[arbbarb]

Hello, and thank you for allowing me to join the PsychCentral community!

A little background first-- I have been struggling for a little more than a year with my relationship of over four years, which has lead me to various self help books about relationships as well as personal growth. Both my partner and I are ages hovering around 30 (I am a little younger, he's a little older).

My question involves romantic compatibility between two individuals. In my reading, I have observed a major focus on improving communication, commitment, compromise and growth, etc. to produce a healthy romantic relationship. But these are the same books that talk about repairing a stagnant relationship in which a strong initial attraction and connection has faded. What about the scenario in which a couple never experienced that strong initial attraction that some describe as lust, chemistry, or a honeymoon period?

There is so much negative attention on couples of this generation because we avoid the "fix instead of forget" approach by simply ending relationships. But everyone's situation is different. In a relationship with no physical or emotional abuse, is there a line that should be drawn based on romantic compatibility? If so, how can a person identify it? And is there a time-line in which such a conclusion should be reached? Certainly my relationship has not lacked the attempt of duration.

Thank you in advance for any feedback or experiences that you are able to share!

[ChipperMonkey]

Hi and welcome!

Have you had other relationships where you've experienced chemistry?

I personally don't understand the "relationship" where there isn't chemistry or lust of some sort. It seems like you'd just be having sexual relations with a friend of sorts.

What is the glue that keeps you two together if there's no chemistry? I understand that you probably have a deep feeling of love for this person, but obviously you feel that something is indeed missing from your relationship or else you wouldn't be reading so many self-help books and you wouldn't be posting on this forum.

The truth is that there is no substitution for chemistry. You can't fake it. Its either there or it isn't. Some relationships start off with tons of chemistry from the beginning, others take some time for that chemistry to grow. However, I don't know if I'd stick it out in a relationship that has no chemistry, lust, whatever at any point.....because I simply wouldn't see the point. Well, it seems like there would be much missing from the relationship. That's not to say that one can't RE-kindle the chemistry....but I think it has to have existed in the first place. You've got nothing, right?

Maybe I'm way off here, but it seems like you're trying to fix the chemistry part, but to be honest, that's not something you can fix. You can't create chemistry when there is none.....especially if there's no spark after 4 years (and there never was).

Um, I TOO don't understand starting a relationship without chemistry. What on earth brought the two of you together? I can only imagine what sexual relations must mean for you. A sense of obligation comes to mind. When you DO have relations is it pleasing? Do you have a sense of gratification? Or is it something you would rather avoid?

I'm sorry to not give you the news you want but in no way does a romantic bond come with time.

Perhaps maybe we are talking about two individuals differing expectations of what romance is all about.

Question: How do you view sexual relations and a relationship in general? What do you consider is a wife's role in a relationship?

[arbbarb]

Thanks for the response CM!

More frequently than not I have allowed myself to be pursued rather than seek out a partner myself, and that likely plays a major role in the lack of chemistry that I feel.

I have experienced chemistry before, not frequently though. Once or twice it was not reciprocated and another time it took a few weeks to develop but the relationship lasted several years. Does "chemistry" count when it's not reciprocated? Can you tell? I feel like I knew but did not want to face the truth when it was not reciprocated for me, which is why it's confusing to me that my partner has reacted as though he's been blind-sided when I finally mustered up the courage to tell him that our relationship "doesn't feel right" to me a couple of months ago.

Unfortunately you are correct. I feel like friends in this relationship (and have in most past relationships too). Passion, intimacy, and sex are all lacking. It's hard to express the lack of chemistry to my partner since we have been together for several years without me communicating any issues including my feeling of missingness until recently. He wants to change to fix us and I am afraid that we are just putting on a show of being in love... Hence the self help books and posting.

[divine1966]

If you don't feel romantic passionate or intimate then maybe you two could be friends. In that case I would keep him as a friend but not as a romantic partner

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[arbbarb]

Thank you for your response too rcat! I wasn't looking for any news in particular, so no need for apologies.

Reflecting, I probably just wanted a friend when I started dating this man (new city, recently romantically rejected, only local friend started seeing someone and distanced herself, etc).

You are spot on with "obligation" for sexual relations. This view is becoming dated though, as I am recognizing I actually do have sexual needs that are not being met. You can imagine this change being a surprise to me! When they rarely do occur, our sexual relations are neither pleasing nor gratifying. But the majority of my sexual encounters have not been sensual at all so I wasn't really expecting this relationship to be any different.

Before answering your question, I first want to tell you how conflicted I felt writing these responses.
-I want to view sex as a way to share emotion and passion in a relationship. But instead I think I have been viewing it as a way for a mate to affirm his attraction toward me? That sounds terrible.

-Shared emotion and support are important to me in all relationships. In romantic relationships I think additional factors that should be shared are intimacy (physical and emotional) and growth (personal and relationship). In my current relationship I think the most sharing we experience is the sharing of space, physical objects, and meals.

-Finally, my view of a wife I guess is dated and based on the homemaker and child-rearing mentality. Which is not what I want.

