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  #26  
Old Feb 16, 2016, 06:38 PM
Anonymous200547
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I don't understand why does she need to tell she broke up with her BF? I am under impression she is a new acquaintance not long time friend plus he is very much older and not someone she regularly hangs out with . Why does she need to disclose such personal business?

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He implied that there is kind of romantic relationship going on. If that is the case, she would have told him about breaking up with her boyfriend to initiate a new one with him. But From what he said, there is nothing confirms that the relationship was romantic. So, since there were some actions like flowers and hugs after returns, I said me be she viewed their relationship as friendship. But then, she would have told him about her breaking up with her boyfriend, as I assume this what friends who hug and wait each others do. I should have said "she would have " and not "should have", though.

Last edited by Anonymous200547; Feb 16, 2016 at 09:46 PM.

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  #27  
Old Feb 16, 2016, 09:49 PM
Macd123 Macd123 is offline
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Your right it probably was just a friendship and I misread it. The trouble is that I'm really messed up in the relationship area. Last year I read the same signals with someone else and I got clobbered. So now I'm sitting at Dairy Queen and I see a picture on Facebook of her and her new boyfriend - my anxiety level went through the roof. I'm kinda scaring myself with this continuous ebb and flow. Now I probably won't sleep tonight and I feel defenseless against this assault. My feeble relationship history really makes me vulnerable to anxiety swings. Thing is I'm almost a senior citizen and I'm still having reactions like I'm in high school - yikes! I guess I could unfriend her but I don't want to. Right now I don't want to leave Dairy Queen because I'll be alone. Help!
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  #28  
Old Feb 16, 2016, 09:56 PM
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It is never late to change Macd123. I know it is hard, but it is not impossible. I am sure outer things will change, once inner change takes place. People with hopeless terminal illnesses fight fiercely their illness until the last moment. Life is worth fighting for. Roll up your sleeves and fight your battles, until you win your war.

We have a saying in my language which says "the door through which the (cold) wind blows, close it, and rest". If she brings you anxiety and depression, you don't need that. Free yourself for better. It is my opinion.
  #29  
Old Feb 16, 2016, 10:13 PM
Macd123 Macd123 is offline
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Thanks but I've fought a lot of battles in my life and they've all been negative and alone. I don't know how many more times I can climb off the mat - there is a lot of blood on the floor.
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  #30  
Old Feb 16, 2016, 10:27 PM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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Originally Posted by Nickname View Post
He implied that there is kind of romantic relationship going on. If that is the case, she would have told him about breaking up with her boyfriend to initiate a new one with him. But From what he said, there is nothing confirms that the relationship was romantic. So, since there were some actions like flowers and hugs after returns, I said me be she viewed their relationship as friendship. But then, she would have told him about her breaking up with her boyfriend, as I assume this what friends who hug and wait each others do. I should have said "she would have " and not "should have", though.

It wasn't romantic. Maybe this was a different situation, but in the past these young ladies were baristas or sales people at shops that OP visits. No matter how friendly these girls are with customers they are under no obligations to tell customers about break ups. Even if she wasn't customer rep, why would 20 year old initiate something with a man in his 60s, even if she has no boyfriend ? Nothing wrong with age difference but this is extreme and it's been ongoing issue with pursuing young sales clerks

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  #31  
Old Feb 16, 2016, 10:30 PM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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Originally Posted by Macd123 View Post
Thanks but I've fought a lot of battles in my life and they've all been negative and alone. I don't know how many more times I can climb off the mat - there is a lot of blood on the floor.

It seems that it's always same battle though. Pursuing unattainable women. Why not pursue the ones you have s chance with

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  #32  
Old Feb 16, 2016, 10:30 PM
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A Red Panda A Red Panda is offline
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Well..... You can start changing by a) not interacting with women significantly younger than you and b) when you do talk to a younger woman remember that she is viewing you as an older parent and will not be viewing you as a potential sexual partner so they are NOT flirting with you. And c) take people's advice and join a dating site.

You make the choice to interact with girls - and you've never mentioned in any of your threads anything about women even approaching your age bracket. It's not that you are doomed - you throw yourself into the fire and are surprised when it burns you.

