Nothing's changed - they still can't get over my looks

Seems life has come full circle, now with more devastating consequences.

Since I can remember, I always just knew and felt everyone had a problem with me.

When I was a boy, it was because I was too soft and not tough enough. Then at school, I gained weight (because I was told I was too thin and anorexic) by basically being fed soda and chocolate every day. So, the kids mocked me for being fat.

Then at high school, I was too smart, too much of a nerd, still fat and not social enough, didn't play enough sports, so I was once again marked as a weakling.

Now at university, being constantly rejected by everyone, I have no friends at all, literally nobody. Can't strike up a conversation with colleagues, then they find an excuse to get rid of me, can't get anyone to even spend five minutes in my company, they are "too busy".

Why don't they just say it already? YOU'RE TOO FAT AND HIDEOUS TO BE LOVED you asshole!!!

How many more times is my pathetic mind going to justify the absolute crap excuses I get from these people? Oh, maybe they are too busy, maybe they do have something else on, yeah, and then see them sitting 30 minutes later with another friend having lunch.

Is this all I mean to others? Just a fat guy? No other redeemable qualities whatsoever? Can't even be my friend for 5 minutes?

At this point, I'd rather be a dog or a cat than a human, because even they get attention. Nobody cares that they are full of ticks and fleas, sand and dust, and crap on the living room carpet. Nobody cares that they lick their own balls and anuses and then lick people in the mouth afterwards.

Oh goodness, just realized how pathetic I am, being jealous of an animal for goodness sake. Oh well.

I just don't see the point anymore. Nobody is ever going to give me a chance. It's all just looks, looks and looks.

I am not even a respected researcher anymore. My promoters don't even think I can do my project and get my PhD anymore. Maybe they are right, maybe I should just quit. It's not like I'll ever be respected by anyone, everywhere I go it's just fat, fat, fat is bad, bad, bad.

All I long for is for someone to give me a chance to show them I am more than just a fat guy. I'm a human too, with talents and skills and gifts and capable of doing things for others, and bringing joy into their lives. But, alas, I guess that chance I will never see before I enter the grave. Maybe it won't take much longer.

I really feel for you. People are so cruel. The fact of the matter is that society is too pathetic and stupid to have the capacity to care about somebody even remotely outside of the social norm.

People like us belong in a different universe entirely. Humanity just isn't evolved and advanced enough to be able to handle us yet.

I forgot where you live but where I live weight isn't something that turns people off that much as everyone here is on a heavier side. I am surprised looks matter that much where you live. I've met some unusually looking men like very short or very heavy and no one cares.

My BF is overweight. I do worry about his health but I am not bothered by how he looks. Heck he has bad Tourette's and I don't care. And no one else does either. Are people very intolerant where you are at?

It's not just me not caring about looks. Most people I know aren't that great looking whatsoever yet they find someone to date or be friends with . It only matters in very young age. Well not even then. Even teenagers date others who aren't good looking at all.

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Yeah, where I am (S. Africa) looks are in general not a big thing. But, it must be something local here where I live in this particular town. It's a university town, with mostly young people, all attractive and slim. One quickly begins to feel like an outsider when you look around and see no-one else like you, and when people "show" you they don't want anything to do with you. Also, you can be easily replaced by someone "better". There is an endless choice of young people to hang out with, one prettier and more cool than the next, and let's face it - who's going to hang out with a fat shy guy when you can get a lot more fun with someone spunky, cool and attractive?

I am sorry you are hurting. People do like to hang out with others with upbeat personalities but I doubt they care about looks. Are there any associations for people with ASD where you live? So you can meet others?

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Glad to report - today was a good day for me so far! I made a new friend, can't actually believe it, it's still so unreal that this person actually agreed we spend some time together over lunch later this week.

Made some headway with the project at university too.

Wish I could have more days like this!

There probably are, but when you're depressed you just cannot seem to muster the effort to find out, or you convince yourself there will be a negative result.

Oh how wonderful

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Lunch/coffee dates with friends definitely constitute as "busy" so... when you see someone out for lunch and you feel like they bailed on you? They likely had those plans already made - just like you now have for later this week!

