What do you do when you find out your "friends" hate you?

But to update, she started being really nice to me again a couple weeks after. So I really have no idea what the issue is.

I see these types of defensive replies in person, in my own community where I live. It's something that a professor that I had worked with me on for poise.
Since the thread is about trying to understand what the pattern is. I'll point out how this reply does come accross defensive. Anger seeped in. But it is an adjustment that can be made that won't push others away in the future. I mean this objectively and kindly.

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I think you are underestimating my level of self-awareness. Yes, I know this post is defensive. It was meant to be defensive. I am not really concerned about my reputation on an anonymous internet forum. But real life is a different story. I am very careful about what I say to people in person. If somebody says something that offends me, I will always pretend I am not offended. If I think a joke might offend someone, I will refrain from telling it. If anything I do or say can be construed as showing off, I will not do it. And as I may have pointed out before, I go to great lengths to hide any sexual/romantic interest I may have in a girl.

Something I should clarify. People usually seem to be cool with me when I am reserved and cordial with them. In fact, people often emphasize how I am super nice. But then when I try to assert myself more as part of the group, that's when I notice people starting to turn hostile. It would not be accurate to say everyone reacts this way, but there always seems to be a person or two in the group. If this were to happen with one or two social groups, I could chalk it up to them having a problem. But when it is repeated over and over again, that sort of indicates there is something more going on.

For the past few weeks, I guess I started acting more shy and reserved again. This could explain why she started being nicer to me. Who knows. But the problem is, I can't connect with others and form an identity without expressing myself. Being shy and reserved doesn't allow me to do that. People may be cool with me, but they will see me as an empty slate.

I am with healing on this. It seems that you ask for advice but whenever advice comes in you always disagree or get angry. I don't know how you interact in real life but if that's how you do, it might turn people off.

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See my last post.

But why behave online that differs substantially from how you behave in public? Does that not negate CBT? How we think translates to behavior.

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Honestly, your response here does come across as rude-- not socially awkward or defensive, but rude and passive aggressive. Even if you think the poster is off base, they are trying to offer you help and feedback and you attacked them in a passive aggressive manner. This is probably what is happening in person. If people think you are rude or passive aggressive, they probably won't want to socialize with you. Why wouldn't you be open to changing your behavior? A lot of people don't realize they are behaving this way, and it could probably be fixed with a little bit of work.

I am amazed to hear that you are able to switch your behavior that much. So you are saying you behave rudely in a passive aggressive manner on here but behave pleasantly and politely in real life? If you are able to switch your behavior that easily, then I don't see how you can call yourself socially awkward!

I am also amazed how you can "act" shy and reserved. So you really aren't? People are either are reserved or they aren't. I don't know anyone who can "behave" reserved and shy.

I am confused with the whole idea. So you pretend to be nice in real life but have no need to pretend on here? I don't understand

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You don't have to isolate yourself completely, as social skills develop with practice, but you need to work on some basic principles that guard your general behavior in the real and virtual worlds. You don't have to get what you want from the first time, but with time (and practice) you will get what you want. Being genuinely nice all (at least most of) the time is very important. Many people are nice at their core, but this isn't enough. How you communicate it is important as well.

I hate to say this, because I hate doing it myself, but it seems there is no way around it: try to focus on something else other than relationships without isolating yourself completely. Try to improve your skills at work, for example. Being independent and confident in your work is perceived positively by many people. May be this will attract people to you instead of you going to them.

Play it cool and confident around her. Don't let her think you're infatuated... Play hard to get .... She may not be worth your time... She sounds immature....

Quote:

Ps She doesn't hate you... Hate is a harsh word Take care

Most people do not behave the same way on the internet as they do in real life. On the internet it is much easier to express yourself than it is in person. A person who has social anxiety in real life will not have the same social anxiety online. It is a pretty normal thing.

If I am offended by something in real life, I will not act on it, because I don't want to embarass myself or make enemies. On here, it doesn't matter as much what people think of me, so I will be more to respond in a way that comes off as defensive, like in the above post.

I am pretty certain that people's problem with me in real life has nothing to with being defensive or passive aggressive, since I actually don't act like that. People I meet in person have a tendency to see me as extremely nice, and I would guess that even the people who don't like me still see me that way. Actually, this specific girl has on one occasions commented that I was really nice because of something I did and basically said "I am not that nice, if I was in that situation I would..."

Clear things up a bit?

I do politely disagree about most not behaving as authentically themselves on the internet as they truly are off the computer.

You mention social anxiety, I too can be more the listener than the conversationalist, at the same time, it's responsible to learn how to acknowledge feelings/needs in the moment and be assertive about that.

With this person's comments about "I'm not nice, I would...", granted that sounds like she swings the pendulum too far in the opposite direction, yet it does sound like a statement where she would stand up for herself and not place herself in a situation to be manipulated or coerced or taken advantage of. That would involve stuffing integrity down the drain, so to speak and not behaving in a manner that's true to oneself. One can be kind and with strong personal boundaries at the same time.

