Boyfriend about to be full-time parent of 2

Before I start, please don't comment just to bash me for not wanting kids. I feel I have really valid reasons and even if I don't I think it's best that people who don't feel equipped to raise kids or want to have them don't have them. Kids deserve to be wanted.

Ok, now! My current stressful situation is this: my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. We have a great, really healthy relationship. We rarely fight, for most anything where we disagree we can discuss things and be respectful and come to resolution. I feel we genuinely love each other, we have fun together, there's lots of laughter, great sex, it's just exactly what I've always wanted. It's the healthiest relationship I've ever had, I honestly didn't know it was possible to have a relationship like this, at least for me.

My boyfriend has been divorced for over a year and his divorce was delayed so he's been living alone/separated for the last 3 years total. His ex-wife hates him and thinks he's the devil. He has two kids, current ages 11 and 15. He has joint custody of his kids, and our first date was right after they moved 1,000 miles away with their mother. I had always had a strict "no one with kids" policy, but I decided to take a chance. I'm almost 35, I've never wanted kids for a myriad of reasons. My mother and I have a difficult relationship that I've posted about before. Growing up my family was very isolated so I never spent much time with kids that were younger than me, even extended family. I just have zero experience with kids. As he and I got serious, I spent time with the kids when they were visiting and even though it was hard for me sometimes, I got to where I liked them and could see being a part of their lives although not as a parental figure. I told my T I wanted to be "like a cool aunt." (I realize now how naive that was!)

As time passed, it became more and more clear that his ex-wife is emotionally and psychologically unstable. (I don't want to get all TL;DR but she either lies constantly or is delusional. Most recently she faked having cancer.) The 15 year old decided over the summer that he couldn't handle her emotional abuse anymore and asked to move back to live with my bf. So he moved back here, and it's been a fairly easy transition. They moved to a 2 bedroom apartment and aside from the schedule getting really really busy we have all adjusted well. Once the ex-wife admitted she doesn't have cancer and had constructed a very elaborate lie/scheme, my boyfriend felt he had to try to get primary custody of his 11 year old daughter who currently still lives with his ex-wife. It looks like as soon as all the paperwork goes through the court that the 11 year old will move back here too. This is where it becomes an issue - we have had 3 actual big fights in our relationship and 2 out of the 3 have been about the 11 year old and her behavior. I get triggered by the 11 year old a lot, she reminds me of me at that age, she has zero emotional regulation skills, she's already a huge drama queen. And also she does normal annoying kid stuff that I know I overreact to.

This week she's been visiting for Christmas and I've been in a lot of emotional turmoil because I know that this is how it will be 24/7 soon. I can be easily overwhelmed and the constant noise of two kids and multiple electronics can make my anxiety go off the charts. I'm not used to ignoring them like my bf is. The 11 year old wants constant attention from everyone and in addition to being overdramatic about nearly everything, she physically puts herself between my boyfriend and me whenever possible. I feel like she's competing with me for his attention, which he agrees with but acts like it's just normal for kids to do that? I don't know if it is, I have zero context. Over the last week "I never wanted kids, I never wanted to be a parent" keeps echoing through my head. I've been very depressed, anxious, crying spells, my boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night about his daughter, our 3rd fight ever. I feel like I need to get out now before it gets harder to end it and everyone gets more hurt. My T says I don't have to decide right now but even though I love my boyfriend and I don't want to be with anyone else I just don't see this ending well. But then I calm down and I go "no, I can do this. We can all get through this." Then I freak out again and go "I can't handle it, this isn't what I signed on for." I'm so torn between wanting to continue to be in a relationship with my boyfriend and knowing it will never be just us ever again. Sometimes I feel like I need to run away to avoid everyone being hurt later on.

