Boyfriend about to be full-time parent of 2

I'm sorry that you dated someone who lied to you about not wanting to commit. I know there are people out there who use kids/family as an excuse, but that certainly isn't the case all the time. Blending families can be really, really hard. I never understood how hard it was until I tried to do it. Obviously, if a situation isn't working, it's better to get out. As adults, we have to learn that TV style romances where love makes everything else okay just isn't reality. We learn that love isn't always enough to make a situation work. Life is just more complicated than that. I had to break up with a woman I loved in the past because she just couldn't get her life together career/finances wise, and I want to have kids. Kids take stability and money, and I don't want to be the sole provider. It had nothing to do with a lack of feelings/love. Same thing when life just becomes too hard when one's kids are acting out because of a new partner and none of the options you have tried work. Sometimes, relationships end because of things other than a lack of love or desire to commit. Different people have different priorities. For some, it may be stability/security. For others, it may be harmony in the home. For still others, it may be explosive passion regardless of the difficulties/consequences.

I honestly think you're right. Kids shouldn't run the roost so to speak. However, in practice, single parents give you the "my kids always come first line". Ok, so I know I take things too literally at times. So if someone tells me the kids ALWAYS come first, then I take this as spoken, the kids ALWAYS come first. Maybe this is extreme, but anything else is pure guessing, i.e. where does the line exactly lie as to when my needs will come first? Do their wants override my needs as a human?

I honestly believe that the strength of the family lies in the strength of the relationship between the parents or parental figures. It is indeed possible to have a good step family relationship but the truth is that if the non-step parent figure doesn't set firm boundaries and lay down the law in terms of the kids showing respect to the new partner, the kids are never going to get along with the new girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, etc. The actual parent holds the power, but anymore its difficult to find someone who doesn't have the "kids first, always, no matter what" attitude.

Anymore I feel that my views are in the minority. Its not worth it to even try to have a relationship with a guy who has a child and I avoid it from the get-go.

Oh don't be sorry, it is someone I dated very long time ago, it was just an example of unavailable person.

For sure building relationship is tough. And it's tougher with kids in the picture, especially minors, but even adults. I know all too well that love isn't enough. If it was, none of us would be divorced etc.

In the long run things work out the way they should. I am engaged and honestly have never been happier and never been more content. Its worth to wait and not settle. Never too late

I hope OP will do what's right for her!

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I think it depends how one raises the kid. Some people use their kids as a substitute for romantic partner ( I don't mean sexually) .

Then surely kids feel jealous and betrayed if their parents start dating.

I and my ex husband have very close relationship with our daughter but we never treated her as a substitute so she had no need to be jealous.

My grandma used to say "the trick is in boundaries".

I also think sometimes people drag their kids into relationship way too fast and kind of ambush the kids, no wonder kids are flustered

. If you do date a man with kids be weary of ones that want to drag kids into this way too early, like want to introduce you to their kids right away and must have kids approval and want you to spend time with their kids way too early. That's a red flag and typically indicates poor boundaries and inability to have their own lives apart from the kids or want to make sure kids like you.

It's unhealthy.

But it's doable and it could work.

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I agree with all of this. I think this is precisely what my ex-girlfriend did and contributed to why her daughter became so upset and why it didn't work out. I didn't realize, until nearly the end, that she treated her daughter as a substitute partner and involved her way too much in "adult" decisions. I didn't realize until later that her daughter and her are more like "friends" than parent/child. She introduced me to her kid after only 2-3 months and, in retrospect, it was too early. It taught me a lot about what are (and are not) healthy boundaries. But I didn't feel like I could say anything, because someone can say "you aren't a parent; you don't know" and there is nothing I could have said after that. Obviously, it wasn't the right person or situation for me. It also made me realize that I no longer want to date people with kids. I only share this because I think it may be helpful for the OP to see the range of situations that can happen, and decide if her situstion is right for her. Best of luck, OP!

No. If you ate to love the father you must love the kids. Any GOOD parent will tell you that.
Oh you want to be my boyfriend but could care less about my kids? Yeah no

Of course kids shouldn't decide who you date. If the relationship is healthy and loving then you know the kids are just conflicted and it takes time and commitment to work through it. But if you are jealous and show it of the time I spend with my 9 year old son that's a flag for me of dysfunction

I just wanted to give everyone a big hug and a kudos for your self-realization...

It's worth not much, but my own parental perspective: My children would always come first (please note that I mean children and not adult "children").

I cannot imagine very much that would be more difficult than dating a parent. I know it happens and happens with success, but as someone with depression (and probably more although I don't really care at this point) I cannot imagine tackling such a relationship...I simply lack the strength to do so. And God help any non-parent (and probably parent, lol) I dated who judged my own parenting style or skills...

I get that this is rather narrow-minded thinking of mine, but it's just my own view as a mom. Maybe dads feel differently?

So, to the OP...You are being wonderfully objective and clever about this. I hope it works because I am a hopeless romantic, but whatever you decide to do, I wish you strength and good luck. Hugs to you.

