anything, I just feel like now it is going to have to be like that all the time now. He is way clingy and great he is affectionate like that, I'm just not used to it. I ended up spending the night at his house last night and we didn't have sex there (his parents were there is maybe why? But then it's perfectly fine to do that at my house if my parents are home so I don't get it, but I was actually glad that we didn't. I got myself good and drunk just in case, cause I'm not really into that much sex all the time call me crazy).

We went to breakfast this morning and he is a real gentleman, holding my hand all the time, holding doors open for me, paying for things even though I want to pay my share (I don't ever want a man to control the finances, cause that is when they are able to start controlling me, and I'm all like - no thanks, saw my parents do that and it sucked so I'll take a rain check on that one). He also kisses me in public a lot which I am not used to. Like when we are waiting for things and what not. I'm just not used to it and it freaks me out. Maybe I'll get used to it? He is really nice and everything. I like him. Just moving way to fast for me. After breakfast we went for a hike and he wanted to hold my hand the whole time and hike next to me even though the trail wasn't a very big one. I finally had to just go ahead of him but he kept trying to squeeze by my side and I just let him know about that finally. I think it hurt his feelings though, but I need to hike without a guy holding my hand. I just do. It's a thing. He held my hand on the way back even though it was way hot and sweaty and I was very uncomfortable about it but didn't say anything. Should I just adjust? Should I just get used to it all?

I don't know guys. I met him Sunday. We are already spending the nights together and having to have so much sex I don't think I will want to do this much longer. That is when in retrospect, I should have been like no. I mean, the fact is, I didn't say no, so I must not have wanted to stay with this guy. If I had said no, it would have meant I respected myself and therefore, him, and that I would want to wait and see how things worked out for a longer time. But he is already making plans for us for next march. I'm freaked out!!! And he wants to spend a lot of time with me but I really want to focus on school right now. He is clingy and almost smothering me. Seems like mom has a pretty good hold on him too if he won't even hike alone because it worries her too much. He is 31.

What do you guys think I should do!? How do I tell him nicely that he is smothering me, or do I just back way off and distance myself without saying anything??

[Mygrandjourney]

(I'm a guy)
So, have you had the opportunity to ask him any questions? (ex, past relationships, why he is living with his parents, etc)
How does he respond when you set a limit or hold a boundary with him? If he uses any coercive tactics (anger, veiled threats, etc), it may turn abusive. Please proceed with caution.

[QuirkyGirl99]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

I met this guy Sunday at a bar. He was at one table with 4 other people and I was at a table by myself doing work. He kept looking over at me and smiling so I smiled back at him. As his table was getting the check he came over and asked if he could sit down. We chatted for a bit and then swapped phone numbers. He asked me if I wanted to come join him at his table while they were finishing up their drinks and so I did because I was wrapping up too. He introduced me to his friends and then we all walked out to the parking lot together. His friends were getting together that night, and he invited me... I probably would have gone too but his friends didn't end up getting together and I had to work that night.

Next day. He texted me about going for a hike because we had talked about it the night before. I told him my family was getting together so I probably shouldn't but he was welcome to join us for dinner. So he came over and met all the family. When things were winding down with the family I asked if he wanted to watch a movie. So we found something to watch but inevitably, we start making out. We make out for awhile and he pulls me on top of his lap. So we are making out still and he is not making moves to go further or anything, but we are both trying to figure each other out. He says it is up to me. So like an idiot, I just say, well the bedroom is that way and so we head there. Well you know what comes next. I asked if he wanted a condom, and he said that is also up to me. Well I know it feels better for guys to not so I said I didn't care and we didn't end up using one. Once wasn't enough so we had to keep going at it again. He wanted to make sure that I enjoyed myself so I felt all pressured to try and make sure that happened (which by the way guys, doesn't help make it happen, it actually helps to be more relaxed about it and let it happen naturally if it is going to and not worry too much if it doesn't).

So he got a text from his mom after and said she was probably going to wonder where he was so we said goodnight and he said he would text me.
He texted a lot even though I told him my phone was basically for emergencies only (I have a pay-as-you-go plan and it is an old school phone so it takes me forever to text). So he has texted a lot and wanted to get together a lot this past week but I had to keep telling him no cause I had school. I told him I could get together thurs night because I didn't have school friday. So he comes over and we watch a tiny bit of a movie then it's on to making out and more sex. Not that it is bad or anything, I just feel like now it is going to have to be like that all the time now. He is way clingy and great he is affectionate like that, I'm just not used to it. I ended up spending the night at his house last night and we didn't have sex there (his parents were there is maybe why? But then it's perfectly fine to do that at my house if my parents are home so I don't get it, but I was actually glad that we didn't. I got myself good and drunk just in case, cause I'm not really into that much sex all the time call me crazy).

