My husband and I have been married for a long time. To make a long story short, he has never known anyone with any of the issues that I have. He grew up with perfect parents, perfect friends, and he had a great life. My upbringing was the polar opposite of his. It wasn't a total nightmare, but it sure was far from easy!

As a result, a lot of things have scarred me for life. Emotionally and pyschiologically. Anyways, the other day I had a bad experience at a meetup group. Anyone who has read some of my posts know that I don't do well in large groups. Also that I'm insecure about my looks and being heavy now. Not to mention the fact that I'm obviously a shy and introverted person with self esteem issues. I suffer mostly from depression and social anxiety, but I have issues with other things too.

I don't have to many real friends that I can count on for support most of the time, so that's part of the reason that I'm here. It seems like everytime I have an issue with someone, or I happen to feel uncomfortable in a social situation, my husband expects me to suck things up and put aside my own feelings of discomfort in order to fit in and be liked, ugh!

In the past, he'd tell me that I'm "weird" for not wanting to hug strangers. These people didn't just try to hug me, but they'd try to kiss me on both sides of the cheek as it's a cultural thing for them. By not liking this, and by trying to tell these people that I'd rather just shake hands or not hug, he acted like I'm the rudest and most thoughtless person ever. Don't I have the right to not do anything that makes me extremely uncomfortable?

It's not like I knew these people. I could suck it up for someone in his family maybe, but not people who are friends of friends, ugh, WTH? Also, he told me that people don't like me since I'm "weird" and "unfriendly". He has told me that in the past, ugh! I've had his stupid and rude friends ignore me after saying hi to me in the past so often, that I refused to see them ever again after that.

We fought about it quite a bit. I won in the end- They'd rudely talk in another language in front of me all the time even though they were able to speakin English perfectly well. They just didn't like me, so they made no effort to include me in conversation at all. I don't get how he could not see that. They were awfully cliquey and it seemed that they could only relate to their own kind of people and not outsiders.

Anyways, he had the nerve to tell me that I needed to learn the language in order to fit in. Long story short, I refused again. What for, just to speak to those rude clowns? No thanks! LOL!

The lastest insult came yesterday when he claimed once again that I was "wrong", "weird", and being "stuck-up", "silly", and "unfriendly" just for not wanting to have my pic taken. I politely declined being in a group pic and he made it sound as if by not wanting to be in picture will make other people shun me and think badly of me.

Is he exaggerating or not? I think that his views are exaggerated and extreme. My feelings and needs don't seem to matter at all in group situations, so I have avoided them like the plaque for years!

Is he right in stating that I have to just suck it up regardless of my extreme discomfort doing certain things in social situations just to fit in and be accepted? I hope that he's wrong about this! Does anyone else agree or disagree with what he said? Or are some of you kind of in the middle of agreeing and disagreeing with some things?

How do you react to social situations that make you very uncomfortable? If someone tried to kiss you on the cheek, and they were a stranger, or take your pic w/o even asking you first, or something like that, how would you respond to it? Would you say anything at all, or just suck it up and try to avoid placing yourself in those awkward situations again?

I'd love to know what you guys think of all of this. I think that I have a RIGHT to how I feel, and that I'm not some stupid child who is soley there to do what other people want when they want. Even kids should be treated with similar respect as we have feelings too! And those feelings and boundaries should be respected at all times IMHO!

[yagr]

Let me start off by saying that while I only know you from your posts here, I like you. I really do. I'm going to say some things below that you might not want to hear - not because I think you are wrong; I don't think that. But because I have found that when I change the way I think about things I can find a way to be happier, and I very much wish you to be happier.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

I don't have to many real friends that I can count on for support most of the time, so that's part of the reason that I'm here. It seems like everytime I have an issue with someone, or I happen to feel uncomfortable in a social situation, my husband expects me to suck things up and put aside my own feelings of discomfort in order to fit in and be liked, ugh!

I am not going to pretend that I know the reason he says this, but there is an argument to be made defending his position. You want to fit in and be liked. You want friends. Typically, people give up a little bit of themselves to fit in better. That is not to say that you do not have the right to be yourself - you absolutely do, but if you do not compromise some to fit in - you won't.