Until you accept the fact that it is a choice you make... It will never get better. You have to take ownership over your actions and choices. You choose to fixate on young women. You choose to entertain the illusion that they are flirting with you. You choose to not make your intentions clear with them. You choose to not take advice on how to meet women who may view you as a potential mate.

It isn't that you are losing battles. You just choose to go to a race track dressed in football gear - you keep choosing to go to the wrong stadium. That's not losing a battle, it's not even attending the battle and being upset when the others don't stop and join your game.
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"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..."

"I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am.


Thanks for this!
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  #33  
Old Feb 16, 2016, 10:36 PM
Anonymous200547
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It wasn't romantic. Maybe this was a different situation, but in the past these young ladies were baristas or sales people at shops that OP visits. No matter how friendly these girls are with customers they are under no obligations to tell customers about break ups. Even if she wasn't customer rep, why would 20 year old initiate something with a man in his 60s, even if she has no boyfriend ? Nothing wrong with age difference but this is extreme and it's been ongoing issue with pursuing young sales clerks

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I judged from this post only. I didn't read other related posts to him. Yes, I agree, she is not under any obligation to tell him anything. As I said, I assumed may be they were friends, but actually my statement negate that, too, as "if she was a friend, she (would) have told you", see my point?
  #34  
Old Feb 16, 2016, 11:44 PM
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~Christina ~Christina is offline
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Macd,

I think that A Red Panda really got to the core of your on going issues when it comes to your relationships in life.. You say you have done therapy in the past and it didn't help? Well Maybe you need to retry it with someone else. Im sure there are a very small % of young girls that would get involved with a man your age.. but that is very very small. Kinda of like George Clooney finally realizing I am alive and show up at my door to wisk me away on his white stallion.....

So a reality check on your part might need to be your first "self grounding" " does ____ like me romantically?" If its someone providing you a serivce . coffee, store clerk, etc. They are being friendly because its there job. People chit chat and add people to Facebook all the time. She had no reason to talk about her breakup or seeing someone new.. So stopping and doing a self check /self grounding is in need, that is a learn able skill.

Obviously you are struggling with relationship issues , but I bet there are many people here that would benefit any advice you could offer them..

I have on many occasions not be doing so great myself and I am walking myself in a corner.. I just stop.. I choose to help others with advice or a hug .. Often the best medicine is getting out our own head and helping others ... By offering others support or just clicking Thanks could not only help them but you also. Many people have supported you in your threads.. Thanking them for there time or advice would be a very kind gesture.

You have been given tons of support and stellar advice.. When your constantly walking in a circle best thing to do is step out of that circle and stop beating and trying to feed a dead horse.

Good luck
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  #35  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 12:22 AM
Macd123 Macd123 is offline
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Well I usually say thanks in my threads. The thing is I don't plan on becoming attached to these people and I know I should probably focus on older women. That said I think I need to explain why I am struggling with this one. We didn't have casual how's the weather chats. She shared some things that I thought were things only very close friends would share. Granted I read this as she being interested. This was going on for eight months and I put some effort in trying to be her friend - I took it too far. About a month ago she told me I was her best friend - this probably means exactly that but I was gone by then and didn't really stop and digest the issue. So last week she posts a picture on Facebook announcing her new flame. What can I tell you I fell for her and it was stupid. Now that I look back I was probably just a tool she used to get through the ending she had with her previous boy friend. What I hate is the learning curve I'm on is too late - I don't want to be doing heartbreak at this late date. This might require not leaving the house because I'm pretty vulnerable and crazy. I've had a long life of inaction which is still haunting me. I've never been married or had a family - never been close. Right now I don't feel like starting a relationship - maybe I'll wake up again. She's actually 25 - I know young but an adult. Thanks everyone!
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  #36  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 12:32 AM
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I understand your feeling about your age, and it might be too late, but think about it: you have one exit from this. Take it. Don't keep yourself trapped looking for other non-existent exits. If I were you, I would delete her from FB, and focus on my self; better late than never, right? Could you tell us why you've spent your life in inaction? What prevents you from making relationships? Have you had a job? Friends?

