My husband and I just went on a trip to Asia. Since he is cheap with money, and controlling with it, I needed to take a few hundred dollars from him then as he hides his money well and even threatened to take my name off our joint account if I took any money out before the trip. He did this before a few times in the past too. I know this sound bad, but it's not OK that he had all that money and gave me nothing at all as to control what I spend, ugh. I hate that.

I was able to take a few hundred from the bank here and there once in awhile in the past, but only when he wasn't super stressed about money, and not more often than a couple times a month.

Anyways, I was able to take $750 from him as I had NOTHING on me before we left. My cards were maxed out too. I needed it for security. To my horror, I just found out that it's ALL gone aside from $4.00! WTH? I had my purse on me almost all the time. He did count his money most of the time, and he never complained about any missing money.

Only HE had access to my purse at all times. BUT I DID leave it in the hotel room when it was locked of course when we went to swim and eat breakfast at the buffet in the hotel. I normally took it with me as I don't trust the maids to not look through my purse when they can see that we're gone. Also, it's a messenger bag, so I had it slung across me at all times.

I never left it unattended except for the times when I had to store it in the overhead compartment during the flight. That was a big mistake. I slept some of the time on the long flights, and so did he. Could a passenger could've stolen it then? It was in a small wallet, and I didn't flash it, so that's weird. I only spent a small amount of money in U.S dollars there. I find it hard to believe that it all fell out at one point.

Maybe he knew that I took his money and stole it back? I don't know what to think. He asked me how much I had, so I lied and said it was for $200. He thinks that it's my fault and that I misplaced it. He didn't seem to upset about things.

Is it possible that a maid or a sneaky passenger stole it when we were asleep? Has this ever happened to anyone before on a trip? This is why I'll NEVER EVER leave my purse in a hotel room or in an overhead airplane bin ever again! It'll always be on me from now on! AND I'll hide it in a different place than my wallet! I should stash it in a tin of mints instead. Not to many people would think to look there, lol! ****!!!! This sucks! That's a lot of money to me!

IF someone did steal it, how were they able to steal it, especially if it was a passenger on a plane with other people around, and most of all, with us right there?

[eskielover]

Just ask your husband if he took back the money you had put in your purse to help you feel more safe when you were out & away on the trip in case something serious happened.

I wouldn't stew about it I would ask. No point in making yourself miserable when finding an appropriate way to ask would solve your dilemma.

Communications problems in a marriage always make difficult situations that much more difficult.

[~Christina]

Just ask him.

[PlannedObsolescence]

Sounds like the financial situation in your marriage needs some work. First, why are all your credit cards maxed and he has control of all the cash? If he was so stingy with $$ he wouldn't want pay all that interest. I would communicate with him about the trip money but I would also open up a dialogue about the overall finances in the marriage. Doesn't not sound normal at all.

I did ask him about the money. He told me that I probably misplaced it. I looked everywhere, and I didn't take the money out of the small wallet ever. I only used a small amount for water and stuff like that in the airports mostly.

Even IF he DID take it, he would never tell me about it. I forgot to mention that we did hire a driver and a tour guide in one country, and it is possible that I might have briefly left my purse in the car. Not likely, but it's possible. I'm normally cautious and careful.

I just did some research on common ways that money gets stolen on trips, and to my surprise, some thieves, especially in the poorer countries are desperate and very bold. Some hotel maids can steal stuff from the safe or room. So I learned of a few good ways to keep that from happening. Always leave the t.v on, the curtains closed, the do not disturb sign on, and bury stuff in a locked luggage. Same with the plane.

The funny thing is that I still have 4 U.S dollars left in my wallet along with 4 Singapore dollars. We went to Vietnam, Thailand, and Singapore, so I'm sure that the money was stolen in either Vietnam or Thailand. That's why the Singapore dollars were left behind probably.

Weird! How the hell was someone able to steal money in a zipped wallet inside a zipped bag that was near me or on me most of the time? I think that a very bold and desperate thief on one of the long flights did it. I stupidly stored my purse in the overhead bin after my husband told me to store it there against my wishes, ugh! Stupid me! Stuff like this is actually common on long flights. Thieves have been caught acting like they're going through "their" luggage or "bags" when most people are sleeping. They look for targets from the back of the plane then wait for the right moment to steal their stuff. Also, it's not safe to leave stuff under the seat to where the passenger in back of you can access it easily. This might sound a bit paranoid, but this stuff does happen on trips. Now I know what secure luggage is, and I'll use it next time.