I'm not suggesting you compromise on your morals or values...but perhaps on some of your discomforts or preferences. For me, I'm not interested in doing that - but then, I don't want friends and I don't want to fit in or be liked. I have one friend - my wife, and I'm just fine with that. If your not, then maybe you'll find more success if you bend in safe ways.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

In the past, he'd tell me that I'm "weird" for not wanting to hug strangers. These people didn't just try to hug me, but they'd try to kiss me on both sides of the cheek as it's a cultural thing for them. By not liking this, and by trying to tell these people that I'd rather just shake hands or not hug, he acted like I'm the rudest and most thoughtless person ever. Don't I have the right to not do anything that makes me extremely uncomfortable?

Yes, you have every right not to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. But it'll cost you. Your choice. Let's say I have an aversion to shaking hands. I'm not going to get far in a business career or as a politician. If my heart is set on a business career or as a politician, then I'm going to have to suck it up, put on my happy face and shake their hands. I'm also free to choose a different line of work that doesn't require (socially) shaking hands.

I can have anything I want - but I can't have everything I want. I have to make a choice. I absolutely hate being around people - loath it. When I was younger I had an opportunity to take a position in which I was paid over $100/hour - but I had to be social. There was another position open to me that didn't require me to be social - it paid minimum wage. I chose the money and did that work for twenty-four years. Every day after work I would go sit in a closet for two hours and detox from the contact. But it was my choice.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

It's not like I knew these people. I could suck it up for someone in his family maybe, but not people who are friends of friends, ugh, WTH? Also, he told me that people don't like me since I'm "weird" and "unfriendly". He has told me that in the past, ugh! I've had his stupid and rude friends ignore me after saying hi to me in the past so often, that I refused to see them ever again after that.

Yep, it's true - people don't like 'different'. It's a fact of life. Again, we have a choice - play by societal rules or play alone.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

The lastest insult came yesterday when he claimed once again that I was "wrong", "weird", and being "stuck-up", "silly", and "unfriendly" just for not wanting to have my pic taken. I politely declined being in a group pic and he made it sound as if by not wanting to be in picture will make other people shun me and think badly of me.

Well, he's right isn't he? That's exactly what happened - people talked about you behind your back, shunned you and thought badly about you. He's not wrong. And you're not wrong either - they are silly and judgmental and petty. But that's most people as you've figured out.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

Is he exaggerating or not? I think that his views are exaggerated and extreme. My feelings and needs don't seem to matter at all in group situations, so I have avoided them like the plaque for years!

I don't think he's exaggerating. In a group we give up part of our identity to fit in with the group identity. When people refuse to compromise their identity in small ways for the group, the group tends to ostracize them. I'm not saying it's right - but it is what happens.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

Is he right in stating that I have to just suck it up regardless of my extreme discomfort doing certain things in social situations just to fit in and be accepted? I hope that he's wrong about this! Does anyone else agree or disagree with what he said? Or are some of you kind of in the middle of agreeing and disagreeing with some things?

You are both 100% right. He is right that if you want to fit in, you'll have to suck it up; and you are right that you under absolutely no obligation to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

How do you react to social situations that make you very uncomfortable? If someone tried to kiss you on the cheek, and they were a stranger, or take your pic w/o even asking you first, or something like that, how would you respond to it? Would you say anything at all, or just suck it up and try to avoid placing yourself in those awkward situations again?

When in Rome, I do as the Romans do - and make a point of not going to Rome.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

I'd love to know what you guys think of all of this. I think that I have a RIGHT to how I feel, and that I'm not some stupid child who is soley there to do what other people want when they want. Even kids should be treated with similar respect as we have feelings too! And those feelings and boundaries should be respected at all times IMHO!

You have a right to how you feel. Your boundaries should be respected. But they have a right to how they feel too - and it seems they feel you are too high maintenance to deal with.

[healingme4me]

I take it this is your husband's cultural background? And you married him and by virtue married knowing these are his cultural expectations?