Last edited by Anonymous200547; Feb 17, 2016 at 12:59 AM.
  #37  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 01:04 AM
Macd123 Macd123 is offline
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Okay long story short. I've had a history of social anxiety. I've been on anti-depressants most of my life. In my youth I was into alcohol and drugs. I was more interested in getting high than forming meaningful relationships. About 25 I woke up and got sober, went to college and got a masters in business. Then I entered the workforce. My first job was a disaster because I was so anxious around people I couldn't think - so I quit. I had a little more success with my second job but still felt people thought I was weird - so I quit. My final job, which I had for 32 years got me through life financially. During these years I never had a relationship that lasted more than a month - it took me that long to get comfortable with my anxiety. I did therapy for thirteen years and it was a failure as far as getting me out there. So now I'm retired with a nice pension (I retried at 57). I am comfortable financially but still struggle with social issues - it's like I've had a force field around me my whole life. Lately, I've been more aggressive with acquaintances to the point where I got into the current situation. So there you have it - I don't know anybody with this history. Everybody I know had experience with relationships - I feel like I was condemned from the start.
  #38  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 01:13 AM
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seeker1950 seeker1950 is offline
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I think it might help to break the pattern by seeking company of women closer to your age. You said you are in your 60s but previously went for girls in their 20s. It is recipe for disaster. How do you manage to spend any time with much younger women ? Like where?

Why don't you go for ladies closer to your age? You would certainly have better luck. I know single ladies in their 40s 50s and 60s. They are total fun! They aren't old in their looks or behavior at all and you might have a lot in common. I don't know what you have in common with young women

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What Divine said. Totally agree. If you are in your 60's and trying to bond with a 20-something, you're asking for rejection!

I'm sorry you're sad, and I can also identify with your long periods of recovery. I was that way for many years after divorce. I couldn't just bounce back or "get over it!" Eventually, I realized the problem was with ME, and decided to try something different. In my case, I abstained totally from dating till I felt content alone. It took me several years to do this. Now I'm content and don't want to be romantically involved. But I'm older, and my history was never good. Something needed to change, and I finally made it. As for you, I still recommend trying to find contentment alone. It is then you will probably meet someone, if that is your goal. If you're sad or desperate, you'll just drive her away. IF you could get involved in something worthwhile, an organization like Habitat for Humanity, for instance, you might meet someone there. I have coworker who met her spouse while fixing up houses.

I actually DON'T recommend the dating sites, since that is where I encountered many disastrous situations over a number of years. But maybe that is unfair, since others have found their soulmates thru that venue. I just found a bunch of losers on the take, looking for financial and emotional support without giving anything in return. If you are vulnerable, you are open to those sorts. Don't be.
  #39  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 01:17 AM
Macd123 Macd123 is offline
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I should get a cat.
  #40  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 01:30 AM
Anonymous200547
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Okay long story short. I've had a history of social anxiety. I've been on anti-depressants most of my life. In my youth I was into alcohol and drugs. I was more interested in getting high than forming meaningful relationships. About 25 I woke up and got sober, went to college and got a masters in business. Then I entered the workforce. My first job was a disaster because I was so anxious around people I couldn't think - so I quit. I had a little more success with my second job but still felt people thought I was weird - so I quit. My final job, which I had for 32 years got me through life financially. During these years I never had a relationship that lasted more than a month - it took me that long to get comfortable with my anxiety. I did therapy for thirteen years and it was a failure as far as getting me out there. So now I'm retired with a nice pension (I retried at 57). I am comfortable financially but still struggle with social issues - it's like I've had a force field around me my whole life. Lately, I've been more aggressive with acquaintances to the point where I got into the current situation. So there you have it - I don't know anybody with this history. Everybody I know had experience with relationships - I feel like I was condemned from the start.
Thanks. I see. It seems to me that you did well, job wise, at least. I am not your age, but I am also completely isolated socially. When I told you I would cry on Christmas and New Year Eves, I wasn't joking. I also have a good job, but no friends, and no relationships. I also probably have social anxiety. I am trying to get out of my comfort zone.

What are you thinking to do next to address your situation?
  #41  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 01:36 AM
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What Divine said. Totally agree. If you are in your 60's and trying to bond with a 20-something, you're asking for rejection!

