I STILL LOVE HIM I need help what to do here?

terri I was in your shoes a few years ago. I married a wonderful man. he was my entire life. he wanted for nothing at all. He told me before we got engaged that he was a recovering alcoholic. the man I knew, I knew there was no way he was a drunk. WRONG!! it took about 3 yrs for me to see that side of him. I stayed for a few more years. 7 to be exact. It was taking all I had to just live. do they stop? sometimes. I loved him with all my heart and it took everything I had left in me to finally leave. I think you are doing the right thing. he has 2 addictions at least right? for your sake stay away.

Hi regrets, thanks for your response. I read your "stuck" post, it was very interesting.

Too bad though that things turned out the way they did. I am sure if you were to live it all over again you would be with the man you had the affair with this day.
In essence, you lost both men. I am truly sorry.

Could I ask why you kept going back and forth with the ex? was it that he kept making those sweet promises that he never kept? If so, I know how you feel as my STBX did the same thing. Promise after promise and nothing EVER surfaced not even the slightest.

I am going to take everyones advice to just move on and just focus on making my self happy. I had visioned on what my future would be like and when I realized I could be with someone else's tossed out garbage it just made me shutter. I am age 48 and I believe that is what I will be dealing with. NO thank you !

Terry

Hello Bebop, I just posted a reply and came back to the thread and seen you just posted this. Thanks so much for your support.. It really helps to hear others who have dealt with the same thing!

You do really know what I am dealing with, and yes 2 addicitons!!!! It is incredibe the amount of stress this puts one through! Once you think your in the clear for a while with the one addiction the other one comes up and slaps you in the face and knocks you back down again.

Funny though how even though they put you through hell how you can still love them at best isn't it?
I still keep thinking "WOW what just happened here" !! I just got married and in fact this week was our honeymoon last year! and this year same time we are divorcing.

I really have to keep on track with the right thinking here that this man I loved is so unstable, how could I have let myself be taken in by him? Why couldn't I have seen this before we got married???

Even though I feel quite panicky and overwhelmed right now, I just have to keep thinking forward and knowing a better life is somewhere out there even though it may be by myself only.

I do know what you mean by loving him with all your heart and finally have to leave. If he does want to try a reconcile he will have to shape things up quite a bit or I just know it will end up right back here again.

Thanks for your helpful advice, its much appreciated!!

that is true terri. when mine would stop for the 2 or 3 months I always knew the shoe would fall again and it never failed. It did happen. the sad part is he was my best friend as well. we were so so close it wasn't funny. we were perfect together til he started the drinking and prescription drugs. it was so sad to see the kind of person he was to what he became. he died in 2002 and I still miss him. I remarried now and have a wonderful husband.

UPDATE : I can't believe this. My STBX called me last night and said he wanted to see me and talk about things. I was a bit concerned and curious so I said ok. He said he would be over soon so I waited for him to come. He calls me back about a half an hour later and said he wanted to stop and get a beer and then he would be over. I told him not to bother and that I am not interested in talking to him unless he is sober, he said he was sober and had nothing to drink until this time, I said yeah right and hung up.

He ended up coming over my house at 2:30 am knocking on my door expecting me to let him in !! ( this was 3 1/2 hours later than when he called to say he would be over )

I am not stupid, I know he went to the bar and drank alot before he came here. He thinks he can fool me but he is not too bright I guess.

I turned my phone off and made sure the door was locked tight and never answered it, he finally left quietly.

Obviously he isn't thinking clearly as this is the whole reason why I am divorcing him in the first place! He thinks he can just run around and act like a selfish teenager and do whatever he wants and when he wants. He has been portraying this image really bad in the past 4 months. What the heck does he think marriage is anyway?? He thinks I am controlling him when i say I won't tolerate his behaviour. Well I don't know about the rest of you out there but in marriage there are some boundaries am I right? Well one of my boundaries is that a married man needs to act like a married man and that means you don't run around all night long in the bars without your wife, but that is what he chooses to do.

Then he comes home snockered and acts defiant and stupid and passes out.

I told him If you want to act like a single person then I will grant you your wish, so I did.
I am glad right now that he doesn't live here anymore. That is the kind of stress I have gotten rid of. But I question his love for me ( as he said) how can this be love??

Terry

It's not Love Terrie.....it's selfishness.

He sounds like one of the most selfish buggers I have ever read about in my life! Forgive me hun...just going on what I read here!!!! LOL An addict's main personality trait to overcome is always a severe case selfishness. You should see the selfishness in my family hun!!!! Alcohol and selfish Mofo's in my family too....TONS!! I feel your pain.

I am so glad that you never opened that door. It sounds like he came over looking for a 3:00am booty call and nothing else. Had it planned too decided to get drunk first then come over for sex. JMO.

So sorry that you have been going through this. But I am glad that you are working through it and getting past it now. I can see your personal strength and power growing in your posts day to day.

Good luck hun!!!!

ABT

AmatureBombTech, Hello and thank you for your post.

I realized the same thing of what he was really after especially after him showing up here at 2:30 am. Geez, I can't believe him he is unreal.

Your right about the selfishness, the more I read the more I understand that an addict is very selfish which explains alot of his behavior lately. I suspect that he will probably drink more and more now.

It sounds like your family has alot of it, so you experience it probably way too much huh? How do you deal with it?

I also think he wanted to find comfort in knowing I was here at home and not out somewhere or with someone. He knows I am usually at home but he also knows I CAN be out at night also if I wanted too. I just choose not too atleast for a while until I get through the blues stage.

Thanks for the vote of confidence too. Its good to hear that I am making some progress and finding the strength to cope with this more and more everyday. Its tough though, let me tell you. At times I feel weak and I want to call him, but I am trying to listen to my inner voice.

These boards do help me alot I want all of you to know that and how much I appreciate each and every one of you for your support and advice. Many many thanks to all of you!!!


Terry