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#1
Nov 24, 2015, 02:08 AM
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I'm certain no one cares. I'm stuck in this sickening workd where everywhere I Iook I can't trust anything people say.
How defenseless I am appearing as a mad man fearing for his personal choices, safety, and mental understanding why people target me. Why is it I'm the target of such mistreatment and all I want is to be left alone. A personal choice of me wanting to be free from human nature live simple and isolated because I want to avoid this cruelty. I can't change anything so I will turn away and look away. Why do people force their way into my life just to wreak havoc why do the men I meet take control of things I like and destroy it and women dig deeper to steal what's left like vultures. Why do I suffer while I give the gift of enlightenment at times and inspiration at times. Do I exist to cry? Does it please every one of you? Do you like torturing a damaged child a damaged adult and life. Does misery make you smile? Do you watch horrible things wishing you can help them as a form of projecting your own helplessness or pleasure or even pity to feel that's the best way to love someone? Treat one like garbage then love them... is that it? Is that what we are supposed to do is this world waking me up that I'm the minority.. that I'm unworthy just except being under someome else's boot when I don't have a choice even when I believe or feel I do. Is this my punishment? Was I a bad man or person? Did I deserve this hell? Surely should have suffered thing a worse or is this the plan in mind. Have me lose everything? Make me go crazy to kill myself just for the shear pleasure of punishment? I always wondered if I'm already dead and these moments are a reminder where I'm at. How forgotten and unloved I am... that after my last friends leave and especially my mother passing away when I truly will have no one left am I expected to kill myself because I can't make one friend ever. I was the one who brought down the he'll and I deserve something worse than death.... Turning my family on me, making me a victim when I didn't want to be and making every one shut me out to watch me die. Is that what you enjoy doing? |
 Cole'smom, elin95, gayleggg, Lost_in_the_woods, nervous puppy, Seraphine, smartiesparty
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#2
Nov 24, 2015, 09:36 AM
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 Yismymindblank12
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#3
Nov 27, 2015, 03:48 AM
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You seem like you have a lot of questions in life that therapy can help you understand. Also some trust issues as well. Are you diagnosed with any MI? My thought pattern and anger was a lot like yours when I was younger and undiagnosed. Luckily I got some medication and therapy and moved out of an abusive home that I grew up in.
Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia Risperdal 4mg Trileptal 300mgs Buspar 45mgs Ativan 1mg PRN Vyvance 70mgs PRN |
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#4
Nov 27, 2015, 05:19 AM
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Unfortunately, I know a couple of men that are in your same frame of mind. I was married to one for 28 years. Alcohol is his depressant and the demise of our relationship. The well written message asks many questions that I hope receive some helpful answers here. I share some of your thoughts and concerns as well. All too common in this world today. Bless you! I'm watching this post for answers too.
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| Lost_in_the_woods
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#5
Nov 28, 2015, 09:07 PM
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[QUOTE=RxQueen875;4794633]You seem like you have a lot of questions in life that therapy can help you understand. Also some trust issues as well. Are you diagnosed with any MI? My thought pattern and anger was a lot like yours when I was younger and undiagnosed. Luckily I got some medication and therapy and moved out of an abusive home that I grew up in.
Psychosis (NOS) schizoaffective disorder I am not on meds. I fear meds I fear everything. My reality is destroyed by the neglect of my environment done unto ne. My mind is warped and confused. I just run and act out in public when it happens |
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#6
Nov 28, 2015, 09:18 PM
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Not once I was acknowledged of my issues because it was different my mom especially treats me like garbage rto make me deny I have problems of any kind. NMy dad doesn't care and my sister is both. My friends don't want me around my jobs are affected by this when I was in school people thought I was angry.
