[Only_Human1983]

I recently found out that my narcissistic ex boyfriend got engaged to a girl that lives in Florida (he currently lives in the UK) and I'm still really struggling to get over it (most people on here will have seen my previous posts and know how much I've gone about it - sorry!) I just can't help but wonder that maybe he wasn't a narcissist and it's all me and he's found someone better....that maybe I'm not marriage material and that I'll end up alone.

I have never been lucky in love and my friends say to me 'I just don't understand why you are single, you're very pretty, slim, good job, nice car, etc etc' but that just makes me feel worse. I feel like there must be something really wrong with me. Ever since I was small I wanted to grow up and get married and have a family, I never once thought about the prospect of ending not only without children, but to never be married either and end up alone. I'm 32 (nearly 33) snd it just feels that as the years go by its gets less and less likely.

I try and talk to my mum about it, but she doesn't truly understand, she tries, but she just says that I have to stop making it a priority and it's more likely to happen that way, but it's hard to stop wanting something that inside you want so much. I know it doesn't resonate with many (mostly because they have been married, are married or have children) but the thought of never knowing what it's like to carry my child for 9 months, experience birth and the overwhelming sense of love that nothing compares to, never knowing what it's like to be truly loved by someone so much that they intend to spend their life with you and trying on that dress that makes you feel like a million dollars, that special day etc, breaks my heart to think I won't have any of those milestone occasions.

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[divine1966]

I am very sorry you are hurting. Please don't think that someone is not choosing you because someone else is better. It just doesn't work this way. My therapist says that typically bad partners are bad partners to everyone else not just one person. Bad husbands are just as bad second time around ( unless someone is really young and just need to mature). Him choosing that girl is nothing to do with you.

Now there must be a reason you don't attract available men. I have been attracting men of this kind my whole life ( they are all like men in my family awesome on the surface and really difficult otherwise). I found therapy extremely helpful and recommend you do that to understand yourself.

Now I am turning 50 and am finally with the right person. Took me that long.

I am not suggesting you wait till 50 but I am saying it's never too late. I wish I figured out early on what is going with all these men and break the pattern at 30 or 40 not 50 but better now than never. There is much ahead of you. You are so young. Please seek therapy to break a pattern. And happiness will come along with time. It will

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[Only_Human1983]

Thank you so much. I really hope you are right. I just hope I find someone in time to have children. I just feel that as the years have gone by and I've experienced so much rejection that it's made me more and more sensitive and afraid of getting hurt. I think I am attracted to the wrong types and they always approach me. My friends also say I'm too nice and put up with way too much, but I guess that's down to low self esteem.

I am researching therapists in my area at the moment, as I've realised that I definitely need to do some work on myself. I've also joined the gym and have my evening job which created opportunity to chat to people, but I don't seem to have problems attracting people, it's just keeping them!!

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[yagr]

I'm sharing this in the event that it will be helpful, not to be hurtful.

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

I just hope I find someone in time to have children.
...the thought of never knowing what it's like to carry my child for 9 months, experience birth...
...and trying on that dress that makes you feel like a million dollars, that special day etc,

As a man, and a prospective husband, each of these lines would make me run for the hills. Each would make me feel as if I were a means to an end. You seem to me to be in love with the idea of marriage, motherhood, giving birth, having a wedding, etc., but it seems to be focused very heavily on you. You need a man to make each of these come true for you - but seem less interested in the man himself. As if, any man will do as long as I get this stuff - even narcissistic ex-boyfriends.

[divine1966]

I understand wanting to have children but you can have children in late 30s or even 40 or you can adopt or foster. In fact you don't need to be married to have children. You don't need to have a man at all in fact.

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[Only_Human1983]

Yagr, no I'm certainly not saying any man will do, but I would like to find love and to share moments with that person. However, nobody seems to want that with me and what sort of a person does that make me? Being left on the shelf is not s nice feeling. Seeing my friends have loving partners is hard and makes me feel like I must be flawed.

I would never and have never said all this to guys. Of course I have said that id one day like to get married and have children, but isn't that fairly normal??? I haven't pushed any of it on guys, but perhaps they pick up on it without me knowing.