I tried to think about what I would tell someone in this situation to do if they posted on the message boards, but I'm at a loss so what do you all think I should do? Should I give it a chance to work before I bail? Am I overreacting because I'm being triggered? My bf says he doesn't want to be with anyone else when I tell him he'd probably be better off finding someone that wants to be a stepmother to his child. It's so hard, I'm in so much pain.

yes, this is how kids act......i am not going to lecture you for not wanting kids. i have the same rule. i raised my kids, i do not want to do it again. i will not even do the "maybe i will give it a chance" because i do not want to end up in you situation. i work with families and you are describing a typical scenario. it is going to take a lot of hard work together for this to work out and you and her are most likely going to be competing for your BF's time. the question is, is he going to balance that time fairly so you both feel satisfied? how stressful is that going to be for him, you and her? you have already had three fights. time can make it better. i see you have bpd and this can be causing increasing your fears and making you want to run, but it can also create more difficulties in making this dynamic meld. not wanting children deep in your heart (no judgement) is going to make it more challenging. loving each other the way you two seem to do, if it were me in the relationship, i would step back. i would get my own place and let him re-establish his relationship with his kids. i would not end the relationship. he would have his family time and we would have our time. then we could have dinners together with the kids, outings and such. spend the night togehter here and there, get aways. build a relationship with the kids in a non-threatening manner outside of the home. a few years down the line, once that relationship is established with the kids, if comfortable witht he idea of parenting, consider moving back in. otherwise continue this path until the kids are grown and then move back in together after they leave. this works for me because i dont mind being alone. but it would allow the relationship to continue without having to be a mom. i hope this helps. take care

Thanks so much for your feedback! I do live separately from my bf. We had talked about living together at one point, but we both agree that it would not be good for anyone involved anytime soon. His daughter needs time to adjust, he will need time to adjust, I will definitely need time to adjust and probably a place to retreat to when I need to. I think the aspect where the BPD comes into play is the competing for attention. I do want/need more attention than someone without BPD, I do pretty well and can adjust but I do still have difficult moments. I think it's definitely what spurs on my "abandon you before you abandon me" feelings. I just have this horrible picture in my head of all of us fighting all the time and being miserable, feeling alone in a room full of people.

Thank you again!!

i agree with kaliope!!!

You cope with the son and not the daughter. The mother sounds like she might have a PD taking into account her lies and gaslighting. Could be the daughter has inherited the PD and the son hasn't?
Anyway I don't blame you for not wanting kids. Nothing wrong with that.
Keep separate houses, let him deal with any discipline issues with his children. The children will get older and live their own lives, then it will be your time.

Yes the mother was dxed with BPD years ago. The son's therapist also thinks the mother has BPD. I think she seems to have NPD sometimes though. I think the daughter is on her way to having BPD, and so does my T although at 11 it's not guarateed. I hope that getting her into her own therapy ASAP will help her learn to emotionally regulate now so she doesn't have years of hardship. BPD s-cks frankly. Basically the son is like his father and the daughter is like the mother. I find it easier to deal with his son because he's not dramatic or attention seeking, plus I think it's easier because he's older.

Poor kids, they are often the ones that end up kicked to the curb and falling through the cracks!

I admire your BF for taking an active interest in his daughters well-being instead of just saying to hell with it.

It does put you in a quandary, though ...

Who knows, once the daughter is here and out of the reach of her mother's influence she may exhibit a whole other kind of behavior!

Wishing the best for all of you!

I hope she will improve away from her mom! She really doesn't have to overreact to get us to care or pay attention, I'm sure that will help mellow her out some. The funny thing is that I would not be able to respect him if he didn't care so much for his kids. It's one of the things I love about him. Thank you for your well-wishes and your comment!

I thought I was through with raising children too but married a man with two children. One had already left home but the younger one still lived with her mom. Her mom kicked her out at age 16, so we suddenly had a child in the house. It was a disaster. We are still married but it has never been the same. There were many fights causing a rift between all of us. She is now 33 and still pushes my buttons.

You must accept that his children will always come first. If you can't come to terms with that then you need to walk away. I really wish I had.

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There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids. Especially someone else's! Now you need to decide if you can put up with the issues involved or not. His kids should rightly come first with him, and he would not be a good man if they didn't.

You have a difficult choice to make.

What happens when you are with someone with kids is that at any point they might move in full time for whatever reason.

My ex and I had adult kids when we've met but one of his turned out to have failure to launch and moved back in with us. My ex was recovering alcoholic at the time and relapsed right away. Things went sour with her there really quick. It was so awful that I think I still have PTSD after living with her. I only survived a year and I was done

Your situation is different though as they are minors. My ex didn't have to let her move in and let her live off us but your BF has to be a parent. I personally do not want men with minor kids and wouldn't budge on that.

Think it through and do what feels right for YOU.

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That sounds horrible! It's hard enough to deal with a relapsing alcoholic, let alone that + adult daughter living at home too. This is pretty much my worst nightmare. My bf is two years sober and I do worry that the stress might cause him to relapse. He's worried about having both kids in the house himself, and he does know how difficult the 11 year old is.

