What do you do when you find out your "friends" hate you?

There are plenty of therapists who work later, you just have to research. Mine works till 7pm. I don't suggest you isolate. I am just saying most people don't want crushes at work, some places consider it is inappropriate and one can even get in trouble so I am just explaining why she might be keeping her distance. I don't know what other reasons

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I feel like in order for a person to have a true sense of self-esteem, there needs to something there to back it up. I feel like I have generally been rejected and appreciated by my peers all throughout my life. So now I am desperately seeking to be recognized as someone worthwhile in order to prove that wrong. I feel like it is unrealistic for somebody to love themselves despite other people constantly feeding them the idea that they are unlovable.

Then can you find a cause, a purpose something to create a sense of pride? Something that isn't about taking a chip off your shoulder but something that you excel at and/or brings value to others?

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk

Not sure how feasible that is.

How come?

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk

I don't have any notable skills that would really be worth much to others. And I also don't believe that making yourself useful makes up for being unlikable.

Sorry to hear that.

Are there ambitions in your life that don't center around fitting into a group of friends?

Why don't you believe in service?

Even JFK's great speech talks about service. I'm sure he was onto something there.

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk

I feel like what I really need in my life is to form my identity. And you need a social circle to do that.

What I'm really asking is how you are supposed to deal with it when a person in your social circle starts being hostile towards you in order to not look like a loser. I feel like this sort of thing tends to only happen to people who are socially inept so there really isn't an example of how a normal, well-liked person would react. Perhaps the fact that she is treating me this way is simply confirmation that I am a loser and that I can't expect to be socially accepted and liked by these people.

I find it really sad that this sort of thing is still happening to me as a 20something adult. For a while I thought that by now people would have grown up and I would no longer have to worry about being singled out and ostracized by social groups.

I am sorry you are ostracized. It's sad. But I kind of agree with healing that you can form an identity and excel in something and that would give you sense of pride , it could be something that involves service to others. Such as volunteer? Help others? If you don't excel in anything at this point take a class in something you can be better at.

It is good to have social circles but not everyone has them yet people excel at other things. In fact many people don't make social circles at work especially not if if involved crushes. Join hobby groups? Take a class? My area has volunteer meetup. You volunteer with a group, do good in the community



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I think you may want to seek therapy for your low self esteem issues. Perhaps it's not you at all. Maybe this girl has her own personal issues that is making her act this way. The sooner you learn to accept yourself, the sooner you'll see that how she is treating you is her own fault and not yours. Don't be so hard on yourself. At the end of the day we can't get everyone to like us. That's just life. Your going to run into a lot of ****** people bit it's not your own fault.

Trileptal 600mg BID
Buspar 45mg
Seroquel 150-300mg for sleep
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvanse 70mg
Risperdal 4-6mg PRN

I don't get msgs unless the other person using tapatalk app!

(Agrees with above)

I respectfully disagree. Your identity is formed from the values and principles you firmly believe in. Others are changing, and you cannot form an fixed identity and character on something changing.

It is OK if you feel that you really want to fit in but cannot. It means there is a challenge. Address it directly. Life is full of opportunities. Prepare for the next one. The important thing is that don't isolate yourself completely. For now, I suggest just to keep it formal and at the surface, and focus on your duties in your job, no matter how trivial they are. Just do them. Greet your colleagues when encountering them accidentally, and chat if you feel it is a convenient time for a chat for both of you. Try not to feel the obligation to talk to and participate in social gatherings.

Agreed......we form our identity by OUR OWN VALUES, our own interests, & our own talents, our likes & dislikes. An identity based on anything else WILL FAIL.

I thought I had my own identity but I went from living at home with my parents even in college, then went from that to being in college & being married for 33 years. It was when I finally left that bad marriage that I was able to stand in my own house & realize WHO I REALLY AM......alone, by myself....what I like, what I don't like, what I enjoy doing, what I want to do & what I don't want to do. From there I developed friendships based on my own interests & they are solid because they are based around ME, not ME trying to be something else to please someone else. I have friends that are on more of an acquaintance level because I have less in common with them than others....there are many different levels when it comes to friendships....they are not all created equal.....& that's OK.

You need to figure out who you are. Obviously if you are doing something obnoxious that makes people not want to be around you then that's something you need to figure out but basically, you will NEVER be friends with people you have no likes in common with or those who truly have nothing in common with you other than working at the same place......that doesn't create a commonality that truly bonds people together because people leave work places & go to new ones. Interests & personal values & beliefs are what bond people together in friendships & when someone doesn't have those aspects of themselves developed....people really don't know who you are to know if they want to be friends or not.

I agree with the last two posters. Your identity is something INDIVIDUAL that YOU need to develop on your own. The fact that you haven't really figured out who you are or what your talents are is probably impacting your ability to connect with others. If you don't have hobbies, interests, or talents that you are passionate about, you will have less to talk about and to less to connect with others over. People make friends based on shared interests, hobbies, and beliefs. Until you have some of those, you will probably struggle to find things to talk to other people about. What is interesting to you? What do you care about? What are you good at? Finding those things will also really help your self-esteem, whether you make more friends or not. Everyone needs to take pride in their skills or accomplishments to feel like they matter, or they make a difference in the world. Once you find those things, you will be happier and feel better about yourself and have an easier time drawing others towards you.