I'm just scared of ending up alone and I guess I just want to feel special to someone snd in a loving relationship, maybe that's wrong, but I can't help how I feel,

I guess it's why I'm so worried because I know I mess everything up, as you said you would run, so thats why everyone else has and I'm unlikely to find what I would love being how I am

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[Only_Human1983]

This is why I'm really struggling these days, because I find myself trying to come to terms with the fact I'll never find true love and I'll continue living my life alone

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[Only_Human1983]

I just don't see how I'm any different from most women in wanting to find love, my soulmate, spend my life with that person and have a family, isn't that what most people want?? I agree not everybody, but most girls dream of their wedding day etc, but somehow I feel wrong for wanting that. It's like I'm not good enough for any of that

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[yagr]

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

Yagr, no I'm certainly not saying any man will do,

Good, I was secretly concerned for you.

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

... but I would like to find love and to share moments with that person.

A completely human desire.

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

However, nobody seems to want that with me and what sort of a person does that make me?

Well, nobody yet.

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

I would never and have never said all this to guys. Of course I have said that id one day like to get married and have children, but isn't that fairly normal???

It is certainly normal.

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

I haven't pushed any of it on guys, but perhaps they pick up on it without me knowing. I'm just scared of ending up alone ...

This is my best guess, from someone who doesn't know you so take it with a grain of salt. I think it would be very difficult for someone who is so worried about this issue to not project their fears and feelings of both inadequacy and borderline desperation onto prospective suitors. I honestly believe that the moment you become okay with never finding what you seek, it'll show up.

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

I guess it's why I'm so worried because I know I mess everything up, as you said you would run, so thats why everyone else has and I'm unlikely to find what I would love being how I am

There is a book I would recommend, but even if you aren't interested in the book, consider the title for a moment. It is, "Be the person you want to find." by Cheri Huber.

[Only_Human1983]

Originally Posted by yagr

This is my best guess, from someone who doesn't know you so take it with a grain of salt. I think it would be very difficult for someone who is so worried about this issue to not project their fears and feelings of both inadequacy and borderline desperation onto prospective suitors. I honestly believe that the moment you become okay with never finding what you seek, it'll show up .

I understand what you're saying, but how do I stop wanting to find love, have a family etc. That's incredibly difficult. If I come to terms with the fact I'll be alone forever, that would make me pretty depressed (more than I already am)

I will definitely read that book, thank you. I have read a lot of self help books about relationships to help me since I broke up with my ex, but I've failed so far

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[Only_Human1983]

I just don't see what's so wrong with me. I've been told by guys and girls that I'm really funny, good to be around, kind and caring. I don't even let my depression show or tell guys about it as I fear it will put them off. However, I seem to have no trouble attracting guys, but they just don't seem to think I'm worth holding onto and that makes me feel really worthless

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[yagr]

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

I understand what you're saying, but how do I stop wanting to find love, have a family etc. That's incredibly difficult. If I come to terms with the fact I'll be alone forever, that would make me pretty depressed (more than I already am)

For me, when I finally came to the conclusion that there was no one in the world for me, I decided to join the monastery. Really. I began studying in earnest and became very excited about the direction my life was going in. I had found serenity and happiness. And then I saw her...

We've been together thirty years now.

[Only_Human1983]

Well maybe I need to accept that I'll never find love and never know what it's like to have a child. It breaks my heart and I feel so flawed for not being worthy of someone, but I think I know deep down that the way I am and wanting it is my own demise, but there's nothing I can do. It's the hardest thing and I just wish I was like other girls, who have normal long term relationships

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[Only_Human1983]

I just don't get what it so wrong with me. Im a good person and I've always thought of others, yet I'm alone and having to come to terms with always being that way and then my ex, who's a compulsive liar, hurt people, a cheat, got caught drink driving, the list goes on, finds his special someone and is now engaged. How does that work?

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[ChipperMonkey]

I'm not saying this is you for sure but people don't want to be around those who are negative with a woe is me sort of attitude. I don't doubt that you try to hide this from people but that may be part of the problem! People also don't want someone who is fake. And in hiding HUGE parts of yourself you are being fake. (I would be upset if someone I was dating seriously hid such a big thing about themselves.)

I think you should work on your self acceptance and self esteem. I think you lack confidence. If you were truly confident you'd have no problem with sharing these parts of yourself with a partner. You'd be able to say ok, if a guy doesn't accept me warts and all, *I* don't need HIM!