[vonmoxie]

I'm a fan of being great friends first who recognize a connection but want to build the friendship first. When I first met my late husband we hung out all the time as friends, but good friends, just the two of us doing all kinds of stuff, and when we finally got together a year later and then married 4 years after that, we always had the loyalty of the friendship -- less volatile than the loyalty of only romantic connection in my opinion -- to rely on. Made for a really solid relationship. Plenty of love, and chemistry too -- even without having explored that sort of thing early on. Maybe we were just lucky; there's probably always some luck involved, but with love all things really are possible.

[arbbarb]

Thank you divine.

The problem I have with keeping him as a friend is that he is NOT on the same page as me with this. When I told him how I felt about us not working out, he was absolutely devastated. I am not convinced though that he just doesn't want to be alone-- not necessarily with me.

[arbbarb]

Thank you vonmoxie.

I'm sorry to hear about your late husband; it sounds like you two had a beautiful relationship. My partner and I are showing no signs of chemistry after four years. Was there anything that changed between you and your husband to allow such romance to grow from your initial friendship?

[ChipperMonkey]

It's ok to be the type of person who lets others pursue them. However, your responsibility in playing this role is to actively CHOOSE your partner and it seems as if this part is missing, perhaps you just continued on because things were great on his part and you aren't accustomed to voicing your thoughts/opinions.

I can see why he feels blindsided. It sounds like he had chemistry for you (because let's face it, most guys won't stick it out with a woman they only see as a friend and have no chemistry with from the beginning. Err won't stick it out in a relationship that is.

I think your best bet may be to move on. Telling him you never had any chemistry with him would probably crush him. Perhaps restate your feelings in a more gentile way?

I think if you stay in this relationship then in the future you will regret it as it will devolve into you and him living as roommates.

Chemistry doesn't really count when it's one sided. That's more along the lines of lusting after someone who only sees you as a friend.

Edited again....

Sorry I misread your post.

Ok so you have had only a few instances of chemistry in this relationship and he has had none? Yeah, you're living as friends who are masquerading as partners it seems. (To me).

Of course there are all kinds of relationships out there, but this one isn't built on romantic love. It's built on friendship type love it seems (which can admittedly go very deep).

But no romance? No spark?

You'll have to decide if you want this type of relationship.

How is the sex department? I don't understand having sex with someone when there's no spark. Is it purely mechanical?

[Mygrandjourney]

The bottom line, IMHO, is are you both in agreement with the current status quo? Are you OK with this arrangement and is your partner? There are lots of couples who stay together under these conditions, but there has to be some mutual understanding and agreement about it. If you or your partner aren't satisfied, then some sort of decision will eventually be made either tacitly (e.g., an affair or break up by another name) or verbally about the future of the relationship.

[arbbarb]

CM-- Thank you again.

I think you read my response correctly the first time. I was describing other relationships in which I have felt chemistry in the past. I have no recollection of any feelings I can describe as chemistry in my current relationship. I agree that my current partner probably does feel some kind of chemistry; I'm not sure if he has felt chemistry with others in the past.

Sex is mechanical. And sparse. Recently (6-8 weeks ago) we talked about how the lack of frequency bothers both of us, but neither of has has tried to change anything. When I brought sex issues up, he first apologized for being awkward in the bedroom. And he is, but with him so am I... So I apologized too. Not all of my sex has been mediocre or awkward, but I did not feel this was appropriate to share with him during our heart-to-heart.

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Thank you for your input mgj!

I thought that I was okay with this as my relationship scenario for a while. For three years, in fact. I noticed and said nothing. But our status quo really has been a source of serious anxiety and self-deterioration for me over the past year. I have tried to talk about the relationship's future with him and he has responded very negatively to my desire to separate. He has offered to change, told me he can't "fix us" by himself, and expressed that he has a set vision of the future how things "should be" which involve both of us.

When we talk about me not being comfortable in our relationship, he has two common responses after he expresses how devastated he is. I find both responses strange, especially the second. First he asks what is wrong with him and tries to put words in my mouth like that I don't want to be around him (false, I love him and view him as a true friend) or that I don't find him attractive (sort of false, I find him handsome -- but I do not appear to have a sexual attraction to him). Then he asks me what he should tell his family (who I have gotten close to over the past few years... My family lives several hundred miles away so he doesn't have the same closeness with them). They're not judgmental people at all so I'm not sure what he's reaching for when he says this.

[vonmoxie]

Originally Posted by arbbarb

Thank you vonmoxie.

I'm sorry to hear about your late husband; it sounds like you two had a beautiful relationship. My partner and I are showing no signs of chemistry after four years. Was there anything that changed between you and your husband to allow such romance to grow from your initial friendship?

Well.. and this is a lot of honesty, but: we did not have as much sexual chemistry as I have experienced in a couple of other relationships I have had. However, I think that in our case, we both had the attributes of being fiercely loyal, of being creative thinkers, and we held extremely high regard for one another, deeply accepted one another for who we were "warts and all" as they say: and those were the things that we built on. The regard, the way in which we were best of friends, meant that nothing would ever be "weird". If something was awkward at first, we would laugh about it. Whether awkward, or funny, or surprising, it was always special between us. It's just my experience, but I think that joyful acceptance can go a long way.