We went to breakfast this morning and he is a real gentleman, holding my hand all the time, holding doors open for me, paying for things even though I want to pay my share (I don't ever want a man to control the finances, cause that is when they are able to start controlling me, and I'm all like - no thanks, saw my parents do that and it sucked so I'll take a rain check on that one). He also kisses me in public a lot which I am not used to. Like when we are waiting for things and what not. I'm just not used to it and it freaks me out. Maybe I'll get used to it? He is really nice and everything. I like him. Just moving way to fast for me. After breakfast we went for a hike and he wanted to hold my hand the whole time and hike next to me even though the trail wasn't a very big one. I finally had to just go ahead of him but he kept trying to squeeze by my side and I just let him know about that finally. I think it hurt his feelings though, but I need to hike without a guy holding my hand. I just do. It's a thing. He held my hand on the way back even though it was way hot and sweaty and I was very uncomfortable about it but didn't say anything. Should I just adjust? Should I just get used to it all?

I don't know guys. I met him Sunday. We are already spending the nights together and having to have so much sex I don't think I will want to do this much longer. That is when in retrospect, I should have been like no. I mean, the fact is, I didn't say no, so I must not have wanted to stay with this guy. If I had said no, it would have meant I respected myself and therefore, him, and that I would want to wait and see how things worked out for a longer time. But he is already making plans for us for next march. I'm freaked out!!! And he wants to spend a lot of time with me but I really want to focus on school right now. He is clingy and almost smothering me. Seems like mom has a pretty good hold on him too if he won't even hike alone because it worries her too much. He is 31.

What do you guys think I should do!? How do I tell him nicely that he is smothering me, or do I just back way off and distance myself without saying anything??

Omg! He is 31 and his Mom texts him all the time? The fact that he answers to her like that concerns me. Apron springs are still way too attached! He sounds very clingy and obviously has no boundaries. I would also be concerned that he doesn't practice safe sex (I'm concerned for you as well).
Anyway, if you don't like something, you need to say so. Neither of you have decent boundaries, so it's up to you to set them! You can't go back and change the fact that you slept with him too soon. I think you should stop seeing him so much, or take some time away from him, in order to sort your feelings out. It's hard to stay objective when he's always around..

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[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Mygrandjourney

(I'm a guy)
So, have you had the opportunity to ask him any questions? (ex, past relationships, why he is living with his parents, etc)
How does he respond when you set a limit or hold a boundary with him? If he uses any coercive tactics (anger, veiled threats, etc), it may turn abusive. Please proceed with caution.

Hi mygrandjourney, thanks for answering! I haven't asked much about it. I did hear him say that he moved back from a different state after breaking up with a girl. This was in may, and since it seemed not long ago, I thought he might not want to talk about it if it were a painful breakup or sore subject or something. I should probably ask. I can't judge him about living with parents, I do too... But it is concerning to me that he won't go for a hike alone cause his mom would worry about him. He was ok with not getting together the other night cause I had homework. Said he would miss me but that it just made him all the more excited to see me next time. However, the texting thing, he just does not seem to understand. I hate being tied down to a phone. This is why I only have the bare minimum for emergencies.... I guess I could just not answer his texts, but that would be rude.

Also forgot to mention that he called in sick today so he could spend time with me. That freaked me out and I really should not have agreed to spend time with him today. I should have said that I had homework and we could just spent the time together going for a hike and breakfast or whatnot on Saturday. So that is a concern.

What do you guys think I should do!?

Since you asked, I think you should not see this guy again. He absolutely does not sound like someone you need in your life.

Hugs.

I met a guy a few weeks ago, seemed sweet and lovely, we chatted a lot got on well.We met in hospital of all places though. Once we both got out we went out a few times and decided to try it as a couple. He was buying all the drinks and food etc despite me keep on offering to pay my share. Was sweet but like you I prefer to pay my own way. But within a week he was moaning that we weren't spending the night together...I'm not judging anyone who sleeps with people quite quickly but it's just not something I do or feel comfortable with. So that was a red flag for me really..

He apologised the next day and it was kind of ok but then a couple of days later he said he wanted out basically.

I feel like I've gone off point slightly...

I just think that it's important to get to know someone more before you get so involved. Like just going out for a couple of drinks and chatting, go for a meal, watch a movie etc And then if after a while you feel comfortable with him then you can start thinking about where you want the relationship to go...