Never leave a purse or laptop bag unattended at any point, especially on a long flight. Never again! And I'll be sure to split money up and hide it in different places like in a tin of mints next time and only carry a small amount of cash in my real wallet for small purchases. I'm really upset about this.

I doubt that it was my husband after all now. And as for our financial situation, my credit cards are maxed out because I have only three very low limit credit cards. He has other bills to pay, and mine aren't his first priority. He has even made late payments to the insurance company before a few times. He never ever goes to the Drs., so that's not important to him. We did fight about that a few times. He would normally blame the insurance company and claim that he paid them, but the fact was that he only made up for the late payments most of the time. Thankfully I'm covered for now. We are not in the best financial situation now. I know that sounds weird to how we went on a trip considering, but the places we went to were mostly inexpensive ones, and he's great at finding deals on hotels and stuff like that.

He is controlling with money usually, and there isn't much that I can do about that. He's at his worst when we have a lot of bills to pay. I get that, but he can be to extreme at times. He always paid for what I needed, so I didn't need to bug him for money. Still, over here, it's not fair that he puts me on a budget and threatens to take me off our joint account if I go over a certain amount, ugh!

I'm sick now, but I'm going to this free therapy place that's half an hour away from me when I get better and hopefully they can help me with that and a few other issues. I hope that the they're good for a free place.

He doesn't trust me with money. I'm not that irresponsible. He's just controlling and stingy at times, ugh.

[divine1966]

So sorry.

I am the very last person to advice in regards to money. Handling money ( or rather not handling) is one of my issues, something i try to improve on. So there is no judgement on your maxing up credit cards or stolen money etc been there done that.

You do need to keep your purse on you at all times when on the flights. Yes thieves are bold. I once had a thieve sticking his arm all the way up to his elbow into my purse in the restaurant. My purse was on the window seal by my table.

I am more concerned with you not having your own money and him controlling it like this. Many or in fact most spouses have combined finances but both have access to accounts. It seems too stressful to live this way. Why aren't you both equally have access to join accounts? He does sound controlling

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Oh, and it's not like I can tell him, hey, I took $750 from you over a course of a few days when you were in the shower, so did you take it back from me? lol.

He'd never ever admit to taking it back from me IF he did it. It's hard to say if he took it back or if someone stole it from me. I think that it's more likely that someone on the plane stole it from my bag when we were both sleeping, ugh!

I'll NEVER EVER leave my purse in an overhead bin again no matter what! I'll always leave cash and other valuables on me in a money bag from now on like I should've in the first place! Same goes for phones and tablets, I'll always have those things right on my lap next time, or in a locked carry on bag for sure!

Originally Posted by divine1966

So sorry.

I am the very last person to advice in regards to money. Handling money ( or rather not handling) is one of my issues, something i try to improve on. So there is no judgement on your maxing up credit cards or stolen money etc been there done that.

You do need to keep your purse on you at all times when on the flights. Yes thieves are bold. I once had a thieve sticking his arm all the way up to his elbow into my purse in the restaurant. My purse was on the window seal by my table.

I am more concerned with you not having your own money and him controlling it like this. Many or in fact most spouses have combined finances but both have access to accounts. It seems too stressful to live this way. Why aren't you both equally have access to join accounts? He does sound controlling

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Sorry to hear about that thief. I hope that he didn't get away with stealing anything! Did he? It doesn't sound like it as you saw what he did. Thanks for not judging me. Thankfully my name IS STILL on the joint account. IF he ever did that to me, I would raise hell and I wouldn't let him lock me out of it for good! You can trust me on that! There is no way in hell that I'd ever let him go that far for long!

There isn't much that I can do since he is controlling with money. He doesn't trust me with money as he knows that I have taken money from his wallet before out of need and desperation. I've always denied it. Now he hides his money in his car! He has even bragged about it, and when I need it, he says he'll get it from the car. Asshole!

He's good with other things, but he's a tightwad with money usually. He's afraid that I'll spend every penny that we have if he doesn't control the finances. I have to resort to making up lies about the cats needing visits to the vets, or that I have to go to the Drs. to get money at times. I have to be more careful now as he's keeping track of things. I need to get creative at times, ugh!