Depression definitely gets in the way. When you're depressed, do you slack off on hygiene? That's more of a turn-off for people than someone's body size when it comes to making friends.

Are you trying to be friends with people who are a lot younger than you? I'm not clear on that as you are in a university area. You're not working on the same degree as younger students from the sounds of it. Different age gaps and life situations do tend to play a role in developing friendships.

Some of the most confident and well respected people I know are heavy. They look amazing and some of those people have the best put-together looks I have seen! They pay attention to their appearance, but it isn't the size that influences how people percieve them, but how they take care of themselves. They are by leaps and bounds more attractive than I am - because when I'm depressed/exhausted/anxious I totally throw out "put together a nice outfit" and end up with no make-up, hair a disaster (my hair hates to cooperate on the best of days) and fairly random clothes tossed on. But when I'm doing fine, I'm more on par (I always do minimal make up really, I'm never 100% "put together"... joys of being female...).

Not when they tell you they are going to work on their project and have no time for lunch, LOL. Then whilst supposedly "working on their project" you see them in the coffee shop with another friend.

Ummm...not really. I try to dress neatly too. But, yes, that's understandable, as your mind is in "emergency" or "coping to stay alive" mode.

Again, not really. These are my colleagues I'm referring to. In fact, the person who is now going to have lunch with me is a bit younger than me.

I've always struggled with people exactly my own age. Younger or older always works for me. I get along better with professors for example than peers.

Well, that kind of proves my point, doesn't it? It's all about looks!

And, the thing is, I think you'll find if you did a survey that even though they do look really attractive being heavy set, they still have fewer friends than the normal thin person.

From what I read about what you are saying, you sound to me to be someone who thinks a little different. Just by you saying that you sometimes (when you are depressed) will go out in thrown together clothing and not do your hair/makeup shows me that you are not shallow and don't base everything on looks like these other judgmental people. I'm telling you, those people would not be caught dead doing that!

All that this is, is a way to try and force people who don't care about fads and fashion, to care about fads and fashion by the exclusion principle. If you don't play along to the rules of the game, you get kicked out in other words. It's sad, but that's the human race for you.

Are you waiting for possible friends to come to you? What are you actively doing to pursue friendships? Is it possible you have been misconstruing aquaintanceships for friendships?

Just the thoughts that immediately come to my mind.

I have no problem with people of large size. In fact it's the opposite, I don't have a lot of respect for those that are thin just for the sake of being fashionable. I loathe other women and girls who flaunt their appearance. It is just so fake. I look at people of average and larger sizes as being more honest and attractive.

What I don't like is people who just don't care about themselves and their appearance. One doesn't have to have the latest fashion (again, I almost disrespect this) but one should make an effort to be well put together. I don't expect people to visit the gym, but I think they should be active - even if it's just walking.
So, that is what I find physically active.

But attractiveness for me goes well beyond the physical. I am most attracted to people who believe in themselves. I am also attracted to people who are gregarious. And then I really like people who like people. Such people are a boost to my self esteem and fit in with my own exroverted nature.

I hate to say it but I find myself avoiding people who are shy or really down on themselves. I have my own issues, I just don't want to be brought down by theirs. I do have a few aquaintances I am always building up and am their only source of socialization but I will honestly say the suck energy and I regulate the time I specd with them. I dislike those who are vain and conceited. And what I dislike most is those who don't make an effort for self care.

I am almost 50 and never heard that heavier people have fewer friends? Really? Where?

Also I think it's a judgement implying that people who are put together are shallow? So if somebody looks a bit disheveled they are somehow less shallow? I would be caught dead ( quoting you) not looking good, but how is it make me shallow? Liking nice clothes and make up etc makes people shallow? That's stereotyping

How do you figure that? I understand you are struggling making friends but maybe so many black and white statements and judgements interfere with it?

You are saying people judge your looks but don't you yourself judge?

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If you judge me, you open the door and give me every right to judge you right back.

If you stereotype me, I stereotype right back.

If you judge me by ridiculous standards, I will judge you by even more ridiculous standards.

I did not ask for it, and certainly did not want it, yet I got it anyway. For that, I will thus demand satisfaction and recompense in return, by giving what was not expected of me. By receiving you give, by giving you receive.