That's just how I would do it anyway.

It just seems like you hardly know anything about him.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

I met a guy a few weeks ago, seemed sweet and lovely, we chatted a lot got on well.We met in hospital of all places though. Once we both got out we went out a few times and decided to try it as a couple. He was buying all the drinks and food etc despite me keep on offering to pay my share. Was sweet but like you I prefer to pay my own way. But within a week he was moaning that we weren't spending the night together...I'm not judging anyone who sleeps with people quite quickly but it's just not something I do or feel comfortable with. So that was a red flag for me really..

He apologised the next day and it was kind of ok but then a couple of days later he said he wanted out basically.

I feel like I've gone off point slightly...

I just think that it's important to get to know someone more before you get so involved. Like just going out for a couple of drinks and chatting, go for a meal, watch a movie etc And then if after a while you feel comfortable with him then you can start thinking about where you want the relationship to go...

That's just how I would do it anyway.

It just seems like you hardly know anything about him.

That is great what you wrote and I think it is a better way to do things like that. I don't know why I can't seem to. Maybe I'm beginning to learn that as far as the first couple dates go - they should be to a restaurant or out for a couple drinks and chatting like you say. I find that if I go over to a guys house or if they come over to mine - if it is to "hang out" or "watch a movie" - it never seems to go well for me. I like the guy alright, just should have tried to set a few boundaries I guess. I think the guy means well. Maybe I just don't understand guys...

[divine1966]

If the guy is truly interested in you he would want to get to know, have conversations, go out, do activities etc instead he sleeps with you the very next day. There is really no need to go to each other houses the very next day or even next week. You literally know nothing about each other! What does he do for a living?


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[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If the guy is truly interested in you he would want to get to know, have conversations, go out, do activities etc instead he sleeps with you the very next day. There is really no need to go to each other houses the very next day or even next week. You literally know nothing about each other! What does he do for a living?


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Well, I don't know how guys work. I think a guy can probably want to sleep with a girl no matter what - however much or how little they know about her does not matter so much. He works in a warehouse. And we did go to the same school in high school (we didn't know each other then though) so I guess that means I know some things about him right? He seems like a nice guy, I'm just getting really freaked out. He texts saying he is thinking of me all the time and how he can't stop thinking of me. And I know I'm probably just being petty about things but it freaks me out too that he has the same name as my dad. I know I can't base the decision just off that, but it is just creepy to me to be dating a guy with the same name as my dad. I don't want to date anyone even remotely like my dad. Do you guys think I am just being to petty about things? He is real nice and I like to spend time with him. Guess I need to get better about my boundaries. What should I do about him having the same name as my dad though? His name is never going to change. How can I think about it differently? Ideas?

[divine1966]

There is a difference between wanting sex and doing it. Sure guys might want to sleep with a girl but it doesn't necessarily mean they are going to do it the first time they meet her.

In my experience decent responsible men would control themselves a bit. Date a girl for awhile. At least give it few dates! Especially if he wants a relationship not just sex. He sounds a bit immature

It also worries me that at 31 he thinks it's ok to have unprotected sex with someone the next day you meet them ? Does he not know about STDs?

He might be a nice guy but something just sounds off.

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[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by divine1966

There is a difference between wanting sex and doing it. Sure guys might want to sleep with a girl but it doesn't necessarily mean they are going to do it the first time they meet her.

In my experience decent responsible men would control themselves a bit. Date a girl for awhile. At least give it few dates! Especially if he wants a relationship not just sex. He sounds a bit immature

It also worries me that at 31 he thinks it's ok to have unprotected sex with someone the next day you meet them ? Does he not know about STDs?

He might be a nice guy but something just sounds off.

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Well, I mean, that is what I thought. I figured he was just looking to ask me what I wanted to be nice and not try and pressure me. But I find it kind of a turn off in a guy to put a girl in that situation in the first place. And if the tables were turned, I would think it a good thing for a guy to say he did not feel comfortable going any further. Cause you are right, if a person wants the relationship and not just sex, they are willing to wait a little while at least a few dates. It's been quite a long time since I was with a guy who wanted anything other than just sex so it might be hard for me to tell the difference.

To be fair, I am immature too. He is younger than me by a year though so I don't see how it is going to work out if he is immature as well since he is already younger than me. But like I said, I'm immature too. I should have insisted he wear a condom. I had them after all, guys just don't seem like they want to. It was a dumb decision made in a matter of about a minute. I think a responsible guy would probably insist on wearing one and probably even be carrying them around with them if they were thinking about sleeping with someone. I'm going to go get tested next week at the college. STI's are detectable any time after sex right?