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People get angry at times, and say things. I did for sure, online and offline. Does that mean I am not a nice person? Of course people could behave completely differently online, but I don't think this is normal. One of the characters is real and the other is fake. Which is which then!! People can say things online that they cannot say in real life, for sure, as you are doing in explaining your challenge to connect with people.

Yeah, she's gotta go. Can you get her alone with you on the roof of your building?

Most people I know are the same online as they are in real life.

I don't think by saying " I am not that nice" girl met you are nice and she isn't, when people say it they usually mean that you did something that she would consider maybe detrimental or demeaning to you etc and she does not think it's wise to put yourself in such position. It typically does not really mean one nice and one isn't.

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I am confused, what point are you trying to make exactly? That I am not a nice person and that I only think I am? If so, you're wasting your time. You are not qualified to make this assessment.

There are a ton of reasons I suspect people have a problem with me. Being a mean person is not one of them. Trust me on this one.

I am not saying you aren't nice. Just saying that phrase " I am not that nice" doesn't always mean you are nice and they aren't.

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I think, with the exception of people being internet Trolls, that most people are very much themselves online. If anything they are more themselves because some of our inhibitions are down - which allows someone's true self to come out.

I'm much more assertive online than I am in person. I'm not (as) scared of confrontation online than I would be in person for various reasons, the biggest two being that I don't SEE them and that I can take my time writing things. Does it mean I am going to be really rude or cruel? No. That's not who I am at my core.

We can only base our responses off of what you show us here - and your words here are aggressive frequently, even if you don't demonstrate that aggressiveness in person. Very few of us are such excellent liars that we consistently maintain two very polar personas - to use my assertiveness as an example, in person I come off as much more passive... with some exceptions. My assertiveness will come out when I am advocating for others (strangers or people I know). I quietly take care of my own needs but it's in a passive manner.. until I'm backed in to a corner and have very little choice left. My coworkers have never seen me being assertive for myself, but they certainly know that I am on the behalf of others as it's the only time people hear me speak up.

I think that is basically what everyone has been saying Shadix - that who we are online is still very much US just without all of the inhibitions. So... the aggressiveness you show here? It's in you. It likely does show sometimes in your behavior in person, even if you aren't aware of it.

Yes, I agree that who we are online is who we are without the inhibitions. I am sensitive and do not tolerate people questioning my character or intelligence. If they do, I will become angry and I will want to retaliate. That is very much who I am. I am a nice person as long as you do not overstep your boundaries. I don't think there anything wrong with this.

However, in real life, I am not as outspoken as I am online and I will generally avoid expressing any opinions that would cause people to attack me. For example, you will never see me in real life arguing that it should be acceptable for me to date much younger girls. I reserve these discussions for the internet where there won't be any real social repercussions. However, there are still some occasions where people in real life will make comments that call into question my character or intelligence. I will often get offended. In my head I will be saying "eff you" but outwardly I will smile and pretend it didn't phase me. Yes I am very capable of this. You learn this when you spend your life being bullied and disrespected by people higher up than you on the social ladder.

But the fact is, my friends and coworkers in real life do not see me as an aggressive person at all. In fact, most of them see me as one of those "too nice" people, a pushover perhaps. If my anger/aggression shows, it would have to be showing as something else, perhaps anxiety or social awkwardness.

Honestly, I don't see most of you offering a solution. It seems like you are just trying to explain to me why I suck. I don't understand the motivation behind this.

Anyways, just to update about the girl. She actually asked me if I want to get food with her at lunch the yesterday. Just me and her. Someone else ended up coming with us though, which is good because I would be awkward one-on-one. But this is definitely not something I would have expected two weeks ago. But like I said, she's suddenly started being really nice. I am really confused because I still have no idea what the issue was.

I see how explaining alternative points of view as a means of offering support and advise. As far as a "solution", what would solutions be when the thread title is realizing friends hate?

As far as anyone telling you that you suck?? I missed that post

Did she ever specifically say there was an issue to begin with? Which seems where many replies were guiding the thread....

You know what just happened a block away from me? This guy, who battles depression, limited valuable friendships, apparently feeling isolated and probably like he's hated or not accepted spots this young couple after getting himself innebriated. Floors his pick up truck to 80 and speeds directly at them. Young couple, recently graduated. Probably typically kept to himself. Reserved. Unassuming of him. Other than depression probably self esteem low and just not climbing out of his funk. Don't know if the couple is going to live. The young man has no brain waves. The depressed man is without bail.

Don't know why I'm sharing other than to say neighbors ask why didn't he just reach out to someone before going this extreme.

OMG makes me think of school shootings. This is scary. There is so much help available nowadays. If only they seek help rather than going extreme. Sad

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Sadly help isn't as available as you may think. To go to a therapist you need health insurance and even then good luck finding one that is available outside of the 9 to 5 work schedule. I guess the assumption is that people with full time jobs should not need therapy.

And outside of professional help, society is mostly cold and unsympathetic if not straight up hostile. Grown men in particular who complain about anything are labeled as crybabies and narcissists. "Why can't he grow up and stop being so self centered?" And if he's complaining about problems connecting with women, the backlash will be even more vicious. "You're not entitled to women you misogynist!"