If you want to understand me, if the world wants to understand me, understand and believe that I am a mirror which reflects every image cast upon me.

Truly, me being fat says more about the world's own fears than my own. It is them that fear for me, not me for me. It is them who have a problem with it. I am here, I exist, I am an image, why must I take issue against myself? A kingdom divided against itself cannot last.

The fact of the matter is, the world wants me to change the way I look, and now everyone is just trying to convince me it's because they care about me, which is not true. They hate me, because I bring something to the table which they cannot digest. The reason they want me to change is because they cannot find it in themselves to accept me for who I am. Why do I have to be thin to be accepted? Surely, when you really look at it, it is them that have the problem with it, not me.

I have a problem with the fact that they have a problem with me. Nobody had to have a problem with me, nobody was forced to have a problem with me, yet they chose to.

And I'll tell you now exactly why they have a problem with me, because it's all based on the one thing on which every single "problem" is based - fear. They fear that if they mingle with me, they have somehow contaminated their standards, which places them in a bad light in society. Mixing with the fat is like mixing with a leper, an alcoholic, a drug addict - you are judged by the people you mingle with. It's that fear of being seen as lower in society because they mixed with a fattie, dated a fattie, or loved a fattie. Just like they won't be caught without their make-up and dress-sense.

Watch this

It's my favourite advert. Women who are fat, old, young, have a disability, exercising. I love it. You don't have to look a certain way.

StbGuy, I did a PhD about 20 years ago and I know what you're saying. I was so happy when I finished and got a job. Workplaces are so different. Universities are not an accurate reflection of the outside world. It's cliquey, like school. Workplaces can be a little like that, but not as bad. There are single people, divorced, old, young, bald, fat, super fit, attractive, whatever. More variety. Humanity can be cruel but it can also be wonderful. I hope you find happiness in your own skin and someone who loves you for you.

When you get older the only reason you worry that your partner or lover is heavy is because you love them and don't want them to die of a heart attack. It doesn't stop you from loving them.

Hope things get better for you soon StbGuy, hang on in there.

This Girl Can is a brilliant campaign, love that video thanks Little Cat.

Why on earth would you want to converse with them anyway? They sound like total pricks.
Alright, I'm going to get serious for just one moment.
I believe your insecurities are warping your perception. You feel as though people will see you as your "flaws" and ridicule you, which makes conversation rather difficult. Because you cannot communicate well with others, people find it hard to connect with you. Their behavior is then used to fuel the idea that they only see your flaws, which of course causes you to fret over them even more. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I am not familiar with you, nor am I claiming to be. I know only what has been presented and, therefore, my assumptions are based solely upon that information.

I am really wondering if your perception is clouded a bit. And is a bit unrealistic. I know a lot of people of all ages. I never heard people being afraid of contamination if they associate with heavier people. Nobody looks down on me or think I am lower in society because I love heavy guy or have heavy friends!

If people have problem with you could it be something else? Not weight? I really wonder why do you think people want you to be thin? What people? I've been thinner and heavier in life and people didn't look at me any different.

I do believe therapy might be very helpful for you

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Congratulations! You are an insightful person, when you want to be. That means there is real hope for you.

People aren't going to like you when you don't like people. You have judged everyone around you as being too superficial to see past externalities. Why should they want to know you? You think so poorly of them.

There are fat people who do have friends. And everyone in the world is not totally superficial. You don't know what people are like because you haven't gotten to know hardly any people.

So make the most of this new connection you've established. Then start telling yourself that you can have a circle of friends, if - and only if - you are willing to invest a heck of a lot more effort than you've been putting out. And, yes, that's hard to do when you are depressed - very hard. I totally get that. Plus, in the beginning, you won't be too good at it. You're way behind on the learning curve. And you'll get some rejections. So you move on and try other people.

It took some talent to even make it in to the graduate program you are in. If your instructors are losing faith in you, it's because they don't see you putting forth the requisite effort. Graduate work is very hard. (I know because I tried it for a year and packed it in.) But ask yourself, "What are you going to do instead?"