You are SO focused on finding those social connections that you might come off as desperate, and that might be pushing others away, too. Or you just may not have much to say, which makes it hard for others to find any commonality with you.

Another thought on this is that these people you call friends aren't really friends, they are nothing more than work acquaintances & that doesn't equal friends.

Friends are people you call to chat with things going on in your life about. Friends are people who you get together to celebrate things that happen in their lives or get together to give support when bad things happen. There to give them a hand when they need help with something in their lives & they give you a hand when there is something that you need help with.......that is true friendship. Chatting at the office with them is nothing more than being a work acquaintance & that has NOTHING to do with friendship.

I agree. Even saying they hate you is kind of contradiction as friends would not hate you. We can have friendships at work but unless it extends outside of work I wouldn't call them friends. I have two friends at work with whom I do things outside work and do things together plus help each other in need, we just happen to work together. Others I am friendly and social with but they aren't my friends at all

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I find quite often when someone treats you badly, that it is about jealousy.

How is it helpful in this context though? If this girl avoids OP or gives cold shoulder to OP how is this about jealousy?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This is the same girl that sort of sits near you right? The fact that she spent a lot of time at the beginning trying to talk to you and then based on the way you responded would totally explain her behavior now. At the beginning you sort of avoided her, at least that's what I took from your earlier thread. It seems like you've been very inconsistent with how you've interacted with her, so she likely has no idea what you actually think of her and thus doesn't know how to respond or treat you now.

The fact that she still initiate contact with you, to specifically include you, is evidence that you're likely misinterpreting a lot. People don't invite others out if they have no desire to know them or find them annoying. Those are likely outings that you would have no idea even happened so she could easily have not invited you and not worried about it.

You asked if women can tell the difference between someone who is awkward socially and someone who has a crush on them? Sometimes you can tell but sometimes you can't. Usually you are going to base your actions assuming the worst. You clearly do that in social situations so why would it be any different for her to do the same? I Will definitely respond as if it could turn out badly, I've even been somewhat stalked by a few men. She may be worried about leading you on along with not being sure about what you want from her due to your inconsistency.

I agree with others in this thread that you can't rely on a group of people to give you an identity. You have to come to a group already having your own identity. It would be coming off as very fake to the most likely. They would likely interpret Your social awkwardness as actually just being fake. Which would probably make them question your intentions. This would make it even harder for them to trust you or want to actually include you and become proper friends.

Ok, I finally got a chance to respond to this thread.

The real problem here is that this isn't new. This is a pattern. People have a tendency to get annoyed with me after I open up to them, and I have no idea why. I absolutely cannot see what I am doing wrong. If I were to evaluate myself, I would say I am intelligent, interesting and nice. But other people either don't see that or see something else that they hate.

I talked to my therapist about this yesterday, and I asked her this question(which most of you have not answered btw) about what the best way is to react to this situation in order to protect my dignity and my social life. She said that it has been shown in studies that totally keeping silent about it when someone disrespects you makes you more likely to keep getting disrespected. Her take on it is that I should have made a small retort without being too serious, like "jeez I was just making conversation sorry" or something like that.

However, since this event, I have mostly been isolating myself at work. I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation. If I go and try to be friendly, I am likely to get rejected and humiliated, but then if I keep to myself, I end up being isolated and looking like a weirdo. I don't understand with a conscience can be doing this to someone who has not been nothing but nice to them.

People gave you answers, but not quick fixes. It is your job at the end to decide which road to take.

Sounds like a personality issue IMO. My H was a nice, intelligent person but he also had an attitude & personality that could come across as a jerk when in came to really interfacing with him on a one to one personal level...he couldn't hide behind that nice, intelligent outer shell that was all people saw until they really had to interface with him & deal with the attitude issues.

Maybe you aren't really coming across to others as nice & intelligent if many other people are having the same problem with you....maybe something to look at with your T though they are very careful about dealing with issues like this.

It sounds to me like the person in question is giving you some very obvious signs that she has an issue with you. Do you really want any kind of relationship with people who can't express whatever issue they have with you?

I work at disengaging myself from people who exhibit the behaviors you describe.

I think I've seen similar patterns in my life, as well. But, I know myself, and I know that I do have good qualities. I also know how groups of people act. And most groups I've encountered, if I'm totally honest, exhibit behaviors that I find to be appalling. I'd rather be lonely than accept bad behavior. I don't want to act like those who enjoy being in the groups that I've encountered.

And maybe, just maybe, there are some groups out there who are decent. I'll keep looking for them.

Well, personality doesn't really change. It is pretty much ingrained in you from your early childhood. So am I supposed to accept that I'm the problem and everyone else is right to hate me?

However, I don't really know what you mean by "attitude issues". I think a person would be able to tell if they are being mean to other people.

And no I do not have a "nice, intelligent outer shell", I am a nice, intelligent person at the core. Saying dumb things because you aren't a quick thinker may make me appear unintelligent, but it certainly does not mean I actually am. Same goes for coming off as rude because I am socially awkward.