This is why it's probably best if someone dosent want kids to not date anyone with kids
I am a single mom of two and it would be silo upsetting if I was being pulled both ways but I have to be honest I would always choose my child
So I would definitely take that into consideration when you make your decision because this is just the beginning of a long road
Good luck!

I hope that you can find a way to stay with your bf. I think you will find things easier if you attempt the following:

Never criticize the bio mother to bf, son, or daughter.
Never criticize the daughter or son to your bf.

In other words, no use ever of terms such as crazy, delusional, liar, dramatic, attention-seeking.

If you make a mistake and use these terms, immediately apologize.

I make this suggestion because people will take an attack on the mother or daughter as attacks upon themselves--even if they can see the limitations of the mother or daughter.

I think there are ways to discuss behaviors without resorting to terms that carry with them an attack on personal dignity. I believe that you can find them and put them into practice.

With regard to the daughter wanting the attention of her father: Of course she wants that, all children want the attention of their parents. In my opinion she is not to be criticized or belittled for that: it is up to the adults to manage and guide those natural desires--not condemn them.

My dear. My sweet heart. I wish I could tell you something nice but out of my own experience, it gets worse than getting better.

I've been in three years relationship, he has two kids, and the daughter is always the issue. She's 10 now! The problem is my boyfriend, he doesn't know to put boundaries between himself and the daughter. She acts like a girlfriend. I mean it. Some stuff is disgusting! and she wins always. I don't get Xmas gifts while she gets lots of overly expensive gifts. Even his son doesn't get anything.

I generally love kids and I think she's a good kid, but it's frustrating. You want to have your own family. I always feel outsider, no matter how much love I give them.

I'm in the process of wanting to get out ASAP too. We broke up many times 2015. The whole year was bad! His kids are his priorities and that's it. Besides, they usually carry lots of guilt feelings.

I can go on and on and telling you what you experience will get even worse but at the end it's you who has to deal with your situation and decide.

I'm 42 and I want to have kids of myself. I don't mind he has kids. It was difficult at the beginning for me but now I love the kids. However, my relationship is really bad with my boyfriend. He disrespects me and if I say anything, I'm a bad person, because I said something in front of his kids!
He can disrespect me and say all **** to me and yell at me in front of them. He can order them what to do, but if I tell his kids to pick up a dish, it would be a huge fight!

So many people told me couple of years ago when problems starts, to get out. I didn't listen. Now, I have to rescue myself from this toxic relationship and it's not easy.

Just be kind to yourself and get out. You can make a good plan and get out slowly. You will find another love, even better than this one.

He has a huge baggage., specially that you don't want to deal with kids. They will be there forever!

Your comfort and happiness are very important.

with love
marjan

The kids have to come 1st... you are already not agreeing with the behavior between father and children... I loved my stepmoms very much. When the marriages did not work it was extremely painful to lose them. They treated me well and I felt loved (not so much from my dad).

That sounds hard. Have you thought of all of you going to family counseling. Just an idea I had. It may make it easier to cope with the situation and easier for them, too. Best wishes to you.

I think that as someone with a mental illness, you do indeed need to think of your own needs in all of this. I have PTSD and I know I won't ever be able to deal with someone else's kids, so I won't ever date someone who has children. Yes, people have called me every name in the book, said I was a child hater, and so on. In my case, loud noises and screaming children can spin me off into a bad episode quite quickly. (I've been very sensitive to noise since I was quite young.)

Yes, in our society, the single adult who doesn't want kids is, more often than not, labeled as selfish....so I understand why you started your post the way that you did. For me its NOT about being selfish. And to be honest, is not having kids ever really a matter of being selfish? I'd argue no, simply because as adults we have the freedom to live our lives as we wish. I'd say there are FAAAR more people who actually have kids for selfish reasons i.e. extensions of themselves, unconditional love, to fill a void in their life, etc, than people who do not have kids for selfish reasons. But hey, that's just me, and as a trauma survivor who has spent much time in the company of other trauma survivors, I know I oftentimes see and acknowledge the dark side of life.

As I was saying, for me its not a matter of being selfish. I have a severe stress disorder and if I don't take care of my own health by reducing stress, I can go downhill very quickly. Is taking care of yourself and your own needs (NOT wants) selfish? I don't think so.

