My Mother ***May Trigger***

My mother and I have never really had a great relationship. I really think that there are certain types of people that should never have children, and she is one of them. When I was nine, she decided to move my two brothers and myself across the United States because her boyfriend wanted to move from Pennsylvania to Ohio. She knew that he hated my brother and I (the youngest brother is his child, so of course he didn't hate him), but she chose to move anyways. My brother and I endured three years of unspeakable abuse at the hands of this man, and when I told her about it I was called a liar, and punished with two or more days without leaving my bedroom except to use a bathroom, and was served bread and water in my cell (I mean, bedroom) for meals.

Finally, she wised up and left the guy. However, to this day she will not admit the abuse that occurred, nor will she take responsibility for letting it happen. After she left him, she moved us back home to Ohio, where we are originally from. She got her old job back ( a GREAT job) but lost it within a year because she frequently went to work late and drunk, always with a different excuse. When she lost her job, she started collecting unemployment and bought a lot of Peach Schnapps and a computer. She quickly became a stay at home mother with an addiction to the internet and alcohol. (By this time she was re-married.) She met and slept with a lot of men, sometimes recording tapes, and leaving them laying around. Her husband knew, but never left her.

Because she refused to work and I was the oldest, I went to school from 7am until 12noon, and then work from 2pm until 10pm...doing homework, laundry, cooking meals,paying bills, buying groceries, and checking my brother's homework in my spare time. She became increasingly abusive. Verbally and physically. She also became the Queen of all-expense-paid-guilt trips. To her, nothing mattered as long as she got what she wanted.

My younger brother, when he was 16, decided that he could no longer take the abuse and ridicule from our mother. He moved our and decided that he wanted to have nothing to do with her. He quit speaking to her and severed all ties. I never did.

***Present Day***
I am married, and live on my own. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, and Severe OCD. My mother is still in my life. I call her occasionally to make sure that she is okay, and to let her know that I am okay. Recently, her boyfriend passed away. She was there when it happened. Since he passed away, she has made it her business to make my life her business.

She calls me, and if I am not home or do not answer the phone, she calls other relatives and friends that she knows I talk to and attempts to get them to tell her where I am at, or at the very least to tell me to call her. I feel as though my privacy is being violated. I can't even call someone without hearing "Your mom called and wants you to call her". I called her tonight, because I got a message from someone, and she says "I haven't heard from you in five days!". Okay...I've gone a lot longer without calling her, and now, all of a sudden, because she is bored, she wants to push her way into my life and control me into calling her.

I'm so mad right now that I don't know what to do. Should I confront her and tell her to quit calling around looking for me...that when I get the damn call on my phone that I will call her? I did not say anything to her yet, because I know that she will call all of the people that I talk to in the family, and some outside of the family and whine about me telling her to stop and beg them to tell her why I don't love her (I do, a lot, but she always tells me that I don't), beg them to tell her what I am up to...etc. She even calls my husband's boss AT WORK, to find out how good of a worker my husband has been this week.

Should I call her and tell her to stop, that she has no right to do this and that I am not going to stand for it, or should I keep quiet so that she does not call everyone I know and whine to them and annoy them to the point where they wash their hands of me just so that they do not have to talk to her?

I AM FED UP!!!!!!!!!!

Someone please help me...I am so anxious over this that I feel as though I am going to die...

I have a not-great relationship with my mother, too, although for different reasons. I'm not sure what to tell you to do, because I can't even solve my own problem. I can tell you that your mother is unreasonable and I relate to the violation of privacy issue you have with her. I snapped at my mom last night because she called while I was on the phone, and stupid me told her I had called my bank (I tend to be pretty honest, and have a bad habit of revealing information without thinking first), and she wanted to know if I had overdrawn my account, like it's her business if I did (I hadn't, and haven't in years!!!). She worries about it, and she'll get all upset, and the more you try to tell her that you find it disrespectful, the more upset she gets and will become anxious and worrisome. She asks rude and nosy questions a lot. She doesn't understand why a friend of hers doesn't want to reveal her weight, when my mom was open to her about her own weight (without being asked). She thinks her friend is rude to not tell her.

I'm not trying to put the focus on me, but just sharing that I understand the privacy issue and having a difficult mother.

You can try to tell her how you feel and be honest with her--isn't that what psychs usually recommend? But she may not respond positively to the information, or change her ways. Let us know how it goes, whether you do or not. Good luck.

(((mountaingirl)))

Poor you, it doesn't sound very easy. I think the best way to resolve it is, if you're ready, next time she calls just say assertively that you would prefer her not to interfere with your life. Tell her how it makes you feel, if you want. After that, don't answer her calls unless you feel like talking to her. You don't have to be mean, just assertive, and hopefully she'll get the message.

That kind of assertive communication can be difficult in a situation like yours tho, maybe talking to a therapist or something could help you?

Good luck, anyway, I'm really sorry that its making you anxious. You are not at fault here.

Hi there Mountain Girl --

It sounds as if you have to do something for the sake of your sanity. I worked with my T on establishing boundaries for my mother. She wasn't like yours, meddling, but would say negative undermining things.

When you assert yourself, I think you will have to give her clear messages about what she is not to do: You may not call my husband's employer because that is not appropriate. You may not call my friends to find out how I am doing.

How did she get all those phone numbers anyway?

The first time I gave my mother a clear message, she hung on me in a huff. Be prepared for a negative reaction and a few days when you two may not be on speaking terms.

My mom, however, learned new ways of behavior. My T also taught me to praise her when the disturbing behaviors stopped. So, after a few days, you may have to call your mother and compliment her for her self-restraint in not calling your friends. This carrot-and-stick approach has resulted in my having the best relationship I've ever had with my mother in life, after decades of barely getting along.

As well, it sounds like your moth is lonely and does not have a life of her own. Perhaps you can help her find new interests, volunteering, etc.

(((((MountainGirl)))) I am sorry to hear all this.

I think that if nobody confronts her it will never stop, so the best thing to do is probably to confront her and tell her that she doesnt have to know everything about your life and that you prefer to live your own life, with your own family. Explain that calling every now and then is okay, but all the time and calling everyone asking where you are is a little much. also the fact that she calls your husbands boss is a little much i think. I hope this helps and that everything turns out okay!

You're mother obviously has many issues. I sponsored a young girl, who at 16 was the mother in the relationship. You have many similarities.

Initially I was going to say to ignore her, but when she calls your husbands job that's a problem. She needs to be told she can't do that and if she persists than you should file a restraining order against her.

As far as your relatives telling you that she is looking for you, just say thank you, she knows where I am.

It's very hard I'm sure but you can't allow her to destroy you and your family's life. Make it CLEAR to her and if she persists, get that restraining order.

Tranquility