[TishaBuv]

I'm proud of myself that I just told my husband what to do, so that he would do the right thing. In the past, I just get mad, hurt, and cry, ruining it for everybody.

I didn't realize tonight was the first night of Chanukkah. I thought it was tomorrow. I had bought our 13 year old son a couple of things. He really didn't even want anything, so they are token things. I bought my husband a nice shirt.

We just came from seeing a Christmas movie. All about the spirit and family, yada yada yada... I realize it is Chanukkah. I say to my husband, in front of our son, 'Do you want to go get latkes, donuts, etc for tonight?' and how I had presents, but hadn't wrapped them yet.

My husband said 'I didn't focus on Chanukkah this year'. In other words, he wants nothing to do with the holiday. He has done this crap to me for twenty years! My son won't say anything, but I know he is bummed.

So when we got home, I told my husband 'I want you to go back out, and go buy the few things to make this holiday while I wrap the presents'. And he did. I said 'You don't say you didn't focus on Chanukkah-- f***in' focus!' lol. I feel like a b**ch, but at least I'm not crying and I'm not going to let him crush our kid.

[gayleggg]

Good for you. It's great that you were able to ask for what you wanted.

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[eskielover]

It's important to be able to put our emotions into words we can communicate with. The only words I could ever find for my emotions toward my ex (from a 33 year marriage) were yelling fighting words. Sometimes it helps to better serve the communication if we can word what we are feeling in a bit nicer way but that takes time & practice. Verbalizing in the first place is good & a wonderful start....you can work on technique later. Glad you were able to express your emotions.

[TishaBuv]

I started taking Cymbalta a few weeks ago. I wonder if that's what helped. What a difference!

[eskielover]

It can start making the brain think more clear....we're you able to stand up for yourself before? Or is this something completely new but that you have always wanted to do? It's such a good feeling to finally do something our mind has been wanting to do for awhile.

[ChipperMonkey]

Some.....people.....are just a bit....selfish. They can't see beyond their own little worlds. That is, if *they* don't want to do something, they simply don't do it, regardless of the consequences, i.e. hurting their kids, partner, whomever.

I honestly think that a big part of relationships is simply doing things to make your partner happy. Ok, so don't get me wrong, I don't believe in bowing down and doing anything to make someone else happy.....what I believe is that there are never going to be two people who become partners and enjoy each and every activity the exact same. Sometimes one person may not enjoy something as much, but they should engage in it for the well-being of their partner. One of my "friends" tells me that he doesn't believe in holidays because they're just the same as any other day, and that he doesn't remember birthdays. I told him that its insulting that he doesn't wish me a happy birthday after five years given that he owns a d@mn smart phone and can take two seconds to program in a yearly reminder. Now I've gone off on my own tangent, but my point is that people need to stop being so darn selfish and realize that they need to be there for others, even if they're not 10000% in the mood to do so. (And does your husband realize how much he's hurting his son with these shenanigans? Its hurtful for a kid to hear from a parent that a holiday has essentially been canceled because the parent isn't in the mood!)

[divine1966]

Good for you! Keep doing it

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[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Some.....people.....are just a bit....selfish. They can't see beyond their own little worlds. That is, if *they* don't want to do something, they simply don't do it, regardless of the consequences, i.e. hurting their kids, partner, whomever.

I honestly think that a big part of relationships is simply doing things to make your partner happy. Ok, so don't get me wrong, I don't believe in bowing down and doing anything to make someone else happy.....what I believe is that there are never going to be two people who become partners and enjoy each and every activity the exact same. Sometimes one person may not enjoy something as much, but they should engage in it for the well-being of their partner. One of my "friends" tells me that he doesn't believe in holidays because they're just the same as any other day, and that he doesn't remember birthdays. I told him that its insulting that he doesn't wish me a happy birthday after five years given that he owns a d@mn smart phone and can take two seconds to program in a yearly reminder. Now I've gone off on my own tangent, but my point is that people need to stop being so darn selfish and realize that they need to be there for others, even if they're not 10000% in the mood to do so. (And does your husband realize how much he's hurting his son with these shenanigans? Its hurtful for a kid to hear from a parent that a holiday has essentially been canceled because the parent isn't in the mood!)