There is no need to make a quick decision, right? I think you should spend some time apart from your boyfriend. Let the kids adjust to their new living situation. The daughter may calm down. See how things go over the next few months. This will give you time to see things as they are. Don't expect things to change if the situation is still volatile (remember, these things tend to not change over time).

You will always come second. Can you handle this? No worries if you can't, as this dynamic isn't for everyone. I know I couldn't handle always coming in second. (Again, where more of the "selfish" putdowns come in....but hey, its my life and I can live it however I choose, right?)

I have a few thoughts.

First, I think there is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. Not everyone is cut for it. I actually think it's great that you know that about yourself and have chosen not to have them.

Since you say you don't know a lot about kids, I want to reinforce that the 11-year-old girl's behavior sounds totally and completely normal. She has been living apart from her father and with a mentally ill mother, so the girl's emotional needs are not being met. Most likely, no one has been paying adequate attention to this little girl. I would NOT call her behavior attention-seeking. I would call it absolutely normal and probably necessary in order to make sure her basic survival needs are being met. She has clearly been through a lot and she has been missing out on the experience of having a dad in her daily life. She really deserves a lot more attention than she has been getting. I would definitely not shame her for this or criticize this behavior or label it as MI. She is behaving like 11-year-olds behave under normal circumstances, let alone kids like this who have been missing out on parental attention.

Even if the little girl WERE behaving inappropriately, it would not be her fault or her job to change herself. It would be a reaction to her surroundings and poor parenting, and it would be up to your boyfriend to gently encourage different behavior without ever shaming her or identifying her as "the problem."

Your boyfriend's attention really needs to be on his kids, especially now, but really all the time. His kids Will always be his #1 priority. Since you say you have BPD and need more attention than the average person, this might be a problem for you in the long run. Not everyone is cut out for being #2 (or #3 or #4). If you know that never being his first priority is a problem for you, then I would re-evaluate things. If you don't want to be a step-mom to his two kids, I would re-evaluate things. If you don't want to be part of this family, I would re-evaluate things.

Even if you were someone who loved and desired kids and treated this little girl with the utmost care and love, she still might not want you in her dad's life for no other reason than you are not her mom. If that happens, your boyfriend will choose her over you. (I say this because I have been there, quite recently. I was in a relationship where the 13-year-old daughter wanted her "old family" back. She liked me as "the friend" but threw a tantrum upon being told I was "the girlfriend." She ended up throwing tantrums every time my partner was supposed to see me until my partner chose to end our relationship in order to take care of the daughter's feelings. I absolutely want kids & tried everything under the sun to win over the daughter, but there was nothing I could do. She wants her "old family" and that's not me.) I say this just to demonstrate that the kid wil always come first, and if the kid doesn't want you there, your relationship might end regardless.

Being the "girlfriend" in someone else's family always means being an outsider. If you've already felt like an outsider for much of your life, it's really hard to accept being an outsider, forever, in your "chosen" family. You will never be the kids' mom and they WILL at some point yell things at you like "you're not my mom! You can't tell me what to do! I wish my mom/dad never married you!" It HURTS. It sucks. Even when the kids love you, they are still kids and they will say stuff like that in moments of anger. It's a really hard position to be in. It's not for everyone.

I would really think long and hard about whether you are prepared to handle this situation. I say this because I've been "the girlfriend" more than once. Both times, the relationship ended not because of the relationship between me and my partner, but because of the kids/blended family situation. Once, because the daughter wanted her old family back and once because I wanted to have a baby and my partner didn't think having another baby was in their kids' best interests. Because the kids will always come first, you are the one who is expendable. You have to be ready for that going in. Honestly, I don't think I would do it again. I still want my own kids, but I don't think I will date someone who already has kids again. I'm okay with my needs being #2, but I'm not okay with the idea that my relationship could end at any moment if my partner's kids don't want a step-mom and my partner honors that request. (Of course, no kid should have a "bad" stop-mom, but I genuinely cared for the kids and we got along beautifully up until they realized I was becoming "permanent" and that meant their parents were not going to get back together).

Wow. You said it very nicely and so true. I'm in the same situation but the kids love me and they have no issue so far. I feel the jealousy and seeking for attention from his daughter sometimes. However, I have issue with not being number one. It's not an easy task.
Actually, I think you are very wrong of saying the kids should come first. Even bible doesn't agree with you. Parents come first. If the adult relationship is not good together then kids will suffer the most. It's like when we fly, they teach us take care of yourself first and put the oxygen on yourself first before helping any minors. Life is the same, if the adults don't have good loving relationship, then they can't be good to the kids either.