My adult nephew has a girlfriend, they are expecting a child. Met her a couple of years ago when I was registering my kids into their current district. Met the girlfriend who made a remark that Noway...NoHow was she having anything to do with even Trying to learn his other language, the one used in my childrens paternal family. It didn't sit well with me, her saying that. I did find that insulting. I am nowhere near fluent, i know a little, not because of having children that are relatives, but just because. I can go to a store and ask how much, if necessary and I've been told I've a lovely accent, very proper actually for what little i speak. It shows respect for others when trying.
In family settings its cheek kissing one side and hugs. If i went to europe itd be the same or if i traveled through latin america the same...

What about it scares you? What's the mental block? Your discomfort isn't wrong, however...

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk

[eskielover]

So often different cultures that come together in marriage expect the other one to change.....maybe that's why many times it's suggested that different cultures don't marry because of the difficulties like this that it causes.

If you didn't like being a part of that culture why did you marry into it in the first place.....all aspects of a person we need to take into account before taking a relationship into marriage.

a lot of things have scarred me for life. Emotionally and pyschiologically.

Actually this is NOT necessary to be scarred for life. It's a known fact that the neuropathways that have been developed through bad coping skills & bad experiences growing up, CAN BE reprogrammed, just as new skills can be learned by someone after having a stroke or a traumatic Brain injury. It just takes work at reprogramming the thinking & replacing it with functional thinking.

Personally, I HOLD my MORAL values & no one will EVER change those as they are something that I value beyond everything else. Beliefs that I hold as truth, no one will EVER change that, but getting along with people in other ways, I will tend to adapt. If I don't feel comfortable around certain people.....I won't go anywhere around them....but the choice is OURS.

If you don't like the people your H is around, there is nothing that says you have to associate with them & if your H wants to give you a hard time, you can always tell him where to go as he seems to be good at telling you what you should & shouldn't do.

You know lots of people have been married for a long time....but it doesn't make it a functional marriage when there is so much dysfunction involved. My parents were married for over 45 years & they were totally dysfunctional....& I lived with a dysfunctional H for over 33 years until I finally had enough & was willing to walk out because I could no longer tolerate the life I was living......we all have to make decisions at one level or another.

[divine1966]

I don't know if you were right or wrong in that situation with other women but I wonder about your marriage. So your husband thinks you are weird and so on. Did he not know you are socially a bit anxious? Is it news to him? How long you've been married? How is your marriage otherwise

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Trippin2.0]

Exactly what yagr said.


Excellent post btw sir

[Fuzzybear]

[hvert]

It sounds like your husband isn't the best person to take these issues to, because he doesn't get it the way you do. I'm guessing that when you go to him, you aren't looking for practical advice so much as you want to be heard.

I also hate being in group photos and don't like being hugged. Sometimes I will put my hand up in front of my face to block the photo, other times I will ask not to be photographed, sometimes I will just go along with it because saying something or moving is too hard. I'm trying to become more relaxed about that stuff because I do think it can be off putting for others. As I get older, I'm realizing that I can't have X without giving up a little Y, I guess, and I'd rather have X than Y.

So, yeah, everything yagr said

[PieceofMe]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

My husband and I have been married for a long time. To make a long story short, he has never known anyone with any of the issues that I have. He grew up with perfect parents, perfect friends, and he had a great life. My upbringing was the polar opposite of his. It wasn't a total nightmare, but it sure was far from easy!

As a result, a lot of things have scarred me for life. Emotionally and pyschiologically. Anyways, the other day I had a bad experience at a meetup group. Anyone who has read some of my posts know that I don't do well in large groups. Also that I'm insecure about my looks and being heavy now. Not to mention the fact that I'm obviously a shy and introverted person with self esteem issues. I suffer mostly from depression and social anxiety, but I have issues with other things too.

I don't have to many real friends that I can count on for support most of the time, so that's part of the reason that I'm here. It seems like everytime I have an issue with someone, or I happen to feel uncomfortable in a social situation, my husband expects me to suck things up and put aside my own feelings of discomfort in order to fit in and be liked, ugh!