So decide that life is all about working for what you want and trying and trying and more trying. Be glad you're not on an assembly line somewhere doing some boring-@$$ job with no hope of your opportunities ever changing.

Another thing: It is more and more true today that, in order to get anywhere, you need people to vouch for you. So start doing whatever you can to impress those professors and instructors that you at least have some interest and enthusiasm for the research they are supervising you in. Right now, you sound like you don't have much interest in anything. No one wants to hang around with a person like that, no matter how thin you might be. In order to be interesting, you have be interested. That gets built on a lot of tedious work.

See if you can be useful doing some tutoring of struggling undergraduates. It can be confidence building to help someone less able than yourself.

I've always liked people, I've always tried with people, and I've always tried to connect with people. Don't dare anyone accuse me of being rude, unkind, uncaring, uninterested. It's all I've done for 20 years long, and it was never good enough!

These people are exactly like my dad and all the other damn narcissists I've had to deal with over the years. Nothing is ever their fault, it all lies with me.

Why do I then search within me for the answers and find none? Made me think - maybe the answer doesn't lie with me after all. Hell, if you look in the fridge and you still don't find the car keys, then maybe the car keys aren't lying in the damn fridge.

It takes two people to make it work, not just me. All I do is give, give, give, and they just take, then leave. Well, I'm done! I'm sick of this! I'm not trying one damn little bit anymore. I've had enough!

They started this whole mess. If you don't like me, then tell me, but take responsibility for it, don't try to make it my fault if you don't like me. I'm sick and tired of taking responsibility for other people's fears.

I will no longer be an emotional dumping ground for demons that haunt the lives of others.

This is why the world is the way it is today, and all this crap you see happening will never improve as long as people are asleep. It will just get worse and the world WILL be destroyed.

It seems I'm talking to the walls as usual, because nobody seems to listen to what I'm saying. I'm not going to repeat myself a thousand times in different ways for people to understand. I've explained myself enough now.

Moderators - please - I want this thread closed.

Well, that's how my day is going. I read the entire thread and now the author wants it closed.

I have no words of wisdom, except that I think I hear you. Even when I know that people at least tolerate or ignore my looks, being "tolerated" can really suck and kinda ruin your day.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know the feeling.

I'm sorry people are judging you the way they judge me. I relate so much with what you say, it is sad. Thank you for your posts, especially the above. Thank you for saying it.

I have seen photos and you are not unattractive.

I don't know how you look but the very fact that you are studying for your Ph.D. says a lot about your high abilities. For sure don't associate with people who judge your looks. That's totally not a good crowd. Hopefully when you done with school you can start working with intelligent people with the same level of education and you can connect with them. Maybe older people. With age looks become less and less important

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Yes, people in your past have been horrid.

But you seem to treat NEW people with the belief that they're going to be the same. So they will be - you'll somehow push them away from you. Combine that with the perfectly normal chance that a lot of people just won't be interested, and it will definitely seem overwhelming.

We do listen to you - all the posts in this thread show that they're listening to you. But none of us actually know what goes on in the heads of the people that you're angry with. We can't.

But you keep coming back to people turning away from you because you're fat. Will some people? Yes, some people will. But not EVERYONE which is what you seem to believe happens.

Your earlier post about how you're giving back to others what they give you - and then amplifying it? Well, that definitely has an impact on things. Are you treating new people the way that past people have treated you? Because that's a sure fire way to ensure that they will not want to be friends with you - because no one likes to be treated the way that you have been treated in the past.

It's hard, but each new person deserves a clean slate. Will it likely result in tons of repeated bad situations? Sure will - most of us have a habit of being drawn to the same types of people, which includes people who are either not compatable with us or those who will hurt us. I definitely do that! For the life of me, I can't pick up on it until I'm already in deep enough to be hurt. And then voila, repeat bad scenario! But, I try my best to go into new things giving that person 100% chance. Am I perfect at doing that? Hellllll no, and I've definitely sabotaged potential friendships and relationships from it!

It's funny you should mention that. I find it almost apropos and kind of pathetic that these same people who consider themselves so beautiful in their 20's will be the same people who hate their looks in their 50's and spend thousands of dollars on "cosmetic enhancements".