My husband is an only child of elderly parents. His parents are so strange and he learned from them. R (my husband) is genius smart and professionally excellent, but all he does is watch TV or stay glued to his Smart Phone-- no kidding. He doesn't think about anybody else. No matter how I feel or what I say, he can't change.

I don't even think he's being passive-aggressive about the holidays, which he has always tormented me with. He just won't play my reindeer games! It hurts so bad, I've cried and been debilitatingly depressed. It's not about the stupid present. There isn't even anything I want. It's the thought, it's the normalcy, it's having any expectation and having that dashed and being disappointed.

Even our sex life is like this. That is the worst part of it. I've started divorce twice before and couldn't go through with it.. I accept it now, done trying to set myself free.

I think, because this time he was going to hurt our kid, that I found the strength to not let that happen.

I think I have Relationship OCD because I keep thinking that I never felt right and don't really belong with this man. How could me be the right one when I have always been so unhappy with him? But, no matter how I have tried to work things out, they never did. And I tell myself that if he was really all that great, he never would have settled for me (such low self esteem).

And, the shirt I bought him is sitting open in the box. I will leave it sitting there on the kitchen table. He will leave it sitting there forever, if I don't go and hang it up.

He's not malicious, just really lazy.

My ex husband of 16 years never purchased a single gift the entire time we were together.

I am NOT implying I am materialistic, rather I wish to point out and stress his being thoughtless. It just plain never occured to him that birthdays and the holidays were any different than other days. Never once did he even say happy birthday. Never once did he bother with a Merry Christmas. I doubt he even knew when our birthdays occured.

[eskielover]

I lived with a husband for 33 years...high IQ no common sense. Only did things when I pushed. No emotional connection all those years. He was oldest of a family of 4 kids & I was the only child of socially dysfunctional parents. I knew what I thought should be normal but neither my growing up nor my marriage were that. I left husband after 33 years of living in the same house...that was 8 years ago. It was only 1 1/2 years ago that the light went on as to what had been going on when I researched Asperger's. So much had felt passive aggressive but the research described & explained everything I had experienced all those years. It didn't make me want to go back because of the understanding but at least I realized what the problem was that caused the behaviors I had struggled so long with & had ended up destroying us financially when I got too sick to be the one in charge.

You never know the whys you might find out with research. Not easier to tolerate but understanding the whys really helped me understand my reactions & validate them.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I lived with a husband for 33 years...high IQ no common sense. Only did things when I pushed. No emotional connection all those years. He was oldest of a family of 4 kids & I was the only child of socially dysfunctional parents. I knew what I thought should be normal but neither my growing up nor my marriage were that. I left husband after 33 years of living in the same house...that was 8 years ago. It was only 1 1/2 years ago that the light went on as to what had been going on when I researched Asperger's. So much had felt passive aggressive but the research described & explained everything I had experienced all those years. It didn't make me want to go back because of the understanding but at least I realized what the problem was that caused the behaviors I had struggled so long with & had ended up destroying us financially when I got too sick to be the one in charge.

You never know the whys you might find out with research. Not easier to tolerate but understanding the whys really helped me understand my reactions & validate them.

Interesting... could be

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

My husband is an only child of elderly parents. His parents are so strange and he learned from them. R (my husband) is genius smart and professionally excellent, but all he does is watch TV or stay glued to his Smart Phone-- no kidding. He doesn't think about anybody else. No matter how I feel or what I say, he can't change.