This sucks! He even pays my credit card bills late at times claiming that I didn't give him the statement. What B.S! I do get that we have bills to pay, but to make mine low on the list of his priorities is infuriating, and it's ruining my credit and causing us to pay late fees every now and then. He's very secretive with money too, and there is nothing that I can do to get him to change, ugh!

Hopefully this free therapy place can help me figure out if it's possible to convince him that what he's doing is wrong and not normal. I hope that whoever stole my money will get bad karma in return for doing so. I hope that they'll get money or something of value stolen from them too sooner or later. Either a sneaky maid stole it while we were in the pool, or someone on the plane stole it when we were sleeping. I'll always put my purse in a locked bag from now on.

Also, I need to look for a job when I get better as I hate having to be put on a budget. He rarely gives me enough for stuff that I need, ugh!

[Trippin2.0]

Your husband took back "his" money, that's why he's so uncharacteristically chilled about it being "misplaced"...


He needs to read up on financial abuse, its an actual thing.

[divine1966]

Do look for a job. I strongly believe that relying on someone for finances for more than short period of time ( for example caring for a baby or being laid off job) is the wrong way to go about life. I am not judging you, I am just saying if you can get your power back the only way is to have a job. Even part time minimum wages is ok. Anything. And have your own bank account for that extra money

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[cakeladie]

I agree with everyone. If you two are a couple then it's both of your money.

My first husband took everything when he left. He drained out our accounts and maxed out our cards. I was left with our autism son and no money.

He was always one to spend spend spend and I thought if we worked over time and did not need it for bills it should be saved when that got to a certain amount I made an account in my sons name so when I ex left and he thought he left me with nothing I had that money. Then I closed our joint accounts and opened up accounts in my own name.

My second husband likes to spend but over the years and now he does save and asks me if I need money for anything since I can no longer work but I also have my own account and my name is on our joint account

It's a controlling mechanism. If you are to sick to work can u get SSDI ? Or look for a part time job? Maybe pet sitting?

But please never leave your purse alone and you might not want to leave it alone with him either.

Good luck

[cakeladie]

Your situation has really hit a nerve with me. It's something that my grandfather did with my grandfather. My great aunt and uncle where married 73 years each week he gave her money for groceries to get her hair done and to go to coffee with her friends. But when he got us pick her kids had to step in. Why because she had never written a check and did not know how to pay any bills. It's was sad

In high school when me and my BFF went out on dates we usually double dated before we left her mom would safty pin a $20 bill in our bras just in case.

Just a thought

[Talthybius]

I don't agree. If it is his money, it is his money. If it is her's, it is her's.

Can't tell what is truly happening here.

I find it strange to say that the partner who has the money is abusing the financially dependent partner by giving or withholding money.

So what he did was take back the money that was stolen from him and lie about it? So should he have admitted it and told his wife he thinks she is a thief.

I also find it hard to believe you don't know if he took it back or not. If $750 euro was taken from your hotel room and he is cheap, he would react completely different than if he had taken it back himself.

Stealing money again and hiding it somewhere else, now that's not going to help either.

[eskielover]

The maxed out credit cards to me is a red flag of financial irresponsibility. Maybe it's time you start to become financially responsible so that your husband will respect your ability to handle money in the first place.

I'm sorry but I believe that marriage finances should be handled together monthly so everyone knows just how much money is going out & how much is left to spend & not one cent more is spent than what there is available...do without until the cash is available or budget set up to pay for it.

I lived with the most financials irresponsible husband & grew to hate him over the years because of it (& other irresponsible actions). Sounds like your marriage is headed in a similar direction.

[divine1966]

We intend to keep our money separate and so far we go over expenses every month and see what was spent on household. We don't want to combine accounts. We both make the same amount so we spend equally on household stuff. But we both work. Situation when he has his money and she has hers only work if both have a job. She doesn't have her money as she doesn't work

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[eskielover]

We intend to keep our money separate and so far we go over expenses every month and see what was spent on household.

It doesn't matter how you handle it as long as you go over the monthly budget & if you have common goals, to pool the money together for it.....but it's important for BOTH to be involved unless there happens some problem & then it's important for the other one to be responsible enough to handle it on their own in a responsible way.

She doesn't have her money as she doesn't work

Doesn't matter, she should STILL be 50/50 involved with the monthly budget & expenses & not be maxing out credit cards.....if the money really isn't there to be spent.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Your husband took back "his" money, that's why he's so uncharacteristically chilled about it being "misplaced"...