In the past, he'd tell me that I'm "weird" for not wanting to hug strangers. These people didn't just try to hug me, but they'd try to kiss me on both sides of the cheek as it's a cultural thing for them. By not liking this, and by trying to tell these people that I'd rather just shake hands or not hug, he acted like I'm the rudest and most thoughtless person ever. Don't I have the right to not do anything that makes me extremely uncomfortable?

It's not like I knew these people. I could suck it up for someone in his family maybe, but not people who are friends of friends, ugh, WTH? Also, he told me that people don't like me since I'm "weird" and "unfriendly". He has told me that in the past, ugh! I've had his stupid and rude friends ignore me after saying hi to me in the past so often, that I refused to see them ever again after that.

We fought about it quite a bit. I won in the end- They'd rudely talk in another language in front of me all the time even though they were able to speakin English perfectly well. They just didn't like me, so they made no effort to include me in conversation at all. I don't get how he could not see that. They were awfully cliquey and it seemed that they could only relate to their own kind of people and not outsiders.

Anyways, he had the nerve to tell me that I needed to learn the language in order to fit in. Long story short, I refused again. What for, just to speak to those rude clowns? No thanks! LOL!

The lastest insult came yesterday when he claimed once again that I was "wrong", "weird", and being "stuck-up", "silly", and "unfriendly" just for not wanting to have my pic taken. I politely declined being in a group pic and he made it sound as if by not wanting to be in picture will make other people shun me and think badly of me.

Is he exaggerating or not? I think that his views are exaggerated and extreme. My feelings and needs don't seem to matter at all in group situations, so I have avoided them like the plaque for years!

Is he right in stating that I have to just suck it up regardless of my extreme discomfort doing certain things in social situations just to fit in and be accepted? I hope that he's wrong about this! Does anyone else agree or disagree with what he said? Or are some of you kind of in the middle of agreeing and disagreeing with some things?

How do you react to social situations that make you very uncomfortable? If someone tried to kiss you on the cheek, and they were a stranger, or take your pic w/o even asking you first, or something like that, how would you respond to it? Would you say anything at all, or just suck it up and try to avoid placing yourself in those awkward situations again?

I'd love to know what you guys think of all of this. I think that I have a RIGHT to how I feel, and that I'm not some stupid child who is soley there to do what other people want when they want. Even kids should be treated with similar respect as we have feelings too! And those feelings and boundaries should be respected at all times IMHO!

I'm fat so I wouldn't want my pic taken either. I don't even take my own pic and post online anymore. I'm waiting for a major weight loss so I can finally have my pic taken and posted proudly.

Originally Posted by yagr

Let me start off by saying that while I only know you from your posts here, I like you. I really do. I'm going to say some things below that you might not want to hear - not because I think you are wrong; I don't think that. But because I have found that when I change the way I think about things I can find a way to be happier, and I very much wish you to be happier.


I am not going to pretend that I know the reason he says this, but there is an argument to be made defending his position. You want to fit in and be liked. You want friends. Typically, people give up a little bit of themselves to fit in better. That is not to say that you do not have the right to be yourself - you absolutely do, but if you do not compromise some to fit in - you won't.

I'm not suggesting you compromise on your morals or values...but perhaps on some of your discomforts or preferences. For me, I'm not interested in doing that - but then, I don't want friends and I don't want to fit in or be liked. I have one friend - my wife, and I'm just fine with that. If your not, then maybe you'll find more success if you bend in safe ways.


Yes, you have every right not to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. But it'll cost you. Your choice. Let's say I have an aversion to shaking hands. I'm not going to get far in a business career or as a politician. If my heart is set on a business career or as a politician, then I'm going to have to suck it up, put on my happy face and shake their hands. I'm also free to choose a different line of work that doesn't require (socially) shaking hands.

I can have anything I want - but I can't have everything I want. I have to make a choice. I absolutely hate being around people - loath it. When I was younger I had an opportunity to take a position in which I was paid over $100/hour - but I had to be social. There was another position open to me that didn't require me to be social - it paid minimum wage. I chose the money and did that work for twenty-four years. Every day after work I would go sit in a closet for two hours and detox from the contact. But it was my choice.