I agree that kids come first but only in regards to their health and safety. But it's different when kids are allowed to make relationship decisions. I don't think kids should be raised with the notion of they are the ones calling the shots in their parents personal lives.

Unless there is abuse involved I don't believe kids are to decide who their parents are with.

I think some people use it as an excuse to not proceed with relationship ( like oh my kids come first or I am too busy with school or distance is too far or my mom doesn't like you or i am too busy etc).

I think if someone is truly into me they wouldn't allow kids to make a decision for them. Now of course I am not talking about when question is about kids health or abusive nature of a new partner. I would jump in to water to save my daughters life but I wouldn't dump someone because she doesn't like him. Most people wouldn't ( unless they want out of relationship regardless).

I think if somebody is willing to dump me because their kids dislike me for whatever arbitrary reason or if they allow their kids make my life difficult, then this is the wrong person for me to begin with and I am better off.

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I don't think children should call the shots in their parents' personal lives either, but sometimes parents allow them to. Sometimes, parents make bad calls or can't stand to see their kid any kind of emotional pain and over-cater to their wants. And sometimes dealing with the behavior and acting-out (slipping grades, trips to the principal's office, fake illnesses, temper tantrums, swearing/yelling, breaking stuff) gets so difficult that parents feel like they can't take it anymore and need to do whatever they can to try and get their kid back on track. My (now former) T actually went through this with her own daughter. They tried family therapy, they tried a vacation together, they tried a million things to get her daughter and her new partner to get along, and nothing worked. The tantrums were so bad she said life was miserable and only one person was expendable-- the partner (not the daughter). She said she did love her partner, but it was just too hard. She couldn't keep waking up every morning in a battle zone. She said sometimes love isn't enough.

There is nothing wrong with this lady not wanting to rear someone else's kids. It's not her responsibility or choice to be a parent. Even if she chooses to stay in the relationship with the father, the kids still won't be her responsibility. But they would be part of her daily life and having kids in the house definitely changes the dynamics of things. She is not harming the kids in any way and certainly not being selfish. I think she's pretty smart knowing what she wants rather than just taking whatever comes along.

Sometimes parents do allow that but that's not the kind of people one should marry. Today's it's the kid, tomorrow it will be something else. I also think sometimes people lie. It is easier to say " my kid doesn't like you" rather than saying " I don't feel like committing to you".

I once dated a guy who kept telling me his parents are apprehensive about him dating a woman with a child so he is unsure about bringing me to family events let alone committing to me.

It turned out to be complete and utter lie. He used his parents to justify his lack of commitment. I immediately dumped him. He continued pursuing me for awhile but I was done. Lack of commitment is bad regardless what's the reason




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Note: I didn't read anyone else's comments so excuse me if what I say is a repeat. First off I want to say I totally get you and as a matter of fact I'm in the same situation. My bf and I are going on 2 years and he just started bringing his kids around me in the summer because we weren't ready and we had no toys or anything in the house for them. Well my bf took his old bedroom set that him and his ex shared and put it in my spare room, bought toys, and said "it's about time". And honestly I wasn't mentally ready before being that im BP 2 and wasn't stable. Well at first I was shy as hell. One boy is 6 and one is 9 and really, children can be rude but I've learned to take it with a grain of salt. Kids will be kids. They've criticized my cooking to the way my house "smells". (I burn insense sometime). Now the kids are getting pretty close to me and for Christmas the 9 year old got me a bracelet that says "mom". I'm almost 30 and never saw myself having kids. My bf and I have decided to just see what happens in that department. I have some issues after stopping the pill a year ago though. Whole different story.
Now as far as your situation goes, I think the girl might be a little jealous that her daddy is showing another woman attention. When I was a kid I would get jealous when my dad dated. But you seem pretty intent on not wanting kids. You need to think about the future and what you want before you go further with this guy. He may be everything you've ever dreamed of but you have to know that the dynamics of your relationship are going to change big time. Having the kids around will change things. It's no longer all about you anymore. He's going to put his children at high priority and the question is weather or not you can share him with these kids.
I wish you the best of luck and really take the time to think about it!