He needs to read up on financial abuse, its an actual thing.

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You're probably right about that, ugh! I told him that it was only $200 instead of the full amount. Sneaky bastard! I should've hid it from him! It's very possible that a maid or someone on the plane could've stolen it, but this is the more likely scenario like I suspected.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Your husband took back "his" money, that's why he's so uncharacteristically chilled about it being "misplaced"...


He needs to read up on financial abuse, its an actual thing.

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Oh, and I know about financial abuse! There isn't much that I can do about it for now, ugh! He is in complete control, and he knows that! I'm still sick, but almost better now. When I get better, I'm going to this free counseling place not to far from me.

Hopefully they'll be open to accepting new patients. Then I'll apply to a few places for work. Hopefully someone will hire me despite my less than perfect record. This is ridiculous how controlling he is! He won't even give me his credit card to go to the vets! It has to be done over the phone, the payment, ugh!

Originally Posted by divine1966

Do look for a job. I strongly believe that relying on someone for finances for more than short period of time ( for example caring for a baby or being laid off job) is the wrong way to go about life. I am not judging you, I am just saying if you can get your power back the only way is to have a job. Even part time minimum wages is ok. Anything. And have your own bank account for that extra money

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Thanks. You're right about what you said. I was really naive for so long. Also, I was afraid that no one would hire me, or that I'd get fired after awhile as I have in the past for not being that social mostly, ugh!

That will have to change, ugh! I wish that I could find work to where I could work at home! That's not easy though for an unskilled worker! I'm still sick, so that's why I haven't been on here for a long time. I'm almost better now. I'll go to that free counseling place and hope that they're still accepting new patients and hopefully they can help me get through to him

Also, a few places around me are hiring. Hopefully one of them will overlook my less than perfect record of shop lifting and one DUI. If they won't, or can't, then I'm stuck! Ugh!

Originally Posted by cakeladie

I agree with everyone. If you two are a couple then it's both of your money.

My first husband took everything when he left. He drained out our accounts and maxed out our cards. I was left with our autism son and no money.

He was always one to spend spend spend and I thought if we worked over time and did not need it for bills it should be saved when that got to a certain amount I made an account in my sons name so when I ex left and he thought he left me with nothing I had that money. Then I closed our joint accounts and opened up accounts in my own name.

My second husband likes to spend but over the years and now he does save and asks me if I need money for anything since I can no longer work but I also have my own account and my name is on our joint account

It's a controlling mechanism. If you are to sick to work can u get SSDI ? Or look for a part time job? Maybe pet sitting?

But please never leave your purse alone and you might not want to leave it alone with him either.

Good luck

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I'm sorry to hear about your first husband. What a monster! I'm so glad that you were able to take control of your finances again! It sounds like you're doing better now- It is a controlling mechanism! I'm not to sick to work, but I do have mental problems that get in the way of being able to keep a job for long. I suspect that most of the places have fired me for not being social.

Of course, I was forced to quit a few jobs to since the work environment became to hostile for me to bear. Most back then even involved sexual harassment by one or more men. I even went to H.R to complain about them, but nothing was done except for the fact that they were given a talk to. I was younger and thinner then, but I never dressed provocatively or flirted, so that made no sense to me. That made me so angry! I was married at the time too! WTH?

A lot of the women seem to not like me much, or at the very least, ignore me for whatever reason. I was only able to make friends with a few women around my age who weren't superiors at work in the past. I hate that pecking order at work and having to be social when you're not that way.

I'll look for work soon. I'll go to that free counseling place and hopefully they can take me in. And hopefully they can help me out too. I'll be different this time. Now that I'm older and fat, I doubt that any man will even glance twice at me. Not that I want them to of course! This time I'll try to make more of an effort to be friendly, but I'll keep my distance professionally of course. And of course I'll have to be nice to the boss no matter what, at least on the surface. As long as they don't get out of line with me, I'll have to be fake nice, ugh!

Oh, and I can't qualify for any kind of aid as I haven't worked in 16 years! You need current work credit or something like that, or a severe disability to get assistance.

For everyone else that replied, I'll get back to you soon. I'm still sick. I need to go now. Thanks for your replies. Although I don't agree with what some people said, I do respect your opinions.