Why do I live in this place where my suffering is grounds for punishment? Why I was wanting to die is due to the fact of how neglected I am emotionally and how my being beaten and raped alot and losing my closest people means nothing. I have to work work work. No time for fun everyone is too busy all the time for you. You don't belong here if you don't act a certain way. I'm scared of cruelty of others from one mistake if I mess up once they will hurt me experienced or not. Both are the same.... My reality destroyed long ago. My mother instead of trying to understand why I ran in fear and panic from my work. I am convinced if i don't stay I will end my life or die. I see and hear things and I feel people only exist to have me dfie early. I never felt loved because there was never enough room because how I'm treated poorly to others to me it's normal. If I was starved to death and had no help I'd accept it and let it happen. That's how far I am gone. Like I am not a danger to others and myself. I'm afraid of hospitals all of them. I fear them locking me in a room to hurt me by ripping me apart or having a staff member have his way with me because I'm stuck as a patient a prisoner of me real world and my mind. Since ever I've not felt safe with or around anyone. |
| Lost_in_the_woods
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#7
Nov 28, 2015, 09:24 PM
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I am blamed it's always I accept responsibility even when it's not because I'm forced to say yes or I'm thrown into a homeless shelter. My mom wants me to leave. I didn't want this to happen period. I don't even want to be here now instead at work, but no one understands mental illness we live in a nation where you are responsible of not being aware of yourself. I can't get the help I need I can't afford it as of now and mental health is diminished and not ever looked as a problem when you are in that position of helplessness and you need someone you better forget it because no one cares or is going to give you what you need because you aren't bleeding out or dying. As a child I wished bad things all the time so people say they're sorry and to love me again when I was little. I've even tried hanging myself at 8 to 10 years old.
Because I was scared of dying a normal way or being killed by someone else that fear you want to get away but never can. It's hell truly. I'm never going to be better. I'm not worried anymore I just want to survive so I can die peacefully alone where I started alone and finish it when I'm old. |
| Lost_in_the_woods
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#8
Nov 29, 2015, 03:53 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
Because unless they enlighten and make a really difficult, conscious & constant effort, 'modern humans' remain animals, entirely manipulated by this : 'The Selfish Gene [by Richard Dawkins]' rather than being driven by 'humanity' or 'their own emergent sapient self-awareness'. Quote:
Quote:
I know this isn't conventional belief - But the Occam's Razor explanation here is that this one Universe we're currently alleged to be existing in, simply does not care - for lack of a better expression - about our objectively inconsequential existences. Which would mean, to get a better life you must use your human self-aware capabilities, such as cognition, judgement, etc, & make life better for yourself, you have to actually fight the default states of indifferent rules of physics & chaotic outcomes which, through a 'cosmic policy' of neglect profoundly harmful to living beings, hinder them from reaching bliss, happiness, understanding, fulfillment, & actually promote suffering, misery & eventually extinction. Now subjectively, our lives, our struggles, our pain & triumphs can & do matter. They matter to us. They matter to the people we loathe, and the people we love. I think it's perfectly fine to emotionally & subconsciously think of ourselves as self-important & do our best to get what we want & what drives us, regardless of the nagging possibility in our logical brain that we most likely indeed are meaningless at the cosmic scale. So what? It's good enough, 'real' enough, for us to toil feverishly & endeavor towards our fulfillment. And that's precisely why the lives, the struggles, the joys, the pain we'll experience inside the oncoming full-sensorium immersive whole-brain virtual realities, will matter, not one bit less than this allegedly original 'reality' we were born in. |
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#9
Dec 01, 2015, 12:19 AM
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I'm aware of that already. Thanks for the reminder. I just want to express I hate it. I don't care for it, and you may say I'm lying, because what's holding me on. I don't have a sense of reality as in I can't correlate my behaviors that with my psychosis stuff and medical issues the way I am. How I talk too much and always have voices in my head and my life destroyed by a skewed reality forced upon me that you can't experience, because you don't have my brain and no one else here does even though they may experience similar symptoms.