Yep, it's true - people don't like 'different'. It's a fact of life. Again, we have a choice - play by societal rules or play alone.


Well, he's right isn't he? That's exactly what happened - people talked about you behind your back, shunned you and thought badly about you. He's not wrong. And you're not wrong either - they are silly and judgmental and petty. But that's most people as you've figured out.


I don't think he's exaggerating. In a group we give up part of our identity to fit in with the group identity. When people refuse to compromise their identity in small ways for the group, the group tends to ostracize them. I'm not saying it's right - but it is what happens.


You are both 100% right. He is right that if you want to fit in, you'll have to suck it up; and you are right that you under absolutely no obligation to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.


When in Rome, I do as the Romans do - and make a point of not going to Rome.


You have a right to how you feel. Your boundaries should be respected. But they have a right to how they feel too - and it seems they feel you are too high maintenance to deal with.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I like you too. Thanks for your great response! Sorry for my slow one! I've been more depressed and tired than usual. It doesn't hurt that I feel that some of my friends are ignorning me or even having second thoughts about being friends it seems like.

Anyways, I digress.....you're right about what you said. Especially the part to where most people don't seem to like people who are different from them. That sucks that you had to suck it up in a job that you hated for so long! The money must have been really great for you to endure hiding out in the closet for two hours just to detox, lol.

As for being high maitenance, I'm not. I just want people to respect my boundaries and not try to force me to be someone and something I'm not just to please them. Why should I try to change for people who want me to change just so THEY could feel comfortable around me? If they can't accept my real self and respect some of my differences, then there is no reason for me to even want to try to suck it up for such selfish and judgemental idiots who can't or won't even try to make some adjustments for me to make me more comfortable around them.

For example, my husbands friends could've tried to make me feel more comfortable and have sucked things up for me in the past by speaking English to me. By not doing so, they showed an obvious lack of concern for my feelings.

So other people are usually the real divas IMHO as THEY expect ME to always sucks it up for THEM, and then reject me when I don't play by their rules. It seems like it's to hard for them to make any exceptions. They're to selfish to care about other peoples feelings, so to hell with people like them I say.

If I don't want other people to kiss me on the cheek or hug me too, and I make it obvious by just extending my hand for a handshake, or I keep my distance from the when they do that, then that's their issue, not mine. When people from a different culture come here, they should not expect Americans to act like them. Does that make any sense? I hear what you're saying though.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I take it this is your husband's cultural background? And you married him and by virtue married knowing these are his cultural expectations?

My adult nephew has a girlfriend, they are expecting a child. Met her a couple of years ago when I was registering my kids into their current district. Met the girlfriend who made a remark that Noway...NoHow was she having anything to do with even Trying to learn his other language, the one used in my childrens paternal family. It didn't sit well with me, her saying that. I did find that insulting. I am nowhere near fluent, i know a little, not because of having children that are relatives, but just because. I can go to a store and ask how much, if necessary and I've been told I've a lovely accent, very proper actually for what little i speak. It shows respect for others when trying.
In family settings its cheek kissing one side and hugs. If i went to europe itd be the same or if i traveled through latin america the same...

What about it scares you? What's the mental block? Your discomfort isn't wrong, however...

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk

--------------------------------------------------------------------
I can understand how you feel. Some people aren't good with learning other languages though. I tried to learn my husbands lanuage, and trust me, it's very hard! I tried to speak a few words in his language, but I could never be fluent in it! It's much harder than Spanish and French for sure, and I never got past a certain point in school after trying to learn it.

So I did make an effort to learn it and speak it. I still got rejected and judged, ugh! So I gave up. Why try to please other people who won't even have the decency to try to talk to me in English when most of them speak it so well? It's truly insulting to me. If the situation was reversed, I'd try to talk to them in English!

