Discussing marriage with someone I've never met

Most certainly you have a lot to offer but to a nice man. You said he is stalking you and you are scared and you get nightmares. He didn't come across as a nice man. From how he sounds in your description he is pretty scary, controlling and manipulative plus his life style is a bit off. You said he told you he likes to seduce people. That's not very nice. I know it's not what you want to hear but I have hard time telling you he is good news.

I don't know if he writes to many other people but if he is stalking people they maybe blocked him. Thats I cannot tell.

If you are happy and content in this relationship, then of course there is no problem. To me he doesn't sound like fun entertainment, but I might be wrong. Discussing marriage with him is fine if you are both happy. Good luck

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I'm sorry to swoop in here late in the thread. But, what you are doing may be dangerous. If you are both tripping on a fantasy and it will come to nothing, fine. But I think you need to discuss that and put it in perspective with this man. He may believe everything to be real and true, and may go to force you into some real commitment. When you try to pull away from him, he may freak out and get violent. He may kidnap you. I hate to be an alarmist, but I am very serious. I had an incident that had to end with a restraining order and this is a little similar in how the phone relationship has gone down a commitment path.

And I did not meet my man by his being a random stranger online! Who started out as a self proclaimed stalker!

My gut tells me that if he has not already tried to see you in person, he is not going to at all. But, this is going way too far emotionally, and it really could get very dangerous. You are playing with fire!

Hello!
I just read your story.
i just would like to say, you can be anyone you want to be on line, behind a screen
i say take yourself off the discount shelf and place yourself among the valuables.
Your worth more than that.

You do realize, don't you, that "he" could be a woman.

Thank you for your input. I'm just confused about why I seem like I'm on the discount shelf. lol.

I don't ask this guy to PayPal me $2 in order to chat with me like I'm some discount cam girl, or something.

Maybe that's how he sees me? I don't know. That's not how I see myself, though.

He is actually the one doing more people pleasing and jumping through hoops in order to get my attention. I push him away time and again just to have him forgive me and jump through more hoops to get more of my attention.

I'm avoiding real life relationships because of the complication. I just want to stay home. Its safer. Fantasy relationship? Less complicated.

If I can guarantee this man won't show up at my door and act dangerous and creepy, then, its fine. I highly doubt he will.

@ TishaBuv I'm very sorry you went through what you went through.

As for him being a woman. Well, he has sent me some voice recordings, including my name. That satisfied me enough that the voice was really behind the text. Unless "she" had a man over at the time that did it for "her"...

But why would a woman do that? A lesbian?

I think "discount shelf" comment was in regards to you not valuing yourself high enough. Yes he goes to great length to be able to continue stalking you, but it's not like he is nice kindhearted high class gentleman. He is kind of opposite of that. I think people are trying to tell you that you deserve better. Even if just online, it could be with someone less scary and more pleasant.

Have you ever skyped or face time? After a year in a relationship do you know how each other looks?

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That is fair enough. I agree, he doesn't present as a high class gentleman.

His attention is flattering, though, in a way. Its not like I never get attention from anyone and this is the only guy that does. That isn't the case. But he has a charming appeal about him.

I have seen pictures and he is very above average in looks. He is a very attractive, appealing, charming person. And not just my opinion, I have seen others respond to him that way, too.

Which makes it confusing, because why would a handsome charming man need to pay for prostitutes instead of just picking up girls and dating like normal guys do?

He's crazy...I guess that's why. He's not interested in a normal pursuit and relationship. He prefers things weird and off and creepy....

And I suppose I must also. I have found his attention flattering. But at the same time, creepy and weird and he seems to want to scare me. And when he wants to, he starts giving me nightmares. Other times when he wants to he is a very sweet and charming guy.

Its a very, very strange dynamic.

Not sure what I can do. Go along with it for now, I guess, since I doubt it will ever go past the fantasy stage. We are a 12 hour plane flight apart. I'm not making that trip and I highly doubt he is either.

Have you ever watched the TV show Catfish? There are people who pretend to be the other sex because they want to be thought of as what they want to be.

You may have really heard his voice. He may really live 12 hours away. But, you really don't know for sure.

If you are both into the safe fantasy relationship, I think it's fine. But, I just suggest you should make sure you both understand that's what it is. Just in case he, she, whatever is really crazy and dangerous.