This is why parents should stick to dating other parents. Everyone grows up wanting to be special to someone, to have a REAL partner. Gonna always put the kids first? Be prepared to be rejected by a lot of childless singles. Yeah, what parents don't realize when they say the kids will always come first is that a single person hears "Well, if you were dying on the side of the road at the same time my kids wants an ice cream cone, sorry but you'll be on the losing end". Yep. Maybe that sounds extreme, but if you're going to use such extreme words (i.e. "always"), be prepared for the backlash. Yes, I know the rebuttal is going to be "I didn't mean THAT!" but you said it....don't blame me (and any other single person on the face of the planet) for using the dictionary definition of "always" and not attempting to mind read or decipher your own personal interpretation of the word.

Yup, another problem. OMG Its not like I was old enough to help raise my brother and sister! I thank my parents for years of infertility because it kept me from slutting it up in high school and becoming preggo at a young age. Girls would bring their babies into school and everyone would coo at them. I would just roll my eyes and think "good luck with that!" because I knew the sucky side of it all, I knew what work it was, I knew these girls had no life. Everyone else thought it was fun and games. But since I didn't actually thrust another being from my loins, I am assumed to be clueless when it comes to kids. Hardly. My advice would be considered and not immediately written off if I had my own kids. So. Not. Worth. It.

I dont think there is anything wrong or selfish with not wanting kids and breaking up over this. However, if you do decide to give it a go I think it would be a very good idea to sit down with bf and negotiate about what responsibilities you are to have involving them. Personally, I wouldnt want to have to discipline anyone elses kids. Secondly, while you see all the negatives of the situation and theres plenty of people here who have negative histories in similar situations I know there are positives too. You say you can relate to the 11 year old emotionally, that doesnt only have to be a trigger. That could be a point of bonding. You could even try to symbolically try to bond with her how you wish you had been treated at her age. You also mentioned you were in therapy, if you do decide to try this out, spend time in therapy about how you will cope healthily in situations that you know will come up. If you feel triggered by an 11 year old attention seeking, how could you handle it in a healthy way? Stuff like that will go a long way IMO of letting you enjoy the new situation.

I dated a woman with kids and to be honest, there was stressful moments but also there was some amazing moments where I grew to understand myself better and actually had fun being with them. Ever see a new toy on tv and go oh man I wish they had that when I was little, well now with kids as an excuse you can!

Whatever way you end up going Im sure will be right for you. If you do stay though try to prepare yourself and your bf for whats coming. If you dont, you dont.

I am very guilty of judging. My daughter was a pain as a teen lol but she is very successful adult and I have great relationship with her, and I feel bad that I judge others who didn't raise kids to be successful or don't have good relationship with them. I am the first to admit that and am not proud of being judgemental. My fiancée's adult kids are not successful in any areas of life ( he is) and I made some comments that I am not proud of



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Your example is not extreme at all. I broke my foot at the gym, I needed help to go to hospital and come back home. He showed up with his kids but all he said "ouch it looks bad, but we got to go. I promised kids to take them to the movie. When we have done, I will call you."
You can imagine how much I cried in the hospital and I am alone here. I had to call a friend to help me go back home. My friend was shocked saying how it's even possible he's not here for you. He could have canceled the movie day with his kids.
No, my broken foot was not as important as taking his kids to the movie.

**** it. Parents should not date. It's selfish to drag another human being to their messed up life. Either stay with your kids' mother or don't dare till your kids are out of home.

Omg. This is crazy. Putting kids first would mean to make their health and safety a priority not that he would take kids to movies instead of taking care of ill gf. Omg

I don't understand "always" either. What does it teach the kids? That life evolves around them? "Good" lesson

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Those are extreme examples of bad parenting. Its not good to role model behavior of ignoring someone you care about needing help. I still say for every bad story there is a positive one. Maybe not at psych central but in general.

[QUOTE=ChipperMonkey;4850183]This is why parents should stick to dating other parents. Everyone grows up wanting to be special to someone, to have a REAL partner. Gonna always put the kids first? Be prepared to be rejected by a lot of childless singles. Yeah, what parents don't realize when they say the kids will always come first is that a single person hears "Well, if you were dying on the side of the road at the same time my kids wants an ice cream cone, sorry but you'll be on the losing end". Yep. Maybe that sounds extreme, but if you're going to use such extreme words (i.e. "always"), be prepared for the backlash. Yes, I know the rebuttal is going to be "I didn't mean THAT!" but you said it....don't blame me (and any other single person on the face of the planet) for using the dictionary definition of "always" and not attempting to mind read or decipher your own personal interpretation of the word.

Thank you for this! I have been saying that for a long time, I have rejected single parents always *****ing I can't get a date. I told one in the past not coming 2nd to your kid I do agree single parents need to stick with single parents period.

Exactly.

I am like the poster, I have zero desire to have kids. For me, I am attracted by this single father I have been friends with his nurturing is really getting to me. I had this thing where if I could date a single parent that I don't want to have any relationship with their child(ren) if they were minors. I have told a guy that a long time ago god that was an endless fight. It would just be casual/short term dating for me, who knows how'd that work? I am still a strict childfree woman always will be... I seem to attract single parents for some odd reason they said I have such a sweet face means nothing when I don't want to raise kids.