I'm sorry you're sad, and I can also identify with your long periods of recovery. I was that way for many years after divorce. I couldn't just bounce back or "get over it!" Eventually, I realized the problem was with ME, and decided to try something different. In my case, I abstained totally from dating till I felt content alone. It took me several years to do this. Now I'm content and don't want to be romantically involved. But I'm older, and my history was never good. Something needed to change, and I finally made it. As for you, I still recommend trying to find contentment alone. It is then you will probably meet someone, if that is your goal. If you're sad or desperate, you'll just drive her away. IF you could get involved in something worthwhile, an organization like Habitat for Humanity, for instance, you might meet someone there. I have coworker who met her spouse while fixing up houses.

I actually DON'T recommend the dating sites, since that is where I encountered many disastrous situations over a number of years. But maybe that is unfair, since others have found their soulmates thru that venue. I just found a bunch of losers on the take, looking for financial and emotional support without giving anything in return. If you are vulnerable, you are open to those sorts. Don't be.
Your situation is different. You were in a relationship, and then decided to be alone. I think it is a valid quest for him to seek romantic relationships. I am content alone most of the time, but this doesn't mean I am willing to give up romantic relationships forever. Otherwise, I would have become a monk or hermit by now.
  #42  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 06:37 AM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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Originally Posted by Nickname View Post
I judged from this post only. I didn't read other related posts to him. Yes, I agree, she is not under any obligation to tell him anything. As I said, I assumed may be they were friends, but actually my statement negate that, too, as "if she was a friend, she (would) have told you", see my point?

I see what you are saying if she was a close friend or a romantic partner.

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  #43  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 06:47 AM
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I do understand your struggle. I wonder if you would benefit from holding a part time undemanding job even if you are retired. It is tough to suddenly have that much free time on your hand. That would give you some social time. And it would keep you busy.

I do understand difficulty finding relationships. I fail to understand why such young women one after another? Women in their 20s will not go for you romantically. I just don't understand why even consider it?. It is like deliberately setting yourself up for a failure. I don't really understand the attraction to women who could be your grandchildren. Not even children. I would probably look into it. What makes you even look at them?

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  #44  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 07:01 AM
nicoleflynn nicoleflynn is offline
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Been on the dating sites for TEN years. abysmal
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  #45  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 07:29 AM
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A Red Panda A Red Panda is offline
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Originally Posted by Macd123 View Post
We didn't have casual how's the weather chats. She shared some things that I thought were things only very close friends would share. Granted I read this as she being interested. This was going on for eight months and I put some effort in trying to be her friend - I took it too far. About a month ago she told me I was her best friend - this probably means exactly that but I was gone by then and didn't really stop and digest the issue. So last week she posts a picture on Facebook announcing her new flame. What can I tell you I fell for her and it was stupid. Now that I look back I was probably just a tool she used to get through the ending she had with her previous boy friend.

She's actually 25 - I know young but an adult. Thanks everyone!
Ok. Let's go through this.

She talked with you about a lot of things that are more than just casual acquaintance topics. You even say that they were conversations good friends would have - you are totally correct!

But that does not mean someone is interested. The generation gap has likely come in to play - most topics are easily shared amongst friends. The fact that she never mentioned her new boyfriend? That does not mean she used you. It means that she doesn't talk to men about relationships and sex. I'm the same way - I will talk to my male friends about most things with the exceptions of women's health topics, my sex life, and relationship information is always kept to a minimum. I am much more likely to talk to men about health problems than I am relationships as I view my relationships as much more emotionally private topics.

As you are in your sixties, clarifying that she is 25 really doesn't matter. My dad is 65. I am 31, and have siblings aged 30,38 and 44. The thought of dating someone my dads age?? I would never think of it as a possibility and it actually makes me feel sick if I make myself think of that. If you want to think of generations, many people have children in their early 20 (less so now but was common when I was born). So she is 25. Lets say her parents were 22. And their parents had them at 22. Her grandparents would be 69 and her parents 47. You are more likely to be her grandpa. Especially considering that you are retired- your stage of life is so far beyond hers.