I don't even think he's being passive-aggressive about the holidays, which he has always tormented me with. He just won't play my reindeer games! It hurts so bad, I've cried and been debilitatingly depressed. It's not about the stupid present. There isn't even anything I want. It's the thought, it's the normalcy, it's having any expectation and having that dashed and being disappointed.

Even our sex life is like this. That is the worst part of it. I've started divorce twice before and couldn't go through with it.. I accept it now, done trying to set myself free.

I think, because this time he was going to hurt our kid, that I found the strength to not let that happen.

I think I have Relationship OCD because I keep thinking that I never felt right and don't really belong with this man. How could me be the right one when I have always been so unhappy with him? But, no matter how I have tried to work things out, they never did. And I tell myself that if he was really all that great, he never would have settled for me (such low self esteem).

And, the shirt I bought him is sitting open in the box. I will leave it sitting there on the kitchen table. He will leave it sitting there forever, if I don't go and hang it up.

He's not malicious, just really lazy.

Is he maybe on the autism spectrum, like he has undiagnosed aspergers or something? If he's not malicious and he genuinely doesn't get why people do things or act the way they do then it might be he has some kind of impairment in interacting with people.

-I should read all the other replies before I reply. I see someone already said this. I read a great book called "The Journal of Best Practices" where someone with Aspergers actually taught himself how to be a better husband.

[TishaBuv]

I just looked up Aspergers. Nah, I think he's just selfish and lazy, lol.

[TishaBuv]

But it's ridiculous. Here's a very intelligent man, so I know he can learn. Time and time again, we have been over how he just needs to buy some token thing, wrap it. And he just doesn't do it.

Some birthdays of mine, he did absolutely nothing. I told him "Just get my kids and yourself around a table and stick some birthday candles in some kind of dessert", and he still acts like he has no idea what to do.

When things get to the point where you have to spell out what he needs to do over and over again, you just don't want anything anymore :-(

[TishaBuv]

Could you imaginel your SEX life being just like this???!!!

[eskielover]

Yep......my whole married life of 33 years was like that. Interesting because I talked to my adult daughter about her father possibly having Asperger's & later on in the conversation her one word about her father was "lazy"......realize also that being on the autism spectrum (which is what they now call Aspergers), there are so many different levels of functioning. I swore that he was emotionally abusing me...but when I read about that, I realized that what he was doing wasn't intentional he was truly incapable of connecting for all those years & never learned.

You might ask your husband why he doesn't want to change.....just be blunt about it. It can't hurt any more than the problems you are already having & it might get some sort of communication going. Telling my husband to do something just got me this really stupid look like I was speaking in a foreign language. He truly had no idea what or why I was asking him to do things I was insisting were to be done in order to keep the family functioning. I was a career computer engineer also & didn't have time to mess around trying to get him to do things....I needed him to function & I physically wasn't able to do everything & hold down my career also.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by rcat

My ex husband of 16 years never purchased a single gift the entire time we were together.

I am NOT implying I am materialistic, rather I wish to point out and stress his being thoughtless. It just plain never occured to him that birthdays and the holidays were any different than other days. Never once did he even say happy birthday. Never once did he bother with a Merry Christmas. I doubt he even knew when our birthdays occured.

Yes, been there with an ex.......I'm not materialistic either, but it is nice to occasionally get a nice gift (quality, not expense!).....something that shows he cares. It could be a flower he picked (because he thought of me) or a seashell he picked up off the beach (because he thought of me).

I know there are a lot of guys out there who think that a woman who wants gifts is nothing more than a gold digger, but its not that AT ALL! There is thought behind a gift, and that in and of itself shows that he cares....he put some thought into getting/giving you something that he thought you'd like.

[TishaBuv]

And it's also part of what makes something a celebration. You're supposed to exchange gifts, and then he gives you nothing, and you feel like an idiot having nothing to open. What's worse, his attitude about it tried to kill the whole thing for my son.