With what happened with me, I didn't use such good judgment. I try not to judge people and get along and click with some really strange personalities. I shouldn't gotten involved with this guy in the first place, then I didn't want to see the red flags, I led him on and encouraged a commitment, then I woke up and pulled away. When that happened, he lost it. So, on some level I really did love him. But I then realized I didn't and ran. I know this is my own mental flaw and issue. I wish I had listened to the red flags from the beginning.

I've done it several times-- encouraging the wrong guy, feeling love then running.

I don't know why.

Do you relate? Do you have intimacy issues with men in real relationships?

I can relate.

I don't usually lead people on just for fun. But there were times I thought I felt closer to someone than I actually did. But the reality of a commitment and everything that went with it wasn't something I was ready for. And I had to pull back.

Things ended graciously, but if the people involved had been less stable it could have been more dangerous.

I get the impression that is what happened with you.

The fantasy of talking about these things with him is kind of fun....but I guess if he told me he bought a ticket and was on his way out here to make it happen. To be honest, I probably wouldn't really want that.

Maybe I need to make that clear. To me I like the idea as fantasy fodder....but I have no idea if he thinks I'm serious. I don't think so, but I don't know for sure.

I guess I need to think about this. I never considered that he could be taking it seriously. Interesting.... I sort of took for granted we were on the same page.

I never watched Catfish. I don't know if that's happening here. I haven't seen evidence of that yet, then again, who knows?

I think this foolish. IMHO.

Those are most likely not his pictures. The tragedies that he says keep happening to him are probably not real. He sounds like a pretty standard catfish. I would bet money that he is lying to you about himself and his life.

If you want to know, ask him to facetime or skype. If he won't do it, it's because he is not the guy in the pictures.

Yeah. That's possible. I got the pictures from his facebook. It wasn't a very used account though. Could be fake.

Could be a catfish. Just wish I knew for sure. I asked him for other pictures and he won't send me more. I guess that is pretty good evidence right there.

Guess I don't really like the idea.

Yup. You already have the evidence. He is fake. Those are not his pictures. He is manipulating and lying to you. Is that really someone you want to waste your time on?

Such a Simple solution to this....

Ask him to take a selfie holding some random object like a toothbrush or a roll of toilet paper whatever ...but something YOU request.... If he does then at least you will know for sure what he looks like... If he doesnt or gives you a run around ,,well then DUH it's going to be obvious... I personally think this is a very unhealthy mess.

Furthermore.. Im sorry that whole going to prostitutes and his reasons for it would have had me blocking him on all possible sources long long ago.

I think hes probably some 50 year old man or woman living in moms basement.. I can lower my voice enough to sound like a man, so who knows who left you a message.

Just your post about him stalking you and now this one? your basically defending and justifying his actions

Stay safe is I guess the only possibly useful advice I can offer.

Sociopaths are very good at turning on and off the charm as it benefits them. Be wary of this behavior and please realize how very serious this could be. I hope to God that you haven't given this man your personal information. I suggest you watch a show on Investigation Discovery Channel called "Web of Lies", you will see just how DEADLY it can be to engage with strange people via the Internet. Good luck to you. Please seek help for the attraction to potentially deadly men.

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You saw pictures of good looking man. You don't know if it's him though. If in a year he expressed no interest in skyping it otherwise seeing each face for real it's very likely not his picture

It's very likely that you are infatuated and discussing marriage with someone who can be anybody. A teenager or a much older person of any gender or very likely group of guys trolling online forums etc there is nothing charming it flattering about it

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You met 'him' by him randomly messaging you online. He started out aggressive and threatening by telling you he is stalking you. He won you over by wearing you down and giving you the romance, sweet talk that you wanted. He has no intention of ever seeing you in person, this is just a typing romance. He makes every typical excuse that a catfish makes for not being who they say.

All of this is proof that this is the very definition of a catfish.

This person is getting off on the fantasy relationship with you. He/she's a very lonely, desperate person.

My guess is if you got real with them, demanding that they Skype with you, they will just disappear.

Seriously, you should write into the TV show Catfish. They choose real people and expose their cases and confront the catfish. They might choose you.

Now, knowing that this person might really be a 60 year-old woman, prison inmate, Godzilla look-alike, will you still find them dreamy? Lol

People become victims of sex trafficking this way, too. When they finally meet up in real life...they are kidnapped and taken as slaves in the sex trade and they thought they were meeting the love of their life. This happens regularly on Facebook.

Please be careful. I like Christina's idea of having him doing a selfie holding up a toothbrush or other item you designate.