ETA Sharing doesn't equal dumping your problems on someone. If you are seriously dating someone and they can't even accept the fact that you have depression, why would you want to be with them?!?

[Only_Human1983]

The thing is I'm fine when I'm with someone and I'm not depressed at all. I only get depressed when I experience rejection and I feel that these days I get rejected too often and it must be me who's severely flawed.

I just hate myself and I'm obviously someone nobody wants to be with, so I just have to accept that I'll be alone forever

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[ChipperMonkey]

Ok well you are rejecting everything people are saying. I think you're in defensive woe is me mode and don't want to seriously consider what people are saying.

[Only_Human1983]

Sorry it seems I can't do anything right and I shouldn't have come on here.

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This is a place to voice your concerns about yourself and see if they are valid compared to the experiences of others.

Nobody thinks you want something that you shouldn't want.

I, for one, am a hopeless romantic and always want the fairy tale ending for everybody. And I try to say that to people.

There is time. Nobody knows the future. Nobody knows who is around the corner.

It is easy to be depressed when there are no guarantees, so I get it. Is there a therapist or a diagnosis of depression for you? Would it be beneficial to see a doctor?

Hugs.

[ShineYourLight]

I feel like you should work more on your confidence. Obviously your struggling whether or not you were at fault in the relationship or he was. Once you know yourself so well to the point where you can immediately determine whether or not your the "narcissistic" one or he is, its like a breeze through life making decisions. It makes so much sense doesnt it? Knowing how you work, and once you learn these things about yourself, you can't really get away from it

[Only_Human1983]

I am certainly a far cry from being a narcissist, but I don't want to say too much as I don't want to be accused of being defensive.

Thank you Sophiesmom, I just wanted to come on here and discuss what has been worrying me so much, but maybe it was a mistake as I feel rather upset.

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I get that. I sometimes find it too upsetting to be on here.

We are what we are here. It is, after all, psych central. We all have issues. Including those people that we bounce ideas off of here...
(just something to keep in mind)

[Cat_Lover_58]

I was 28, and in my mind, all I wanted was to get married and have a smart, funny husband and have kids with him. I was a wreck. I finally said, "OK, I'm not going to worry..." and in a few months he came into my life. I got married @ 32, had my twins at 36, and am now happily divorced from that man I thought was my everything.

None of us knows what is around the corner. Life is just that way. Cut yourself some slack, quit worrying, and it'll happen in time.

Keep posting too, we're all here to help one another! Hugs, Cat

[Only_Human1983]

Thank you Sophiesmom and Cat Lover_58.

I know people all have their own battle in life and their own worries and concerns. I'm just tired of being made to feel that what I would like in life is wrong.

I also thought this forum was to help others and it has been a real help in the past, but I just feel very hurt by some of things people have said. Surely this forum is to help people who have depression and that is the reason people come on here to try and get support from others, not to be told they are just being 'woe is me' (surely that's a part of depression) defensive, fake, possibly the one who's a narcissist and desperate. The last thing I needed was to be 'kicked when I'm down' and I now find myself feeling worse about myself and that I clearly don't deserve to find anyone. Yet my ex who's a compulsive liar, cheat, false sense of superiority, flash...the list goes on - is happily getting married to the love of his life. Forgive me, but that just doesn't seem fair, but I guess life isn't

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[divine1966]

If your goal is to become emotionally healthy confident woman who is happy and content with her life and then attract emotionally healthy men ( or be happy otherwise) then it is a good goal. And seeing a therapist would be extremely helpful ( was for me, as I myself struggled with not attracting right people and settling for losers the way you do), if you cannot find a therapist then see a doctor.

You said you have a depression. Yet you don't see a psychiatrist or therapist or any doctor? Were you actually diagnosed?

Also get busy with life regardless if you are in a relationship or not. Keep busy

Keep posting here. People aren't trying to hurt you but help you!

If however your goal is to marry regardless who even if he is a cheater or compulsive liar etc then I don't think it is the best goal ever.

You continue being upset that this man who apparently was horrible liar and cheat is getting married. He wasn't even good BF! You keep saying you weren't good enough for him to marry you. Do you ever consider he isn't good enough for you to marry? Do you really think he is the best you can do? You are selling yourself short

I don't see anyone kicking you. I see people give you suggestions that could help

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