I have a few comments.

The first is that I want you to imagine your husband as a romantic lead. Are there any of those aspects that could be realistic? Do you feel comfortable discussing it with him?

The second is think about bringing some spontenaity into your life. Ask him to help you with dinner sometime. An unplanned trip to a cafe. When it snows jump right in and make snow angels together. Build a snowman. Veer off course to a gallery or museum some time.

How often do the two of you do things the other enjoys together?

So, have that chat, be spontaneous, share one another's interests. Those are what first come to mind.

[Long-distancelost]

Sorry your having such hard time with him. I think that we are all able to find many friends but only one boyfriend/husband/lover. The only thing that differentiates between friends and husbands are sexual intimacy. Only your lover is able to make you feel the butterflies and hold you in their arms and make you feel like the sexiest person alive. Making love to someone you truly care for and in love with is something only two people can share. Lacking that intimacy in a relationship makes the relationship just a friendship. No one should be in a relationship where there is no raw passion, and love, lust and desire.

Good luck to you. Hope your find your way.

I lived 16 years with a man who was no more than a roommate. I wasted my life away. At first it was just what I wanted in a relationship as I'd had a history of abuse and assault before that. I thought it fantastic that I could live a life without sex. But I realized into the relationship that sex is what was missing. It took until I was 47 to find a partner where it was not only healthy but good. I'd no idea that it could be that way.

[TishaBuv]

I have a struggling long term marriage with issues of me not feeling chemistry and that 'I don't feel right'. There has been sex, satisfying sex (meaning orgasms), but the destructive pattern we developed in order to get there became mental S&M.

I thought about the relationships where I did feel chemistry and decided they were ones where I was trying to get my feelings reciprocated, where they were not.

I've questioned myself 'Is it because he is committed to me the reason I don't feel chemistry?'

I know it's deeply askew, and I had trauma events that probably play into it. But, I suggest you think about why you felt chemistry with the others.

[arbbarb]

Thanks for getting back rcat! It's funny, your two thoughts sort of overlap for me.

My partner and I have never had communication (good or bad) until I started initiating conversation over the past several months. Initially he responded with how he wanted to change to keep us together, so we talked about issues we both had. He let me know that our infrequent sex also bothers him, and he told me he does not like having to always initiate. I told him I that I need to feel sexy in order for me to initiate, and that I would like more spontaneity. The problem is that I still don't feel attractive to him at all, so I don't initiate. And he hasn't initiated anything spontaneous. Outside of the bedroom we could use more spontaneity too. He prefers planning ahead. This is something I can definitely bring up next time we talk; thank you!

We do enjoy doing things together-- concerts, sporting events, cooking together, going out for drinks, etc. We enjoy days too where we have no plans, no family functions, and we can relax. Despite myself, I usually end up working or being anxious about work I'm not doing anyway instead of relaxing though.

One last comment on your 16 year roommate. I am sorry about your history of both abuse and wasted time; I am happy though that it sounds like you are in a better place now. I identify with your feeling of living contently without sex and your realization later that it was missing. I do not have a physical abuse history, but I experienced emotional abuse that made me feel numb to a lot of things, including sex. I am not sure what changed, but I am now aware that I actually have a need for sex and passion. I'm struggling on how to get these needs met and I think my partner is too since they basically appeared out of thin air.

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Thank you for your response l-dl!

I feel happy and hopeful reading your words about love and intimacy. I would like both my partner and I find our way, even if it is not together.

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Thank you for your response as well, TB!

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling in your marriage. I have to agree about the situations in which you felt chemistry-- in the few times I can recall feeling such feeling, only once was it reciprocated. I can't really pinpoint why I felt the way I did for any of these instances, but when it was mutual we had a very passionate (but ultimately destructive) relationship.

I'll keep stewing on the why chemistry question... Thanks again!

[hvert]

What I keep reading in your posts is that he really wants to fix this and you don't think it can be fixed. I don't know if that's what's really there or not, but it's what I'm seeing. Do *you* want to fix it or do you think you are fundamentally incompatible?

[arbbarb]

Thank you for your perspective, hvert.

In positing, I actually was hoping for responses discussing the experience(s) of persons who may have initiated chemistry/passion/what-have-you in a relationship that it did not start with or where such feeling may have developed over a long term, naturally or otherwise. Conversely, I was also interested in experience with failed relationships that ended because this component was missing.

It seems to me like a relationship without romantic compatibility is feasible but it resembles more of a friendship, which I am less comfortable with by the day. On the other hand, this relationship style appears to suit my partner. In the end I will have to decide to either work on this with the possibility of never developing the relationship I hope for or leave-- and as you picked up on, my current feelings are pushing me toward the latter.

[divine1966]

I can't imagine having sex if I am not romantic with the person. Or even kiss a person or pardon me get naked in front of him. Wouldn't work for me for any length of time. Living together as companions is fine if its a girlfriend or a relative other than that I'd rather live alone

After that many years it's not there? It is either there or it's not

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[Trippin2.0]

Amen to that!!!! ^^^^^^