Also, I have never liked hugging that much. Let alone kissing. Especially with strangers. Yuck! I worry about bad breath, and to me, to be that intimate with a stranger is just weird IMHO. I wouldn't go to Europe and expect them to act like an American, so why would foreigners come here and expect us to act like them? Does that make any sense? I hear what you're saying though.

Originally Posted by eskielover

So often different cultures that come together in marriage expect the other one to change.....maybe that's why many times it's suggested that different cultures don't marry because of the difficulties like this that it causes.

If you didn't like being a part of that culture why did you marry into it in the first place.....all aspects of a person we need to take into account before taking a relationship into marriage.

Actually this is NOT necessary to be scarred for life. It's a known fact that the neuropathways that have been developed through bad coping skills & bad experiences growing up, CAN BE reprogrammed, just as new skills can be learned by someone after having a stroke or a traumatic Brain injury. It just takes work at reprogramming the thinking & replacing it with functional thinking.

Personally, I HOLD my MORAL values & no one will EVER change those as they are something that I value beyond everything else. Beliefs that I hold as truth, no one will EVER change that, but getting along with people in other ways, I will tend to adapt. If I don't feel comfortable around certain people.....I won't go anywhere around them....but the choice is OURS.

If you don't like the people your H is around, there is nothing that says you have to associate with them & if your H wants to give you a hard time, you can always tell him where to go as he seems to be good at telling you what you should & shouldn't do.

You know lots of people have been married for a long time....but it doesn't make it a functional marriage when there is so much dysfunction involved. My parents were married for over 45 years & they were totally dysfunctional....& I lived with a dysfunctional H for over 33 years until I finally had enough & was willing to walk out because I could no longer tolerate the life I was living......we all have to make decisions at one level or another.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
First of all, I was very young when I got married. I was 21 I think. And I knew nothing of his culture at all. I didn't know much about it until I visited his country and met his family and friends who were there. I was able to put up with some of the differences since they lived so far away, that I wouldn't have to deal with them that much.

I could avoid them if I wanted to by pretending to be tired or sick. He'd go there way to often to visit them, like 4 times a day which is overkill for me. I can see why some people prefer not to marry outside of their culture. It took me awhile to tell my husband where to go as I had only one loser b.f before him and knew very little about men and relationships.

I had no experienced friends that I could really talk to most of the time. And I couldn't talk to my mom as she is the worst listener there is, and a huge gossip to boot. I also had a much lower self esteem back then and I wasn't assertive most of the time. So I sufferend in silence for years. I finally had enough, and once I put my foot down, all hell broke loose. He finally stopped trying to change me to please his friends. My feelings have finally come first for a change, yay!

Anyways, sorry to hear about your marriage. I'm glad to hear that you got out of that as it was no good for you apparently. I hope that you're doing better now.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don't know if you were right or wrong in that situation with other women but I wonder about your marriage. So your husband thinks you are weird and so on. Did he not know you are socially a bit anxious? Is it news to him? How long you've been married? How is your marriage otherwise

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

---------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, he does think that I'm weird, and different, etc....He is aware that I suffere from depression and social anxiety and panic attacks, but he never really tried to understand it at all. He thinks that it's all in my head. He thinks that I'm also a "hyprochrondriac" who likes going to the Drs., ugh! I sure don't!

We've been married for about 22 years now. He'll never change or accept me for who I really am, but oddly enough, we get along OK most of the time. I no longer have to deal with his rude friends and family, so that helps a lot- Also, we are both quite introverts and I give him his space, and he gives me mine, so things work for us that way. It helps that we do agree on some things-

Hi FuzzyBear!

Originally Posted by hvert

It sounds like your husband isn't the best person to take these issues to, because he doesn't get it the way you do. I'm guessing that when you go to him, you aren't looking for practical advice so much as you want to be heard.

I also hate being in group photos and don't like being hugged. Sometimes I will put my hand up in front of my face to block the photo, other times I will ask not to be photographed, sometimes I will just go along with it because saying something or moving is too hard. I'm trying to become more relaxed about that stuff because I do think it can be off putting for others. As I get older, I'm realizing that I can't have X without giving up a little Y, I guess, and I'd rather have X than Y.