Keep us posted. I'm concerned for you. xo

I am a victim of romance scam. Posted about it about a year and a half ago. It wasn't a year long but swift and rapid. If you met me you'd never think that I might possibly be scammed like that. I have two graduate degrees professional job and am very well adjusted and don't make bad decisions am very social and am a parent of successful adult and am rather conservative in my life style yet that happened to me. When I was going through investigation with police and FBA they told me that people of all walks of life fall victims when they are in a vulnerable state all the time (recently divorced etc).

I wished I told someone when that was happening and they would stop me. But I didn't tell no one. And I was not on this forum

You are lucky that you posted on here. Please get off the internet and stop talking to this person immediately. They might not be after your money but they are after something. There is nothing romantic about it. Please stop right away

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I know there is nothing funny about it. But I can't stop laughing about Godzilla look alike

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After reading more of the thread (yes I skimmed at first and feel badly for it) in response to your "what is the problem?" EVERYTHIGN that everyone has said about all of the red flags being raised right in yoru face, that's what. My original statement remains that online love can happen (with the limitations I also stated) but you have to be looking for the right type of person and seek out signs and evidence of the person being who they say they are.

I won't judge, I've been guilty of overlooking these things online too and I know it's easy to be tempted into the fantasy portion of things and deny that we need the real evidence because frankly the fantasy can be alluring and fun. It is addicting even but without truly nailing down who you are really talking to, you're venturing into dangerous waters, the more you carry on the fantasy without getting real, the harder it will be to let go and danger rises.

In conclusion though, related to this guy, I agree with everyone here. stop responding, block him and move on.

Is there any GOOD reason you have not already purged this person from your life?


IME and just from reading a gazillion threads here, most of us attempt to change behaviors we find damaging to us or others.


You've mentioned being attracted to weirdos or wrong types of men (sorry can't remember your wording verbatim) knowing that to be fact, why exactly do you not try and change it?


I'm sorry, I'm just trying to understand your logic in all of this, I don't see how or where it is being applied, and would like to understand you better.

Thank you for the replies.

I am getting nervous now. People are saying he wants something from me but I don't know what. So far all he seems to want is my attention. Sometimes we email back and forth up to 6 hours a day.

Could that be all he wants? Just someone to chat with? Maybe I'm the only person who gives him the kind of attention he likes. He has no other relationships or friends, from what he says.

He sends me songs with very intense obsessive lyrics. Could be he just likes the music? Or do you think he is trying to send me a message? Does he send me the songs because they make him think of me? Nearly every song he sends me is about some intense obsessive love.

The catfish thing is possible. At first it seemed like sort of a game, but now its been going on for over a year. If he was just a catfish trolling me, wouldn't they have gotten tired and moved on now?

I did watch a few episodes of Catfish last night and some of those can go on for years and years though. What do people get out of that? I couldn't imagine creating a false identity just to talk to someone for years. That is really crazy. The identity he has created isn't even a glamourous one, that is why I'm not sure its a catfish. Its not like he claims to be a rich prince or movie director. He's just a regular blue collar guy. And his photos were not model quality or anything. Just a regular guy, although with pleasant, attractive features.

I guess, call it morbid curiosity. I know intellectually that its an unhealthy relationship and that's why I'm coming on here seeking advice about it.

I am trying to change but for me it comes slowly. I'm doing a lot better now than I used to be. Believe it or not making progress, if you compare me now to how I was a few years ago. Change doesn't happen overnight though.

Umm who cares what he wants? I'm not sure how you're still going against conventional wisdom here but you need to move on, there really are no two ways about it, I'm not sure what more you expect from the community to give you now. I don't think a single person here sees any potential good for you in this.

You have choices--

You can keep up the fantasy relationship with whomever is at the other end of the keyboard because you are getting your needs met from it. Are you so scared of living an authentic life that you would rather live a fantasy one? Still, if you choose to continue, I'd have the real discussion with him about how you both agree this is just a fantasy and you are never really going to be together.

Or you can be honest with him about your need to really know who he is. Tell him that you will not judge him for sending you a photo of someone else. You want to Skype with this real person and if he will not, then you will block him and never speak to him again. If he continues to harass you in any way, you will go to the police.

Or you can just skip to the blocking and end this charade.

If it were me, I would do option B. I think giving someone the opportunity to come clean and be real is best before just blowing them off and blocking them. I find with unstable people, this helps diffuse the blow up a lot. It will most likely still blow up in your face. He might get really nasty and try to shame you into backing down.

You need to get strong. You have every right to know who you are talking to. Don't let this person bully you.