In your post, you say the following things:
- she talked about topics not used for aquaintences
- you viewed that as her being interested
- at the time she was in a relationship (said previously not in the above quote)
- she said you were her best friend
- she got a new boyfriend (and she did not talk about him with you)
- you decide she has used you

What are the facts in that, and what are your interpretations? She treated you like a friend and nothing more. Nothing st all indicates that she was interested in more than friendship. If you include the age and life stage differences..... There is even less than zero indications of her being interested in more than friendship. She is likely clueless about your desires because most women would get the hell out of that situation quickly.
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"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..."

"I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am.


Thanks for this!
Trippin2.0, ~Christina
  #46  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 07:55 AM
Macd123 Macd123 is offline
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Yeah I'm aware I could be her grandparent but that still doesn't eliminate the fact that I developed real feelings for her. Maybe it's my lack of experience but that's the way it is. What I don't like is the withdrawl symptoms I have to go through to get her out of my system. I would prefer not to have to have sleepless nights at this point in my life. Maybe she wasn't interested but I sure looked forward to our talks. I'm also very envious of the guy she's now with - I don't know him but I can't get that picture out of my head of them together. You probably know the drill (drill is a good word for it) if you've ever been in an unrequited love situation. The idea that she would find a relationship with me repulsive doesn't really make this any easier. I probably know why I grow attached to young women (aside from primal instincts) I am truly saddened by the fact that I didn't have a torrid love affair when I was younger. This is something I'm never going to have and I might never get to a point where I can accept it. Well I just got to suck it up again and I hate it. I do know that time usually lessens the wound. So now I just gotta wait. Thanks everyone!
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  #47  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 08:19 AM
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A Red Panda A Red Panda is offline
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Well, I said it because it's how I would, and have felt. It can be scary and feel like a breach of trust when you discover someone so far beyond your age group had ulterior motives for being nice to you. It wasnt said to make you feel better, but to try to help you see things from her side. It's not like this is a new experience for you, you have a pattern of falling for young women. You need to break the pattern if you want to stop feeling this way.

You seem to keep thinking that this perception won't apply to you, that somehow no one will notice the age difference - even though it is the first thing people learn about someone else! If you could keep that in mind when meeting women it would make it easier to not get attached and misread everything they say or do.

What do you do that could put you in the vicinity of women who would see you as a viable mate? You can still have a passionate relationship, and it could even be meaningful, just with someone in your life stage.
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"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..."

"I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am.


Thanks for this!
Trippin2.0
  #48  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 08:19 AM
Anonymous59898
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From what you've written, particularly your last post, it seems to me like this pattern isn't so much about the young women as maybe about trying to reclaim the young years you feel you didn't live fully?

This may be a form of grieving you are going through, grief over your younger years and regrets. I think this can only be resolved within yourself, when you can have peace and self compassion for the life you have lived and the choices you made.

In terms of this woman, it sounds like she regards you as a friend, maybe a bit drastic to unfriend her but if you 'unfollow' her posts won't show in your news feed and she will be none the wiser. Personally I would be grateful for the friendship you have with her.
Thanks for this!
Bill3
  #49  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 11:47 AM
Macd123 Macd123 is offline
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Yes I agree - I feel a great loss at not having more people close to me over the course of my life. And yes I would love to keep her as a friend - god knows I could use more of them (especially women). She said some kind things to an old lonely man and I'm greatful for that. What would be nice is if I could still chat with her every once in a while and not get all gooey inside. Like I said I feel like I'm still in high school in the relationship area. I think it's going to be difficult to get up to speed on this stuff before I'm in the senior home. Another day and I gotta go out there - yikes. Thanks everybody!
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  #50  
Old Feb 17, 2016, 12:10 PM
Anonymous200547
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OK, keep her as a friend if you want, but try not to attach to her very much with false hope to the point of paralyzing yourself. Explore other alternatives. Just try that. Dwelling on the same idea won't change your situation. Sorry, but either you stay this way, or accept the change with all of what it entails from pains and fails. It is your choice. I wish there was another way around this, but you cannot change the past. You can still have a passionate love affair with older women. Like if you are in your late 50s, you can find women in their mid 40s or even late 30s. At this age, they are not that old, and many of them are beautiful, in shape, caring, and fun. The first thing came to my mind when I heard about dating younger women is that may be you wanted children. I don't know if this is the case, but still it is realizable with older women. Just try online dating sites and you will see broader options.
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