So, yeah, everything yagr said

--------------------------------------------------------------------
You're right, he's not the best person to talk to about these things. First of all, he's stoic and most emotional topics seem to either baffle or annoy him. I still like to get his side of certain situations though. He is set in his ways and quite judgmental too which I hate.

He is always honest with me though. I do need him to both listen to me and to give me advice. He can never really relate to most of what I go through though. It seems like not even most of my friends would be able to relate to me when it comes to some things.

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only person on here who hates being in pics- I do the same things that you do, lol! I am really self conscious now, more than ever since I'm still 80lbs. overweight. I look big in all my pics no matter what, so I hate them even more than I used to. It doesn't help that people have called me fat to my face, a couple of mean grown men who didn't even know me called me a fat cow to my face! WTH? I told them both off of course, how rude!

And a few women have had the nerve to ask me if I was pregnant. WTH? Ugh! So I don't want other people looking at me and go, is she pregnant? Wow, she sure has put on a ton of weight! Or wow, that woman is obese! Who'd want that?

If someone can't or won't respect my boundaries, then I refuse to make exceptions for them. Fair is fair after all. Like someone else on here said, if someone can't respect a small boundary like that, then what else are they not going to respect? That sums up things perfectly.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

--------------------------------------------------------------------
I can understand how you feel. Some people aren't good with learning other languages though. I tried to learn my husbands lanuage, and trust me, it's very hard! I tried to speak a few words in his language, but I could never be fluent in it! It's much harder than Spanish and French for sure, and I never got past a certain point in school after trying to learn it.

So I did make an effort to learn it and speak it. I still got rejected and judged, ugh! So I gave up. Why try to please other people who won't even have the decency to try to talk to me in English when most of them speak it so well? It's truly insulting to me. If the situation was reversed, I'd try to talk to them in English!

Also, I have never liked hugging that much. Let alone kissing. Especially with strangers. Yuck! I worry about bad breath, and to me, to be that intimate with a stranger is just weird IMHO. I wouldn't go to Europe and expect them to act like an American, so why would foreigners come here and expect us to act like them? Does that make any sense? I hear what you're saying though.

If you've tried and it's difficult then I feel he's completely out of line. I don't personally mind hugs and cheek kissing, even new to family provided it's done in a family atmosphere, if that clarifies? I hear you about strangers, gosh if I walked into a pta meeting with that expected stated or otherwise I'd be weirded out, especially where there's a diversity level as high a percentage as it is here. If not family, I'm really not about being addressed like family. Hugs and cheek is formal in informal surroundings, meaning it's a formality even as today with new to me 'family' at my sister's baby shower. For instance, in leaving that was the goodbye gesture between myself and the mother of my sister's fiance. A handshake upon entry.

Not sure why your husband finds your feelings weird?

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by healingme4me

If you've tried and it's difficult then I feel he's completely out of line. I don't personally mind hugs and cheek kissing, even new to family provided it's done in a family atmosphere, if that clarifies? I hear you about strangers, gosh if I walked into a pta meeting with that expected stated or otherwise I'd be weirded out, especially where there's a diversity level as high a percentage as it is here. If not family, I'm really not about being addressed like family. Hugs and cheek is formal in informal surroundings, meaning it's a formality even as today with new to me 'family' at my sister's baby shower. For instance, in leaving that was the goodbye gesture between myself and the mother of my sister's fiance. A handshake upon entry.

Not sure why your husband finds your feelings weird?

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, doing that with people that you barely know, or are not close to is weird to me. He thinks that my feelings are weird since he thinks that everyone should suck it up to fit in at times.

I disagree. He also has cared a lot more about other people's feelings than mine. Ugh! At least I no longer have to worry about all of that-

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, doing that with people that you barely know, or are not close to is weird to me. He thinks that my feelings are weird since he thinks that everyone should suck it up to fit in at times.

I disagree. He also has cared a lot more about other people's feelings than mine. Ugh! At least I no longer have to worry about all of that-

Did something change, that you don't have worry about that?

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Did something change, that you don't have worry about that?