Originally Posted by cakeladie

Your situation has really hit a nerve with me. It's something that my grandfather did with my grandfather. My great aunt and uncle where married 73 years each week he gave her money for groceries to get her hair done and to go to coffee with her friends. But when he got us pick her kids had to step in. Why because she had never written a check and did not know how to pay any bills. It's was sad

In high school when me and my BFF went out on dates we usually double dated before we left her mom would safty pin a $20 bill in our bras just in case.

Just a thought

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Sorry to hear that! That's nice that your uncle was able to take care of your aunt for that long. What happened to make him stop? Wow, she was even more dependent on him that I ever was on my husband! Even I had a checkbook at one point, and I know how to pay bills too at least!

[divine1966]

You had a check book at some point? Why don't you have it now? You never use it? I know people pay bills online. But still...

I assume that uncle in a story eventually passed after 73 years of marriage. He probably stopped due to age or passed. My sister in law is fully dependent on my brother. She will depend on my niece and nephews and us if something ever happens to my brother.

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Originally Posted by Talthybius

I don't agree. If it is his money, it is his money. If it is her's, it is her's.

Can't tell what is truly happening here.

I find it strange to say that the partner who has the money is abusing the financially dependent partner by giving or withholding money.

So what he did was take back the money that was stolen from him and lie about it? So should he have admitted it and told his wife he thinks she is a thief.

I also find it hard to believe you don't know if he took it back or not. If $750 euro was taken from your hotel room and he is cheap, he would react completely different than if he had taken it back himself.

Stealing money again and hiding it somewhere else, now that's not going to help either.

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I respect your opinion, but I don't agree with it. He is financially abusive. He even threatened to take me off the joint account if I withdrew money w/o telling him, no matter how little it is. That is NOT normal! If he had such issues with sharing, then him and people like him should never get married. BTW, not that it matters, but the money was in U.S dollars, not Euro.

Also, it he rarely tells me a thing about our finances until it gets to be to big to not do so. For example, I had no idea that he decided to declare bankruptcy back in 2004 until a few DAYS before it happened! It almost seemed like he thought I'd rack up more debt which I would not have done as I was never that irresponsible.

I don't spend that much. I just go out to eat or to the movies once in awhile. I'm lucky if I even get to go out more than once a month. I barely have enough money for groceries, gas, Drs. copayment, and medicine. It's not like I go shopping all the time. I'm fairly responsible.

A spouse shouldn't be left in the dark about what is owed. I had no idea that he owed the IRS as much as he did until he HAD to tell me as I saw the foreclosure notice, so there was NO hiding that from me!

What happened is that I have NO idea if he took it or not as I assumed that it was safe, and he never took money from me before, not even when I took it in the past. So of course it was natural for me to question what happened. It's possible that a maid or a very bold passenger on the plane took my money.

Although what I did was wrong, I didn't have much of a choice. He would've never given me much even if I asked for some cash. We were in a foreign country to where I knew no one that was close by. I needed cash in case he ever decided to leave me stranded there. He came close to it once years ago. He had my passport and plane tickets on him too, so I refuse to take risks now.

It sounds like you've never been in this situation before. Maybe you'd understand why I had to do what I did if you were left in the same situation. It's NOT easy for me to get work. No one is willing to hire me, at least so far because of my past work history, or lack of it. I'll try again, but I'll have a hell of a time getting a job even though I only have two non violent misdemeanors on my record.

That was years ago too. I have everything going against me, my mental health issues, my age, my lack of education and experience, my history, so this won't be easy, but I'll look for a job soon. I'm going back to counseling to to this free place. I hope that I can get into the program. It might be full right now. Hopefully it's not.

What he is doing is called financial abuse. He is TO controlling! How would YOU feel if you were married to someone like this? Do you think that I'm being treated fairly? I'm not FYI. Just saying.

He even goes so far as to NOT pay our insurance bill sometimes as he NEVER goes to the Drs. When this happens, we fight. I make him pay it as we'd have to pay a hefty bill w/o it. Also, he sometimes makes late payments on MY credit cards which in turn not only makes my bad credit worse, but it makes interest accumulate on the cards.

So I'm not completely to blame for things. It's hard to not max out cards when it's already at a low limit. It's not as if I started out with a credit of let's say $10,000 and racked up half that amount in a month.

I barely have enough given to me for basic necessities, so I think that you're being a little to judgemental in your response. Maybe you'd think differently if you were ever to experience what I have.