When he came home tonight, I was mad. So, I only postponned the tears yesterday. I asked him why he had teased me by asking me last week what I wanted for Chanukkah. I said because he was trying to figure out what I wanted for my birthday, which is in a week. He made an excuse about the Chanukkah gifts that he didn't have time to get any- not true.
His logic doesn''t even make any sense!

His reaction to my being upset was just to get angry and defensive, like it always is. If I dare to criticize him at all, that's what he always does. No compassion for me, only anger.

So, as usual, yet another holiday ruined. I told him to forget about seeing me or any gift for my birthday, and that I am not going with him to his work holiday party next week. Why should we pretend we are celebrating the holidays when he already ruined ours? I haven't gone with him to the last few parties we were invited to from work because we are always fighting.

He just doesn't get me and will never put me first. I am completely defeated and depressed, giving up any desire to do anything except sit here in the dark. This man absolutely killed my spirit.

[TishaBuv]

I'm the one who posted that thread about my mother destroying Thanksgiving. Now my husband destroyed Chanukkah, my birthday, and a happy new year! I told you all this has always happened in the past. It has happened AGAIN! I feel like I am losing my mind, because one would think it can't possibly be these other people actually starting these conflicts-- but it is them and not ME!

[TishaBuv]

Husband: What do you want for Chanukkah, honey?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Husband: I hadn't planned on spending that much.

[TishaBuv]

Oh boy. Eating disorder in full swing. Self hitting, punching myself in the face, head, and stomach until my arthritic wrists are sprained. Put on warm robe, needing to warm up because this is an 'attack'. That's how I have to describe it. All because that A hole won't give me love, the way I need it to feel. It's like this brilliant man has figured out how to push my buttons, so instead of him beating me, I beat myself. Just hiding away from the world, passively praying for something to end. I can't help but let this b****rd get to me.

[divine1966]

Honey please stop this. Stop hurting yourself. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Honestly file for divorce. Be gone. Anything is better than this.

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[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Honey please stop this. Stop hurting yourself. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Honestly file for divorce. Be gone. Anything is better than this.

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I wanted to say that too (file for divorce) but wasn't sure if I should. No one deserves to be so miserable. It can't be worse alone, and there's so much potential for it to be better!

[TishaBuv]

On the fourth day of Chanukkah my true love gave to me--

R comes home from work yesterday. I am still sitting in the rocking chair too depressed to function. He starts drinking shots of vodka. He offers me some. I say 'really? you're thinking this is a good idea?' and I don't drink. He gets himself loaded and goes off on a crying, self hating rant.

I told him about how I have been writing on a website and how someone suggested he may have Aspbergers. We looked it up together and decided he didn't.

Then he starts getting horny and trying to have sex with me, no very drunk.I told him 'no' and how this is what he always does, like he gets his jollies from hurting me emotionally and needs all this drama to build himself up (or tear himself down)-- it's mental S&M!

Finally, he relaxed and got funny. I said something that made him laugh, now feeling really sorry for him. The anger left me and I felt compassion for him.

I let him sleep it off. The sadness from the blackest despair turned to a warm, secure feeling that I do love him and he does love me and I am not leaving.

Oh boy--- So, if I am 'nuts' it's not in a nutshell. I am not doing this alone. If I have a personality disorder, well, doesn't he have one, too? Isn't my extreme reaction just that, a reaction to his strange behavior?

Such a ridiculous and unnecessary pattern of abuse. I am so sorry and ashamed. I have been living through this for 20 years! I want to stop.

It happens every time I set myself up for him to disappoint me. Our miscommunication this time tricked me into it. I am going to try to not set myself up again.

I'm sorry I made you guys cry. But, I so appreciate you are there. I've told my parents and my sisters everything that has gone on all throughout. I've hoped they would come take me out of here by my head, and they have all said at times leave him. But, it's just like any woman that is in an abusive relationship, sometimes they just stay.

He also has so many great qualities. People looking in from the outside would think I have it all!

[divine1966]

Hugs

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