It's that disconnect and the lack of empathy people give me and the lack of any effort to even want to stay made me both afraid of dying and tolerant of this and not accepting it furthering my own suicidal thoughts. I don't consider what others feel if I died, because I used to, but it led me to more mistreatment and more disappointment and more the fact I felt more empty. There wasn't a hope for me, you can't tell me there is, when it is not here right now. It's not here. It's what I make of it, I only can do that it's either sometimes amazing most of the time disasterous because I don't have choice what my brain warps very badly. I see people as imposters before a second a go as friends they didn't initiate anything to startle me or make me scared. It's my idk medical/psych issues of my reality literally changing in a blink of an eye. I could be seeing my mom as a killer clown before as my mother. I can't help it, and I hear voices all the time. I've been off meds for 3 years and drug use hasn't helped of course, but it helped me did escape it in the immediate. No one gave me a shake and told me it's ok I'm here for you during my worst or my best. No one did that. No one. When you experience that and you experience that it's not my perception is off all the time or people are just ******. I have a ****ed up life like most people do so what. If I die so what... It's not going to affect anyone. None of you know me. I appreciate the help for what it is. An easy escape another coping skill and another way to release my pain not for advice. I stopped believing in what other people say, because it's done me no good. I took my own by watching others and myself especially for answers. When you want to believe in happy endings and they aren't there/// What's kept me sane and alive is the hope there will be.... Even if it doesn't show up. That's sad, but it's what I'm stuck with to deal with and if I choose to off myself one day and it will happen on my own choice and no one will know about this. And know one has known what this special disconnection is special like other people's are special, but different from mine. So they can say the same thing as I did, the point is that it doesn't matter some people get better and find their way and others can't if I can't I can't. I did my best. I didn't try I did what I had available and if it's not enough like you said it's unfair I know it is. I experienced it all the time. I know your information was informative and insightful, thoughtful and I liked it, but it wasn't helpful. I'm not saying you did anything wrong you did everything right. I don't know what to do and I don't need advice I don't want advice I just want what I want. I don't like talking about it, but I know I need to. Love is the hardest thing for me and to others it's trivial and oh how I envy you so much who can do that. Most of these posts about my gf this and my bf that. Oh how I envy you had the chance. Oh how I envy you when you describe your relationship with your parents and how you describe your relationship with others. I know my psychotic breaks episodes and my dystonia and severe muscle problems have put strain on my immediate family. I feel when my mom and dad die, when my mom told me, "now remember we won't be here forever." that specific phrase kills me, every time it's what made me hate being alive and it's made me hate that I try to make my mom get me and love me and she is trying, but knows she has her limits and just shows how much she personally cares and don't care since ever. My dad wasn't available emotionally like my mom and when I was raped they were concerned, but were more just like tolerating me instead of really staying concerned or making sure I'm ok. You won't know what it's like to say I am going to one day die, because I know living is not worth it alone like this hurting. I'm going to one day do something about it, because I won't grow old and deal with this. I'm no coward no saint. I didn't care to be a hero or a villain. I just wanted to see the world and go on my way. When I say I had enough I've had enough and I don't want to see anymore. My mother definitely is a catalyst for me wanting to die, because I know if she's gone I can't cling onto I'm a broken damaged kid in an adult body, but I won't show it a lot. It's stupid to say I love you and meet someone, because it never works people want stability protection and all the other asthetic things and you know. I don't care for any of that anymore when I worked towards it. I've put so much action and hoping for the best from it. I'm still hoping and if it does it won't save me forever, but it will make me not want to kill myself. I've working for that reason not to. |
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#10
Dec 01, 2015, 02:34 PM
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__________________
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep But I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep And miles to go before I sleep" |
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#11
Dec 01, 2015, 05:34 PM
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I don't think these negative thoughts and paranoia are going to go away unless you get on meds. I'm not trying to push anything but you don't seem "all there". Do you have health insurance or any type of dr you can talk to?
Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia Risperdal 4mg Trileptal 300mgs Buspar 45mgs Ativan 1mg PRN Vyvance 70mgs PRN |
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#12
Dec 08, 2015, 03:52 AM
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#13
Dec 08, 2015, 04:10 AM
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These replies aren't very helpful honestly. I mean they don't add more insight, I wasn't being very insightful or informational to anyone of you, because I was very upset and hurting and not thinking very open minded like. It happens like with everyone else.