"**** it. Parents should not date. It's selfish to drag another human being to their messed up life. Either stay with your kids' mother or don't dare till your kids are out of home."

Thank you!

[quote=ladytiger;4850847]I agree people without kids who dont want kids should not date people with kids but not everyone without kids thinks its a deal breaker. Just because it is for you... thats no reason to just decide they're only allowed to date each other.

You edited your post and made it even more outrageous. I am speechless.

I personally never wanted to marry a man with kids. Even if I liked his kids a lot. I pictured the future and how I would be helping him pay for his kids to go to college, and things like that. I ultimately rejected that picture. I didn't want to support someone else's child/children. I would rather have been single for the rest of my life. I know this will be an unpopular viewpoint with some people here, but I wanted to have my own children and not be a stepmother. I've known other step parents and it is a thankless job.

My Dad re-married and had a second family with a woman who had two daughters. Both were on alcohol and drugs. He is broke now because he helped his wife pay for rehab, over and over again, for her daughters, and now her grandkids are all on drugs too. Then one of the daughters wanted this big, very expensive wedding, and my Dad helped pay for that. All they do is take. My Dad is 79 years old and broke. He doesn't even have enough money to buy a cup of coffee.

Good lord!

By the sounds of some of the replies on this thread you'd think all us single parents are evil monsters trying to trap innocent souls into the depths of step parenting hell.


Like we belong to some weird cult or something where we punish you for the fact the we have kids


When the truth is, everyone who's had a bad experience here just chose extremely shytti partners / human beings to begin with.


Please folks, don't paint such general pictures with tainted brushes.


A little sensitivity and consideration wont hurt. This is after all PC and not "Hate on single dating parents forums"... You don't know who may come across your post and be in a vulnerable state at that time.

Diva, I think you've got some excellent advice, guidance, tips and so forth.


You seem to know what you want, what you can handle and what you can't stomach.

So my advice would be to go for it.


But at a pace that feels safe for you.


And if you feel that you've given it a shot, and it just wont work, then by all means walk away, at least you gave the relationship a chance and didn't just run because BPD said so.


(I nearly did that again yesterday lol 😁 but luckily my DBT skills kicked in, and I realized I was just scared of the unknown)


Best of luck with whatever you decide, just remember its important to remain true to yourself.

Nobody said we are hating on single parents, I am not hating on them just sharing my experience and views on if I could short term date one. For me, I'd rather date a person with grown kids that's better than trying to understand a minor's mindset.

The thing is, that isnt what you said. You said you dont believe any single parent should date. If you had said, I dont want to date a single parent that would be reasonable. I believe what you said was "It's selfish to drag another human being to their messed up life.". I mean, can you imagine the uproar if I said mentally ill people shouldnt be allowed to date and invite people into their messed up life? Or people with cancer. And kids arent even a negative or a disease.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a step parent, But there is also nothing wrong with a single parent dating.

A similar thing happened with me and my (long ago) ex. I loved her and her daughter, and the kid had nothing to do with the break-up. However, when I had pretty invasive surgery, my girlfriend did not come to the hospital with me or take care of me afterwards. She said her daughter needed her full-time and she could not take care of me. I suggested both her and her daughter staying with me at my house so she could look after both of us for just a day or two (the kid was very young). She said no because her daughter would be less comfortable at my house. So, instead, I had a friend drive me home and bring me necessities and then I just managed by myself.

I think the issue is that when two people have a child together, the adults are very bonded to both one another and the kids. Plus, before the kids were born, you were #1 so there are still some lingering feelings/duties there. So, if one parent is sick, the other parent prioritizes them and the kids have to wait while "mommy takes care of daddy." But, when you are the outsider, you come last. You are not the kids' parent, so it is not expected that the kids will wait while your partner attends to you. It's a totally different situation. I don't think it's great parenting, but it is the way a lot of people choose to parent. Culturally, there is this idea thst kids always have to be the most important, so a lot of people (especially moms) think they are being "bad" parents anytime the kid is unhappy or not getting what s/he wants.

I didn't say that. I said they should date each other, it does make it hard for single parent to date someone with kids. the constant *****ing from a single parent can't getting any dates is they should stick to other single parents since their commonality are the kids. I can tell you disagree with my stance on it, but that's fine. My life isn't gonna be messed up over it. Hmm, how would you like it if a single parent brought his or her kids with them on a date with you? That right tells me they couldn't find a suitable sitter to watch the kids for a while. I find it irresponsible to bring your kids with you on our date yet alone I gotta listen to them be obnoxious at a dinner table in public.

I have told a few single parents long ago the agreement is don't bring the kids with you to our meeting otherwise I am walking away and they agreed. Nothing wrong with being a step parent, that's true and true for others who feel the same way. I, for one, never agreed to be the step parent to their kids. Like I said, I don't relate to kids at all only relate to adults since I didn't like kids growing up and I was placed into a mini adult role that I shouldn't have been in the 1st back then. I live in an apt complex with noisy *** disrespectful kids, do I really want to date someone who has kids like that? What single parents do is their biz, don't bring your kids with you to adult activities is how I feel...