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk

---------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, it sure did, but before that happened, we had a lot of fights. I'd even go so far as to say fine, I'll go see your friends. Then I'd act out passive agressively and sulk the whole time and end up not saying much of anything. I hate to say this, but it did help me to get out of no longer getting invited to events.

I was younger back then. Bascially I stuck to my guns and flat out told him how uncomfortable I felt in their company, so he finally gave up on trying to get me to change. Especially when I told him, look, if so and so does this, then you have two choices, you let me tell them how I feel, or you do it. He refused to let me do either most of the time, and he was always afraid that I'd say something "rude", so he reluctantly had to speak up on my behalf a few times.

We used to hang out with one of his emloyees who was an old pervert. He'd leer at me all the time and make inappropriate sexual jokes and comments, but not directly at me exactly. And he did this in front of his weird g.f too who would just sit there and hardly say anything to me most of the time. She was American btw and she spoke English of course. I don't think that she was shy either.

So one day he finally had to have a word with his creepy employee. I'm not exaggerating the creep factor. He kept on trying to read emails that I was typing when I went to the office once. I kept on having to close the screen. He then prentened to be a customer when he left the office as a joke.

He'd do stuff to annoy me a lot, and it was to much. Even my husband thought that he was an old pervert, but that was fine with him as he's kind of one too at times, ugh! He got fired or left a long time ago, but not because of me.

Thank god that most of his friends and family live really far away-

[eskielover]

Huh??????? I don't read anything in what you posted that indicates what changed? you said that guy got fired or left a long time ago.....your problems still exist NOW? So what changed? or is it that you just aren't invited any longer? It still doesn't change your H & the way he is toward you? I'm confused

[divine1966]

I am also confused on what changed? Nothing seems to change about your husband thinking you are weird and you being upset etc etc

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by eskielover

Huh??????? I don't read anything in what you posted that indicates what changed? you said that guy got fired or left a long time ago.....your problems still exist NOW? So what changed? or is it that you just aren't invited any longer? It still doesn't change your H & the way he is toward you? I'm confused

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, first of all, my husband stopped pressuring me to spend time with his friends or go anywhere that I don't want to go. He's finally realized that he can't change me. So he stopped trying to-

And yes, he does still joke around about me being weird or whatever, but it's not done in a mean way anymore. He is more accepting of who I am now even though he doesn't like the fact that I'm different at times. Like I said, he's not trying to control me anymore.

He doesn't bother me to change like he used to. He'll just make a comment about how it's weird that I act or think like I do, but either in a joking way, or when I don't manage to fit in with other people like my difficult parents. He thinks that I should try to please my parents since they're my parents and that they're old and they won't change, so I should or some crap like that.

OK, I hope that didn't confuse you. Hopefully I managed to clear things up-

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am also confused on what changed? Nothing seems to change about your husband thinking you are weird and you being upset etc etc

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I just wrote a reply explaining that to Eskie. So basically he doesn't try to control or try to change who I am anymore. And he no longer forces me to spend time with his friends or family! Thank goodness for that! Yay!

[divine1966]

So you aren't getting along neither with his family or friends nor with yours? Is it hard on him if he tries to socialize? Do you two just spend time together? No other people?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by divine1966

So you aren't getting along neither with his family or friends nor with yours? Is it hard on him if he tries to socialize? Do you two just spend time together? No other people?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I get along with most of his friends OK. But I'd much rather not deal with being around them as I stated eariler that they'll speak in their own language and ignore me. Why would I want to be around people like that? Who really would?

Not me! He does socialize, but he mostly talks to his friends on the phone, or he meets them in person now w/o me around, yay! And I forgot to mention that the invites have stopped coming our way, so YAY!!! LOL! I'm sure that he still gets invited to do stuff, but I never know about it.

Yeah, we just spend time alone together now. Woo hoo!!!! I know this sounds over the top, but OMG, I went through hell for years fighting him on this issue and dealing with people who clearly didn't like me, but acted this out in a very passive aggressive way by trying to ignore me when I was around, ugh! No more!!!!