[Gavinandnikki]

You're going to get pregnant.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

You're going to get pregnant.

Gosh give me some credit, I'm not that dumb. He pulled out. I did let him know I was not on birth control.

[Bill3]

It is possible to get pregnant even if he pulled out.

He held my hand on the way back even though it was way hot and sweaty and I was very uncomfortable about it but didn't say anything. Should I just adjust? Should I just get used to it all?

No you should not just adjust and get used to it all.

You should speak your mind and not let him (or any guy) do stuff to you that you don't want.

[divine1966]

No stds are not always detectable that soon. HIV might take several months to detect. And as you know at this time there is no reliable cure for HIV

Pulling out isn't a good birth control method at all.
But now it's a question of safety. You should put your life in danger because he might not like condoms?. Well sure men don't like it ( neither do women) but they also don't like having std.

You had another option. If you two don't want condoms. Do testing for HIV and other things, both of you. That would require a bit of waiting.

Well I know sometimes it's hard to tell the difference if men just want sex, but not going to bed with a woman the next day is usually a good sign

Now there is no judgement. I did stupid stuff in young years too but you do need to start thinking of safety and about your future

Also don't worry about his name. Of all potentially serious issues this one is not important. Give him a nickname

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[unaluna]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

Gosh give me some credit, I'm not that dumb. He pulled out. I did let him know I was not on birth control.

Reminds me of a joke from my days - you know what they call people who use the pull-out method for birth control?

Parents.

I am glad you found a nice friend, but please start using condoms, and just try to be polite - that will solve many of your problems. How would you politely tell someone you dont like their name? Or that the path isnt wide enough for two? Or to please use a condom? I dont think he would object to anything - he seems to enjoy your company. If you enjoy his - he seems to try to treat you right - i would say, dont mind us old fogies! But do be safe and get some info from your college on safe sex and saying yes. :

[angelicgoldfish05]

Hey thanks guys. I guess I'm quite naive which is sad. Now I wish we really had not done that and I'm going to tell him I want to give it time before we do it again (like time to get tested now fml)! So I can get my head on straight cause apparently, it was not at the time. I hope I don't get pregnant now! Gosh I hate this worry. This happened with a different guy before (and I still did not get tested from him, it was 4 months ago and I didn't get pregnant and also now STI symptoms...although I get some have no symtoms)... You would think I would learn. I hate my lack of boundaries and worrying more about the other person then myself. It would be nice if he had worried about me more than himself and just did not put us in the situation in the first place. But really he is quite immature. I have a feeling I am going to have to mother him. Which sucks.

He does not appear to have much going as far as a life outside of work and family. It appears this way because I ask him if he wants to do something today and he says - sure, I'll be right over! I'm all. Wait. No. I just wanted to talk about it and maybe meet up somewhere. I can see this is going to be problematic all around. Today we are just going to get a bite to eat and talk. That's it! Then I'm going to the library to do homework. I realize now just how much of a turn off it is to be always available. Even when he has work, calling in sick to work just because a girl you met 5 days ago has the day off is just down right irresponsible. But then again. I don't get any real sense that this guy is terribly responsible in the first place. I have a list of questions I'm going to make a priority to ask in the upcoming days. I wonder if he has ever lived alone, had his own place, or did he just move out with the girl. If he just moved out with the girl, and she took care of everything, he did not learn how to take care of himself. I'm a caretaker, but I do have my limits. I know I want to go into a profession that utilizes my strengths as a caretaker. But I do not want to have to do it 24/7 with a guy who is unable to care for himself.

[divine1966]

Good thinking

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[Mygrandjourney]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

Well, I don't know how guys work. I think a guy can probably want to sleep with a girl no matter what - however much or how little they know about her does not matter so much. He works in a warehouse. And we did go to the same school in high school (we didn't know each other then though) so I guess that means I know some things about him right? He seems like a nice guy, I'm just getting really freaked out. He texts saying he is thinking of me all the time and how he can't stop thinking of me. And I know I'm probably just being petty about things but it freaks me out too that he has the same name as my dad. I know I can't base the decision just off that, but it is just creepy to me to be dating a guy with the same name as my dad. I don't want to date anyone even remotely like my dad. Do you guys think I am just being to petty about things? He is real nice and I like to spend time with him. Guess I need to get better about my boundaries. What should I do about him having the same name as my dad though? His name is never going to change. How can I think about it differently? Ideas?