I'm a very hurting at the same time at peace with myself. I made this hell my home, and choose to seek a better life. the pain is how different I am, it's not always bad, but it's alienation is the worst part. I am different in the pain I experience the life I'm in and deal with like other people, but a lot of people aren't considerate as I am when I'm not upset. I get angry and lash out at everyone as a way to push them away intentionally to show I don't care what they are talking about to me, I'm not getting what I want, so step aside and leave me alone is what that screams. I'm being very clear on my intentions and what I'm going through. Without my parents, I don't have anything to cling on to.. I don't like holding onto memories and experience a negative change of losing everything you hold the most to you. Feeling like a failure to save a friend before he died, and that feeling like you could of shown your grandmother who was very starved beaten and grisly looking to the point she was a living corpse and not like the woman I lived with my early life. I was very stricken with so much hatred, because I was exposed how evil people were and that I wish it wasn't me who was exposed to a very abusive and unfortunate experiences I've endured. I act very cold and very indifferent. I admire other people, but not like most people do. I want something more, I won't say I like someone. If I do I'm subtle about it. I'm very charismatic, and like to charm others. I'm a show off. I act like a happy adult and child in one form. I look much younger than my appearance lets on. My dad is the same. He's 52 maybe 53 looks like he's mid 30's. My mother looks like she's 32. She's 50. I look like a teenage boy at like even as young as 15 most people would assume, but I am almost 22. I do show I have an innocence I show most people a side. I'm proud of that I am not afraid of danger and I'm not afraid of risk and I'm not afraid of other people. I'm not intimidated easily and I am very much swallowed by my own past woes so much so I stopped caring about anything happening later in life, I found peace by just living in what little I have. I stopped clinging onto others, but to feelings ideas and memories as this has worked for a long time. It's now slowly fading away, it's a very lonely place change is. I read a lot and very articulate and very much inclined in myself and others. I experience psychosis, because it's like almost a split personality almost where I am currently experiencing the pain of my past in the exact moment. I would do as in run away from the middle of my job or cry very loudly in public or beat myself senseless, because it's just not me showing my pity to others. It's just a reaction that my brain does as in my therapists have told me both medical and psychological. I really needed something specific type of therapy though, I wanted something to help me mend my wounds. I needed a female therapist for this, because it's not that I'm biased on whatever my needs are, but I am very specific, because I'm intentionally filling a void, by a form of exposing my pain and having someone else give me the self esteem nurturing I needed. I don't need a lot, I just need small things of just being heard to get me through my week. I'm addicted to affection, encouragement and work hard at being perfection. I only wanted that, because my heart is intertwined with the people I miss the most in my life, that I wish they had better than what they were given. I know it wasn't my business, but I felt I needed to do something about it. I lost a daughter, a mother/grandmother, a close friend, and many many many people I had shape my world around me. I suffer hallucinations, all my life, because I have severe ptsd and I've been stricken with the remains of that and my grief till the day I die. It's not left me like it had the first day it happened. Your world and your life is never the same when the parts you are familiar are forever taken by someone or something else. When you are truly the victim and no one believes you because they aren't in your shoes, but you embrace you're better than a victim but a victor, but no one will see it. So in the end you stopped caring. You don't want love anymore, you don't want to succeed with money or material things or just even getting anything what most people are after. You just crave the adventure itself and stopped being attached to people you are your own world and no one really matters except your own centralized view, but I struggle with that and wanting to share the good I feel when I do my best. |
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#14
Dec 08, 2015, 05:57 AM
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I am sorry you are struggling. I know you said you do not want Meds due to side effects. Maybe your doctor can investigate what other Meds could be better for you. Hallucinations and psychosis with schizoaffective disorder must be very hard to manage without Meds. I am not sure it could go away without Meds? What does your doc say?
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
| Yismymindblank12
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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