I can't speak for all guys, but I know how I work!
If I see an attractive woman, I must admit, sexual thoughts enter my mind. That does not necessarily mean I want to spend my whole life with her; there is a difference. In my history, getting sexually intimate too quickly has led to relationships that flamed out just as quickly. Once the chemistry dissipated and "real life" starting coming into play, there wasn't enough there to sustain a meaningful relationship.

[angelicgoldfish05]

didn't get pregnant (thanks God), though still need to get std tested at the health center. I stopped talking to the guy and he's only contacted me a couple times by email. its been 8 days since I wrote him back. I'm thinking of writing him back and hoped to get some feedback.

I'm planning to let him know I haven't written back because of a couple reasons. First that I haven't written because I've been busy with school and didn't want to keep having to tell him no I couldn't get together. That said, I wouldn't mind getting together Saturday night. I'll let him know that I'm getting an iud for bc and still want to get tested for stds before having sex again, however the sex is just going to be sex for me. When it happens on date one, the day after I met some one it rarely leads to a relationship. Which speaking of, I don't want one right now. That I just want to date but since we already had sex I guess I can't take that off the table but we have to use a condom until I get the iud which won't be for a month. I don't want to worry about getting pregnant I have enough on my mind. I also want him to know I'm not closed to a relationship in the future, I just was not planning on one right now and don't want one because school is so hard for me and I need to put that first. I would feel bad all the time for treating him poorly because he wouldn't be a priority to me no matter how much I liked him. If we just date and go out every now and then, it takes the pressure off (relationships are stressful for me) and isn't serious.

I'm also not used to talking to a guy every day let alone multiple times a day and won't respond. I feel bad but I can't do that much closeness at this time. It pushes me further away because I don't respond to that level of communication. He really doesn't know me, I've been through a lot, I don't want to talk about it, and I'm used to being alone most of the time. I haven't dated anyone for 3 years. I like him, but he should really take time to get to know me before diving head first into anything. I hate to burst his bubble but it's just the reality. He says we are into the same things but he totally just assumed that, he didn't actually take the time to learn who I am or what I like. If it's just sex, that's fine, whatever. But as for a relationship, if that was the preview, I'm not ready for the movie to come out yet. I'm still getting to know him and I would like to take my time doing so.

What do you guys think, am I saying too much? How does it sound? Guys how would you take it if you got a message like that? Thanks for your replies and help with this.

[Bill3]

I think that you can and should take sex off the table if that is what you want to do.

[divine1966]

If you don't a relationship I recommend to not have sex

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[unaluna]

Guys can be sensitive - i think you are giving too much detail and trying to micro-manage him. You could say you were sorry for being out of touch but you were busy with school and stuff, then see if he wants to get together on saturday. If the answer is yes, then MAYBE talk about slowing things down when you see him, if he brings up wanting to get together again sooner than you want. Maybe he is fine with these 8 days off - maybe he was rushing or pushing to see you more because he thought thats what YOU wanted. Saying "the sex is for me" - not sure what that means?!

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Saying "the sex is for me" - not sure what that means?!

Thanks for your reply. It was actually that the "sex would just be sex for me" meaning that it would just be for its own sake and not meaning anything. Isn't that what guys do all the time? Just have sex and it doesn't have any emotional connection? I don't want the emotional connection anymore. So if it happens then it is just going to be kind of a whatever approach and has no meaning to me.

As for giving lots of detail, it's a control thing. I think when I get together in person I'll tend to just go along with what he wants out of habit. Someone brought up a good point though that he might be doing those things because he thinks that is what I want. He really has no idea about me and who I am or what I want. I get that it isn't about me so much if it is a relationship, but this isn't one. I reserve the right to be selfish. Hence the specifics about what I want in regards to even contacting him again. How will he know what I want unless I tell him?

[divine1966]

To answer your questions if guys have sex all the time with no emotional connection. Not all guys and not all the time. Both men and women sometimes have sex with no emotional connection. But if he likes you and has feelings and you don't I don't think you should have sex with him.

I really am confused on this situation. If you like him then go ahead date him perhaps slowing down a bit but if you aren't into him then why even bother? Also simply not replying isn't s good idea. Why not politely reply that you are busy with school and will get back to him in few days. If somebody keeps contacting you not replying for 8 days is excessive. You don't need to see him if you are busy. 8 days not seeing is ok but not replying?

. I don't see my BF often as we both have busy schedule and live quite a distance but if I didn't call or write back he'd think I died or something. Now you might say he isn't a BF but you already sleep together, saw each other almost daily and you introduced him to your family etc etc . But then you refuse to reply for over a week. If a man did that how would that look?

The whole story confuses me

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